Ngā Tohu o te Hononga Wera me te Matao

Porohia te aroha

He mea whakarihariha te noho i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki, e ono ngā ara ki te Rātapu. Me pēhea ahau e mōhio ai ki tēnā? Kua tae kē ahau ki reira. E whitu tau pai o tōku ao i maumauria e au i te tatari ki tētahi tāne i aroha nui ahau ki a ia kia noho pūmau, kia hiahia ki tētahi whanaungatanga, kia hanga i tētahi mea pumau, whai tikanga hoki māua, ā, ka mōhio ahau kāore rawa e tupu. He uaua te kore o ō kare ā-roto e whakautua, engari ko te whanonga werawera ka nui ake te kino o taua mamae.

Whakaarohia mēnā i kōrero tika mai tēnei tangata ki ahau, me te kī mai, "Kāore ōku kare ā-roto pērā ki a koe." me te kī rānei, "Kāore au e rapu ana i tētahi mea nui." Ae, kua pakaru tōku ngākau. I pōuri au. Engari kua horoia e au te puehu, ā, kua neke atu i mua atu i taku haerenga. Engari, i haere tonu ia ki roto, ki waho hoki i tōku ao, i te taha tinana me te taha kare ā-roto. I tangohia ahau e ia, ā, i rewa tōku ngākau ki ngā kōrero kare ā-roto kaha me ngā nekehanga aroha, ā, ka tawhiti atu ahau, ka kore e taea te whakapā atu ina whakahoki mai ahau, ina tangohia rānei hei tohu ka ahu whakamua te "whanaungatanga" i te huarahi tika.

Āe, te hurihuri kare ā-roto e pā ana ki a koe i tēnei kēmu wera me te makariri. Kī tonu koe i te tumanako, kātahi ka pouri me te ngakaukore. Kei te riri koe, kei te mamae. Kei te pōuri koe, kei te ngenge hoki te kare ā-roto. I te wā tonu ka mea koe ki a koe anō, "Kāti," ka tīmata anō te huringa. Ki te mea he mōhio koe ki tēnā, ka akiaki atu ahau ki a koe kia aro ki ngā tohu o tētahi whanaungatanga wera me te makariri ka whakarārangihia e au, kia ako ai koe me pēhea te wetewete i a koe i tēnei raruraru kare ā-roto hurihuri.

He aha te whanaungatanga wera me te whanaungatanga makariri?

Ripanga o Ihirangi

E ai ki tāu i mōhio ai i nāianei, ko te whanaungatanga wera, makariri hoki, he wā e taupatupatu ana te aroha me te wehe atu i te hoa, ka puta he kare ā-roto hurihuri mō tētahi atu. Ka taea e tēnei rerekētanga te whakapoauau me te ngenge i te kare ā-roto, i te mea i tētahi wā, ka mahana, ka aroha, ka tino whai wāhi te hoa, ā, i tētahi wā, ka tawhiti, ka kore e aro, ka kore rānei e aro.

Hei tauira, ka taea e te hoa te tuku i te aro nui ki tā rātou hoa aroha me ngā mahi aroha nui mō ngā rā, wiki rānei, kātahi ka mutu te whakautu ki ngā karere kuputuhi, ka whakaatu rānei i te kore aro me te kore whakamārama. E whakamārama ana te tohunga whanaungatanga rongonui a Tākuta John Gottman, "Ka puta te koretake o te whanaungatanga nā te koretake o te kare ā-roto, ka uaua ai mō ngā hoa te hanga whakawhirinaki me te noho haumaru i te kare ā-roto."

Nā tēnei huringa pana-me-tōia, ka waiho te hoa e pāngia ana kia manukanuka, kia kore e māia, kia hiahia nui hoki ki te whakamana. E whakamārama ana te tohunga hinengaro a Tākuta Lisa Firestone, "Ko te whakakaha ā-wā - ina tukuna te aroha i roto i te wā kāore i te matapaetia - ka taea te hanga i tētahi herenga whakawara, ka uaua ake te wehe atu i te whanaungatanga ahakoa ōna pānga kino."

Ka kitea tētahi tauira matarohia o te whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki i roto i ngā tāne me ngā wāhine e wehe ana, e hou ana te rongo, me te kore e aro ki ngā take matua e ārahi ana i tō rātou koretake. Ahakoa he mea kāore i te whakaarohia te whanonga werawera, makariri hoki, ā, he maha ngā wā ka puta mai i ngā pakanga a te tangata ake, kāore e ngāwari ake te manawanui. I ia wā ka tukua koe kia pāngia e te uaua o te tata me te tawhiti, ka pakaru tō whakaaro ki a koe anō, ā, ka pā kino ki tō oranga ngākau.

