"Kodi Ndine Wosakondedwa" - Zifukwa 9 Zomwe Mumamverera Motere

M’chipwirikiti chocholoŵana cha malingaliro aumunthu, funso lofala la kukondeka kwa munthu lingapangitse chithunzithunzi chachikulu cha ubwino waumwini. Lingaliro lakuti "Kodi ndine wosakondedwa?" zimamveka m'mitima ya anthu ambiri, kusonyeza kugwirizana kovuta kwa mikangano yamkati ndi zisonkhezero zakunja.

Nkhaniyi ikufotokoza mozama za mmene munthu amamvera mumtima mwawo, ikufufuza zifukwa zisanu ndi zinayi zomwe zimachititsa kuti munthu asakonde. Kuchokera pazovuta za kudzidalira ndi zowawa zakale mpaka momwe anthu amayembekezera komanso thanzi labwino lamalingaliro, mbali iliyonse imathandizira kudabwitsa kwa momwe timadzionera tokha. Povundukula ulusi umenewu, timafuna kuunikira njira zodzipezera tokha ndi machiritso, kulimbikitsa kumvetsetsa kwachifundo kwa zinthu zomwe zingasokoneze malingaliro athu kuti ndife oyenera mu gawo la chikondi ndi mgwirizano.

Malinga ndi Harley Therapy , kumva ngati munthu wosakondedwa kungamveke ngati si nkhani yaikulu. Koma ndi nkhani yaikulu kwambiri. Ikhoza kukhala chifukwa cha matenda ena ambiri amisala ndipo mwatsoka ndi chifukwa chachikulu chodzipha.

Tinapempha katswiri wathu Nandita Rambhia (M.Sc. mu Psychology) kuti atithandize kumvetsetsa chifukwa chake anthu ena amaopa kusakondedwa komanso momwe angathanirane ndi kusakondedwa. Pitirizani kuwerenga kuti mudziwe zomwe akunena pankhaniyi ndipo tigwirizane nafe paulendo wodzifufuza, pamene tikuyenda m'malingaliro a anthu ndikuvumbula chinsinsi cha funso lakuti, "N'chifukwa chiyani sindikondedwa?"

N'chifukwa Chiyani Mumaona Kuti Simukukondedwa? 9 Zifukwa

Mungadzifunse kuti, “N’chiyani chimapangitsa munthu kukhala wosakondedwa?” Chabwino, palibe chilichonse. Aliyense ndi wokondedwa, ndipo kumva ngati simukondedwa kungakhale chifukwa cha vuto lalikulu. Kodi n’zotheka kukhala wosakondedwa? Nandita akuti, “Sindikuganiza kuti n’zotheka kuti munthu aliyense akhale wosakondedwa. Ndi za momwe mumaonera zinthu.” Komabe, simungathe kuchotsa lingaliro lakuti, “Ndimamva kuti sindikukondedwa komanso sindikufunidwa ndi aliyense.” Yakwana nthawi yoti mufufuze mozama ndi kufufuza komwe kumverera kwakuti “Ndikumva kuti sindikukondedwa” kumachokera.

Kumva ngati wosakondedwa kungachokere pazifukwa zosiyanasiyana, ndipo ndikofunikira kuzindikira kuti malingaliro amenewa ndi ovuta komanso odziyimira pawokha. Koma n’chifukwa chiyani kumva ngati wokondedwa n’kofunika kwambiri? Kumva ngati wokondedwa ndi chinthu chofunikira kwambiri pa moyo wa munthu, chomwe chimakhudza thanzi lathu la maganizo, lamaganizo, komanso la thupi. Kulandira chikondi kumapereka chitetezo champhamvu chamaganizo ndi chithandizo, chomwe chimagwira ntchito ngati mankhwala amphamvu ku zovuta ndi zovuta za moyo.

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Kafukufuku wina anasonyeza kuti chikondi ndi chitetezo “zimatonthoza mitsempha ya m’mitsempha.” Mu kafukufukuyu, akazi omwe anayesedwa pogwiritsa ntchito MRI scanner pamene ankapatsidwa kugwedezeka pang’ono m’mapazi awo. Akazi omwe anatsala okha mu scanner anamva kugwedezeka ndi ululu. Kumbali ina, akazi omwe anali kugwira dzanja la katswiri wa labu anamva kugwedezeka koma ululu wochepa kwambiri. Mofananamo, akazi omwe anali kugwira manja a amuna awo okondedwa anamva kugwedezeka koma ululu sunathe.

