Dumpers Ukuzisola: Incazelo, Izimpawu, kanye nezigaba

Ukuhlukana nothile kungase kube okuhlangenwe nakho okunzima nokuthinteka ngokomzwelo, kodwa kuthiwani nge-rollercoaster engokomzwelo evame ukunganakwa yilowo oqala ukuhlukana? I-Dumpers remorse, igama elizuza ukuqashelwa endaweni yengqondo yobudlelwano, icubungula imizwa eyinkimbinkimbi kanye nokuzisola okuzwiwa yilabo abanquma ukuqeda ubuhlobo bothando. Lesi simo sigqamisa umqondo wokuthi ukwehlukana akukona njalo ukunqoba kohlangothi olulodwa. Oshiywe ngemuva ubhekana nobuhlungu benhliziyo nokudideka, kodwa lowo othatha isinyathelo sokuqeda ubudlelwano naye udlula ohambweni lwakhe olunezinxushunxushu nakuba engase abeke udonga lwemizwa.

Kulesi sihloko, sizohlola umqondo wokuzisola kwama-dumpers, esikhanyisela incazelo yawo, izimpawu okufanele uziqaphele, nezigaba ngokuvamile ezihlanganisayo. Dhriti Bhavsar (I-MA Clinical Psychology), umeluleki wezobudlelwano, uzosisiza ukuthi siqonde lesi sici sesipiliyoni sokuhlukana futhi asinikeze ukuqonda ngobunkimbinkimbi bemizwa nobudlelwano bomuntu. Noma ngabe uke wabhekana nokuzisola kwama-dumpers noma ufuna ukwazi ngemiphumela yako, lesi sihloko sizokunikeza imininingwane ebalulekile esihlokweni esibaluleke kakhulu ekuqondeni isimo somuntu njengobuhlungu bokuba nguwe oshiywe ngemuva.

Kuyini Ukuzisola Kwe-Dumpers?

I-Dumpers remorse, eyaziwa nangokuthi i-dumpers iyazisola kanye necala lokulahla, ayinazo izici ezifanayo njengomzwelo ojwayelekile. Lokhu kusho ukuthi, ngokungafani nentukuthelo noma ukudabuka, ayizivezi ngaso leso sikhathi. Kunalokho, ingena kancane kancane ekuqapheleni komuntu. Kuyimpendulo engathandeki kakhulu etholwa umuntu oqala ukuhlukana kwezothando. Ngokuvamile kubonakala ngokuzisola okukhulu, ukuqagela, neminye imizwa engqubuzanayo.

UDhriti uthi, “Labo abazisola ngemva kokuhlukana bangase bazithole bezindla ngokukhetha kwabo, benomuzwa wecala ngobuhlungu ababuzwise umngane wabo womshado wangaphambili, futhi bengabaza ukuthi benze isinqumo esifanele yini.

A Umsebenzisi we-Reddit ube nalokhu okushoyo ephendula umbuzo wokuthi ukuzisola kwabalahlayo kuyiqiniso yini noma cha: “Kuyiqiniso impela. Uma umuntu echithe noma yisiphi isikhathi eside nomunye umuntu, waze wamazi lowo muntu, uke waba nezikhathi ezisondelene nalowo muntu, wabelane ngezinto ezithinta imizwelo nalowo muntu, ube nezikhathi ezijabulisayo nalowo muntu khona-ke vele uzokwakha ubuhlobo. Lokhu kuholela ekutheni ukukhathazeka ngemva kokuhlukana. Futhi lokhu kubuyela ngempela kokhokho bethu basendulo. Noma yikuphi ukulahlekelwa kokuxhumana nomuntu noma iqembu labantu ozizwe uphephile futhi uxhumene nabo kuzodala ukukhathazeka.

