He aha te urupare a te tangata whakapehapeha ina kore e taea e ia te whakahaere i a koe?

I a ia e kōrero ana mō te whakapehapeha i roto i tana pukapuka rongonui ko The Art of Loving , i mea te tohunga hinengaro a Erich Fromm, "Ko te tikanga matua mō te whakatutukitanga o te aroha ko te wikitoria i te whakapehapeha o te tangata." Ā, he tika tana. I roto i te nuinga o ngā wā, ka taea e te whakapehapeha te aukati i te puāwaitanga o tētahi whanaungatanga hauora, nā te mea kāore he mea, he tangata rānei e nui ake ana te hiranga ki ngā whakapehapeha i a rātou anō. Ko te mana whakahaere te tohu o te āhua o te whakapehapeha. Engari me pēhea te tauhohe a te whakapehapeha ina kore e taea e rātou te whakahaere i a koe? Ā, me pēhea te whakaaro o te whakapehapeha ina kore koe e inoi, e tohe kia whakaorangia te whanaungatanga?

Ka taea e koe te tino mohio kāore te tangata whakahihi e pai ki te takoto noa. Ina tangohia e koe te mana whakahaere mai i te tangata whakahihi, e kore rātou e tuku i a koe, ā, ka hiahia tonu ki te tukino i a koe i te tīmatanga. I roto i tēnei tuhinga, me te āwhina a tā mātou tohunga tohutohu whanaungatanga a Dhriti Bhavsar (he tohu Paerua i roto i te Hinengaro, me te tohungatanga ki te Hinengaro Haumanu), ko tana tohungatanga kei roto i ngā wāhanga pēnei i te whanaungatanga, te tohutohu i mua i te marena, ngā take LGBTQ+, me te wehenga, ka ruku hohonu atu mātou ki ngā mea ka puta ina mōhio te tangata whakahihi kei te ngaro ia, kei te kitea rānei kei te whakarērea ia. Nō reira, pānuihia tonu kia whiwhi whakautu ki tāu pātai wera, "Me pēhea te mahi a te tangata whakahihi ina ngaro koe i a ia?", ā, whakaorangia koe i te tukino whakahihi.

Me pēhea te whakahaere a te tangata whakapehapeha i a koe? 

He mea mōhio noa te hunga whakahihi ki te hiahia kia arohia rātou. He hunga aroha nui rātou ki a rātou anō , ā, he hiahia tonu kia motuhake rātou. Kāore hoki i a rātou te aroha, te aroha rānei, ā, ka kaha te whakahaere i te hunga e karapoti ana i a rātou, ka whakamahia rānei e rātou mō ō rātou ake painga. Kua whakamātauhia e ngā rangahau he maha ngā āhuatanga motuhake o te hunga whakahihi. Nō reira, ko te hunga whai whakahihi nui (e ahu mai ana i te matatini rangatira ā-roto) ka whakaatu i ēnei āhuatanga:

• Whakairo
• Whainga
• hae
• ātahu

Ahakoa ko te hunga whai whakapehapeha ngoikore (e ahu mai ana i te kore whakaaro nui ki a rātou anō) e whakaatu ana i:

• Haumarutanga
• Whakatauranga
• Te Whakaako

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Engari me pēhea te mahi a te tangata whakahihi ina hiahia rātou ki te whakahaere i a koe? E whakamārama ana a Dhriti, "Ko te nuinga o te wā ka whakawhirinaki ngā whakahihi ki ngā rautaki whakahaere kare ā-roto hei whakahaere i te tangata. Kāore rātou e aro ki ngā kare ā-roto o te tangata." Ā, he taputapu ēnei rautaki mā ngā whakahihi ki te pehi i ō rātou whanaunga me ētahi atu e karapoti ana i a rātou. Nō reira, me titiro tātou ki ētahi o ēnei mahi whakahaere e whakamahia ana e ngā whakahihi:

1. Whakamarama

Ko te whakamārama hau te mahi whakararuraru i a koe i tō hinengaro mā te whakakore i ō kare ā-roto, ā, he tohunga ngā tāngata whakahihi ki tēnei mahi tinihanga. E kī ana a Dhriti, "Mō ngā tāngata whakahihi, ko te mea nui ko te ārai i te patunga kia kaua e whakaara ake i tētahi feaa , i tētahi take rānei mō te whanaungatanga mā te whakakore i tō rātou pono, i tō rātou mahara rānei ki ngā kaupapa. Nō reira, i roto i ēnei āhuatanga, ka whakamahi pea ngā tāngata whakahihi i ngā kōrero pēnei i: "Kei te hē tō mahara ki ngā mea" "Kāore i te kino rawa," hei akiaki i te patunga kia pātai ki a rātou anō me te whakaaro tuarua mō ō rātou ake wheako me ō rātou kare ā-roto."