Pazifukwa zingapo, anthu ena amatha kupanga malingaliro ena (mipangidwe yamalingaliro) omwe amawapangitsa kukhulupirira kuti sakondedwa komanso kuti palibe amene angawafune, kapena kuti sali okwanira, zomwe zimadzetsa kumverera kwakuti "Ndimamva kuti sindikukondedwa komanso wosafunidwa ndi aliyense". Tili pano kuti tikuuzeni chifukwa chake izi zimachitika komanso momwe mungapirire kumverera kumeneku. M'munsimu muli zifukwa zina zomwe munthu angamve kuti sakondedwa muubwenzi kapena m'moyo wawo watsiku ndi tsiku.

1. Kudzikayikira

Nandita anati: “Kudziona ngati wosafunika kungachititse munthu kudziona ngati wosakondedwa, ndipo chimodzi mwa zinthu zimene zimachititsa munthu kudziona kuti ndi wosakondedwa, n’kuyambitsa zikhulupiriro zoti munthu safunika kukondedwa. Anthu akakhala ndi maganizo olakwika pa iwo eni, amasokoneza maganizo awo pa mmene ena amawaonera ndipo amayamba kuona zizindikiro zosonyeza kuti sakufuna chibwenzi.

Morris Rosenberg ndi Timothy Owens, m'buku lawo lakuti Low Self-Esteem People: A Collective Portrait , amanena kuti anthu omwe ali ndi kudziona ngati ofooka nthawi zambiri amakhala okwiya kwambiri. Ali ndi kudziona ngati ofooka komwe kungavulazidwe mosavuta ndi ena. Kuphatikiza apo, anthu omwe ali ndi kudziona ngati ofooka amakhala "osamala kwambiri komanso osamala kwambiri zizindikiro za kukanidwa , kusakwanira, ndi kukana." Umu ndi momwe anthu omwe ali ndi kudziona ngati ofooka nthawi zambiri amamva ngati osakondedwa:

• Iwo angavutike kuvomereza chikondi kapena kudzitsimikizira kuti sakuyenera kukondedwa
• Kudzikayikira kwawo kungawatsogolere ku chizolowezi chodziwononga okha m'maubwenzi, chifukwa zingawavute kukhulupirira kuti iwowo ndi oyenera kukondedwa ndi kulandiridwa.
• Amavutika kudzikonda okha ndipo amakonda kuchotsera zabwino. Izi zikutanthauza kuti amangoyang'ana zoipa zomwe zili m'miyoyo yawo ndikunyalanyaza zochitika zabwino
• Kuthetsa izi nthawi zambiri kumaphatikizapo kuthana ndi kukonzanso kudzidalira mwa kudziganizira nokha, kutsimikizira zabwino, ndi kulumikizana kothandizira.

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2. Zoyembekeza zosayembekezereka

Ziyembekezo zosatheka zimapangitsa kuti munthu payekha komanso ena azitha kuchita zinthu zosatheka. Anthu akamaika ziyembekezo zapamwamba kwambiri muubwenzi kapena pa iwo eni, amadziika okha pachiwopsezo cholephera. Kulephera kulikonse komwe kungaoneke ngati kulephera kukwaniritsa miyezo imeneyi kungayambitse kudzidzudzula ndi kukhulupirira kuti munthuyo ndi wolakwa kapena wosakondedwa. Zotsatira zake, munthu angayambe kukayikira kuti, “Kodi ndimakondedwa?”, zomwe zimawonjezera kudzidalira kwawo.

Kusiyana pakati pa zenizeni ndi ziyembekezo zapamwamba zoterozo kumakhala maziko akudzimva kukhala wopereŵera ndi wosayenera, kufooketsa chidaliro cha munthu. Izi zimapangitsa kuti zikhale zovuta kuti anthu azidzimva kuti ndi olandiridwa kapena kukhulupirira kuti ena angawayamikiredi. Amaona ngakhale kuchoka pang'ono pa zomwe amayembekezera kukhala zizindikiro zodzimva kukhala osafunidwa muubwenzi. Kuthana ndi zimenezi nthawi zambiri kumaphatikizapo kuwunikanso zoyembekeza ndi kuzisintha kuti zikhale zenizeni komanso zokwaniritsika, kulimbikitsa kudzimvera chisoni, ndi kuvomereza zophophonya zomwe zimapangitsa munthu aliyense kukhala wokondeka mwapadera.

