Being in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy can leave you emotionally exhausted and drained. You may find yourself trying to salvage your relationship without compromising on your own needs. But without your partner ready to meet you halfway (as is the wont of people who lack empathy), it can be a hard road to walk, isn’t it? But coping with a complete lack of empathy in relationships is possible, with a few simple strategies.
In this article, we shed light on what those strategies are, in consultation with psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. In the process, we will also help you develop a better insight into the issue by addressing some critical questions— What is the lack of empathy meaning? How do you know if your partner lacks empathy? Why do some people lack empathy for their loved ones?
What Is Empathy In A Relationship?
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What is empathy, really? Well, it is, simply put, the ability to comprehend and value another person’s perspective, experience, and feelings by putting yourself in their shoes. Empathy is one of the most significant traits that one should look for before embarking on any relationship. In fact, the trait is highly effective in making a positive impression, and studies have proven that empathy, in general, “…can also promote better relationships with strangers” and play a crucial role in “mitigating bias and systemic racism.”
If empathy can help strangers bond, you can imagine how impactful it can be between partners. Dr. Bhonsle explains, “What is a relationship essentially? It is when two people from two vastly different backgrounds convene to work toward a shared goal. They come from different cultures and upbringings, possess starkly different outlooks and value systems, and have their unique approaches toward life.
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“Naturally, they don’t see eye to eye at all times. But they have to work together with common priorities in mind. Empathy comes into focus when they negotiate their differences while undertaking the journey of reaching shared relationship goals. It is the awareness of what is important to your partner.” Let’s take the help of an example to better comprehend this. Jason and Natasha have been dating for three years.
Natasha is quite religious, whereas Jason is an atheist. When Natasha’s father is hospitalized, she is devastated and anxious. Although Jason is not a believer, he encourages her to pray because religion is an important part of Natasha’s life and has the power to comfort her. It shows that he realizes that his belief system needs to take a backseat to Natasha’s well-being—even if it means endorsing something he does not subscribe to.
How important is empathy in a relationship?
Since we now know what empathy is, let’s see why it’s important in a relationship. How does empathy affect couples and is it really that crucial? The answer lies in how empathy helps couples resolve issues and foster better understanding:
- Empathy helps partners become kinder toward each other: With empathy, you are bound to be more respectful of each other’s choices and thus kinder toward each other
- It fosters better communication: Empathy helps you understand your partner better and leaves no room for miscommunication
- It makes conflict resolution easier: With empathy, you will learn to understand why someone made a mistake and forgive them easily
- It reduces judgment and aggression: You will turn into a less judgmental person, as you will know why people are the way they are
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The types of empathy in a relationship
Three types of empathy affect a relationship’s progress. They are affective, cognitive, and somatic. Let’s look at them in detail:
- Affective empathy: This is when an individual can grasp their partner’s emotions and respond appropriately. It is also called emotional empathy. For example, a woman observes her husband’s distress, feels concerned and anxious, brings over a cup of tea to comfort him, and gets him to share how he’s feeling. Affective empathy plays a key role in lending emotional support to a loved one
- Cognitive empathy: Cognitive empathy refers to a conscious intellectual activity. It is the ability to see things from the perspective of your partner but in a more rational way than an emotional one. For example, it’s when you understand their state of mind even in times of disagreement. Cognitive empathy is vital for a rational yet kind approach to conflicts and rough patches in the relationship
- Somatic empathy: This is a physiological reaction to your partner’s experience. For example, it’s when you get a stress headache because of your girlfriend’s poor health. Somatic empathy is a reflection of the individual’s investment in the bond and the well-being of the partner
Since affective empathy and somatic empathy are both driven by emotions and feelings, there’s a possibility for one to hyper-empathize. Have you ever seen your loved one cry, and in the process of consoling them, felt your eyes watering up? This heightened sense of empathy can lead you to become the overwhelmed emotional partner in a relationship.
On the other hand, since cognitive empathy is intellectually driven, it is extremely valuable in, say, a patient-doctor scenario. However, in a marriage or a relationship, a cognitive empathizer may under-empathize to some extent. When your partner needs you to listen to them and be sad with them, offering practical solutions may not be the most sensitive response. The right way to foster empathy in a relationship is to strike a balance among its different types and manifestations.
