Ungawusindisa Kanjani Umshado Uma Kunye Kuphela Ezama—9 Amathiphu Asekelwe Ochwepheshe

Imishado ivame ukuba yindlela yokukhuphuka nokwehla, ukwehla nokwenyuka, izikhathi zokujabula kanye neziqephu ezimbi. Lapho bobabili abashadile beqondisa lo mkhumbi ngendlela evumelanayo futhi ngokuzwana, iziphepho zezulu kanye nokuwela emanzini anezinkathazo kuba nzima kakhulu. Eqinisweni, uma ufuna ukwazi imfihlo yomshado ophumelelayo, yilena: abantu ababili abenqaba ukwehlukana. Kodwa kwenzekani lapho omunye umlingani evele elahle ithemba futhi usale ubhekene nenkinga enzima yokuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado kuyilapho oyedwa kuphela ozama.

Manje, njengoba besho, umshado awukaze ube ngu-50-50. Okungukuthi, akukho sikhathi esingakanani, lapho bobabili abalingani bafaka isandla ngokulinganayo ekwenzeni ubudlelwano busebenze. Ngezinye izinsuku uthola u-80% wokuxega ngoba umlingani wakho angaletha kuphela u-20%. Futhi kwabanye, i-equation ihlehlisiwe. Kodwa-ke, uma umlingani wakho egeza ngokuphelele isandla sakhe emthwalweni wokugcina ubuhlobo buqinile kodwa ungakakulungeli ukuyeka, ungase uzithole usuwusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka.

Akushiwo-ke ukuthi lokho kungaba indawo enesithukuthezi, engenathemba. Phela akulula ukwamukela izimpawu umyeni wakho azihlolile ephuma emshadweni noma izimpawu umkakho afuna ukukushiya, nalokho lapho ungakaphonsi ithawula. Nakuba kungase kubonakale kunzima futhi kudumaza, ungathola ukuthi ungawulungisa kanjani umshado uwedwa. Silapha ukuze sikutshele ukuthi kanjani, ngemininingwane evela kudokotela wezengqondo Gopha Khan (I-Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), osebenza ngomshado nokwelulekwa komndeni.

Izimpawu Umshado Usenkingeni Futhi Munye Kuphela Umaqondana Ozama Ukuwusindisa

Kuthatha ababili ku-tango; a umshado ojabulisayo isekelwe ekuzimiseleni okuphelele kwabo bobabili abashadile ukukwenza kuphumelele. Lapho umuntu ehlehla noma eyeka ngokuphelele, izimpawu zomshado usenkingeni ziqala ukuvela. I-dynamics iba yi-lop-side nakakhulu uma omunye umlingani esafuna umshado usebenze kuyilapho lowo oyekile elokhu ehlala njalo, kodwa kuphela njengomhlanganyeli ongenzi lutho. Uma lokhu kuzwakala kuhlobene futhi uzizwa sengathi ubuthatha isabelo sengonyama somthwalo wemfanelo wokugcina ubuhlobo bakho buqinile, naka lezi zinkomba zokuthi ukuleyo ndawo enzima lapho kufanele uthole ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka, njengoba kuboniswe ngu. Gopa:

• Ukuntuleka kokuxhumana: Ukuxhumana okungekuhle ingenye yezimpawu zokuqala ukuthi umshado usenkingeni ngenxa yokuthi omunye wabalingani uselahle ithemba ngakho. Uma lokhu kwenzeka, omunye uzakwethu uhlala eqala izingxoxo ukuze axazulule izinkinga kuyilapho omunye engenasithakazelo noma echitha.
• Awukho umzamo wokushintsha: Uma usebenza ngenkuthalo ekuthuthukiseni ukuziphatha noma ukubhekana nezinkinga, ubuza, “Ngingazishintsha kanjani ukuze ngisindise umshado wami”, kodwa owakwakho enqaba ukwenza noma yiziphi izinguquko, kuwuphawu olubonisa ukuthi akanandaba nokusindisa isibopho sakho.
• Ukungahlangani ngokomzwelo: Uzwa sengathi umlingani wakho usekude ngokomzwelo—cishe kube sengathi awukwazi ukumfinyelela ngisho noma eseduze kwakho. Lokhu kukhombisa ukuthi banentshisekelo encane ekwakheni kabusha ukuxhumana
• Ukugwema ukuxazululwa kwezingxabano: Ungaqiniseka ukuthi uwena wedwa ozama ukuhlenga umshado uma umlingani wakho egwema ukulungisa izingxabano, akushiye uzixazulule ngokwakho noma ebonakala kungenandaba nokuthi izingxabano zixazululwa nhlobo.
• Akukho ukuhlanganyela ekwelulekweni: Uma ubuzama ukuguqula umqondo wokufuna usizo noma ukuya ekwelashweni kwabashadile ukuze uxazulule izinkinga zakho kodwa owakwakho noma enqaba ukungena emkhunjini noma enqaba ukubamba iqhaza noma ukuzibandakanya ngendlela enenjongo enqubweni, kungasho into eyodwa kuphela—abasatshalwa imali ekusindiseni umshado.
• Ukungabi nandaba nesikhathi sekhwalithi: Isidingo esinciphayo sesikhathi sekhwalithi nozakwethu singesinye sezinkomba ezinkulu umuntu azihlolile ebudlelwaneni. Uma umlingani wakho engabonisi intshisekelo ekuhlanganiseni noma ekwenzeni izinhlelo, ulungile ngokuzibuza ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado uma kuzama oyedwa kuphela.
• Ukuntula ukusondelana: Ngokufanayo, isidingo esinciphayo sokusondelana ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo kanye nokwenqaba ukunxenxwa umngane womshado kuphakathi kwezimpawu zokuthi umshado usenkingeni.
• Ukuchitha ukukhathazeka: Uma oshade naye ehlala echitha noma echitha okukukhathazayo noma imizwa yakho ngezinkinga zakho zomshado, kusobala ukuthi azimkhathazi ngokwanele. Lokhu kwenzeka lapho umuntu eyeka ukukhathalela ikusasa lobudlelwano
• Ayikho intshisekelo ezinhlelweni zesikhathi esizayo: Olunye lwezimpawu ezicacile umyeni wakho azihlolile ephuma emshadweni noma izimpawu umkakho afuna ukukushiya ukuthi bayayeka ukuhlelela ikusasa noma ukukhuluma ngemigomo ehlanganyelwe, kodwa kunalokho babonakala bengenandaba noma bengenasithakazelo.
• Ukushintsha icala: Nakuba ungase wamukele umthwalo wemfanelo ngengxenye yakho emzabalazweni wakho womshado, futhi uze uzibuze, "Ngingazishintsha kanjani ukuze ngisindise umshado wami", umlingani wakho ubeka icala futhi enqaba ukuvuma indima yakhe.
• Ukuntula ukwazisa: Olunye uphawu olukhombisayo ukuthi umshado usenkingeni ngoba omunye umlingani useyekile ukuthi awukhumbuli ukuthi bagcina nini ukukhombisa uthando nokukhathalela noma ukubonga.
• Ukuphila izimpilo ezihlukene: Uma uku umshado ohlala naye lapho wena nomngane wakho womshado niphila izimpilo ezihlukene futhi bebeka kuqala impilo yabo ngaphandle komshado ngaphezu kokusebenza ekuxhumaneni kwabo nawe, ungase usale ubhekene nobunzima bokuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado kuyilapho oyedwa kuphela ozamayo.

Kungani Umlingani Wakho Engazami Ukusindisa Umshado?

