All of us like to be in control of things, but this is clearly not always possible. And when the uncertainty gets out of hand, we are faced with the fiend of insecurity. When you’ve been a counselor for a significant period of time, you learn how insecurity plays a key role in almost all relationship problems.
Every single person out there has struggled with feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, and people tend to carry these with them when they start dating. The ‘whys’ of it can be tricky to figure out, and overcoming insecurity is also complex. and I’m here to help with these 9 reasons you’re so insecure in your relationship.
Grappling with insecurity is never easy because it demands a lot of introspection. But if you’re here, reading, then you’ve already taken the courageous first step. So let us begin this journey together which will help you understand yourself a little more by finding an answer to “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”
What Are The Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship?
Has your partner been telling you that you are acting insecure? Your knee-jerk reaction must have been denial. “No, of course not. I’m not insecure.” And I’ve heard a lot of clients say the same when they’re confronted with their behavior during therapy for insecurity in relationships.
In fact, a lot of them turn the tables on their partners, accusing them of insecurity instead. Coming to terms with our own patterns can be challenging. What makes a woman insecure in a relationship, you ask?
There are certain signs all insecure people display; going through them will be a lot like standing in front of a mirror. I urge you to spot the similarities with honesty because this is a safe space. Here are a few signs that show you’re insecure in your relationship:
Related Reading: How To Stop Worrying About Your Relationship — 8 Expert Tips
1. Trust issues – Why so anxious?
Do you find yourself doubting everything your partner says? Are your follow-up questions sounding like an interrogation? Are you fighting the temptation to check his phone? Or have you already done it?
Facing difficulties in placing trust on your partner is a certain sign of insecurity. You are struggling to place your faith in him and this generates a lot of anxiety. Insecurity corrodes us from within. We think, Am I not enough? Is he cheating on me? Anxiety caused by insecurity can also be the reason behind your mood swings, irritability, distraction, panic, and anger.
Many people are torn between wondering if they’re paranoid, or actually being cheated on. This is a really damaging mental space to occupy.
2. Always on the defense
Most individuals, when dealing with insecurity, feel attacked by their partners. A lot of times their defensive behavior is unwarranted because they have misconstrued what was being said to them.
If you find yourself offering justifications for no reason or taking things personally, you need to sit with yourself and recalibrate. A lot of women say, “My partner makes me feel insecure with his taunts.” But is the offense you’re taking, actually being given?
Maybe you’re reading into things because you are projecting your issues. The question you should be asking yourself is, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”
3. A need for constant attention
Here’s a hypothetical situation: Your boyfriend decides to spend his weekend with his friends instead of you. You both just saw each other, and he would like to catch up with his gang. He informs you that he’s got plans.
How do you react? Are you hurt or angry that he won’t spend all his time with you? If yes, then you’re insecure in your relationship. You have trouble accepting the fact that people lead individual lives even when they’re dating. If you’re a clingy girlfriend to a severe extent, maybe you are not ready for a relationship.
Requiring or demanding attention constantly are unhealthy indicators of insecurity. Tracing their cause is very important for the long run.
4. (Over)Reacting a lot
A major drawback of insecurity is the overthinking, and consequent overreaction it causes. Making mountains out of molehills, incessant nagging or aggression are not healthy behaviors.
I’d like to mark an important difference between ‘responding’ and ‘reacting’. A response is a well-thought-out answer, while a reaction is an emotionally-driven one. Our cognition drives response, while our emotion drives reaction.
If you reflexively or naturally react to your partner in a suspicious or hostile manner, I invite you to transition to response. Since unlearning our habits is a long process, what we can do meanwhile, is think before acting them out.
Related Reading: Am I A Jealous Spouse? How To Deal With Jealousy And Insecurity
5. So close and yet so far
Insecurity creates a paradox. On one hand, you may be acting clingy, but on the other, you have trouble with intimacy. You might be struggling with being your authentic self around your partner. Are you wondering if he will accept you for who you are?
Being vulnerable takes much bravery, but it is a step we have to take in our relationships to strengthen them. It’s time to ask, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?” Problems with emotional and physical intimacy are sure-shot signs of an insecure individual.
After going through these signs, you must have gotten a clear idea of where you stand. The next step is figuring out the reason behind your insecurity.
Wondering Why Am I So Insecure In My Relationship? 9 Reasons To Consider
Like I’ve said before, the reasons behind insecurity can be complex and varied. Pin-pointing them is a bit of a challenge, but here are 9 most common causes. These will help you grasp why you’ve been feeling this way. You’re correct in asking, “Why am I so insecure in my relationship?”
Try and see these with an open-mind. Set the intention that you want to better yourself, and these 9 reasons are a step toward your wellbeing. So, what makes a woman insecure in a relationship?
1. Your own beliefs– Are there any grounds for you to be insecure?
Nine times out of ten, our own perceptions are responsible for how we feel. Firstly, what is your idea of a relationship? Your belief system will determine how you approach dating. You think you’re being cheated on, but maybe your man is unhappy with the relationship. Issues like the latter can be worked on with counselling.
If your personal idea of seeing someone is having no social contact beyond them, your insecurities will be greater. You will have more grounds for feeling insecure because your view of a relationship is kind of limited.
If your outlook is broader, and you are usually not inclined toward feeling threatened in a relationship, you can consider whether your concerns are valid. There is always a possibility that you’re right. Just be very certain to examine the scenario objectively.