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What Causes Lack of Empathy
Now that we’ve touched up the meaning, importance, and types of empathy, there is no room for contention that it’s a crucial element for building healthy relationships. But why, then, do some people struggle to feel empathy for their partners?
Before we judge a person for not having enough empathy for their spouse/partner or any other person, we need to look at what causes lack of empathy. Multiple studies have proven that there is a direct correlation between narcissism and lack of empathy. Below are some other reasons why a person may show zero empathy:
- Past relationship trauma: When someone has experienced a lack of empathy in the past, they may go into survival mode in future relationships. In such cases, empathizing with their partner isn’t a priority
- Lack of affection in childhood: If a person hasn’t been given affection in childhood or has not had an empathetic role model to follow, they become callous toward the needs of others
- Mental health issues: A lot of mental health issues, such as narcissistic personality disorder and autism spectrum disorder, cause people suffering from them to lack empathy
- Self-centeredness: Excessively self-centered People don’t put anyone before themselves and usually lack empathy
- Judgmental attitude: Some people are judgmental and aren’t able to see things from other’s perspectives, which can make them unempathetic
- Brain injury: Studies indicate that brain lesions and injury can also lead to a loss of the ability to empathize
- Stress and anxiety: Another study points out that excessive stress leads to anxiety, which causes a lack of empathy in people
What Does Lack Of Empathy Do To A Relationship
What is lack of empathy in a relationship and how does it affect couples? Dr. Bhonsle explains, “You see, a relationship is like a musical duet. Each partner is in sync with the other. This happens only because they have communicated with and understood each other so well that one partner can read the other like the back of their hand. Lack of empathy obstructs this flow.”
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Someone who lacks empathy never makes an effort to understand and read their partner. The other partner ultimately stops communicating. What does a lack of empathy do to a relationship? Here are some effects of lack of empathy:
- It makes one partner disrespected and undervalued. There is no appreciation for them, and everything about them is taken for granted
- A partner who can not empathize will not be able to notice the efforts their partner makes in the relationship
- Lack of empathy causes frustration and stress for the partner at the receiving end
- Lack of empathy also sets the relationship up for sure-shot failure. How do you expect the relationship to work if there is no respect, no appreciation, and no nuanced communication – all of which stem from empathy?
9 Signs Of Lack Of Empathy In Your Relationship
Do you feel you’ve been giving too much of yourself in the relationship without getting much in return? Do you feel judged and misunderstood by your partner? Does your partner fail to offer comfort when you need it the most? These are all signs of lack of empathy in relationships. If you’ve been wondering how to tell if your partner lacks empathy, let’s take a deeper look at these tell-tale signs:
1. Your feelings are often invalidated
Dr. Bhonsle explains, “This is the most obvious sign of lack of empathy in relationships. An individual who is not empathetic will be dismissive of their partner’s feelings and will make them feel neglected in the relationship.” If your partner lacks empathy, they may end up saying:
- “You’re being too sensitive.”
- “Don’t overreact, this is nothing.”
- “You don’t know how to take a joke.”
Dr. Bhonsle adds, “Allow me to put it this way—if a person complains of chest pain, the first response is taking them to the hospital. There’s an urgency to investigate the reason behind the physical pain. This response ought to be the norm with emotional pain or turmoil too. Those who lack empathy are not ready to look into the feelings of others. It’s precisely why they make bad partners.”
The next time you voice your concerns about a misgiving, observe how your partner responds. Are they involved and interested in finding out why you feel the way you do? Or do they shrug and deem the conversation unimportant? You will have your answer to how to tell if your partner lacks empathy.
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2. You’re subjected to constant criticism
Here are some truth bombs about those who lack empathy:
- They have a hard time understanding others’ perspective
- They are quick to judge and criticize harshly
- They’re less tolerant and forgiveness in relationships is not their forte
- Their attitude is draining for those around them
Cathy, a 40-year-old banker from Washington who has been struggling in her relationship wonders if it is because her partner lacks empathy and compassion. She wrote to us, “The other day, I returned home after a long day at work and made myself a cup of coffee. Exhausted, I sat on the couch and accidentally spilled some coffee in the process. My partner instantly screamed at me for my carelessness without acknowledging my fatigue. He didn’t even offer to help me clean it up.”
