Isigaba sehoneymoon sase siphelile impela. Ngenkathi eminyakeni emibili yokuqala yomshado kaJenny noRichard, ukulwa bekukuncane futhi kungavamile futhi ubulili be-makeup benza ukuba ukucasuka kuphele, bekungenjalo kulezi zinsuku. Manje, ukulwa kwakungenxa yezindaba ezinkulu.
Ngokwesibonelo, uRichard wayefuna ingane kuyilapho uJenny ezwa sengathi akakakulungeli ukubhekana nokuphazamiseka komsebenzi ngaleso sikhathi. Akusizanga ukuthi ahlale etshelwa umlingani wakhe ukuthi iwashi lakhe legazi liyahamba! Lokho kwavele kwamcasula kakhulu. Babengafunda kanjani ukuyeka ukulwa ebudlelwaneni?
Ukubhekana nalolu daba sinemibono evela kochwepheshe ababili - Kashish Vyas, umeluleki kanye nomsebenzi we-EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), kanye Riddhi Doshi Patel, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo yezingane kanye nomsunguli-umqondisi we-Rhhyns Academy eMumbai.
Ukuxabana nokulwa kuyingxenye yanoma ibuphi ubuhlobo bothando. Ukulwa ngezinye izikhathi kuyadingeka ukuze uveze imizwa eqinile noma imibono kumlingani wakho. Nokho, uma ukulwa kuvame kakhulu futhi kuqhuma, kungabangela ukucindezeleka okukhulu. Kungase kwenze kube nzima ngombhangqwana ukuthi uphinde uxhumeke ezingeni elisondelene. Kungase kube nomthelela omubi kwezinye izici zokuphila kwabo.
Ubutha obuyisisekelo ebudlelwaneni bungabangela umoya onobuthi ekhaya. Uma kunezingane, zingase zihlukumezeke ngokubona izimpi eziqinile phakathi kwabazali bazo. Ukulwa njalo ebudlelwaneni nakho kungaholela ekwehlukaneni noma ekwehlukaniseni. Ungakuyeka kanjani ukulwa nomngane wakho womshado? Ngaphambi kokuthi sikuhlole lokhu, ake sibheke izinkinga izithandani ezivame ukulwa ngazo.
Yini Izithandani Ezilwa Ngayo
Okuqukethwe
A 2020 cwaningo eshicilelwe kujenali Personality and Individual Differences enesihloko esithi 'Ukungezwani komuntu ngamunye kanye nokungavumelani ebuhlotsheni bothando' kukhanyisa lolu daba. Ucwaningo lwenze isikali esibizwa ngokuthi Izizathu Zokungavumelani Esikalini Sobudlelwano Bothando (RDRRS). Isikali siqukethe izinto ezingama-30 ezihlelwe ngezigaba eziyisithupha:
Ukunakwa/ukuthandwa okunganele: Lokhu kuyinkinga engathi sína njengoba abantu abaningi beqonda uthando njengokunaka nokubonakaliswa kothando. Ngezinye izikhathi, kungase kube a inkinga yokuxhumana noma ukukhathazeka kungase kube yimbangela. Ukuze ugweme izingxabano ebudlelwaneni, gxila kumlingani wakho lapho ekhuluma noma exoxa ngemizwa yakhe
Umona/ukungathembeki: Izimpi zingase ziqale uma uthintana nomuntu othandana naye, uma ujwayele ukuqhathanisa isithandwa sakho nabanye besilisa/abesifazane ngendlela engafanele, noma uma unomkhuba wokushela. Yeka ukulwa nentombi yakho ngokuyenza izizwe ikhethekile futhi ivikelekile
Imisebenzi/izibopho: Lokhu kungaba inkinga enamathelayo. Uma bobabili beyizingcweti ezisebenzayo, umuntu owenza umsebenzi owengeziwe endlini nakanjani uyoba nomuzwa wokuthi izinto azilungile. Gwema izingxabano ebuhlotsheni ngokulungiselela isimiso somsebenzi wawo wonke amalungu omndeni, kuhlanganise nezingane