Ngakho-ke ngisho noma umuntu ehlukana nawe, nakuba ezozizwa ekhululekile, ngisho nenjabulo ngokwenza isenzo, nakanjani uzozisola, nokudabuka, futhi yebo ngisho nomuzwa wecala kuye ngesimo.” Ngakho-ke abadumper baqala nini ukuzisola ngesinqumo sabo? Futhi kwenzekani engqondweni yalowo owake wathandana naye lapho beqala ukuhlukana? Nakhu ukuzisola kwama-dumpers ngokombono wengqondo.

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I-Dumpers Remorse Psychology

I-Dumpers remorse, ngokombono wengqondo, iwukusebenzelana okuyinkimbinkimbi kwemizwa okuvamise ukubandakanya umuzwa ojulile wokungaboni ngaso linye, njengoba umuntu ebhekana nesinqumo asenzile. Ucwaningo uthole ukuhlobana phakathi kobuhlungu benhliziyo nezimpawu zokucindezeleka. Lezi zimpawu zingadala umuzwa wokuzisola ku-dumper, okungabaphoqa ukuthi bazame ukubuyelana nomlingani wabo wangaphambili.

Ukuqonda lokhu kuguquguquka kwengqondo kubalulekile kulabo abahlangabezana nokuzisola, njengoba kungabasiza ukuba benze umqondo wemizwa yabo futhi, ekugcineni, bathole indlela ukuphulukiswa kanye nokukhula komuntu siqu. Nakhu ukuhlukaniswa kwe-dumpers remorse psychology:

• Ngakolunye uhlangothi, bangase babe nezizathu eziqinile zokuqeda ubuhlobo, njengokungahambelani noma ukukhula komuntu siqu
• Ngakolunye uhlangothi, babhekana nesiyaluyalu somzwelo kanye ne-nostalgia, okungaholela ekungabazeni ukukhetha ngisho nokwenza kahle okwedlule.
• Lokhu kudonselana okungokwengqondo kuqhutshwa ukumelana kobuchopho noshintsho kanye nokulangazelela ukujwayelana nokunethezeka kobudlelwane bangaphambili.

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Ngokuka-Dhriti, “Emnyombweni wako, ukuzisola kwama-dumpers kubangelwa ukuthambekela kwemvelo komuntu kokulangazelela ukuxhumana nokusondelana. Nakuba kungase kube ubuhlobo obusindwa yizingxabano, umuntu oqale ukuhlukana angase aphuthelwe ubungane, uthando, nomlando wobudlelwane. Le mizwa ingaqiniswa yi- ukwesaba ukuba wedwa kuze kube phakade, ukugcwaliseka kwesikhala esishiywe ukungabikho komunye umuntu, nomuzwa wokulahlekelwa ngamaphupho nezinhlelo okwabelwana ngazo manje okubonakala kungafinyeleleki.”

Ukuqonda i-dumpers remorse psychology kungasiza abantu ukuthi babhekane nemiphumela engokomzwelo yokuhlukana futhi kukhuthaze ukukhula komuntu siqu kanye nokwelashwa. Ngakho-ke, i-dumpers iqala nini ukuzisola? Futhi abadumper baqala nini ukuzisola ngokukhetha kwabo?

Izimpawu Zokuzisola KwamaDumpers

UDhriti uthi, “Ukuzisola kwama-Dumpers kuwumshikashika ongokomzwelo umuntu oqala ukuhlukana. Kuphawuleka ngokubuza njalo, umuzwa wecala, kanye nokulangazelela okunamandla ngalokho okwake kwaba yikho, okwenza kube nzima ukunikeza owake waba khona isikhala.

Izimpawu zokuzisola njengoba zitholwa yi-dumper

Ukuqaphela ukuzisola komuntu siqu noma kothile oqale ukuhlukana kubalulekile ukuze uqonde imiphumela eyinkimbinkimbi engokomzwelo yokuqeda ubuhlobo. Nakuba izimpawu zokuzisola kwama-dumpers zingahluka kumuntu nomuntu, kunezinkomba ezivamile ezingasiza ukukhomba lesi simo:

• Ukuqagela okwesibili isinqumo: Labo ababhekana nokuzisola bangase babuze ngokuphindaphindiwe ukuthi ukuqeda ubuhlobo kwakuyisinqumo esifanele yini. Bangase bajike phakathi kokuzizwa bekhululekile futhi bezisola ngesinqumo sabo
• Icala elikhulu: Imizwa yecala nokuba nesibopho ngobuhlungu ababuzwise umlingani wabo wangaphambili ingaba nkulu futhi ingase ibonakale njengesifiso sokubuyisela kubo
• Ukulangazelela kanye ne-nostalgia: Abantu abanama-dumpers benecala bavame ukuzizwa benganakile, belangazelela kakhulu ubungane, ukusekelwa ngokomzwelo, nokuhlangenwe nakho okwabiwe ababa nakho nozakwethu wangaphambili.
• Ukwenziwa kokusebenza kwesikhathi esedlule: Kungase kube nokuthambekela ekwenzeni ubuhlobo obuhle, kugxilwe ezicini ezinhle futhi kunganakwa izizathu zokuhlukana, ukudala umbono osontekile wesikhathi esidlule
• Ukuzihlukanisa kanye nesizungu: Umuntu obhekene nokuzisola angase abe nzima ukujwayela ukuphila komuntu oyedwa ngemva kokuba sebudlelwaneni
• Imizamo yokuxhuma kabusha: Abanye abantu abanokuzisola kwama-dumpers bangase bafune izindlela zokuphinde baxhumane nozakwethu wangaphambili, ngokuvamile beqhutshwa ithemba lokuvuselela ubuhlobo noma ukuthola ukuvalwa.
• Ukungaboni ngaso linye ngekusasa: Kungaba khona ukungaqiniseki ngobudlelwano besikhathi esizayo kanye nokwesaba ukuphinda amaphutha afanayo, okubenza bangabaze ukuqhubeka

Ukuqaphela lezi zimpawu kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokubhekana nokuzisola kwabalahlayo ngemva kokuhlukana kanye nomthelela wako. Kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuthi le mizwa iyingxenye yemvelo yenqubo yokwelapha futhi ingaholela ekukhuleni komuntu siqu kanye nokuzitholela wena uma isingathwa ngendlela eyakhayo. Kungakusiza nokuba ube umuntu ophile kahle ngokomzwelo.

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Izimpawu zokulahla ukuzisola njengoba kufakazelwa yi-ex

Uma usesimweni sokwehlukana, kubalulekile ukuqaphela izimpawu zokuzisola kwabalahlayo. Ukuqonda lezi zimpawu kunganikeza ukuqonda ngokuziphatha kwalowo wangaphambili kanye nesimo sakhe samanje somzwelo. Nazi:

• Ukuxhumana okungahambisani: Uzakwethu wangaphambili angase abonise amaphethini okuxhumana ashintshashintshayo, eshintshashintsha phakathi kwezikhathi zokufuna ukuxhumana futhi anqamule kungazelelwe ukuthintana. Lokhu kungqubuzana komqondo we-ex yakho kuwuphawu lomzabalazo wabo wangaphakathi
• Imilayezo ehlanganisiwe: Bangase bathumele amasiginali ahlanganisiwe, bezwakalisa isifiso sokuhlala bengabangane noma ngezinye izikhathi beveza ithuba lokubuyisana, ngisho noma ukuhlukana kuyisinqumo sabo.
• Icala elinamandla nokuziphatha kokuxolisa: Uma lowo owake wathandana naye ezisola, angase enze umzamo omkhulu wokuzwakalisa icala lakhe, axolise njalo ngokukuzwisa ubuhlungu futhi athi kube iphutha elibi kunawo wonke abake bawenza.
• Isiyaluyalu somzwelo: Icala lama-Dumpers lingenza owakwakho abe nesiyaluyalu ngokomzwelo. Bangase babe nokushintshashintsha kwemizwelo, babonise ukudabuka nentukuthelo, futhi bangase basho ngokuphindaphindiwe ukuthi uyazisola ngokuhlephula izinto.
• Ukuvakashela kabusha izinkumbulo ezidlule: Uzakwethu wangaphambili angase akhumbule izikhathi eziningi ezedlule enabelane ngazo, ezwakalisa umuzwa wokulangazelela nokulangazelela izikhathi ezimnandi enaba nazo ndawonye.
• Imizamo yakho yangaphambili yokuxhuma kabusha: Njengoba belwa nemizwa yabo, owake wathandana naye angase aqale ukuxhumana noma afune amathuba okuchitha isikhathi ndawonye, ​​ngisho noma ningabangane nje. Lezi zindlela zokuziphatha zikhomba emizweni yabo engaxazululiwe
• Ambivalence mayelana nokuqhubeka: Bangase bazwakalise ukudideka noma ukungabaza ngobudlelwano babo besikhathi esizayo, besaba ukuthi bazoba bodwa futhi bangajabule nanoma ubani omunye