Pānui e pā ana: 11 Ngā Tohu kei roto koe i tētahi Hononga Uaua

Te hinengaro whanonga wera me te makariri

Ka māmā ake te whakatau i ngā whanonga werawera, makariri hoki a te hoa aroha, te hoa rānei e hiahia ana koe ki te aroha ina mārama koe ki tōna pūtake, ā, ka mōhio koe ki ngā pānga katoa ki a koe. Me titiro matatau tātou ki te hinengaro whanonga werawera, makariri hoki, kia mārama ai koe he aha te koretake o te whanonga a te tangata e arohaina ana e koe ki a koe, me te pānga ki tō hinengaro:

Te whakakaha mokowhiti: Ka roa pea te kēmu wera me te makariri mō ngā tau, i ētahi wā mō te oranga katoa, nā te mea ko te kore e taea te matapae i te aroha ka hanga he huringa whakawara, ka hiahia te hoa whiwhi ki te whakamana.
Ngā kāhua āpitihanga: He maha ngā wā e hono ana te whanonga wera me te makariri ki te karo, te karo rānei kāhua āpitihanga māharahara—te wāhi e mawehe atu ai ngā hunga karo, i te wā e whaia ana e ngā hoa manukanuka
Mana whakahaere me te mana: Mā te pana-tōia ka hoatu he mana whakahaere ki te hoa wera-mātao, ka noho pūmau te kare ā-roto o tetahi atu. Ka hua ake tēnei i te kore taurite o ngā mana whakahaere i roto i te whanaungatanga—kei raro koe i tō rāua aroha, ā, kei te whakahaere tonu rātou i te kōrero.
Te korenga o ngā kare ā-roto: Ko te tangata wera, makariri hoki, kāore pea e taea te whakapā atu ki ngā kare ā-roto nā te mea e wehi ana ia i te whanaungatanga piripono. I taua wā anō, e wehi ana ia kei ngaro tana hoa. Mā tēnei ka noho tonu rātou i waenga i te hiahia kia tata, me te hiahia kia tawhiti.
Te whakahaere wera me te makariri: Ahakoa he mea āta whakaarohia, he mea kore rānei i āta whakaarohia, ka taea e ngā piki me ngā heke o te aroha o tō hoa ki a koe te whakaiti i tō whakaaro ki a koe anō me tō whakaaro mōu ake, ka pātai ai koe mō tō uara.
Te mamae o mua: Ko ngā patunga kare ā-roto kāore anō kia ea pērā i te kore aro o te tamarikitanga, me ngā mamae o mua, koinei ngā mea e puta ai ngā whanonga taupatupatu i roto i ngā whanaungatanga.
Ngā take herekore: Ka whakamahia e ētahi tāngata ngā rautaki wera-mātao hei karo i te hononga kare ā-roto hohonu, me te pupuri tonu i te hononga o te hoa.

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13 Ngā Tohu kei te Pa atu koe ki te Whanoke me te Matao o tō Hononga

Mena he rerekē ngā whanonga a tō hoa ki a koe, tera pea ka mōhio koe kei te hē tetahi mea ahakoa kāore koe e mōhio he aha te whanaungatanga wera me te makariri. Engari e rite ana rānei tā rāua whanonga ki te wera me te makariri, he take noa iho rānei o te kore e ōrite ngā tumanakohanga, te kore rānei e kotahi te whakaaro mō te whanaungatanga? Me titiro tātou ki ngā tohu tino rongonui e 13 o te whanonga wera me te makariri hei āwhina i a koe ki te kimi mena koinei tāu e pāngia ana:

1. Ka aro nui atu rātou ki a koe—kātahi ka neke atu i a koe i te wā kotahi

Mō ngā tauira whanonga wera me te makariri, he tauira rongonui tēnei. I tētahi rā, ka tukuna tonutia atu e tō hoa he karere kuputuhi ki a koe, ka mahi i ngā tohu aroha nui, ā, ka meinga koe kia rite ki te pokapū o tōna ao. I te rā e whai ake nei, kāore rātou e tino mōhio ki tō noho. Ko tēnei huringa o te aroha nui, ā, ka whai muri i te wehenga ohorere, ka noho pōuri koe, ka pātai tonu he aha tāu i hē ai. Anei te āhua o te mahi:

Kei te whakamahere tō hoa i tētahi hararei mutunga wiki katoa, ā, ka meinga koe kia motuhake, kātahi ka ngaro atu i te wiki i muri mai, kāore he whakamārama.
Ka waipuketia koe e rātou ki ngā karere pai o te ata me ngā karere reka, kātahi ka noho puku mō ngā rā
Ka tīmatahia e rāua ngā kōrero hōhonu, ka kōrero tahi mō te heke mai, engari ina whakautu tahi kōrua, ka wehe kē rāua i te wāhi kotahi.