3. Zochitika zakale

Zochitika zakale zoipa, monga kukanidwa, kusiyidwa, kapena zochitika zomvetsa chisoni, zingayambitse kudzimva kukhala wosakondedwa. Zochitika zimenezi zingayambitse zipsera zamaganizo zomwe zimakhudza momwe munthu amadzionera komanso momwe angathere kuti azikondedwa, zomwe zimapangitsa munthu kukhulupirira kuti "ndimadzimva kuti sindikukondedwa ndi wosafunidwa ndi aliyense" kumverera komwe akulimbana nako ndi zoona. Nazi zitsanzo zomwe zingakuthandizeni kumvetsetsa izi.

• Atamukanidwa kangapo pa ntchito, mnansi wanga Mark anayamba kukayikira luso lake, akudziona kuti sangakondedwe pamene ankavutika kuti asiyanitse zolepheretsa akatswiri ndi kufunikira kwake.
• Mnzanga wina dzina lake Emily ali ndi vuto ngati limeneli. Makolo ake anasudzulana ali wamng’ono. Izi zidamupangitsa kukhala ndi malingaliro osiyidwa omwe adakulitsa kusatetezeka ndikupangitsa kuti kulumikizana kwakukulu kukhale kovuta kwa iye. Zimenezi zinakulitsa maganizo odziona ngati munthu wosakondedwa
• Mnzanga, Sarah, amene anasudzulana mopweteka kwambiri chifukwa cha kusakhulupirika, anakula nkhani za trust, ndipo zinamuvuta kumasuka m’maubwenzi otsatira, ponena kuti kupwetekedwa mtimako kunachititsa kuti iye adzimva kukhala wosakondedwa kwenikweni.

Linda Graham, katswiri wodziwa za ukwati komanso banja, akufotokoza mu blog yake momwe zomwe takumana nazo kale zingatipangitse kumva ngati sitikondedwa. Iye akunena kuti zomwe takumana nazo mobwerezabwereza zofikira ndikukumana ndi ululu zingapangitse kuti amygdala, mantha athu ndi malo athu amkati mwamtima, zikhazikitse kukumbukira komwe kumalumikiza chilakolako ndi kuyembekezera kupweteka, nthawi ndi nthawi, kupanga kuzungulira kosazindikira, ndikulimbitsa mawonekedwe a mitsempha. Ubongo, wozolowera kubwerezabwereza kumeneku, umakhazikitsa kulumikizana kolimba kwa mitsempha, monga kuzungulira kodzilimbitsa kapena simenti ya mitsempha.

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4. Kuyerekeza kosalekeza

Kudziyerekeza ndi ena nthawi zonse, makamaka pankhani ya maonekedwe, zomwe wakwanitsa, kapena ubale, kungayambitse kudzimva kuti ndiwe wosakwanira komanso wosakondedwa. Chizolowezi chodziyerekeza ndi ena nthawi zambiri chimachokera ku miyezo ya anthu komanso malingaliro osatheka.

Anthu akamaganizira za kufananitsa kumeneku, angayambe kukhulupirira kuti makhalidwe awo apaderawo ndi osakwanira, ndipo zimenezi zimachititsa kuti azikhala ndi chikhulupiriro chozama chakuti ndi osakondedwa. Kumasuka ku ndondomekoyi kumaphatikizapo kudzichitira chifundo, kuzindikira mphamvu za munthu payekha, ndi kuvomereza malingaliro odalirika komanso odzitsimikizira okha, osadziyerekezera ndi ena.