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Ngokuka-Dhriti, "Lapho ususekupheleni kokuhlukana, ukuqaphela izimpawu zokulahla icala ekuziphatheni komuntu wangaphambili kungase kube umthombo wokuqonda nokusekelwa ngokomzwelo. Lezi zimpawu zizohlanganisa ukukhulumisana okungaguquki noma okuxubile kanye nomuzwa wecala. Ukuqonda lezi zimpawu kungakusiza ukuba uzulazule ku-dynamics yangemuva kokuhlukana ngokuzwela futhi okungase kuholele ekuxhumaneni okunempilo."

Nakuba kubalulekile ukuvikela inhlala-kahle yakho engokomzwelo, ukuvuma ukuthi unenkinga yomngane wakho wangaphambili kungakusiza wenze isinqumo sokuhlala umngane naye noma uqhubekele phambili ngokwehlukana. I amandla okuthula ngemva kokuhlukana ihamba ibanga elide kulesi simo.

Izigaba zokuzisola kwamaDumpers

Ukuzisola kwama-Dumpers kuvame ukuvela ngezigaba ezihlukene nangephethini ethize ebikezelwe nakuba kungase kuhlanganise nokuziphatha okungalindelekile. Lezi zigaba zomzwelo ze-dumper zingase zingalingani, futhi abantu bangaphinde bazivakashele noma bathuthuke kuzo ngezigaba ezihlukene. Nansi imininingwane ebalulekile ngomugqa wesikhathi wokuzisola wama-dumpers:

1. Umuzwa wokukhululeka nokukhululwa, mhlawumbe isimo sokuphika

NgokukaDhriti, umuzwa wokukhululeka kanye nenkululeko ungowokuqala phakathi kwezigaba zokuzisola zama-dumpers, ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukana. "Umdubuli angase azizwe ekhululekile ukuthi ubudlelwano obubonakala bufile sebuphelile, mhlawumbe ngenxa yokuthi bebezizwa becindezelwe noma bencishiwe yikho. Lesi sigaba sokukhululeka sivame ukuhambisana nokuzethemba okuphakeme noma ubuqhawe, okubonakala njengokuya ephathini okuvamile, ukwanda kokuzijabulisa, kanye nempilo yokuzimela ngendlela engavamile. Kodwa ngokuvamile kuwukufihla ubuhlungu babo ngemva kokuhlukana," esho ngomuntu ophikayo ohlukunyezwayo. ukungakwazi ukuphulukisa ngemva kokuhlukana.

2. Ukwanda kokucasuka ngakulowo owayenguzakwethu ngamaphutha esikhathi esidlule — Isigaba sesibili secala labadumper

Lapho kuba nzima ukuphika ubuhlungu, i-dumper iya ngokuya iba nokucasuka. Banemicabango eminingi mayelana namaphutha omlingani wabo wangaphambili futhi bavame ukugxila kuwo ngomunyu. U-Dhriti uthi, “Lokhu kuholela ekufuneni ukwazi ngasohlangothini lwe-dumper. okuthunyelwe kwezokuxhumana, noma ubuze abangani bakho ngazo.” Kodwa kuqale nini ukuzisola kwama-dumpers?