I te whakamārama i te take he kino te mahi wera me te makariri, ka whakamārama te tohunga whanaungatanga a Tākuta Gary Brown, "Ina tukuna te aroha i runga i te koretake, ka puta he kaha pana-tō kare ā -roto e waiho ana tetahi hoa kia manukanuka, ko tetahi hei rangatira."

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2. Ko tō rātou wairua te mea e whakatau ana i te whanaungatanga

He aha ia i werawera ai, i makariri ai ki ahau? He aha tana whanonga kāore e taea te matapae? Ko te tautohetohe ki ēnei pātai mō tō hoa, he tohu tonu kei roto koe i tētahi whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki. Ko te take matua ko te taumata o tō rāua aroha i roto i te whanaungatanga e whakawhirinaki ana ki ō rāua kare ā-roto. Ina pai tō rāua wairua, he aroha, he aro nui rāua, engari ina taumaha, ina raruraru rānei rāua, ka kore rawa rāua e aro ki a koe. Hei tauira,

Mehemea i pai tō rātou rā i te mahi, he aroha rātou; engari mēnā i kino tō rātou rā, he makariri, he tawhiti hoki rātou.
He harikoa rātou ki te whakarite mahere, engari ki te mea ka riri rātou, ka noho puku rātou.
Ka huri haere rātou i waenga i te whai wāhi ki ngā kōrero me te whakautu kupu kotahi me te kore whakamārama

3. Ka hikoi koe i runga i ngā anga hua manu i tō rātou taha

Ka waiho koe e te hoa werawera, mātao hoki e takahi i runga i te anga hua manu i a rātou e noho tahi ana, nā te mea kei te mataku tonu koe i te koretake o ā rātou whanonga. Ka hangaia he here manukanuka, ka nui rawa te tātari i ngā mea katoa e kōrerohia ana e koe, e mahia ana e koe, me te mataku kei panaia rātou e tetahi hapa.

E kōrero ana a Emily, 28 tau te pakeke, i tana wheako: "Kāore au i mōhio ko tēhea momo hoa tāne ka riro i ahau. I ētahi rā, he atawhai, he aro nui ia. I ētahi atu rā, he tino noho puku ia, kāore ia i te aro ki tōku noho. Ki te ngana ahau ki te whakapā atu, ka hoki whakamuri atu ia ki roto i tōna angaanga, ka ārai katoa i ahau—tae noa ki te aukati i taku nama waea."

"Nā te mea kāore au i mōhio he aha te take o ēnei huringa o tana whanonga (ka whakahē tonu ia i ngā pātai katoa me te mea he "whakaaro nui" noa iho ahau, he tauhohe nui rānei"), i ngana tonu ahau ki te karo i te kōrero, i te mahi rānei i te mea hē. He tino hoha, i rite ahau ki te mea kei te pupuhi tonu ahau i te hau. I te wehenga atu i a māua, i rongo ahau i te whakamarie, ehara i te mamae, i te mamae rānei o te ngākau."

4. Ka ngaro atu rātou, ka puta anō me te kore whakamārama

He tauira tēnei mō te tāne i noho tahi māua. Ko te mea i kino rawa atu, ko te piki me te heke o tōna aroaro i roto i tōku ao e aro tonu ana ki a māua kia piripono, kia moepuku, kia kare ā-roto hoki. Ka pai te haere o ngā mea, kātahi ka hui tahi māua. Ka pai te moepuku, ā, ka kōrero mō ngā hāora. I a māua e poroporoaki ana, kāore au i te mōhio āhea ahau ka rongo atu i a ia - he torutoru hāora pea, he wiki pea. Ko te wā roa rawa atu i huna ai ia i ahau e whā marama.

Āe, e whā! E whā marama te kore mōhio kei hea tō hoa rangatira, he aha rānei rātou kāore e kōrero ana ki a koe. Ko te mea kino rawa atu o tēnei katoa ko tana hokinga mai i muri i tana huna i ahau, me te mea kāore he mea i tupu, me te tumanako ka tīmata anō ahau i te wāhi i mutu ai māua.