5. Kupanda kulimbitsa bwino

Kupanda kulimbikitsana bwino kumatha kukhudza kwambiri kudziona kuti ndi wofunika komanso kumapangitsa kuti azidzimva kukhala osakondedwa. Umu ndi momwe kulimbikitsa kwabwino kumagwirira ntchito:

• Kulimbikitsana koyenera, komwe kumaphatikizapo mawu otsimikizira, chilimbikitso, ndi mawu osonyeza chikondi, kumathandiza kwambiri kuti munthu ayambe kudziona kuti ndi wofunika.
• Popanda zokumana nazo zotsimikizira izi, anthu atha kuvutika kuti adzipangire okha malingaliro abwino
• Kusakhalapo kwa chilimbikitso chabwino, makamaka m'zaka zakubadwa, kungayambitse kuvulala kwaubwana ndi zikhulupiriro zazikulu zokhazikika kuti munthu sakuyenera kukondedwa ndi kulandiridwa.
• Makolo akutali amene amadzudzula nthaŵi zonse ndi kuyamikira kaŵirikaŵiri angachititse mwanayo kukhulupirira mozama kuti n’ngosayenera kukondedwa. Anthu oterowo amatha kupitilira moyo wawo wonse wachikulire akudzifunsa kuti, "Kodi ndimakondedwa?"

Nandita akuti, “Ngati munthu waudindo (kholo, mphunzitsi, wosamalira, wachibale) wakhala akudzudzula munthu nthawi zonse, makamaka ali mwana, kapena kumupangitsa kudziona ngati wotsika poyerekeza ndi ena, mosakayikira zingamupangitse kukhala wopanda makhalidwe abwino.” Pakapita nthawi, kusowa kumeneku kwa chitsimikizo chabwino chakunja ndi nkhanza zamaganizo kungapangitse kuti munthu asamadzidalire, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti zikhale zovuta kwa anthu kukhulupirira kuti amakondana. Angayambe kukhulupirira kuti sakuyenera kukhala ndi ubale wabwino.

Kuthana ndi malingalirowa nthawi zambiri kumaphatikizapo kudzipangira ulemu potsimikizira zabwino, kufunafuna kulumikizana kothandizira, ndi kusankha upangiri wa akatswiri. Kukulira m'dera lomwe chikondi ndi kulimbikitsana kwakhala zikusoweka kungakhudze kudzidalira kwa munthu komanso kukhulupirira kuti amakondedwa.

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6. Matenda a maganizo

Matenda a m'maganizo amachititsa kuti munthu ayambe kudziona ngati wosakondedwa mwa kusokoneza maganizo athu, kulimbikitsa maganizo olakwika, ndi kusokoneza anthu. Umu ndi momwe:

• Munthu amene sali bwino m'maganizo kapena akudwala matenda monga kuvutika maganizo ndi nkhawa akhoza kuyamba kukhulupirira zolakwa zomwe anabadwa nazo kapena kusayenera.
• Kusiya chikhalidwe, kuopa kukanidwa, ndi zovuta pakuwongolera malingaliro kapena kuzunza kumawonjezeranso kulimbanako, kuchepetsa zokumana nazo zabwino za anthu
• Zotsatira za matenda amisala pa maubwenzi, limodzi ndi mphamvu zochepa komanso zolimbikitsa, zimatha kulimbikitsa kudzipatula (kusungulumwa) komanso kusakondedwa.

Kulumikizana pakati pa thanzi labwino ndi malingaliro osakondedwa nthawi zambiri kumaphatikizapo njira yozungulira. Kuphwanya izi kumafuna njira yokhazikika, kuphatikizapo chithandizo, mankhwala, ndi njira zodzisamalira, zomwe cholinga chake ndi kukulitsa kudzimvera chisoni, kumanga maukonde othandizira, ndi kulimbikitsa maubwenzi abwino. Kuzindikira kuti zovuta za matenda amisala sizimatanthawuza kuthekera kwa munthu pa chikondi ndi kulumikizana ndi gawo lofunikira kwambiri paulendo wopita kuchilitso ndi kudziona koyenera.

7. Kuopa kukhala pachiwopsezo

Nthawi zina mantha oti simungakondedwe kapena kumva kuti simukukondedwa muubwenzi amachokera ku mantha oti simungakondedwe komanso kutsegula mwayi woti mukane. Mantha amenewa angapangitse kuti anthu azidziona kuti ndi ofooka muubwenzi wawo. Kuopa kufooka muubwenzi wawo kungapangitse munthu kukhala wosungulumwa, chifukwa chodzipatula. Kafukufuku akusonyeza kuti:

• Kusungulumwa kungayambitse kusokonezeka kwa umunthu (monga kusokonezeka kwa umunthu wa m'malire, matenda osokoneza bongo, ndi zina zotero) ndi psychoses, kudzipha, kusokonezeka kwa chidziwitso ndi kuchepa kwa chidziwitso m'kupita kwa nthawi, chiopsezo chowonjezeka cha matenda a Alzheimer's, kuchepa kwa ulamuliro wa akuluakulu, ndi zizindikiro zowawa.
• Kusungulumwa kumawonjezeranso kupsinjika maganizo, kuopa kudzikayikira, kuda nkhawa, ndi mkwiyo, pamene kumachepetsa chiyembekezo ndi kudzidalira.