Sex: Imikhankaso ehlukene yocansi, ukungenzeki ucansi njalo kanye nocansi olungagculisi konke kuyizindawo ezinameva. Yekani ukulwa nowakwakho futhi uzame ukuxoxa ngokukhululekile ngale ndaba. Ukuvakashela owelapha ngomshado noma isazi socansi kungasiza
Ukulawula/ukubusa: Uma ubudlelwano bungakhiwe ngokulingana, umlingani oyedwa angase abuse phezu komunye. Izinqumo ezinkulu nezincane zingase zithathwe umlingani ovelele, okwenza umlingani ozithobayo azizwe ekhungathekile. Enye indlela yokuyeka ukulwa nentombi yakho ukuyinika izwi elilinganayo kuzo zonke izinqumo, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi zincane kangakanani
Izinhlelo zesikhathi esizayo/imali: Lapha inkinga enkulu ukuthi ingabe imigomo yomuntu ngamunye iyavunyelaniswa yini nemigomo embalwa. Izingane - ukuthi zizoba nezingane futhi nini, kuvame ukuba yimpikiswano. Uma usunazo izingane, izitayela ezahlukene zokukhulisa izingane zingadala ukungqubuzana. Ozakwethu abahlala ngokuhlukana ngenxa yempoqo yobuchwepheshe nakanjani bazobhekana nokungezwani. Ungayeka ukulwa in a ubudlelwano bebanga elide ngokuhlala nithintana njalo nangokubonisana uthando nokwazisa kwenu
Imali ibhekwa abanye ochwepheshe njengembangela enkulu yokungqubuzana kwemibhangqwana. Ubani oletha imali eningi, othatha izinqumo ezihlobene nemali, ubani okufanele akhokhele okuthile, izitayela ezahlukene zokusebenzisa - lezi yizindaba lapho ukulwa kwemali kwenzeka khona.
Ngemva kweminyaka engu-40 yokuhlangenwe nakho, umeluleki wemishado owaziwayo uDkt. John Gottman wafinyelela esiphethweni sokuthi u-69% wezingxabano zomshado azixazululeki. Lokho kusho ukuthi imibhangqwana ivame ukuba nokulwa okufanayo ngokuphindaphindiwe. Kungaba phezu kwemali, ukusondelana noma umndeni. Futhi ngezinye izikhathi, ukubona udokotela noma isazi sezocansi kuyasiza.
Ukulwa Okuqhubekayo Ebudlelwaneni Ngenxa Yezidingo Ezingafinyeleli
Nakuba sinenqwaba yezizathu zokuthi kungani imibhangqwana ilwa, kunentambo eyodwa evamile kuzo zonke lezi zizathu. Ngokusho kwe-2018 cwaningo eshicilelwe kuJournal of Family Therapy enesihloko esithi 'Kungani imibhangqwana ilwa? Umbono wokukhungatheka wesidingo mayelana nokungqubuzana kobudlelwane kanye nokunganeliseki', izingxabano zingase ziqubuke njengoba abalingani bengakwazi ukwanelisa izidingo zomunye nomunye.
Abantu banezidingo ezintathu ezingokwengqondo - isidingo sokuzimela, ikhono kanye nokuhlobana. Isidingo sokuzimela siyakhungatheka lapho abantu bezizwa belawulwa umlingani wabo. Isidingo somuntu sekhono siyakhungatheka lapho umlingani evusa imizwa yokwehluleka.
Kodwa-ke, okubaluleke kakhulu 'ukuhlobana kudinga ukukhungatheka' lapho abalingani bebanda, benqaba futhi bekude komunye nomunye, okubangela ukungezwani kanye nesizungu ebudlelwaneni. Lolu hlobo lokukhungatheka luholela kaningi kukho kokubili ukuqala kodweshu kanye nokusetshenziswa kwamaphethini okuxhumana angakhi kakhulu ngesikhathi sokungqubuzana, kuveza ucwaningo.