E kī ana a Tākuta Lisa Firestone he mahi whakapatipati wera tēnei, ā, e whakamārama ana, "Ka taea e tēnei momo rerekētanga kare ā-roto te waihanga i tētahi āhuatanga whakawara e hiahia ana te hoa ki te whakahoki mai i te aroha, ā, ka noho tonu ki te whanaungatanga, ahakoa he kino."

5. He kōrero kotahi tā rātou engari he mahi kē tā rātou

Ko te kore e ōrite te kupu me te mahi tētahi o ngā tohu e kore e taea te whakakorekore o te whanonga wera me te makariri. Ka oati rātou ki a koe i te marama me ngā whetū, me ngā mea katoa i waenganui, engari i te ao tūturu, kāore e taea e koe te whakawhirinaki ki a rātou ka puta mai i te wā i kī ai rātou ka puta mai. Nā tēnei korenga o te ōritetanga ka pōhēhē koe mō ō rātou whakaaro pono. Hei tauira,

E mea ana rātou kei te ngaro koe engari kāore e ngana ana ki te kite i a koe
Ka kōrero rātou mō te whakapau kaha engari ka karo i te tango i tetahi hikoinga ki te huarahi
Ka oati rātou ki te huri i muri i ia tautohetohe, ia pakanga rānei, engari kāore e whai i te hua.

Koinei tonu te mea i pā ki a Jake, 32 tau te pakeke, he kaihoahoa whakairoiro, i tana whanaungatanga whakamutunga. E mahara ana ia, "I kī tonu taku hoa wahine o mua, a Mandy, he whanaungatanga roa tana , engari he rerekē te kōrero a āna mahi. I tētahi wiki, ka kōrero ia mō te neke tahi ki te whare, ā, i te wiki i muri mai, ka kore ia e aro ki aku waea. He tino hoha."

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6. Ka tawhiti atu rātou i muri i te whanaungatanga piripono

E ai ki taku kōrero, ko te matara i muri i te whanaungatanga tata he tauira tino kitea i roto i taku hoa aroha werawera, makariri hoki. Ko te āhua nei, he mea noa iho tēnei mō te nuinga o ngā whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki. I muri i tētahi taunekeneke e whakaoho ana i te hononga kare ā-roto hohonu—ahakoa mā te kōrero, mā te whanaungatanga tinana rānei—ka wehe atu tō hoa, me te mea kāore he mea i tupu. Hei tauira,

Tērā pea he aroha, he aroha hoki rātou i te wā e whakatau ana, engari he tawhiti i te ata e whai ake nei.
Ka tīmata rātou i te piripono mā te noho ngoikore ki a koe engari ka ahua makariri, ka kore rānei e aro mai ina whakahoki mai koe.
Ka hangaia e rātou he wā hōhonu o te hononga, kātahi ka hiahia ohorere ki te "wāhi"

7. Ka waiho tonu koe kia whakaaro noa mō ō rātou kare ā-roto

ngā tohu o te whanonga wera me te makariri

E whitu tau te roa o te noho tahi, ā, kāore au i tino mōhio ki te āhua o te aroha o taua tangata ki ahau. I aroha ia ki ahau? Kāore? I hiahia ia ki te noho tahi me ahau? Kāore? He huringa tonu o te tango rau, kāore he hua. He maha ngā take mōna:

Ka rerekē, ka mamao atu ia mēnā ka mea atu ahau, "Aroha ana ahau ki a koe", engari ka kōrero noa atu ia i te wā e pā ana ki a ia te wairua.
I kīia e ia he whanaungatanga engari kāore i rite ki te hoa rangatira ahau
I puritia e ia tā mātou he mea ngaro te whanaungatangaI ngā wā katoa i noho tahi ai māua, kāore tana hoa pai rawa i mōhio ki ahau.

Nā tēnei i whakaaro tonu ahau, "He aha ia i wera ai, i makariri ai? He aha tāna e hiahia ana? He aha ia te kore ai e whakatau i tana whakatau?" Mena kei te pā mai ētahi pātai rite ki a koe, kaua e pohehe he tohu kino tēnei mena kei te whakaaro tonu koe ki tō tūnga me tō hoa.