Uma ubona izimpawu umyeni wakho azihlolile ephuma emshadweni noma ubonisa ukuthi umkakho ufuna ukukushiya kodwa efuna ukuhlenga ubuhlobo bakho, kufanele wenze umzamo wokuqonda ukuthi yini ebangele lolu shintsho. Yini eshintshile ukuthi umlingani wakho owake wamthanda akasenandaba nokuthi umshado wakho uyini? Kungani beyeke ukutshala imali ekukhuliseni ubudlelwano abanabo nawe? Kungani umshado wakho unesiphithiphithi kangangokuthi ulokhu uzibuza ukuthi, “Ngingenza kanjani umyeni wami angifune” noma “Ngingamenza kanjani umkami angithande futhi”? Kungaba nezizathu eziningana zokuthi kungani umlingani wakho engenzi mzamo wokusindisa umshado. Nazi ezimbalwa:

• Kunjalo othandweni nomunye umuntu
• Izinkinga zomshado ezingakaxazululwa ziye zaba nomthelela endleleni abazizwa ngayo ngawe
• Ubudlelwano obunobuthi bubenze balahlekelwa ithemba lokulungisa isibopho sabo nawe
• Bangase bafune indawo yabo nenkululeko
• Bafuna ukuhlenga umshado kodwa abazi ukuthi bazowenza kanjani
• Bangase babe nezikhathi ezinzima noma izinkinga zezimali
• Abasafuni ukuyekethisa
• Izinto eziza kuqala kubo, amaphupho, nezifiso zabo sekushintshile

Nakuba kucasula, ngicela uqonde ukuthi akusona isiphetho somgwaqo. Usengakwazi ukuguqula izinto. Udinga ukuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado lapho oyedwa kuphela ozama futhi ugibele umlingani wakho. Ake sithole ukuthi kanjani.

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9 Amathiphu Asekelwe Ochwepheshe Okuthi Ungawusindisa Kanjani Umshado Uma Kunye Kuphela Ezamayo

Awukho umshado owumbhede wama roses ngaso sonke isikhathi. Uma ugibela impilo yakho yonke nomunye umuntu, kuzoba namaqhubu endleleni. Amanye anamandla ngokwanele ukukulahla ngokuphelele. Iqiniso elidabukisayo lokuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado lapho oyedwa kuphela ozamayo nakanjani yisimo esinjalo.

Ukulungisa umshado ophukile ukwenza ngesandla esisodwa kuwumsebenzi we-Herculean, kodwa akunakwenzeka. Ngokukhuthazela nokucabanga okungokoqobo, okunethemba, ungakwazi ukuguqula izinto futhi uthole indlela yokuxhuma kabusha, ngisho noma oyedwa kuphela ozamayo. Ukukusiza ukuthi uqalise lolu hambo oluyinselele, sikhethe amathiphu angu-9 asekelwe ochwepheshe okuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka:

1. Indlela engcono kakhulu yokusindisa umshado ukukhetha ukwelulekwa

Ngikopele kodwa ngifuna ukuhlenga ubudlelwano bami yize umlingani wami engafuni lutho nami. Umkami unonya kimi futhi ulungile kubo bonke abanye, ngingabusindisa kanjani ubuhlobo bami naye? Ngifuna ukwazi ukuthi ngingenza kanjani umyeni wami angifune. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi sinjani isimo sakho, ukufuna ukwelulekwa kungakusiza uxazulule izinkinga zakho futhi uthole indlela yokusindisa umshado wakho.

“Kunoma ngubani ozama ukuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho uma umuntu efuna ukuphuma, ngithi ukwelulekwa kwabashadile kuyimpoqo,” kusho uGopa. “Ukwelulekwa kungasiza ozakwethu ukuthi bazisebenzele bona bodwa, baxazulule izinkinga ababhekene nazo, baxoxe bodwa ngendlela yomthetho.

Ukuthola ukwelulekwa kungaba yinto ekhohlisayo uma umlingani wakho enqaba ngokuphelele ukuba yingxenye yakho. Ezimweni ezinjalo, zama ukubenza baqonde ukuthi umbono ongathathi hlangothi womeluleki uzozuzisa nina nobabili. Le ndlela ingase isebenze ngoba umlingani wakho angabona ukuthi uzimisele ukuziphendulela ngezenzo zakho futhi kungase kube lula ukuvuma izinto ezithile kukhona umuntu ongathathi hlangothi, ongachemi. Uma uzama ukuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka, yazi ukuthi iphaneli yabeluleki abanamakhono eBonobology chofoza kude.