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Kafukufukuyu akuwonetsa kuti kulumikizana komwe kumadziwika kuti kumalumikizana ndi anthu kumakhala ngati scaffold kwa inu nokha. Kuwononga scaffold ndipo ena onse akuyamba kusweka.

8. Masitayelo osagwirizana ndi thanzi

Masitayilo osakwanira a chikondi angathandize kuti munthu asamakondedwe kudzera m'njira zosiyanasiyana. Umu ndi momwe mungachitire:

• Anthu omwe ali ndi nkhawa amatha kuopa kusiyidwa, kufunafuna chilimbikitso nthawi zonse ndikupanga zilakolako zamalingaliro zomwe zimalimbitsa chikhulupiriro chao kuti sakondedwa popanda kutsimikizika kwakunja kosalekeza.
• Mosiyana ndi zimenezo, anthu omwe ali ndi njira zopewera kuyanjana akhoza kulimbana ndi chiyanjano, kulimbikitsa kutalikirana kwamaganizo ndi malingaliro olephera kukhala ndi mgwirizano wofunikira.

Makhalidwe osakhazikika a ubale, omwe amadziwika ndi khalidwe losagwirizana, amatha kusokoneza maganizo ndi kusokonezeka maganizo, zomwe zimapangitsa munthu kudzimva kuti ndi wosafunika. Koma n’chiyani chimayambitsa machitidwe oipa amenewa? “Pamene munthu akuyamba kukondana ndi kusakondedwa, izi zingayambitse mavuto paubwenzi ndi ubale wapamtima, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti azikhala ndi nkhawa nthawi zonse komanso kupewa kupanga ubale wozama kwambiri akakula,” akutero Nancy Paloma Collins , LMFT.

Kugwirizana kosayenera nthawi zambiri kumabweretsa mauneneri odzikwaniritsa ndikukulitsa nkhani zokondana, zomwe munthu angatanthauzire ngati zizindikiro zodzimva kukhala wosafunidwa pachibwenzi. Makhalidwe osonkhezeredwa ndi kusadzidalira angawononge maunansi, kulimbitsa chikhulupiriro cha kusakondedwa. Therapy imagwira ntchito yofunika kwambiri pothana ndi kusintha machitidwewa, kulimbikitsa kudzidziwitsa, kukhazikitsa zolumikizana zotetezeka, ndikukulitsa malingaliro abwino.

9. Chikhalidwe ndi chikhalidwe cha anthu

Zikhalidwe ndi chikhalidwe cha anthu zimatha kupangitsa kuti anthu azidzimva ngati osakondedwa mwa kuyika miyezo ndi ziyembekezo zomwe sizingachitike. Nkhani zodziwika bwino za chikhalidwe nthawi zambiri zimakhala ndi zikhulupiriro zokhudzana ndi kukongola, kupambana, ndi ubale wapakati pa anthu, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti anthu ena asawapeze.

Anthu amene amapatuka pazifukwa zoikidwiratu zimenezi angalowetse maganizo odziona ngati osayenerera, pokhulupirira kuti amalephera kutsatira mfundo za makhalidwe abwino za anthu za chikondi ndi kulandiridwa. Tsankho, kuganiza mozama, kapena kusalidwa chifukwa cha kusiyana kwa chikhalidwe kapena jenda kukhoza kukulitsa malingalirowa, kulimbikitsa chikhulupiriro chakuti munthu sakondedwa chifukwa cha tsankho.