8. E whakapae ana rātou i a koe mō tō rātou tawhiti

Tērā pea kei te whakaaro koe, "He aha ia i wera ai, i makariri ai i ngā wā katoa?" "He aha ia i kore ai e taea te matapae?", ā, ka tahuri te tangata e mau tonu ana i tēnei tauira ka whakatakoto i te whakapae ki ō waewae. Engari ko te tango i te kawenga mō ā rātou whanonga koretake, ka meinga koe e rātou kia whakama mō te tumanako kia rite tonu, kia iti rawa rānei i roto i te whanaungatanga . Anei te āhua o tēnei:

Ka pātai koe he aha rātou i tawhiti ai, ā, ka whakapae rātou he piri rawa rātou
Ka āhua makariri rātou, ā, ina tūpatohia, ka kī rātou he "pukumahi noa iho" rātou, ā, he nui rawa tō tauhohenga
E whakapae ana rātou kei te hiahia koe ki te āwhina i a koe, ahakoa ko te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero noa iho tāu e hiahia ana.

9. Ka hoatu e rātou he tohu whakaranu ki a koe

Ko ngā tohu whakauru tētahi atu o ngā tohu matarohia o te whanonga wera me te makariri. I tētahi rā, ka kōrero rātou mō te heke mai; i tētahi atu rā, ka mea rātou kāore rātou i te tino mōhio mō te whakapau kaha. He rerekē ā rātou mahi me ā rātou kupu, ā, he uaua ki te mārama ki ō rātou whakaaro pono.

"Ina tukuna mai e te tangata ngā tohu rerekē, he maha ngā wā kāore rātou e wātea ana ki te taha kare ā-roto, e pai ana rānei ki te mana o te pupuri i a koe kia ruarua."
Tākuta Carla Marie Manly, tohunga hinengaro

10. Ka noho tonu koe i konei engari ka karo i te tautuhi i te whanaungatanga

Ki te harikoa rātou ki te pārekareka ki ngā painga o tētahi whanaungatanga me te kore e piripono, tera pea kei te whakararuraru rātou i a koe. I tēnei wā, ko te whanonga wera me te makariri pea i ahu mai i tō rātou koretake mō ō rātou kare ā-roto mōu. Ahakoa kāore pea rātou e aroha ana, e kite ana rānei i tētahi heke mai ki a koe, kāore hoki rātou e hiahia kia ngaro koe nā te mea ko te tikanga o tēnā ko te noho mokemoke. Nō reira, tera pea ka kite rātou i a koe hei mahere tārua , kia puta rā anō tētahi mea pai ake.

E kōrero ana a Ryan, he kaiwhakaputa pānuitanga, mō tana wheako ki te noho tahi me tētahi wahine ātaahua, ā, e mea ana ia, "I rite tana mahi ki taku hoa wahine, engari i ngā wā katoa ka kōrero ahau mō te motuhaketanga, ka mea ia kāore ia i rite. E rua tau te roa o tēnei mahi, tae noa ki tana tūtakitanga ki tētahi atu i te mahi, ā, ka wehe wawe mai i ahau. I roto i te tau kotahi, ka taumau rāua ki te marena. Ki taku whakaaro ko au anake te mea kāore ia i rite mōna."

11. Ka puta mai rātou ina hiahia rātou

te hinengaro whanonga wera me te makariri

Ko te tangata e mātao ana ki a koe, ka rite tana mahi ki te tatau hurihuri. Ka toro atu rātou ina watea mō rātou, ka ngaro atu ina kore. Kāore he aha ō hiahia, ō wawata, me ō tumanakohanga. Ko rātou katoa te mea nui ki te whanaungatanga, ā, tera pea:

Ka tuku karere atu rātou ki a koe mō ngā hāora ina hoha rātou, engari ka warewarehia koe ina hiahiatia ana rātou e koe.
Ka ngaro atu rātou ina tino hiahiatia ana, engari ka puta mai anō ina hiahia ana koe ki te aro atu
Ka whakangao rātou ina hiahia ana rātou ki tētahi mea, engari ka matara atu i muri mai

12. Ka hae rātou engari kāore e whakaae

Ko te tangata e takaro ana i te kēmu wera me te makariri e kore e tino piripono ki a koe, engari i te wa ano, kāore e hiahia kia ngaro koe. Ahakoa e kore rātou e whakaae kia whakamanahia te whanaungatanga , tera pea ka hae rātou mēnā ka noho tahi koe me ētahi atu, ka waiho rānei ō whiringa kia tuwhera. I a ia e whakamārama ana i te take o tēnā, e kī ana a Tākuta Terri Orbuch, "Ko te hunga e uru ana ki te whanonga wera me te makariri he maha ngā wā e hiahia ana ki te whakahaere i te whanaungatanga me te kore e tino piripono."