2. Aroha ana ki te pōma me te kimi wairua 

Ko tētahi atu rautaki e whakamahia ana e te hunga whakahihi hei whakahaere i a rātou anō ko te whakakotahitanga o te aroha pōrearea me te wairua pōrearea. Ko te aroha pōrearea he nui rawa te aroha e ringihia ana e rātou ki tētahi, ko te wairua pōrearea he tapahi i ngā whakapā me ngā whakawhitiwhiti kōrero katoa me te kore he whakamārama.

Ka tāpiri atu a Dhriti, "Ka whakarite ngā tāngata whakahihi kia whaia tonutia koe e te ngeru me te kiore. Ina aro mai rātou ki a koe, he nui rawa ngā mea kāore koe e mōhio me aha koe. Ka ringihia e rātou he koha, he wā, me ngā kupu reka ki a koe. Ka meinga koe kia rite ki te tihi o te ao. Kātahi, ka hoki whakamuri rātou, ka huna koe. Kāore he whakapā atu, kāore hoki he whakautu ki ngā karere kuputuhi, ki ngā waea rānei. Ahakoa ka whakautu mai rātou i te mutunga, ka tawhiti atu rātou i te taha wairua, ka makariri hoki. Mā tēnei pea ka kore e tau te wairua o te patunga, ka whakawhirinaki ki te tangata whakahihi kia pai ake ai tōna wairua."

3. Te tākaro i te kāri patunga

Ki tā rātou titiro ake, ko te hunga whakahihi te hunga e pāngia ana e te mate. Kāore rātou e whakaae ki ō rātou hapa, e whakama mō ā rātou mahi hē, e whakaae rānei ki te kawenga mō ā rātou mahi . E kī ana a Dhriti, "Ahakoa ka ngana te patunga ki te whakaara ake i tētahi mea i mahia e te tangata whakahihi hei whara i a rātou, ka tahuri te tangata whakahihi, ka whai wāhi ki te whakahē i ngā mahi katoa a te patunga."

4. Matapae

Ko te matapae he tikanga tiaki e whakamahia ana e te hunga whakahihi. Ko tōna tikanga he whakawhiti i ngā kare ā-roto kino ki tētahi atu. Ka tāpiri atu a Dhriti, "E whakapono ana te hunga whakahihi he tino tika rātou. Nō reira, ina whakamarietia rātou e te pono mō ō rātou hapa, ka pā te mamae ki a rātou. Kātahi ka tīmata rātou ki te whakapae i te hunga e karapoti ana i a rātou mō te mahi i te mea kotahi. Hei tauira, ki te hae rātou ki tētahi, ka whakapae pea rātou i te tangata kē mō te hae ki a rātou, me te ngana ki te whakangaro i a rātou." 

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5. Takoto

He tino kaikōrero teka te hunga whakahihi, ā, he maha ngā wā ka teka rātou kia rite ai ētahi atu ki ngā 'tangata kino' o tā rātou kōrero, kia pai ake ai te āhua o rātou ina whakaritea ki te whakataurite. E whakamārama ana a Dhriti, "He nui rawa te whakapono o te hunga whakahihi ki ā rātou kōrero, ā, ka whakapono te tangata e rongo ana i ā rātou kōrero, ka aroha ki a rātou."

Nā, kua mōhio tātou ki ngā tikanga e whakamahia ana e te hunga whakahihi ki te whakahaere i ētahi atu, tera pea koe e whakaaro ana he aha te tauhohenga a ēnei hunga whakahihi ina ngaro te mana whakahaere i ō rātou hoa, ina whakatau rānei tā rātou patunga ki te whawhai. Āe, me titiro tātou ki ētahi o aua take.