Kafukufuku wina wasonyeza kuti kudzidalira kungapezeke bwino kuchokera ku makhalidwe omwe amakwaniritsa mfundo za chikhalidwe chozungulira. Mwachitsanzo:

• Otenga nawo mbali pazikhalidwe zomwe anthu amagogomezera mfundo monga kudzitsogolera komanso kukhala ndi moyo wosangalatsa (mwachitsanzo, UK, Western Europe, ndi madera ena a South America) anali ndi mwayi wodzidalira podzilamulira okha.
• Anthu a m'zikhalidwe zomwe amagogomezera kwambiri makhalidwe monga kugwirizana, miyambo, ndi chitetezo (mwachitsanzo, madera a Middle East, Africa, ndi Asia) anali ndi mwayi wodzidalira pochita ntchito yawo.

Kugonjetsa zovutazi kumaphatikizapo zovuta za chikhalidwe cha anthu, kuvomereza zosiyana, ndi kulimbikitsa kudziona kuti ndiwe wofunika popanda zoyembekeza zakunja za chikhalidwe. Kufunafuna thandizo kuchokera kumadera omwe amalimbikitsa kuphatikizidwa ndi kumvetsetsa kungakhalenso kofunika kwambiri polimbana ndi kukhudzidwa kwa chikhalidwe kapena chikhalidwe cha anthu pamalingaliro oti sakondedwa.

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Ndikofunikira kuzindikira kuti zifukwa izi zimalumikizana, ndipo munthu akhoza kukumana ndi zinthu izi. Nandita akusonyeza kuti munthu ayenera kusankha kudzikonda. Iye anati: “Zimakhudza mmene mukudzionera, osati mmene anthu amakuonerani.

Zomwe zimachititsa kuti munthu asamakondedwe - kapena kudzimva kuti sakukondedwa muubwenzi - ndizinthu zambiri, zolumikizana m'malingaliro, malingaliro, ndi chikhalidwe cha anthu. Kufufuza zinthu izi pochiza, kudzichitira chifundo, ndi kutsutsa malingaliro olakwika ndi njira zofunika kwambiri kuti tithe kuthetsa vutoli ndi kulimbikitsa malingaliro abwino aumwini pa nkhani ya chikondi ndi kuvomereza. M’chigawo chotsatira, tiona njira zingapo zothanirana ndi kudzimva kukhala wosakondedwa.

Kodi Mungatani Ngati Mumaona Kuti Simukukondedwa?

Ngati mumadzifunsa mafunso ngati "Chifukwa chiyani sindimadziona kuti ndine woyenera kukondedwa?" kapena “Kodi n’chiyani chimachititsa kuti munthu asakondedwe?” kapena nchifukwa ninji ndimadzimva kukhala wosakondedwa muubwenzi?”, zikhoza kukhala chifukwa cha zifukwa zina zimene tazitchula pamwambazi.Koma bwanji ponena za kulimbana ndi mkhalidwe wotero?Tsopano, pali njira zambiri zothanirana ndi kudzimva wosakondedwa kapena wosakondedwa.Kuyenda m’malo ovutawa odziona ngati wosakondedwa kumafuna njira yachifundo ndi dala yodzipezera wekha ndi machiritso. kupirira.

Wogwiritsa ntchito Quora anati, “Momwe mungathanirane ndi kusakondedwa ndi momwe Hellen Keller adathanirana ndi kubadwa wogontha, wosalankhula komanso wakhungu. Mumapeza cholinga chanu.” Wogwiritsa ntchito wina anati, “Yambani ndi kuganiza kuti ‘muli ndi phindu’. Mukakonda, kudzilemekeza, ndi kudzisamalira nokha, mutha kukonda ndi kusamalira ena. Nthawi iliyonse mukafuna kupereka kanthu kwa wina, choyamba yambani ndi inu nokha. Mukufuna kukonda, choyamba kudzikonda nokha , kudzipangitsa kukhala wosangalala. Zidzatuluka mwa inu monga momwe magazi amayendera m'mitsempha yanu.” Nazi njira zina zomwe mungathanirane ndi kudzimva kuti simukukondedwa.

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1. Khalani odzimvera chifundo

Yesetsani kudzimvera chisoni mwa kudzichitira chifundo ndi kumvetsetsa komwe mungachitire mnzanu amene akukumana ndi mavuto ofanana. Dzipatseni chikondi chopanda malire, khalani oleza mtima ndi inu nokha, ndipo dziwani kuti aliyense ali ndi nkhawa. Tara Brach , m'buku lake logulitsidwa kwambiri lakuti Radical Acceptance: Living Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha, akuti, "Kuvomereza ndi chikondi ndi zomwe zimachiritsa 'kuoneka ngati wosayenerera'. Ndipo ndi zinthu zokhazo zomwe zimachiritsa kumva ngati wosakondedwa."