2. Cela umlingani wakho isikhathi esengeziwe

URaya, umgcini-mabhuku oneminyaka engu-35 ubudala, okwazile ukushintsha izinto emshadweni wakhe owawuwohloka, uthi, “Kunesikhathi lapho ngangivame ukucabanga ukuthi ngidinga isimangaliso ukuze ngisindise umshado wami. waqonda izinto.

“Ngaqala ukuya kuye kaningi ngangokunokwenzeka. Ngemva kwamasonto okuqala, naye waqala ukusabela. Ngosizo lokukhulumisana okwakhayo, ngakwazi ukumenza abone indlela engangizisola ngayo futhi ngizisola ngayo. Sanquma ukunikeza umshado wethu elinye ithuba. Manje, nsuku zonke, sizama ukuthuthukisa kancane kancane.”

Noma ngabe izinto seziwohlokile kangangokuthi umlingani wakho usethathe isinqumo qeda umshado, akuwona wonke amathemba alahlekile. Okokuqala okufanele ukwenze ukucela umlingani wakho isikhathi esengeziwe ngaphambi kokuba balahle umshado. Wonke umuntu ufanelwe ithuba lesibili, futhi ukukholisa umlingani wakho ukuthi azame ukuhlala isikhathi eside ebhodini kungase kuvele izithelo. Ngokusekelwe ekutheni unesikhathi esingakanani, kuzodingeka uqhamuke nesu elisebenzayo neliphumelelayo lokusindisa umshado wakho.

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3. Shintsha umbono wakho

Ecaphuna uMaya Angelou, “Uma into ongayithandi ishintshe, uma ungakwazi ukuyishintsha, shintsha isimo sakho sengqondo”. Isihluthulelo sendlela yokusindisa umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka sitholakala ekwamukeleni ushintsho. Kuzodingeka uthole izinto okudingeka uzishintshe ngaphambi kokuqala uhambo lwakho oluya emvuselelweni yomshado wakho. Izinkinga zingaba yinoma yini, kusukela endleleni ubuntu bakho obuyiyo noma isimo sakho sengqondo ngempilo. Gxila ezintweni owakwakho anenkinga ngazo bese uzama ukuzilungisa. Take stock of your own negative or izici ezinobuthi futhi wenze umzamo wokuzishintsha.

"Enye yezinto engizitshela amakhasimende ami ukuthi kufanele agxile futhi azisebenzele wona kuqala. Ukuze ukwazi ukusindisa umshado osondela ngokushesha emanzini, udinga ukwazi ukubeka ubuso bakho obuhle kakhulu. Kudingeka ubonakale ungumuntu ozothile futhi oqinisekayo kumlingani wakho. Ngaphandle kokuthi uzisebenzele wena, umlingani ngeke afune ukubuya ngoba usevele wenza umqondo wakhe wokushiya ngemuva kwezinkinga ezindala," kusho u-Gooping.

Uma umlingani wakho ebona ushintsho kuwe, uzobe uphumelele ukubenza babone ukuthi uzama ngakho konke okusemandleni akho ukusindisa umshado wakho, ngaphandle kokusho. Esikhundleni sokucabanga nje, "Ngidinga isimangaliso ukuze ngisindise umshado wami", zama ukuthatha isinyathelo ngokubuyela endleleni yokuphila kanye nezibopho zakho.

4. Ungasebenzisi amaqhinga okucindezela

Ukuzama ukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo umlingani wakho ngokusebenzisa umndeni, imali, ucansi, icala, noma izingane zakho akulungile. Ukusebenzisa noma yimaphi ala maqhinga okucindezela kungabuyisela emuva, kuvale yonke iminyango engaholela owakwakho abuyele kuwe. UGopa uthi: “Lapho uzama ukucindezela owakwakho ukuba ahlale nawe, kulapho bengase bamelane khona nakakhulu nalo mbono.” Lokhu kuyomane kubangele izingxabano namagqubu, okuyoqinisa inkolelo yabo yokuthi babeqinisile lapho benquma ukuwushiya umshado. Awukwazi ukuphoqa umuntu ukuthi ahlale nawe; ngisho noma ukwazi ukwenza kanjalo, kuyoba a ubudlelwano obufile.

5. Ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho uthando lungasekho: Ungalilahli ithemba

Ukulwela ukusindisa umshado wakho uwedwa kungakushiya ukhathele futhi ukhungathekile, kodwa yileso sikhathi okuzodingeka ukuthi uzikhuthaze. Zikhumbuze ngazo zonke izinto ezenze wathandana nesithandwa sakho. Kuzosusa ukugxila ebuhlungwini abakwenze kuwe. “Uma uzama sindisa umshado ekudivoseni, kubalulekile ukuba nesimo sengqondo “sokungayeki,” futhi uzame ukwenza noma yini okudingeka yenziwe. Ngisho noma isimo sibi kakhulu, uma izinto zingenzeki, okungenani uzokwazi ukuthi wenze okusemandleni akho,” kusho uGopa.

Lungisa uhlelo lwakho lokusekela, kungaba umngane wakho omkhulu, abazali bakho, noma isihlobo. Thulula inhliziyo yakho kubo noma nini uma udinga futhi ubatshele ukuthi bakusize ubuyele endleleni yakho noma nini lapho ungagxilile. Ngale ndlela, ungaqhubekela phambili ekufinyeleleni umgomo wakho ngaphandle kokuthwala noma yimuphi umthwalo ongokomzwelo.

6. Gxila ezindabeni zangempela

Yonke imishado ibhekana nezikhathi ezimnandi nezinhle, kodwa uma sekufike lapho umuntu esekulungele ukuhamba unomphela, inkinga ingase ibonakale ingenakuxazululeka. Mhlawumbe usesimweni lapho ongacabanga ngakho nje ukuthi, “Ngikopele kodwa ngifuna ukusindisa ubuhlobo bami.” Noma mhlawumbe, uchitha sonke isikhathi sakho uzama ukuthola, "indlela yokwenza umyeni wami angifune" noma "ungenza kanjani umkami angithande futhi". Noma ngabe yiziphi izizathu zokungezwani kwenu, noma ngabe ukungahambisani, ukungathembeki, noma udaba lwezezimali noma lwezenhlalo, kufanele nilulungise ngqo.

Okokuqala, kufanele uqonde indaba bese wenza oshade naye aqonde ukuthi inkinga eyodwa ayifanele ukuqeda umshado wakho. Esikhundleni sokugxila ukugxekana ebudlelwaneni, baqhamuke nezixazululo zokuxazulula ukungqubuzana. “Lapho nicabanga ukuthi ningawusindisa kanjani umshado wenu lapho omunye efuna ukuphuma, isidingo sokudlula umzuliswano wazo zonke izingxoxo eziholela ekuxabaneni.” Qaphela ukuthi lokhu yikho okuholele ekutheni izinkinga zomshado wakho zithuthuke ngaleli zinga.Kulapho kuphela leli phethini seliphelile ungaqala ukubhekana nezinkinga zakho futhi uzilungise,” kusho uGopa.  

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7. Nikeza futhi ucele indawo

"Yebo, udinga ukuxoxa uma omunye ezihlolele ngaphandle komshado, kodwa qiniseka ukuthi akukho ukucupha. Ngike ngaba namakhasimende alandelela ngokweqiniso isinyathelo ngasinye sophathina bawo ngokusebenzisa izinkundla zokuxhumana namanye amathuluzi. Ekugcineni, imilayezo engama-60 nezingcingo abazenza usuku zibe nzima komunye umlingani. Lokhu kungabaphushela kude. Esikhundleni salokho, uzinike isikhathi sokuzihlola futhi uzixazulule. phambili,” kweluleka uGopa.