11 Ngā Tauhohenga Ka Taea e Koe te Tumanako Ina Mōhio Te Tangata Whakahē Kua Ngaro Koe I A Ia

Nā, me pēhea te tauhohenga a te tangata whakahihi ina kore e taea e ia te whakahaere i a koe? Āe, ina ngaro te mana o te tangata whakahihi ki tāna patunga, he rite ki te tamaiti e ngaro ana tana taonga takaro. Titiro mai, he pai ki ngā tangata whakahihi te whakaari, ā, ka tino rerekē ā rātou mahi ina kore e taea e rātou te whakahaere i ā rātou patunga. Nō reira, ina tangohia e koe te mana whakahaere mai i tētahi tangata whakahihi, e whakaaro ana rātou kua ngaro pea i a rātou tētahi i pā ki tōna whakapehapeha. 

Ka hua ake tēnei i te ngaronga o te whakaaro nui ki a ia anō, ā, ka arahi pea ki ngā tauhohenga tino kaha mai i te tangata whakahihi. Ko te whakautu māmā ki te "He aha ngā kare ā-roto o te tangata whakahihi ina kore koe e inoi, e inoi?" ko te kore e taea e rātou te whakaae ki te mooni kino. Ā, ka taea e ā rātou whanonga te kore e taea te matapae. I te mea ko rātou te pokapū o tō rātou ake ao, ka whakaatu ngā tangata whakahihi i a rātou anō hei patunga ina mawhiti ā rātou hoa i tā rātou tukino.

Ina meinga e koe tētahi tangata whakahihi kia pōuri mā te hinga i a ia i tā rātou ake kēmu, tērā pea ka ngana rātou ki te whakahoki mai i a koe i te tuatahi, engari i te mutunga, tērā pea ka whakaatu rātou i te riri whakahihi, ā, ka tapahia rawatia koe. Me titiro tātou ki ngā tauhohenga 11 ka taea te tumanako ina kite tētahi tangata whakahihi kua ngaro koe i a rātou:

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1. Mounu

Ko te whakautu tuatahi ki te pātai "He aha te tauhohenga a te tangata whakahihi ina kore e taea e ia te whakahaere i a koe?", ko tā rātou mahi nui ko te whakaoho i tō tauhohenga, te akiaki rānei i a koe kia kōrero. E whakamārama ana a Dhriti, "Ko te mea e whai hua ana ko te riri. Ka āta kōrero, ka mahi rānei te hunga whakahihi i ngā mea e riri ai koe. Hei tauira, ka taea e rātou te toro atu ki ō hoa, te whakararuraru rānei i a koe, hei ngana ki te whakapā atu ki a koe, ki te kōrero rānei i ngā mea ka whakaoho i a koe." 

Ko te whakamomori ka uru atu ki te whakamataku i te tangata, te whakama, te whakapae teka rānei i a ia mō tētahi mea. I a ia e kōrero ana mō tana hoa rangatira whakahihi i mahue i a ia, ka mea tētahi kaiwhakamahi Reddit, "Kua ngana ia ki te whakama i ahau kia kōrero ki a ia mā te kī kua mate, kua mate rānei ōku whanaunga."

2. Hoki ki te aroha pōma 

Ki te kore e whai hua te whakapatipati, ka tīmata pea te hunga whakahihi ki te ruirui i a koe ki te aroha, pērā i ngā rā tuatahi, engari he maha ngā take hē. E whakamārama ana a Dhriti, "Mā tēnei pōrearea aroha ohorere ka pātai pea koe ki tō whakaaro mō te neke atu i a rātou nā te mea ka rite rātou ki tētahi tangata whakamiharo, ā, ka pai ai tō whakaaro ki a koe anō. I roto i ēnei āhuatanga, ka ngana pea rātou ki te whakamahara i a koe ki ngā wā pai i noho tahi ai kōrua i mua." Tērā pea ka whakamatautauria koe ki te whakatika i ō ara me te whakahaere i te whanaungatanga. Engari kia mahara, ko te hoki ki tētahi whakahihi i roto i ēnei āhuatanga he hapa nui.