2. Tsutsani maganizo anu oipa

Nandita akuti, “Dziwani chifukwa chake simukukondedwa. Kodi ndi kudzimva kuti mukudzipweteka nokha? Kodi ndi chifukwa cha mnzanu amene akukusiyani, kapena kukunyozani muubwenzi , kapena kukuzunzani mwamaganizo? Kodi ndi chifukwa cha zomwe mwakumana nazo kale? Tikadziwa chifukwa chake, zimakhala zosavuta kupita patsogolo pochiza vutoli.” Umu ndi momwe mungachitire izi:

• Dziwani ndikutsutsa malingaliro olakwika omwe amapangitsa kuti musakondedwe
• M'malo mwa malingaliro awa ndi kudzilankhula koyipa ndikutsimikizira koyenera komanso koyenera kuti musinthe malingaliro anu.

3. Funsani thandizo la akatswiri

Lingalirani chithandizo kapena upangiri kuti mufufuze zomwe zimayambitsa malingaliro awa. Othandizira amatha kupereka zidziwitso zofunikira komanso zida zowongolera ndikuthana ndi kudzimva kuti ndinu osakondedwa komanso zovuta zina zomwe zimabwera nazo. Koma pamapeto pake, munthu yekhayo amene angakuthandizeni ndi inuyo.

Malinga ndi Nandita, munthu ayenera kufunafuna thandizo la akatswiri kuchokera kwa katswiri wa zamaganizo kuti athetse matenda aliwonse amisala omwe amagwirizanitsidwa ndi kudziona ngati wosafunika komanso wosakondedwa. Ndipo ngati matenda amisala apezeka, katswiriyo adzakuthandizani kupeza njira yabwino kwambiri yothandizira. Ngati mukufunika, alangizi aluso komanso odziwa bwino ntchito omwe ali pagulu la Bonobology ali pano kuti akuthandizeni. Katswiri wa zamaganizo wa zachipatala wovomerezeka azitha kupereka chithandizo monga chithandizo chamaganizo, chithandizo champhamvu pakati pa anthu, komanso chithandizo chodzipereka.

4. Pangani maubwenzi abwino

Nandita akuti kukhala ndi dongosolo lothandizira komanso kulumikizana kwabwino ndikofunikira. Koma chofunika kwambiri ndi kukhulupirirana. Choncho fotokozerani zakukhosi kwa anthu amene mumawakhulupirira, ndipo sungani anzanu ndi achibale anu pafupi. Ngati mukuona kuti simukukondedwa pa chibwenzi, ingakhale nthawi yoti muone ngati zingakhale bwino kusiya chibwenzicho. Umu ndi momwe maubwenzi abwino amathandizire:

• Kupanga maubwenzi abwino imagwira ntchito ngati njira yothanirana ndi malingaliro osakondedwa popereka chilimbikitso ndi chithandizo chabwino pagulu
• Kuyanjana ndi anthu omwe amakumvetsetsani, kukuvomerezani, ndi kukuyamikirani kumathandizira kudzimva kuti ndinu wofunika komanso wofunika
• Maubwenzi amenewa amalimbikitsa malo omwe mungatsutse kudziona kolakwika, kulandira chikondi chenicheni, ndipo pang'onopang'ono mumayambanso kudziona ngati muli ndi chikondi komanso kugwirizana.

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5. Khalani ndi zoyembekeza zenizeni

Kukhazikitsa ziyembekezo zenizeni ndi njira yofunika kwambiri yothanirana ndi malingaliro osakondedwa, chifukwa kumafuna kuvomereza kuti ungwiro sungatheke. Mwa kuwunikanso ndikusintha ziyembekezo, mumapereka mpata wodzivomereza nokha ndikuvomereza zenizeni za kukhala munthu, wokhala ndi mphamvu ndi zofooka.

Kusintha kwa kaganizidwe kameneka kumalimbikitsa kudziona mwachifundo kwambiri, kumathandizira kudziona kuti ndinu wofunika komanso kukulitsa kudzidalira. "Muyenera kukumbukira kuti zonsezi ndi zamaganizo, choncho ndikofunikira kukonzanso malingaliro ndi malingaliro anu kuti akhale okoma mtima kwa inu ndikuyang'ananso mikhalidwe yabwino," akutero Nandita.