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3. Umuzwa wokulangazelela izikhathi ezimnandi

Le ngxenye yomugqa wesikhathi wezigaba ze-dumper imakwe ukulangazelela okujulile izici ezinhle zobudlelwano, izinkumbulo ezabiwe, nokuxhumana ngokomzwelo abake baba nakho. I-Nostalgia ingaholela ekucabangeni okwedlule kanye neminye imizwa yothando-dovey. Into enjalo ingasithola kalula.

Ngokuka-Dhriti, "Lapha kulapho ama-dumpers anecala aqala khona ngempela. Ngenkathi besahlezi emaphutheni omlingani wabo wangaphambili ngaphambili, manje sebelungisa zonke izikhathi ezimnandi. Lokhu kuvame ukuhlanekezela inkumbulo yobudlelwane ngakolunye uhlangothi, ngokusebenzisa izibuko ezinemibala ebomvu. Futhi le ntshisekelo esanda kutholwa yilapho isifiso sokuvuselela ubuhlobo siqala khona."

4. Imizamo yokuxhuma kabusha noma ukuvuselela uthando lwangaphambilini — Isigaba sesine sokuzisola kwama-dumpers

Kuleli qophelo, umuntu angase afune ukuphinde axhumane nomlingani wakhe wangaphambili, eqhutshwa ithemba lokuvuselela ubuhlobo. Kungase kuqale ngomlayezo wombhalo ongalindelekile ngamahora angajwayelekile ebusuku ukuze udlulise isithakazelo ngesineke noma ukukala ngokufihlekile isikali sakho senzuzo. Bazothola ubuhlakani obukhulu ekuzameni ukuthola ukuthi ulele kuphi ku-spectrum yentshisekelo.

Kodwa kusele isikhathi eside ukuthi iqhubekele ekushayeni izingcingo, ikakhulukazi uma idakiwe. Okwake kwaba udonga oluthinta imizwelo manje sekuwuhide lwezicelo zokuphelelwa ithemba. Lapho inqatshwa kaningi, i-dumper ingase ilingane sebenzisa ukucupha, okungaba ku-inthanethi noma mathupha. Lokhu kwenza esinye sezigaba zomzwelo eziqine kakhulu ze-dumper.

A Ucwaningo ithole ukuthi cishe u-76.5% wamadoda abuya zingakapheli izinsuku ezingu-60 eqale ukuhlukana. Nakuba usayizi wesampula umncane futhi ucacile - cishe amadoda aseMelika ayi-1,400 ahlolwa - asakhomba into engase ivame kakhulu kunalokho esikucabangayo.

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5. Umuzwa wokuphelelwa ithemba ohambisana nokuxoxisana okungenangqondo

Kuleli qophelo kumugqa wesikhathi wezigaba ze-dumper, i-dumper isisekupheleni kobuhlakani bayo futhi uzosho noma enze noma yini acabanga ukuthi izovuselela ubudlelwano. Bazoqala kancane kancane ukulahlekelwa ukuzethemba. Emizameni yabo yokukusukela bayoba necala ngakho konke okungahambanga kahle futhi bathembise ukushintsha. Bayobhekana nokuphazamiseka kwemizwelo, okuhlanganisa ukushintshashintsha kwemizwelo, ukudabuka, nentukuthelo njengoba bezama “ukulungisa izinto.”

Inothi labalingani babo: Njengoba bebonakala bengakuthandi ukwenqatshwa, kunzima kakhulu ukugwema ukuziphatha okufana nokujaha kulesi sigaba. Uzodinga setha imingcele lapha. Iningi lamaphutha angemva kokuhlukana ngokuvamile enzeka kulesi sigaba.

6. Ukuphazamiseka kwemizwelo ngenxa yokwenqatshwa ngokuphindaphindiwe

Uma benqatshwa kaningi, isimo sabo somzwelo sizoba sibi kakhulu njengoba impilo yabo izungeza ukubuyelana nomuntu wangaphambili. U-Dhriti ulandisa ngekhasimende elazisola ngalo isoka layo: “Ikhasimende lami lalahlwa ngaphandle kokulivala kakhulu futhi lazama ukuhlenga ubudlelwano kodwa isoka lalo labe selikwazile ukukwamukela.