Indlela Yokuyeka Ukulwa Ebudlelwaneni - Amasu ayi-7 Asebenzayo
Sizophinda: Ukulwa ngezinga elithile kunempilo ebudlelwaneni. Kodwa uma isondela ebubini noma ekuhlukunyezweni, noma ibangela ukungajabuli okukhulu kuwe, umlingani wakho nomndeni wakho wonke, yisikhathi sokukuqeda. Lokho akusho ukuthi ngaso sonke isikhathi kufanele uhlehle, ngezinye izikhathi udinga nje ukuguqulwa kombono. Nawa amasu angu-7 asebenzayo.
1. Thatha ikhefu
- Uma impi ishuba kakhulu, kungcono kakhulu uma uphuma ekamelweni kuze kube yilapho isimo sithula kancane. Ngale ndlela, ngeke usho izinto ezilimazayo ozozisola ngazo kamuva
- Ngezinye izikhathi, umbhangqwana ungase udinge chitha isikhathi ngokwehlukana ukuthola umbono ocacile ngodaba oluphikisanayo kanye nobudlelwano babo. Vakashela umndeni osondelene nawo futhi uzizwe ukhululekile ngawo, kodwa gwema ukuxoxa ngemininingwane ejulile yobudlelwano bakho nomuntu wesithathu, ngaphandle uma kungumelaphi wakho.
- Ukuphuma endlini niyoshaywa umoya ndawonye ukuze kudingidwe udaba nakho kuwumqondo omuhle
2. Yamukela lapho wenza iphutha
- Uma umlingani wakho ekugxeka noma ekusola ngokuthile, kungokwemvelo ukuzivikela. Nokho, lokhu akuzuzisi. Kungcono ukucabanga ngomoya ophansi, ugwinye ukuqhosha, futhi wamukele lapho wenza iphutha
- Okungcono, xolisa. Lena indlela enhle yokumisa umjikelezo we ukulwa ebudlelwaneni. Ukuxolisa kufana nomculo ezindlebeni zomlingani othukuthele. Nokho, ukuxolisa kufanele kube okuqotho futhi kunesiqinisekiso. Ungaxolisi nje ukuze wehlise umoya lapho unomuzwa wokuthi umlingani wakho unephutha
- Kulula kakhulu ukusola umlingani wakho kunokuvuma ukuthi unephutha. Kodwa ubani owathi ubudlelwano bothando bulula?
3. Ungahlaseli umlingani wakho
- Khuluma ngodaba olubi kakhulu kunokuhlasela umlingani wakho. NgokukaDkt Gottman, esinye sezibikezelo zesehlukaniso yilapho umuntu ehlala ehlasela umlingani wakhe kunokuba ahlukanise indaba ethile emcasulayo.
- Khuluma ngemizwa yakho usebenzisa izitatimende ezithi 'I'. Kunokuba uthi: “Awunaso isikhathi sami” ungase uthi: “Ngizizwa nginesizungu lapho singenaso isikhathi esanele ndawonye”
- Ungalokothi wenze ihaba noma wenze izitatimende ezihlanganisa konke njengokuthi: “Ungumuntu odelelayo”
- Ukuhlasela umlingani wakho ngokunganaki ngokwanele kungenzeka uma nihlala emadolobheni ahlukene ngenxa yokunqanyulwa kokuxhumana enikuzwayo nobabili. Yeka ukulwa ebudlelwaneni bebanga elide ngokugwema lesi sihibe
4. Gcina impi iphucuzekile