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13. E ngenge ana koe, kaua e makona

He tauira pukapuka noa iho te whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki o tētahi whanaungatanga e ngenge ana i te kare ā-roto . Nā te koretake o te whakaaro, ka noho pōuri koe, ka hiahia tonu ki tō hoa, ka hiahia hoki kia whakamanahia koe. Kāore rawa te wairua o te haumaru me te haumaru e pā ana ki tētahi whanaungatanga hauora i roto i te whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki. Ka tere tonu te ngenge o te kare ā-roto i tēnei.

E whakaahua ana a Sophia, 27 tau te pakeke, kua pāngia e tēnei āhuatanga uaua, i tana wheako penei: "I te tīmatanga, he tino haurangi ngā piki me ngā heke, engari i te roanga o te wā, ka mōhio ahau he nui ake tōku manukanuka i tōku harikoa. He nui rawa te uaua ki te whakamanawanui i te piki me te heke o ngā kare ā-roto."

7 Ngā Tohutohu mō te Wāwāhi i te Huringa Wera me te Makariri

Ki te mea kei roto koe i tētahi whanaungatanga werawera, makariri hoki, e mōhio ana koe ki te kaha o te mamae o te ngākau. Mā te aro atu ki te mamae o te ngākau o tō hoa rangatira, ka noho pōrearea tonu tō puku. Ina tawhiti rāua, ka pōuri koe , ka manukanuka hoki. Ina maha tonu te hokinga mai o tēnei huringa, kāore ēnei kare ā-roto kino e ngaro ahakoa kei te aro nui tō hoa rangatira ki a koe, ā, kei reira tonu ia hei tautoko i a koe.

Kāore e taea e kōrua te hono atu me te pārekareka ki ō kōrua wā tino pai nā te mea kei te tatari tonu kōrua kia taka te hu kē atu. He mea nui te wawahi i tēnei huringa mō tō oranga ngākau me tō whakaute i a koe anō. Heoi, nā te mea he maha ngā pānga o tēnei whanonga ki a koe, ki te taha hinengaro me te taha hinengaro, he maha ngā wā ka tino uaua te wawahi i a koe anō. Mā ēnei tohutohu e whitu i tautokona e ngā tohunga mō te wawahi i te huringa wera me te makariri ka āwhina i a koe ki te ahu whakamua me te whakahoki mai i tō mana motuhake:

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1. Kia mōhio ki te tauira, kia mōhio hoki ki te pānga

I mua i tō whakaaro me pēhea te wawahi i te huringa wera me te makariri, me mōhio koe kei roto koe i tētahi. Whakaaetia ko te rerekētanga o tō whanaungatanga ehara i te mea noa, i te mea hauora rānei, ā, kati te huna i ō kanohi ki ngā tohu o te whanonga wera me te makariri a tō hoa. I taua wā anō, kia aro ki te pānga ki a koe. Hei tauira,

Tērā pea ka kitea e koe anō e rapu whakamārama ana mō ā rātou whanonga, me te whakaaro, "Kei te ahotea noa iho rātou i tēnei wā."
Ka harikoa koe ina aro mai rātou ki a koe. E tohu ana tēnei kei te whakawhirinaki koe ki tā rātou whakamana.
Ka pāngia tō wairua e te āhua o tō hoa ki a koe
Ka kite koe kei te tātari nui rawa koe i ā rātou kupu me ā rātou mahi

E whakamārama ana a Tākuta Tracy Dalgleish, he kaiako whanaungatanga, "Ko te whakapakari ā-wā - te hoatu me te tango i te aroha e kore e taea te matapae - ka taea te hanga i tētahi herenga rite ki te waranga . Ko te mōhio koinei te taahiraa tuatahi ki te wehe atu."

2. Kati te whai i a rātou, hoki whakamuri

E ai ki a Emma, 29 tau te pakeke, he nēhi, "I ia wā ka pōuri ia, ka whakapau kaha ahau ki te whakatau i ngā raruraru. I tētahi rā, ka mutu taku tīmatanga, ā, mātakitaki mai? Kātahi anō ka nui ake tōna hiahia. I taua wā ka mōhio ahau ko au te kaimahi katoa."

Inaianei, te āhua nei kei te whakautu koe ki te mahi tinihanga wera me te makariri mā roto i ō ake whanonga tinihanga. Engari ehara i te tinihanga, engari he tiaki i tō ake rangimārie. Ko te pono, ko te nui ake o tō whai i tētahi he āhua wera me te makariri, ka nui ake te mana e hoatu ana e koe ki a ia.