Kwesinye isikhathi okudingayo nje ikhefu ukuze uthole umbono omncane walokho okwenzekayo. Uma ugajwe yizinqumo ezishintsha impilo, ungase uphuthelwe izici ezithile ezibalulekile ezingashintsha yonke into ngokuphelele. Isikhala ebudlelwaneni kubalulekile. Nikeza owakwakho leso sikhathi nesikhathi sokucabanga ngezinqumo zabo. Kubaluleke kakhulu uma uzama ukuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado lapho kuzama oyedwa kuphela.

8. Zama ukusebenzela ukuxhumana

Ngokuvamile kunalokho, lapho uzithola usesimweni lapho udonsa kanzima ukuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka, inkinga eyinhloko ukuthi wena nomngane wakho womshado anikakwazi ubuciko bokuphila okunempilo, okungaxabani okwamanje. ukuxhumana okuvulekile, ngenxa yalokho izinkinga ziqala ukunqwabelana. Khona-ke, ngisho nesibhamu esincane kakhulu singaba utshani obuphule umhlane wekamela.

“Ngihlale ngikhuthaza amakhasimende ami ukuthi akhulume nabashade nabo ngokuthula, kodwa uma ngithi “khuluma” angiqondile ukulwa, nganginekhasimende elalifona litshele umyeni walo konke akwenzile okungalungile futhi lihlale liqala ukulwa, egameni “lokuxhumana.” Ekugcineni, lagcina limxoshe emshadweni,” kusho uGopa.

Ekhuluma ngezikhathi ezineziyaluyalu emshadweni wakhe, uJessica wasitshela, “Ngachitha izinyanga eziningi ngizama ukuthola indlela yokwenza umyeni wami angifune futhi futhi okwangimangaza, kwakuyindaba nje yokudlula imingcele yami futhi ngibe sengozini yokuba naye futhi.” Lapho esethathe isinqumo sokwethembeka kumngane wakhe womshado, wavula ithuba elanele lokuzama ukulungisa umshado wabo. Yingakho nje ukuxhumana kubaluleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni noma emshadweni.

9. Lungela ukwamukela iqiniso

Okokugcina, ngemva kwayo yonke imizamo yakho, uma owakwakho engakazimisele ukuba semshadweni, sekuyisikhathi sokuthi uguqule ukugxila kwakho ebuhlungwini obuzobangelwa ukuhlukana kwakho uye enkambweni elandelayo yesenzo. Yiba neqiniso kuwena futhi wamukele lokho ukuphila okukulethela indlela yakho. “Thembela ezindleleni zakho zokubhekana nesimo, kungaba iholidi, ukuchitha isikhathi nabantu obathandayo, noma ukwenza izinto ozilibazisayo kanye nezinto othanda ukuzenza.Ziqambe kabusha, futhi kukho konke okwaziyo, owakwakho angase abuyele kulokhu okusha okuthuthukile,” kusho uGopa.

Okungafanele Ukwenze Uma Kuwena Kuphela Ozama Ukusindisa Umshado Wakho

Lapho ubhekene nobunzima obungenakunqotshwa bokuthola ukuthi ungawusindisa kanjani umshado wakho lapho kubonakala kungenakwenzeka, abantu ngokuvamile bagcina benza izinto noma behileleka ekuziphatheni okufanele bakugweme. Izenzo ezinjalo zilimaza kakhulu kunokuhle futhi zonakalise amathuba akho okusindisa umshado. Nazi izinto ezimbalwa okungafanele uzenze uma kunguwe wedwa ozama ukuthola ukuthi ungawulungisa kanjani umshado:

• Yeka ukudlala umdlalo wokusola. Kuzokwenza umonakalo omkhulu kunokuhle
• Ungacabangi izinto. Buza umlingani wakho isisusa sakhe noma inhloso yakhe ngemuva kokusho noma ukwenza abakushilo noma abakwenzile
• Fight fair. Ungabi njalo ukungahloniphi umlingani wakho phakathi nezingxabano
• Ungambambeleli isithandwa sakho amagqubu noma amagqubu
• Gwema ukuveza imizwa engemihle yezimpi zangesikhathi esidlule
• Ungazibambi noma uzilawule. Banike indawo nenkululeko yabo

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