- Akukho ukuthethisa, ukuthukana noma ulimi olubi - ukuziphatha okunjalo kungaba yingozi enkulu ebudlelwaneni
- Buka ithoni yakho futhi komzimba. Gwema ukubhuqa, izinkulumo ezinokhahlo kanye nezenzo ezimbi
- Udlame olungokomzimba luwu-cha-cha ngokuphelele
- Ungasabisi ngokuqeda ubudlelwano. Ungakusho ngokucasuka kodwa kuzohlala engqondweni yomlingani wakho futhi kubangele ukungavikeleki ezinsukwini ezizayo
5. Cabanga ngendlela eyakhayo
- Zikhumbuze ukuthi kungani umthanda umlingani wakho. UMaria noHarry babenalesi siko emshadweni wabo weminyaka engu-12 owawunqande ukulwa kwabo ukuba kuqhubeke. Kwakuthi uma bexabana, babambene ngezandla. Lokhu kuxhumana kothando kwabavimba ekwenzeni noma bekhuluma izinto ezibuhlungu kumlingani wabo. Kunzima ukuthi: “Uyisiphukuphuku” lapho nibambene ngezandla. Kunalokho, ungase uthi: “Angihambisani nalokho okushoyo”. Ukubambana ngezandla kufanekisa ukuthi nindawonye kulo mshikashika wokuthola inkinga futhi niyixazulule
- Yehlisa umoya ngamahlaya athile. Yenza ubuso obuhlekisayo ukuveza ukukhungatheka kwakho. Ukulwa njalo ebudlelwaneni kungathola ukuphumula ekuhlekeni nasekujabuleni
- Ezinye izitatimende zingapholisa umoya ngokushesha. Ngokwesibonelo, 'mhlawumbe uqinisile' noma 'Ngiyakuzwa okushoyo'
- Zama ukungafaki izitatimende zakho ngokuthi 'kodwa'. Ngokwesibonelo, ethi: “Ngiyazi ukuthi ubukhathele izolo, kodwa nami bengikhathele, futhi awuzange ungisize ngokususa itafula”
- Lalela ngozwela - zama ukubona izinto ngombono wophathina wakho. Lena indlela eyodwa yokuyeka ukulwa nsuku zonke ebudlelwaneni
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: 6 Okuhlangenwe nakho Kwabashadikazi Ngokuthi Ukwelapha Ngezingxoxo Kwabusiza Kanjani Ubuhlobo Babo
6. Hlala esikhathini samanje
- Sebenza njengamanje - ungavumeli ubuhlungu bobuntwana kanye namaphethini anqume ukuziphatha kwakho okwamanje. Futhi, ungambambeleli umlingani wakho amagqubu – thethelela amazwi nezenzo ezidlule ezikucasule
- Kodwa landelela izingxabano zakho futhi uhlonze izinkinga eziwumsuka. Khumbula ukunqoba ingxabano akubalulekile, ukuxazulula inkinga
7. Nciphisa amazinga akho okucindezeleka
- Zama ukunqanda amazinga akho okucindezeleka ngokuzivocavoca, i-yoga, ukuphefumula okujulile kanye/noma nokuzindla
- Lala ngokwanele ngoba ukuntula ubuthongo kungase kukulimaze ngokomzimba, ngokwengqondo nangokomzwelo
- Nethezeka ngomculo wakho owuthandayo noma uzivocavoce
- Funda ukujabula kuwena - ngokuzenzekelayo uzoba nezimpi ezimbalwa nomlingani wakho njengoba lokhu kuzokwenza wehlise okulindelekile.