3. Your partner is not open-minded
You’re dealing with an unempathetic person if they’re not not open-minded. Here’s what to watch out for:
- There’s a default setting in their head that makes them think that they’re right all the time
- They sincerely believe in the validity of their opinions and decisions
- They might be inflexible in their ways. Your point of view may be noted, but theirs will take precedence
- They’re entitled and used to having things their way
- They show an unwillingness to compromise in the marriage or relationship
Dr. Bhonsle explains “When people are not open-minded, there can be two reasons: an upbringing where you were brought up without empathy, or an upbringing where you were sheltered excessively. Any childhood that lies on either of these two extremes can shape individuals to become unempathetic. Gender stereotypes also play a role. For instance, guys who lack empathy as adults were told, “Boys don’t cry”, when they were kids. They are now dysfunctional adults who struggle with relationships.”
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4. They deliberately disrespect you
Dr. Bhonsle says, “Making intentional choices that hurt their partner or stand in stark contrast to their values and beliefs is a trait of those who lack empathy. It’s very, very deliberate and the motive is to irk the other person. There’s a certain sense of malignancy behind these actions, and you have a problem at hand that requires urgent attention.”
This is the lack of empathy meaning you MUST know. Your partner will cross you knowingly for the most trivial things. For example, if you’re a polite person who believes in thanking people for the job they do, you will find your partner doing the exact opposite. Imagine you’re at a restaurant, where your partner intentionally insults the waiter or snaps their fingers at them. This behavior is an insult to your values and preferences. Such instances reflect a lack of empathy in relationships and are a show of hostility from your partner. Pay attention to these warning signs of toxicity.
5. Your partner tends to blow things out of proportion
An unempathetic person’s knee-jerk reactions are just ‘too extra’. This is how to tell if your partner lacks empathy – they blow things out of proportion. When there is a lack of empathy in relationships, the response is not in proportion to the event that has taken place.
This sign is an offshoot of being critical and disrespectful. At their core, abusive and unhealthy relationships also lack empathy. Toxic individuals overreact when they face an inconvenience, but downplay their partner’s problems. Think back to the last fight you had. Do you remember telling your partner to calm down? Did you feel they were overreacting while you were trying to see their point of view anyway? If yes, then it’s clear that you’re trying to save a relationship when your partner lacks empathy, and gosh, you must be tired.
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6. There’s a lack of appreciation
You simply cannot build a healthy relationship without gratitude for what your partner brings to the table. An absence of appreciation will lead to constant arguments and fights. When there is a lack of empathy in relationships, people don’t acknowledge each other’s efforts and sacrifices.
It all boils down to the entitlement of the unempathetic partner. A reader from Texas, 32-year-old accountant Alice, wrote to us about her unempathetic partner, “I could sense that something was going wrong for a while but didn’t know how to put a finger on it. My actions went unnoticed and I felt very inadequate. It seemed like nothing I did was enough. After a while, I realized that my partner was the problem. Men who lack empathy aren’t self-aware, but I decided that he must do better. After many, many conversations, we overcame the issue and we’re now 7 years into our relationship.”
7. You are blamed for your problems
Men or women who lack empathy tend to think that problems occur because people ‘deserve’ them. My cousin, Ryan, firmly believes that people invite problems for themselves. And he also thinks that he could have handled those problems better. A belief in one’s competency is great, but this is a stretch for sure.
When a person operates from this point of view, they end up being harsh and critical of others in their times of distress. Here are some examples of how an unempathetic partner makes the other feel like their problems are their own fault:
- If you ever go to your partner with a problem, their first question probably begins with, “Why did you – ?” This is because they’ve automatically assumed that the fault is yours
- Your phone crashes, and they ask you, “Why did you upgrade to a more recent model when I asked you to?”
- A coworker provokes you and they say, “Why did you let him get inside your head?”