Kaua e rapu tonu i tā rātou whakamana, engari me whai i tō rātou kaha—ki te mawehe atu rātou, kaua e whaia. Anei te huarahi:

Engari o tuku karere takirua ki te kore rātou e whakautu mai, tatari kia whakapau kaha rātou
Ki te whakakorehia e rātou ngā mahere i te meneti whakamutunga, kaua e whakarerekē tonu i te wā - tukua rātou kia whakahaere i te kaupapa
Ina tawhiti rātou, kaua e ngana ki te "whakatika" i ngā mea; tukua kia haere mai rātou ki a koe.

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3. Whakatakotoria he rohe mārama, ā, whakawhitiwhiti kōrero mō ō hiahia

E tika ana kia mau tonu te whanaungatanga, kia whakautehia hoki. Me whakatakoto e koe he rohe pumau i roto i te whanaungatanga, me te whakamōhio atu ki tō hoa rangatira ki ngā whanonga e whakaaetia ana e koe, me ngā whanonga kāore e whakaaetia e koe. Anei te huarahi:

Mea atu, "Me pumau tonu te whanaungatanga. Ki te ngaro koe mō ngā rā, kāore e taea e au te mahi tonu."
Ki te kore rātou e whakaae ki te tautuhi i te whanaungatanga, me mārama: "Kāore au e haumi ki tētahi e kore e tino mōhio ki ahau."
Ina tawhiti atu rātou, kaua e whakaaroaro - kia maumahara ko rātou anake te mea e pā ana ki ā rātou whanonga, ehara i a koe.

He mea nui kia kaua e whakatakoto noa i ngā rohe engari kia mau tonu hoki ki aua rohe. Tērā pea ko te tikanga o tēnā ko te tuku i te tumanako teka ka rerekē ngā mea i roto i te wā, me te kohikohi i te māia ki te tuku. Ahakoa te kōrero atu ki a koe mō ō hiahia, ki te mau tonu ā rātou whanonga wera, makariri, he tohu tēnā kāore rātou e hiahia ki te huri. Me waiho tēnā hei tohu māu ki te puta.

"He mea nui ngā rohe hei wawahi i ngā huringa whanaungatanga kino. Ina whakatakotohia e koe ngā rohe, ka whakahokia mai e koe tō mana me tō whakaaro nui ki a koe anō."
Tākuta Carla Marie Manly, tohunga hinengaro

4. Arotahi ki ā rātou mahi, kaua ki ā rātou kupu

Kāore he tikanga o ngā kupu whakaari kau me ngā kupu reka mēnā kāore ā rātou mahi e ōrite. E ai ki te kōrero, he tinihanga te kupu whakaari me te kore huringa. Nō reira, i a koe e ngana ana ki te rapu huarahi hei wawahi i te huringa wera me te makariri, kia aro ki tā rātou mahi ki a koe, kaua ki tā rātou e kōrero nei. Kaua e tukua rātou kia mawhiti me ngā mahi raruraru nā te mea he tika ā rātou kōrero i te wā tika. Me hoki whakamuri koe, ka arotake anō mēnā he pai te whanaungatanga mōu, mēnā:

E mea ana rātou e aro ana rātou engari ka ngaro atu ina hiahiatia rātou e koe
Ka oati rātou ki te huri engari ka mau tonu me ngā whanonga ōrite
He aroha tā rātou mahi i tētahi rā, ā, he tawhiti i tētahi atu rā—he rerekētanga tēnei haki whero

5. Whakatairangahia tō whakaaro nui ki a koe anō me tō oranga ngākau

Ka pā kino pea ngā whanaungatanga wera, makariri hoki ki tō hauora hinengaro. Kaua e tatari kia huri tō hoa, engari arotahi ki a koe anō. Whakangaohia ngā mahi whakangahau, ngā whakahoahoa, me te manaaki i a koe anō.

Whakapaua te wā ki ō hoa, kaua e tatari mō ā rātou karere kuputuhi
Tīmatahia tētahi mahi whakangahau hou, arotahi rānei ki te tipu whaiaro
Kia maumahara koe i ia rā: "E tika ana kia whiwhi ahau i tētahi hoa e pumau ana, e whakaute ana hoki i ahau."

E kī ana te kaiwhakaora hinengaro a Tākuta Alexandra Solomon, "Me whai wāhi te whanaungatanga hauora ki tō oranga, kaua e whakapōrearea i tō wairua. I te wā tonu ka tīmata koe ki te whakarite i a koe anō hei mea nui, ka hurihia e koe te mana."