3. Ngā tumanako teka mō te katinga

Ina kaha rawa koe mō te tangata whakahihi, i ētahi wā, i roto i te ngana nui ki te whakahoki mai i te mana whakahaere, ka whakaaro pea rātou ki te tuku i te otinga, i te whakatau rānei ki a koe. E whakamārama ana a Dhriti, "Tērā pea ka tono rātou kia tūtaki koe ki tētahi wāhi, kia kōrero rānei i te wā waea mō te otinga, ā, ina tae ki te wā, ka tū atu pea koe. Ina waea atu koe ki a rātou, ka whakakahore rātou i te hanga i aua mahere, ā, ka kīia koe he porangi. He momo whakamārama hau tēnei mō te tangata whakahihi . E pai ana ki te tangata whakahihi te hoatu i te tumanako teka ki tana hoa, ā, e pai ana ki te whakapouri i a rātou."

4. Te wehe i a koe

Ko tētahi whakautu nui ki te pātai "He aha te tauhohenga a te tangata whakahihi ina kite ia kāore koe e aro atu, ina kitea rānei e ia kua mōhio koe ki tana kēmu?", ko te ngana pea ia ki te wehe i a koe. Ina whara te whakapehapeha ngoikore o te tangata whakahihi, ka whakamātau ia i ngā tikanga tinihanga katoa i roto i te whanaungatanga , tae noa ki te wehe i a koe i ngā hoa me te whānau.

Ka tāpiri atu a Dhriti, "Tērā pea ka waea atu tētahi tangata whakahihi ki ō hoa, ka kōrero kino mōu. Tērā pea ka tīmata rātou i tētahi kaupapa whakakino i a koe hei whakamātau i ō hoa ki te whakahē i a koe. E hiahia ana rātou ki te waihanga i tētahi āhuatanga kāore he tangata kē atu i a koe engari ko tō hoa whakahihi hei tahuri atu mō te tautoko kare ā-roto." Nō reira, me aha koe ina ngana tētahi tangata whakahihi ki te whakahaere i a koe pēnei? Āe, kaua e taka ki roto i te mahanga. Kia mau tonu te whakapā atu ki ō whanaunga.

5. Whakakaha ā-wā

Ina hinga i a koe tētahi tangata whakahihi i tāna ake kēmu, ka whakamahia pea e rātou taua tumanako ngoikore kei roto i tētahi kokonga o tō hinengaro. He rautaki tēnei e tino uaua ai te wehe atu i tētahi whanaungatanga tukino mō te tangata i pāngia. He kupu nā te tohunga hinengaro a BF Skinner i hanga, ko te 'whakakaha wā poto' e whakamārama ana i tētahi āhuatanga e whakaaro ana te tangata he nui ake ā rātou painga nā te mea kua utua tonutia rātou. He rite ki te ngaronga o ō moni katoa i te casino nā te mea i te wā kotahi i toa ai koe i maumauria ai ō penapena i muri mai, i te mea i tumanako koe kia toa anō.

E kī ana a Dhriti, "Ko te whakapakari ā-wā he tuku i tētahi 'utu' i ngā wā koretake, nō reira kāore te tangata e mōhio ana āhea me tumanako ki tētahi utu, ā, ka haere tonu te whanonga. I roto i ēnei āhuatanga, ka whakaae ohorere pea te tangata whakahihi ki tētahi mea kua roa koe e amuamu ana mōna, ā, ka oati ki te huri." I tēnei wā me mōhio koe me pēhea te tango i te mana whakahaere mai i te tangata whakahihi, mā te kore e tuku.

6. Te whara whakahihi

E mōhiotia ana ko te patunga whakahihi, ko te whara whakahihi e pā ana ki te nui o te whakama e pā ana ki te tangata whakahihi ina ngaro tana mana whakahaere i ana patunga, ina whakaaro rānei kua whakaititia ia. Ka tāpiri atu a Dhriti, "Ko te wā tēnei e whara ai tana tirohanga ki a ia anō mō ​​te tino tika, nā te mea e mōhio ana ia ka taea e tetahi te whakarērea ngāwari noa iho rātou. Mena kei te piripono koe ki tētahi tangata whakahihi, ka mōhio koe he maha ngā wā ka riri rātou, ka mahi rapu utu."