6. Kudzisamalira ndikuganizira za kukula kwanu

Ikani patsogolo ntchito zodzisamalira komanso zosamalira thanzi lanu zomwe zimakubweretserani chisangalalo ndi mpumulo. Kusamalira thanzi lanu la thupi ndi la maganizo kungakuthandizeni kudzidalira komanso momwe mumaonera zinthu. Dziwani madera omwe mungakulire ndikukhazikitsa zolinga zenizeni. Kukwaniritsa zinthu, ngakhale zitakhala zazing'ono bwanji, kungalimbikitse kudzidalira kwanu ndikuthandizira kukhala ndi chithunzi chabwino cha inu nokha. Siyani makhalidwe anu odziwononga.

7. Yesani zitsimikiziro, zolemba, kulingalira, ndi kusinkhasinkha

Yang'anani pazochitika zabwino kuti mudzidziwe bwino, khalani ozindikira zakukhosi kwanu, ndipo phunzirani kuchotsa malingaliro abwino kudzera muchisokonezo chamalingaliro olakwika. Izi ndi zofunika:

• Pangani ndi kubwereza zitsimikiziro zabwino zomwe zimalimbitsa kudzimva kukhala wofunika komanso kukondedwa. Zitsimikizo zitha kukhala chida champhamvu chothana ndi kudzilankhula kolakwika ndikulimbikitsa malingaliro abwino
• Kupeza njira fotokozani zakukhosi kwanu ndi malingaliro kudzera muzolemba zitha kukhala njira yochiritsira yodziwikiratu komanso kuzindikira zomwe zimayambitsa kusakondedwa. Zimaperekanso mbiri ya kupita patsogolo kwanu pakapita nthawi
• Phunzirani kulingalira ndi kusinkhasinkha kuti mukhale ndi chidziwitso chaumwini ndi kuchepetsa nkhawa. Zochita izi zingakuthandizeni kukhala okhazikika pakali pano ndikukhala ndi malingaliro oyenera

Kulandira mphamvu zaumwini, kumvetsetsa zomwe zimayambitsa, ndikukonzanso pang'onopang'ono malingaliro abwino ndi zinthu zofunika kwambiri pakusintha kumeneku. Kupyolera mu kudzilingalira ndi kuchita mwadala, anthu akhoza kukulitsa ubale weniweni ndi wachikondi ndi iwo eni, potsirizira pake amamasuka ku ukapolo wosakondedwa ndi kulimbikitsa kudziona kuti ndi ofunika m'chikondi ndi mgwirizano. Choncho chotsani mafunso monga akuti 'Kodi n'zotheka kukhala wosakondedwa?' ndiponso 'N'chifukwa chiyani ndimadziona kuti ndine wosayenera kukondedwa?' kuchokera m'maganizo mwanu ndikuyesera zinthu zingapo zomwe zatchulidwa pamwambapa kuti zikuthandizeni kuthana ndi kudzimva kuti ndinu osakondedwa.

Pakufufuza kovutirapo kwa mafunso ovutitsa "Kodi ndine wosakondedwa?" ndi "Chifukwa chiyani sindiri wokondeka?," zimakhala zoonekeratu kuti ulendo wodzipeza nokha ndi machiritso onse ndi aumwini komanso osintha. Kuvomereza ndi kutsutsa malingaliro olakwika, kulimbikitsa kudzimvera chisoni, ndi kufunafuna chithandizo ndizo maziko othetsera magwero a kusakonda.

Ndi mkati mwa masitepe odzilingalira, kukula mwadala, ndi kukulitsa maubwenzi atanthauzo omwe anthu angathe kudutsa mithunzi ya kusakondedwa, potsirizira pake kupeza chikondi chakuya ndi chokhalitsa ndi kuvomereza mwa iwo okha. Ulendo wopita kudziko lodzikonda suli wa mzere, koma kupyolera mu kudekha, kudzimvera chisoni, ndi kudzipereka, munthu akhoza kutuluka kuchokera mukuya kwa chikayiko kupita ku kumvetsetsa kowala ndi kotsimikizika kwa chikondi chobadwa nacho.

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