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6. Kati te hanga whakamāoritanga mō ā rātou whanonga

He māmā noa te whakamārama i ngā mahi werawera me ngā mahi mātao a tō hoa—"He kino noa iho rāua ki te tuku karere" me "He uaua tō rāua tamarikitanga." Engari i te mutunga, he kōwhiringa te whanonga koretake. Ina kitea e koe kei te rapu whakamārama koe mō rāua, kei te tuku rānei i te painga o te ruarua mō te 1000 o ngā wā, whakamaharatia koe anō:

Me i tino aro nui rātou, ka whakapau kaha rātou, ahakoa te pukumahi o rātou
E kore te tangata e whakanui ana i a koe e meinga tonutia koe kia pōuri
Ka taea tonu e te hunga he uaua ō rātou hītori te whiriwhiri kia whai kawenga kare ā-roto

7. Kia rite ki te haere atu mēnā kāore he mea e rerekē ana

E kī ana a Tākuta Ramani Durvasula, he tohunga hinengaro haumanu, "Ki te mea ka hoatu tonu e tetahi he nui hei pupuri i a koe kia mau tonu, engari kāore e ranea hei whakamarie i a koe, ehara ia i te tangata tika māu." Nō reira, ki te mea kua kōrerotia e koe ō hiahia, kua whakatakotohia he rohe, kua hoatu he wā ki a rātou kia huri i ā rātou huarahi, ā, ka mau tonu rātou i taua whanonga, kua tae pea te wā ki te wehe atu i te whanaungatanga.

He tino uaua te haere atu nā te mea ka hoatu e te tangata he tirohanga ki a koe mō ngā mea kua taea engari kāore e tukua kia tutuki, ā, ka mau tonu tō wairua. Engari i tētahi wā, me tuku e koe tēnei tumanako teka, ka whakahoki mai i tō oranga. Anei te huarahi:

Ki te kore rātou e whakaae i muri i ngā kōrero maha, kati te tatari kia huri rātou.
Āraia, whakatāwhitia rānei koe mēnā ka puta tonu mai rātou hei pupuri i tō wairua kia mau tonu ai tō wairua
Kia maumahara ki a koe anō: "Ki te manawanui tonu ahau ki tēnei, e kore rawa ahau e whiwhi i te aroha e tika ana māku"

Tohutohu Matua

He hononga wera, he whanaungatanga matao hoki, e uru ana te aroha me te wehewehe, ka hua ake te kore pumau o te ngākau me te māharahara.
Ko ngā āhuatanga hinengaro pēnei i ngā momo piripono, ngā whara o mua, me ngā take whakapau kaha te nuinga o te wā e akiaki ana i tēnei whanonga.
Ko ngā tohu o te whanonga wera me te makariri ko te whakawhitiwhiti kōrero koretake, te aroha e whakawhirinaki ana ki te kare ā-roto, te hikoi i runga i ngā anga hua manu, te ngaro o te wairua, ngā tohu whakauru, te wehe i muri i te whanaungatanga piripono, me te kore e pai ki te tautuhi i te whanaungatanga.
Mā te whakakaha ā-wā ka puta he huringa whakawara, ka arahi ki te manukanuka, te ruarua i a ia anō, me te ngenge o te ngākau. He maha ngā wā ka pupuri te hoa wera-mātao i te mana whakahaere i te mea e hiahia ana tetahi ki te whakamana.
Ko te mōhio ki te tauira, te whakatakoto rohe, te arotahi ki ngā mahi kaua ki ngā kupu, me te whakatairanga i te mana whaiaro, koinei ngā mahi matua hei mawhiti atu i te whiu kare ā-roto me te kimi whanaungatanga hauora ake.

Thoughts Final

Ka taea e ngā whanonga wera me te makariri i roto i tētahi whanaungatanga te hanga i te mamae nui o te kare ā-roto, ka waiho koe kia pōhēhē, kia manukanuka, kia hiahia hoki kia pumau. Ki te kite koe i ēnei tohu, he mea nui kia whakatakotohia he rohe mārama, kia whakarite hoki i tō oranga kare ā-roto. Ehara i te mea ngāwari te wawahi i te huringa wera me te makariri, engari he mea tika mō tō hauora kare ā-roto. Kia mōhio ki te tauira, whakatakotohia he rohe, ā, kia whakarite i a koe anō. Ki te tino aro rātou, ka tautoko rātou; ki te kore, ko te wehe atu te kōwhiringa pai rawa atu māu. Ka hangaia he whanaungatanga tūturu i runga i te pumau, te whakaute, me te mahi tahi—kaua rawa i runga i te koretake me ngā kēmu hinengaro.

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Ehara tō takoha i te koha aroha . Mā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe tonu mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.