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7. Te riri whakahihi

E tata ana ki te whara o te whakapehapeha ko te riri whakapehapeha. Ina kore te tangata whakapehapeha e tutuki i tā rātou e pai ai, ka tīmata rātou ki te riri. I ētahi wā, ka tauhohe kaha rātou, ka ngana ki te utu i ā rātou patunga mō te kore aro ki a rātou, mō te whakarērea rānei i a rātou. Ka tāpiri atu a Dhriti, "Ko tā rātou whakaaro, "E maia ana koe ki te whara i ahau? Ka nui ake taku whara i a koe." Ka taea hoki te whakaatu i roto i te ahua o te tukino tinana, hinengaro, me te kare ā-roto. "

8. Te wehe atu i mua i tō wehenga atu i a rātou

Ko tētahi atu whakautu ki te pātai "He aha te tauhohenga a te tangata whakahihi ina kite ia kāore koe e aro ana, ina kitea rānei e ia kei te ngana koe ki te whakarē i a rātou?", ko te mea pea ka whakarē rātou i a koe i mua i tō whakarē i a rātou. Ka ngana te tangata whakahihi ki te whakahoki mai i a koe, mena ka whāngaihia e koe tōna whakapehapeha, ka whakautu rānei ki āna mahi ki te whakahoki i a koe ki te whanaungatanga tukino. I te wā tonu ka whiwhi te tangata whakahihi i te tohu ka whakarē pea koe i a rātou mō ake tonu atu , ko rātou te hunga tuatahi ka wehe. Ka makona tōna whakapehapeha. Engari ko te aha te mahi ina ngana te tangata whakahihi ki te whakahaere i a koe, kei a koe anake te tikanga. Whakatauhia mēnā kei te hiahia koe ki te tatari me te mātakitaki, ki te whakarē rānei i a rātou i taua wā tonu.

9. Ngā whakakitenga kino

I a koe e wehe ana i te whanaungatanga o te tangata whakahihi , ka ngana rātou ki te whiu whakamutunga i a koe. I roto i te kōrero mo te wehenga, ka ngana rātou ki te whakararu i a koe kia nui ake ai te mamae, kia ngaro ai tō oranga ngākau me tō whakaaro ki a koe anō. Koia te take he mea nui kia mōhio koe me pēhea te tango i te mana whakahaere mai i te tangata whakahihi mā te kore e tauhohe.

E mea ana a Dhriti, "Mēnā i mahi te tangata whakahihi i tētahi mea kino i roto i te whanaungatanga i huna e rātou i a koe, ka whakakitea e rātou tēnā ki a koe ināianei. Hei tauira, i wehe tētahi e mōhio ana ahau i tana hoa tāne, ā, i whiriwhiria e ia taua wā tonu, i waenganui o tana rerenga kōrero, hei kī atu ki a ia kua tinihanga ia i a ia. I hiahia ia ki te mana ki te whara i a ia, nui atu i tana whara i a ia."

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10. Ngā whakapae

Ina mōhio te tangata whakahihi kua mutu tō whanaungatanga, ko te kōrero whakamutunga mō te wehenga atu i a rātou ka mutu pea mā rātou e whakapae teka i a koe mō ngā mea kāore pea i mahia e koe. Ka tāpiri atu a Dhriti, "Tērā pea ka whakahē rātou i tā rātou hoa, ka tīmata ki te tohu i ō rātou ngoikoretanga me te whakaeke i tō rātou whakaaro nui ki a rātou anō." Mā tēnei, ka taea e rātou:

• Hurihia te aro mai i ō rātou ake hapa
• Whakanohoia te patunga ki te aratau tiaki
• Te rapu huarahi hei huna i ā rātou ake hē

11. Kāore he katinga

Ina mutu te aroha o te tangata whakahihi ki a koe , ā, ka mōhio ia kāore e taea e ia te tango i tētahi kare ā-roto mai i a koe, ka mutu wawe tana whakapā atu. Kāore ēnei tāngata e āwangawanga ana ki ngā kare ā-roto o tā rātou hoa. Kia maumahara, e kore rawa te tangata whakahihi e noho hei hoa i muri i te wehenga, e kore hoki e hoatu he wā ki a koe kia whiwhi i te otinga. E whakamārama ana a Dhriti, "Ina mōhio ia kāore ia e whiwhi i tētahi whakamoemiti, whakamana, tauhohenga kare ā-roto rānei mai i a koe, ka whakarērea noa koe e ia."