“Ekuqaleni wayenjalo ezama ukwenza i-ex yakhe ibe nesikhwele, kodwa kancane kancane kwavela ukuthi amtshele imininingwane ngobudlelwano bakhe obusha. Ngaleso sikhathi wayezoqala ukuqhathanisa intombi yakhe entsha nekhasimende lami. Ngesinye isikhathi, wathi wabiza intombi yakhe entsha ngegama leklayenti lami ngesikhathi bexabana. Akushiwo, wamlahla futhi wahlupha iklayenti lami izinyanga zilandelana. Ngenxa yalokhu kuziphatha kwaphoqeleka ukuthi amvale kuzo zonke izinkundla zokuxhumana waze wasabisa ngokuthi uzofaka amaphoyisa kuze kube uyahoxa.”

7. Isimo sokuphika sibuyekezwe

Uma lokhu kwenqatshwa kwakamuva sekusingathwe ku-dumper, ngokuvamile bangena esimweni sokuphika futhi. Bayabuphika ubuhlungu babo kanye nokuzisola kwabo kubangani babo kanye nomndeni, kodwa empeleni, bazama ukuphika kubo nabo. I-dumper in denial ingase futhi izwakalise ukungaqiniseki mayelana nabo ubudlelwano besikhathi esizayo, besaba ukuthi ngeke bakuthole ukuxhumana okufanayo noma injabulo kwenye indawo. Lokhu kungaboni ngaso linye kuwumuzwa ojwayelekile womuntu odlula ekwehlukaneni, kodwa kungabambezela inqubo yokuqhubekela phambili kakhulu kulesi simo.

8. Izigaba zokugcina zokuzisola kwabalahlayo: Ukwamukelwa kancane kancane nokuqhubekela phambili

Izigaba ezimbili zokugcina zokuzisola ziwukwamukelwa kancane kancane kanye namandla okuqhubekela phambili. Lesi sigaba esihlanganisiwe siphawula inguquko ohambweni lwemizwa yomuntu oqale ukuhlukana.

Phakathi nalesi sigaba se-dumpers sokuzisola umugqa wesikhathi, umuntu uqala ukwamukela iqiniso lokuhlukana kanye nemiphumela yesinqumo sabo. Bangase bavumelane neqiniso lokuthi ubuhlobo buphelile futhi bavume izizathu eziholele ekuhlukaneni kwasekuqaleni. Lokhu kwamukelwa kuvame ukuhambisana nomuzwa wokuvala, okungaba ukwelapha kubo bobabili odumper kanye nomlingani wabo wangaphambili.

Ekugcineni, lesi sigaba singaholela ekukhuleni komuntu siqu kanye nokuzitholela wena. Umuntu angase afunde izifundo ezibalulekile ebudlelwaneni bakhe bangaphambili kanye nesipiliyoni sokuhlukana, okungaba nomthelela ekuxhumaneni okunempilo okuzayo. Ukwamukelwa kancane kancane kanye nekhono lokuqhubekela phambili kuyingxenye ye inqubo yokuphulukisa futhi ingaletha umuzwa wokuvala kumdubuli odabukile wenhliziyo.

Emdwebeni oyinkimbinkimbi wobudlelwane babantu, ukuzisola kuwuchungechunge oluvame ukunganakwa. Ukuqonda ukujula kwalolu hambo olungokomzwelo, kusukela ekuqalweni kwalo kuya ezigabeni zokugcina zokwamukelwa nokuphulukiswa, kunikeza ukuqonda okubalulekile kubo bobabili abaqala ukuhlukana kanye nalabo ababhekana nobuhlungu benhliziyo bokushiywa ngemuva.

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Uvalelisa Kanjani Kumuntu Omthandayo

Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.