- There’s an underlying tone of “I told you so” in each response
8. There’s a lack of accountability
Accountability is a must for conflict resolution and healthy and open communication in relationships. It is not possible to lead a happy life when your partner is in constant denial about their mistakes. Not only do they refuse to apologize, but they also invalidate the premise of your complaint. Their motto is: what you feel has nothing to do with me.
Dr. Bhonsle says, “There’s no scope of working on the relationship without the individual assuming responsibility for their actions. They have to understand that their decisions affect others in the vicinity. There is a cause-and-effect relationship in motion. Without this cognizance, they will continue to make self-centered choices.”
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9. Your partner is emotionally unavailable
Recall the concept of affective empathy. It is an individual’s capacity to read others’ emotions and respond in an appropriate fashion. Those who lack empathy are not good pillars of emotional support in relationships. Here’s why:
- They don’t understand how good or bad someone is feeling. They might mistake sorrow for anger
- Their responses are not exactly appropriate. For instance, those who lack empathy crack jokes at the wrong moment
- During difficult periods in your life, they might fail at offering comfort or consolation
11 Ways To Cope With A Partner Who Lacks Empathy
Now that you know all about the signs your partner lacks empathy, let’s find out how to cope with it. This is a true test of patience. When a couple is lacking empathy in a relationship, there is no quick-fix solution. But if you want to make the relationship work, you have to be prepared to put in the work.
Dr. Bhonsle elaborates, “It takes hard work to save a relationship that lacks empathy. But with consistent effort, you can teach empathy to an individual. The surface-level practices are: listening better, thinking before responding, being more tolerant of new ideas and ways, etc. On a deeper level, and it takes a little time, the individual’s mindset is worked upon by resolving issues of the past.”
Here are 11 ways of coping with a lack of empathy in relationships.
1. Communicate with your partner
Quite often, a person stops trying to fix things with an unempathetic partner. They just give in to the way things are. This is how people remain locked in dysfunctional marriages or relationships for years, with one partner compromising their needs and desires instead of conveying their feelings in a rational and assertive manner.
Dr. Bhonsle says, “You’ll have to communicate diplomatically. If you go about this in an emotionally-driven way, your partner will dismiss you again. Don’t be dramatic in your approach. If you can’t make them see the impact of lack of empathy, impress upon them the repercussions of their actions. Your partner might not see why being unempathetic is a problem but they will understand that their behavior could lead to the end of your relationship.”
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2. Don’t blame yourself
It’s easy to start finding faults with yourself and your actions when your partner gaslights and criticizes you. Hold your ground and don’t turn against yourself. A partner or spouse’s emotional baggage is not something you have to take the blame for. Maintaining your emotional equilibrium is extremely important in such a situation. If you fail to preserve your emotional/mental health, the circumstances will start to chip away at your self-esteem.
To be in a relationship with a partner who lacks empathy is no easy feat. Being taken for granted, always giving, living with your efforts unacknowledged and unappreciated—a relationship without basic empathy can frustrate you to no end. Give yourself credit instead of criticizing your actions.
3. Combat a lack of empathy in relationships with empathy
Turkish-American cardiac surgeon, politician, and TV host Mehmet Oz once said, “The opposite of anger is not calmness, it’s empathy.” In moments of rage, try to understand that your partner is a product of their experiences.
Their unempathetic approach is a direct result of what they have experienced in life. While this does not give them a license to misbehave or be inconsiderate, it serves as an explanation for their conduct. Once you comprehend what causes lack of empathy, you will be more willing to support their efforts as they unlearn.
4. Never take things personally
The first step to looking out for yourself is not taking anything personally or negatively when you find out the signs your partner lacks empathy. Their actions or speech are not a reflection of your inabilities.
Be very clear on this front: the minute you start to let their negative words affect your life, you will undergo an emotional roller-coaster ride. You will start believing you need to fix yourself. No one should change the fundamental aspects of their personality because of a lack of empathy in relationships.
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5. Seek professional help to save a relationship when your partner lacks empathy
Dr. Bhonsle says, “Relationship counseling helps couples work on a partner’s unempathetic approach. You can address a lot of questions there, like: Are those who lack empathy living in a state of bitterness? Were they brought up in an intensely competitive environment? Or were they born with a silver spoon in their mouth, privileged to the point of being spoiled? Communication between the partners can flow healthily when a mental health professional is present.”