Mā te tango i te mana o te tangata whakapehapeha ka peia atu koe e ia?

Nā, kua tae mai te whakautu ki a koe: "He aha te urupare a te tangata whakahihi ina kore e taea e ia te whakahaere i a koe?", me rapu tātou mēnā ka whakarērea koe e te tangata whakahihi ina mōhio kua ngaro tana mana whakahaere i te whanaungatanga. E kī ana a Dhriti, "Ko te hiahia o te tangata whakahihi ko te noho tahi me te hunga ka taea te whakamana i a rātou i roto i ngā kare ā-roto, ā, kāore e tautohetohe ki tā rātou tirohanga ki a rātou anō he tino tika. Ki te kore e taea e rātou te mana ki a koe, ka taea e rātou te whakarere i a koe, nā te mea kāore rātou e kite i a koe hei tangata. E kite ana rātou i a koe hei taonga, hei pēpi rānei e noho ana hei whakatutuki i ā rātou hiahia."

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Engari, ki te mea kei te whakaaro koe me pēhea te mōhio mēnā ka whakarērea koe e te tangata whakahihi, kia mahara, kei reira tonu ngā tohu ngawari e puta mai ana i mua i te wāhanga whakamutunga o te whakarērea o te whakahihi. Anei ētahi tohu hei tirotiro māu mēnā kei te whakaaro koe mēnā ka whakarērea koe e te tangata whakahihi:

• Kāore he hae i muri mai
• Ka takaro noa rātou, ka uru rānei ki tētahi whanaungatanga hou
• Kāore he poma aroha
• Kāore he mahi whakamāori, he ngana rānei ki te whakahoki mai i a koe
• Te kore aro ki te whanaungatanga

He mate kino te whakahihi i te whanaungatanga, e ngau ana i te whanaungatanga, ā, e whakangaro ana i tōna pūtake. Ko te tumanako kua taea e mātou te āwhina i a koe me te mārama ki te āhua o te mana whakahaere whakahihi i roto i te whanaungatanga. Ko te tumanako hoki kāore koe e whakaaro ana, "He aha te urupare a te tangata whakahihi ina kore e taea e ia te whakahaere i a koe?" Ka kite koe ina mōhio te tangata whakahihi kei te hinga ia, kei te tinihangatia rānei ia, ko te whanaungatanga te pūtake o ō rātou riri me ō rātou riri katoa.

Kia maumahara, ahakoa he kaha rawa koe mō te tangata whakahihi, kāore pea i te ngāwari te wehe atu i a rātou. Heoi anō, tera pea ka uru mai ngā kare ā-roto, inā koa mēnā kei roto koe i tētahi hononga aroha mō te wā roa . Nō reira, ka mamae koe. Engari ina mōhio te tangata whakahihi kua mutu tō whanaungatanga, ka taea tonu koe te tukinotia, kia mimiti rā anō e ia tō kaha katoa i a koe.

Nō reira, ko te mea nui ake ko te mōhio ki tō uara me te wehe atu i te whanaungatanga whakahihi i mua i te kino o tā rātou tukino i a koe. He mea nui kia mōhio koe kāore he 'tātou' me te kore he 'Au', ā, ki te nui rawa te mana whakahaere whakahihi mōu, kāore he huarahi kē atu hei wehe atu i a koe hei tiaki i tō hauora hinengaro. Kāore he painga o te whakaroa i ngā mea kāore pea e angitu. Koinei te ture koura o te whanaungatanga. Nō reira, tukua te aroha ki a koe anō kia whakahaere, kia arotahi ki tō tukanga whakaora. Whakapono ki a koe anō, ka ruku ki mua.

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Ehara tō takoha i te koha aroha . Mā tēnei ka taea e Bonobology te kawe tonu mai i ngā mōhiotanga hou me ngā mōhiotanga hou ki a koe i roto i tā mātou whainga ki te āwhina i te tangata o te ao ki te ako me pēhea te mahi i tetahi mea.

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