Related Reading: 8 Most Common Causes Of Insecurity
2. Childhood trauma and attachment style
The past isn’t as far behind as we think it to be. Your insecurity could be rooted in childhood issues: sexual or physical abuse, emotional abuse, the loss of a parent, neglect, prolonged illness, bullying, divorce of parents, etc.
Aa adults we tend to project them on our partners in the form of wanting more love and attention, or second-guessing their moves. Research by Mary Ainsworth has long shown how our attachment styles are formulated in childhood itself.
A common thing said by women who deal with insecurity stemming from childhood trauma is, “My boyfriend unintentionally makes me feel insecure.” The word ‘unintentional’ is key, because past trauma is making you construe these actions in a certain way.
You can resolve these problems because therapy for insecurity in relationships is always a good option. Bonobology is happy to help with any and all issues you’re facing.
3. Previous (bad) experiences
Dating disasters of previous relationships can exercise a lot of influence on us. Maybe your ex gave you a very good reason to be suspicious. Partners who cheat, lie or gaslight can leave a lasting footprint on our behavior.
During sessions I often hear women say that “My ex used to make feel insecure about my body.” Or, “My partner made me feel insecure by texting other women.”
Overcoming these can be very tough, but ultimately, it is your life that insecurity damages. What makes a woman insecure in a relationship is scars that haven’t yet healed. Being cheated on changes you immensely, and recovery is difficult. You may think that even the current relationship won’t pan out.
4. A low self-esteem
How can one expect to feel confident in a relationship if they aren’t confident about themselves? Low self-worth can create numerous problems in a relationship. It may look like you’re skeptical about your partner, but in reality, it is your own self you’re doubting.
If you’re an individual who as low self-esteem, you keep thinking that you aren’t good enough. Your insecurity develops because you think – since I’m not good enough, he must be with someone else to make up for my flaws. You may feel insecure in a new relationship especially. But this can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors if not handled with care.
You ask, why am I so insecure in my relationship? I say it’s because you’re insecure about yourself. You have to work on yourself and strive toward becoming a self-sufficient individual. Once you start feeling enough by yourself, believe me, you can take on the world!
5. Do you love yourself enough?
Self-love is a part of the most important relationship of our life – the one with our own selves. No one can compensate the lack of self-love, and it is a task we have to accomplish by ourselves. The first step toward self-love is acceptance.
Before we talk about, “My husband made me feel insecure about my body”, I want you to address whether you feel insecure, irrespective of him.
Do you accept yourself in entirety, flaws and all? If not, this could be the root of your insecurity. Embrace your own self (like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love) before you expect your partner to do so. Finding satisfaction externally comes after you are content on the inside.
6. Lack of communication with your partner
Another solid reason behind insecurity is a lack of communication between you and your boyfriend. Perhaps, you’ve both been busy or been having a few problems. Either way, the conversations have stopped happening.
Since you’re not in touch with each other (emotionally), you’re feeling insecure regarding the relationship. This is a problem which can be addressed by sitting down and having a difficult talk. I urge you to listen better, rather than just putting your own points forward.
I hate to bring up a cliché, but communication is key. A relationship cannot and will not function in a healthy manner unless you’re willing to talk. Therapy for insecurity in relationship is always available.
7. Changes in your relationship
Each relationship goes through phases of development. It also has its rough patches. If your relationship has transitioned from a casual one to a serious one or from a live-in to a marriage, insecurity may be stemming from this change.
Adapting to a new couple dynamic can take a while. As you settle into it, you may feel a teeny bit insecure. Individuals who’ve just begun dating may feel insecure in a new relationship.
As far as the dreadful rough patches are concerned, they’ll pass, taking the insecurity with them. However, if you’ve diagnosed your relationship problems to be more severe, do reach out to a professional for help.
Related Reading: 8 Ways To Overcome Insecurity In A Relationship
8. The dream of a picture-perfect life
I came across this splendid quote on Facebook by Steven Furtick the other day. “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Maybe you suffer from the malady of perfectionism. Your idea of a relationship is borrowed from the movies and is picture-perfect. If you’re just realizing that actual relationships are different than fictional ones, you may be feeling insecure.
When you ask, why am I so insecure in my relationship? I tell you that the movies, books, or social media are never points of reference. A real relationship has its highs and lows, some of which you have no control over. Get comfortable with the fact that not everything has to be right.
9. Social anxiety
And finally, maybe you suffer from social anxiety. This can be causing your low self-confidence, your constant worrying, and your insecurity. Social anxiety affects all areas of your life, in ways you cannot begin to imagine.
If you’re someone who has social anxiety, your fear of rejection and judgement will be significantly higher, leading to greater insecurity. Therapy and counselling are great ways to cope with social anxiety as they equip you with the right tools.
We come to the end of our expedition into the murky waters of insecurity. It is my sincere hope that I have been of help, and have resolved your queries.
Depending on your self-assessment of the cause, you can take actions to start the process of healing. You should work on your insecurity for healthier and stronger relationships. But a good place to begin would be examining your bond with yourself.
Really look into how you feel about yourself. Work on building your self-esteem, spend some time with yourself, and love yourself. You should also address these concerns to your partner.
A relationship works with the efforts of two people, and he should pitch in to do whatever he can to make you feel safer and secure. I would advise you to consider therapy or counselling too. We at Bonobology are always available to help you overcome your insecurity.