Ungakuyeka Kanjani Ukulwela Izingane Zakho
Njengoba ukuxabana njalo kwabazali kungase kuhlukumeze izingane, sikhulume nodokotela wezengqondo wezingane nomsunguli-umqondisi we-Rhhyns Academy eMumbai, u-Riddhi Doshi Patel. Amazwi akhe amane okuyeka ukulwa ebudlelwaneni yilawa:
- Misa imithetho yomndeni esebenza kuwo wonke umuntu. Bandakanya izingane ekubekeni imithetho. Hlukanisa kahle imisebenzi yasekhaya
- Uma uphakathi kokulwa, thatha isinyathelo soku hanga umlingani wakho. Kungase kubonakale kungenakwenzeka uma uthukuthelele umlingani wakho. Kodwa akunjalo. Futhi, kuyasebenza. Ukwanga kwehlisa ulaka futhi kwenza bobabili abalingani bakhululeke
- Noma nini lapho nilwa ungadluliseli ngakusasa. Zama ukuxazulula inkinga ngaphambi kokulala
- Yonke impi iwukuhlangenwe nakho kokufunda. Uma ungena ezimpini ezincane izikhathi eziningi, khuluma ngakho ngaphambi kokuthatha umhlalaphansi usuku. Bobabili abalingani bangathatha ipeni nephepha babhale phansi imizwa yabo. Futhi, ukuthi babengasisingatha kanjani isimo kangcono
Uchwepheshe Thatha
Sikhulume noKashish Vyas, umeluleki kanye nodokotela we-EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Nazi iziphakamiso zakhe zokuthi umbhangqwana ungayeka kanjani ukulwa:
Yima kancane uzwe omunye nomunye. Lokhu kwenzelwa isiqiniseko sokuthi awugxumeli esiphethweni futhi uzenzele eyakho indaba. Kufanele umlalele ngokucophelela nangozwela umlingani wakho futhi uzame ukuqonda umbono wakhe. Uma uqhubeka njalo mayelana nokuthi kwenzekani kuwe, impi cishe ngeke ixazululwe
Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Nansi Indlela Ongathuthukisa Ngayo Ubudlelwano Bakho Ngokulalela Kangcono
Nikelane isikhathi nesikhathi. Uma umbhangqwana ushubile, kungaba umqondo omuhle ukuthi umlingani oyedwa ayishiye indawo yezingxabano isikhathi esithile. Kungase kungabi isikhathi esifanele sokuxoxa ngalolu daba. Ngakho-ke, ungazami ukulusukumela phezulu lolu daba. Uma omunye wenu engekho esimweni sokulalela omunye umuntu akusizi ukuzama ukuxazulula ukungqubuzana
Xazulula izinkinga zobudlelwane nabazali. Kunokuxhumana phakathi kobudlelwano obunabo nomzali/abazali bakho kanye nalokho onakho nomlingani wakho. Kungenzeka ukuthi udlala amaphethini amadala. Futhi, ulindele umlingani wakho ukuthi aqonde izindaba zakho. Eqinisweni, kufanele usebenze ezindabeni zakho futhi uziphilise
Hlonipha imingcele yomlingani wakho. Kwesinye isikhathi sivele sikhungatheke ebudlelwaneni size sikhohlwe ukuthi umaqondana unabo imingcele yobudlelwano. Umlingani ngamunye ungumuntu oyedwa. Awukwazi ukungabahloniphi. Omunye umlingani angase abe nomnikazi noma aphonse isisindo sakhe nxazonke kuyilapho omunye engase abe i-puover. Lena iphethini engenampilo
Ukumisa izingxabano nokuxazulula izingxabano kuyahambisana. Zombili ziyimigomo yesikhathi eside. Ngokuqaphela nangokuprakthiza umbhangqwana ungashintsha izingxabano ezishisayo ngengxoxo eyakhayo. Kufanele kukhulunywe lapha ukuthi ukuxabana kwabashadile akusho ukuthi abajabule ebudlelwaneni. Uma nilwa ngokungenzeleli futhi ningalimazani ngokungafanele, ukulwa kungaxazulula izinkinga ezijulile futhi kwenze ubuhlobo bube buhle.
Kodwa-ke, konke okushiwo futhi okwenziwe, umbhangqwana kufanele uyeke ukulwa ngaso sonke isikhathi ebuhlotsheni. Noma kungenjalo, bazojabulelana kanjani kanye nobudlelwano? Futhi akukhona yini lokho esikubheke ngabomvu kakhulu uma sisothandweni? Ukuze sibe nokuthula nathi, kanye nomunye nomunye.
Amathiphu Anengqondo Wokuxazulula Ukungqubuzana Ebudlelwaneni
Ukwenza Ukuthula Nesikhathi Sakho Esidlule - Amathiphu Ahlakaniphile ayi-13
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
