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What is love? Is it only about longing for one more chance or making compromises?

Failed love

Hello friends, this is me Tanvi. Today I am taking you to a most important and unforgettable chapter of my life- my incomplete love story. Due to this incompleteness, my life has come to a point where my mental state keeps on drifting from my present to my past. Now, I just don’t want to dwell in that and I need to come out of my past completely. That is why I thought to pour my heart out and lighten the burden which I have been carrying for the past 7 years.

My Present- June 2017

I am sitting on my balcony with a steaming hot cup of coffee and enjoying the pleasant monsoon weather. It is 10 o’clock in the morning with a beautiful cloudy day. Raindrops were drizzling on and off. This is actually the time, which I enjoy the most after my early morning busy hours. My hubby Gautam has left for his office and I have just dropped my 4-year-old daughter Shreya to the school bus. Everything for the day seems perfect, but there is one corner in my heart, which keeps on piercing me every now and then and suddenly I drift into my past again. I am still not able to answer these questions – what is love? Why can the feeling of first love never be over?

My Past- April 2010

I have pursued Mtech after my B.E. I have always dreamt of being a teacher and on the note of fulfilling one of my dreams, I got a job as a lecturer in the Electrical Engineering department of a high-tech engineering college in Chandigarh.

It was the first day of my job. I was heading towards the staff room after having taken my first two classes and since I was not having any lecture for the next one and half hour. I was a very shy girl so I sat in one corner of the room, imagining it as my isolated cocoon. I took a glance at the room and saw a few of my other colleagues. Some of them were having discussions and tea while others were busy reading. My gaze stopped suddenly from moving, to a constant glare at him after traveling in a clockwise direction. My heart skipped a beat or two and for a moment I went numb. I then started thinking, is it just infatuation or something more than that? At this moment, I wish there was someone who could describe to me, “ What is love”?

This was really happening with me for the first time in my life. Till now, I have only heard about it or have seen it in movies, but this was actually the real feeling. My very intimate feeling of “Love at first sight”. I kept staring at him non-stop and then suddenly he also looked at me, gave me a minuscule smile and feeling embarrassed at the moment, I took my gaze away.

A week went by and gradually I got my plate full with a number of lectures, assessment and the list went on. I used to get butterflies fluttering in my stomach whenever I caught a glimpse of Samar, but being a shy girl, I never got the courage to talk to him.

One day when I was passing by the Electrical Engineering corridor, I heard someone calling me. I turned back and saw Samar standing few inches behind me. He was looking astonishingly handsome in a crisp white shirt and navy blue trousers. He put his hand forward for a greeting shake with a breathtaking smile on his face. I was dazed. I brought my shaking hand forward, collecting my senses back. The pleasantries were exchanged. It was then the moment which left me feeling myself on cloud 9 when Samar asked me out for coffee.

In the evening, we went to a nearby café. I was feeling very nervous and shy. And then Samar started talking. He told me that since the day he had first seen me, from that very moment, he felt a special connection with me which he has not felt with anybody else. He made me feel elated. This was actually very sudden and I have never ever dreamt of, such a handsome guy falling for me. My happiness knew no bounds. From this day started the beginning of a beautiful love story of two hearts beating for each other.

We started seeing each other frequently. After some time, Samar got a promotional job offer in another college in Delhi. This led to our increased phone calls and fewer meetings. Our love grew each passing day with the increased distance. Then one day, Samar proposed me over the phone, but I was feeling so happy and shy at the same time that I kept mum. My silence was taken as a YES by Samar.

But the Universe has decided something else for us. Our growing love was taking me to a pondering stage. I was having a fear that this road is not meant to be my destiny as my parents will never allow me for that due to our caste difference. And moreover, I was not meant to choose my partner independently. I was not having the courage to bring this all to my parents’ knowledge and I did not want to go against their wishes. But at the same time, I was madly deeply in love with Samar.

I then thought to discuss it with Samar. I told him about my fears and also that I cannot continue this relationship because I cannot betray my parents. Samar felt very hurt after hearing this. He told me to at least discuss it with someone in my family, to whom I was very close. But my fears have trapped me inside them viciously due to which I was reluctant to bring this relationship in open. I thought it selfish to hurt my parents’ feelings. So we stopped talking to each other and WE PARTED WAYS APART.

As my parents were searching a groom for me, a few days later, my father asked me to meet the boy who my father liked very much. But my mental state was not allowing me to meet anybody and this time I decided to discuss about Samar with papa. But before that, I wanted to make sure of things from Samar’s side since we did not talk or meet for a long time. I dialed his number, but he did not pick up my call. I left him several messages, but no response. I begged him to talk to me at least once, but all in vain. Finally, he agreed to talk to me after my numerous begging attempts.

I told him about the constant head hunting for suitable proposal going on at my side from my parents. I also told him that I cannot marry anyone but him. I was in a very bad mental state. But this time also the Universe has decided to go against us. Samar told me calmly that I should go ahead with whatever my parents seek as good for me as he does not want to hurt any elder’s feelings or emotions for our sake. This time he was adamant and this was the second time that WE PARTED WAYS APART.

My Present- June 2017

The ringing door brought me back to my present. My alliance was an arranged marriage with the groom of my father’s choice. I am having a happy, fulfilling life, but my heart always aches to go back in the past and demands one more chance to correct the mistake which I have done which have hurt Samar so much. I never knew that comprising with my own happiness for the sake of others, instead of giving joy, will leave me with an everlasting pain and an unsolved mystery – What is love if it means so much agony?

I also understood the fact that “It cannot be over if it was your first love” when today we got back in touch after both of our marriage and Samar told me that he is still in love with me and he cannot forgive himself for the mistake he had done. He is also living in pain, even though life has given him everything which a middle-class man wants for his happiness.

And this time again, for the sake of our post-marriage families, we have compromised and WE HAVE PARTED WAYS APART but in the entire process our hearts have got exchanged with each other forever till eternity and we are not able to do justice with our spouses.

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9 Comments

  1. So touching –
    “for the sake of our post-marriage families, we have compromised and WE HAVE PARTED WAYS APART but in the entire process our hearts have got exchanged with each other forever till eternity and we are not able to do justice with our spouses” ….

    It is true Love – Some people will love each other until the day they die, spending the majority of their lives apart.

  2. This happens most times … due to our society and so called sanskars..
    A very debatable matter but a thin line separates lives far awat to regret for future..

  3. @Sawmya…..They have not done anything wrong with their spouses. They have compromised themselves and leading a responsible and healthy life with their partners. They have not even shown one sign which can be a matter of worry for their spouses..

  4. Terrible.
    I know nothing can be done now.
    but .if you can keep yourselves constantly engaged..
    ( I am assuming you are not working at present).
    if you can take up your teaching profession again..
    it keeps your mind away and at least for some time you will be better than being alone..all by urselves.
    rest.. hope time will be the best healer?!

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