If you’re struggling to navigate a relationship bereft of empathy, seeking professional help can help you emerge stronger. To know more, connect with licensed counselors and psychologists on Bonobology’s panel.
6. Enforce boundaries
When you’re in a relationship with a person with no empathy, prepare to prioritize yourself. This is applicable in situations where you have seen a marked lack of empathy signs and are undergoing emotional, physical, or psychological abuse. Draw and enforce relationship boundaries right away to safeguard your well-being.
If you think that your partner’s lack of empathy poses a direct threat to your safety, consider walking away from the relationship. Remember, both people have to be willing to save a relationship that lacks empathy.
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7. Practice active listening
A lack of empathy can stem from various reasons. To ascertain what exactly is causing it, you need to practice listening better. This is how to go about it:
- Listen with the intention of getting to know the reasons for their lack of empathy
- Pay attention to non-verbal cues. You can understand what people feel about you by the way they talk and conduct themselves
8. Be vulnerable
To improve the empathetic quotient in your relationship, you need to be more open to emotions. Don’t be scared to be vulnerable with your partner. Let your guard down (yes, it can be hard if your partner is used to invalidating your emotions, but try), and make them see your raw side.
You can use your emotional quotient to steer your relationship in the right direction. For instance, Debbie, a 35-year-old teacher from Texas, wrote to us: “Last week, I argued with my partner after he forgot to mail an important package for me. Instead of taking accountability, he lashed out at me for overreacting and then went on to skip meals to express his anger. My first instinct was to respond in kind and give him the silent treatment.
“But then, I decided to see what’d happen if I didn’t ignore him or show I was still irritated. I asked him what he’d like for dinner, and he melted. He told me he was stressed about work and had completely forgotten about it.” As you can see, you need to show your emotions to get them to open up too.
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9. Observe your partner
You will learn a lot about your partner if you just decide to observe them. If your partner has displayed lack of empathy signs, pay close attention to their behavior during and after the act and ask yourself:
- What did you learn about observing their activities after the decision?
- Were they compelled to make the decision due to some personal issues?
- What would you have done in a similar situation?
This will offer you a lot of insight into the underlying cause of their lack of empathy and may help you navigate similar situations better in the future. Besides, when you discuss this issue with them, you will be better equipped to offer tangible examples of where exactly the problem lies.
10. Help your partner generate empathy
As a conscious partner, you need to help your partner develop the ability to empathize. Don’t just limit it to their actions in the relationship. Even if your partner is being judgmental toward others, sit down and have a talk. Discuss why you think they shouldn’t be judging others. This way, they would be able to empathize when they are in tough situations with you. Here is one example:
Your girlfriend gets angry while reading the news about an actor divorcing his wife of 10 years after having a whirlwind extramarital affair with a co-star. She starts criticizing the actor and his decision. You pitch in, saying he may have had his reasons, and she has no clue whether their marriage was a toxic one.
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11. Ask them to help
When a person inherently lacks empathy, they may not know how to react or pitch in, in certain situations. In such situations, you may need to be more vocal about your needs. It’s absolutely fine to ask them to help you out with something you’re struggling with or to lend an ear or a shoulder for you. If your partner makes an effort to meet your needs, it’s an encouraging sign that they are making an effort to be better.
Key Pointers
- Empathy is the ability to sense and understand other people’s emotions and feelings. It is a key cornerstone of healthy relationships
- Lack of empathy can be caused by past trauma, brain injury, and mental health issues
- The lack of empathy signs include disrespect, lack of appreciation, and lack of accountability
- Some ways to cope with a partner who lacks empathy are: being vulnerable, listening to them, and not taking things personally
Final Thoughts
Here we come to the end of this comprehensive guide on lack of empathy in relationships. We’re sure you’re now acquainted with the answers to the question, “What is lack of empathy?”, and are equipped to take the challenges related to this issue head-on. Remember never to judge a person who is unable to show empathy. That would make you unempathetic too. Instead, learn to spot the lack of empathy signs and try to unearth the underlying reasons behind it. Countering a lack of empathy with an empathetic approach is your best bet at salvaging a relationship and working toward a healthier, more wholesome bond.
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