Insecurity in relationships, if left unattended, will result in the untimely demise of the relationship. As humans, feeling jealous or possessive is deemed natural. Being overly insecure about small matters when you are in a relationship can affect both of you. If little references to his ex make you sweat, or bad cellular connectivity got you thinking the worst in your partner that makes you act in a way people might call you a ‘tad crazy’, your insecurity has left you in shambles.
Insecurity in a relationship means you overthink about aspects of your relationship (when there is absolutely nothing to worry about). Insecurities can make you work harder in a relationship, let it blossom in a brighter colour but too much of it can be toxic; to you and your partner. Sometimes, dealing with insecurities can be tiring and exhausting to your partner. Too much of it can even end a relationship.
In this age of social media and instant connectivity, it’s easy to feel insecure. If your partner had episodes of infidelity in the past, it’s normal to feel insecure about them. Consider opting out of the relationship than dealing with your insecurities.
But in a relationship where your partner has done nothing for you to be suspicious of and you still wrack your brains over the quality of your relationship, the issue lies more with you than with them.
If you are in a healthy relationship but still don’t feel content in it, is it the insecurity from your past that’s wreaking havoc on your present relationship? Or is it your chronic insecurity acting up? Here are a few signs of insecurity in a relationship.
10 Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship
From checking up on your partner constantly to getting hyper if your partner has a friendly chat with a colleague of the opposite gender, the signs of insecurity can manifest in various ways.
1. Constantly checking up on your partner
Needing to know where your partner is, every minute of every day impacts the relationship in a bad way. It’s your insecurity bubbling to the brim and your partner doesn’t have space to breathe because you are always encroaching in their time and space.
2. Always wanting to do things together
Do you plan your weekends with your bae? Do you also make weekday after-work dinner or movie plans with your partner? People who are insecure in relationships feel the need to spend every waking hour together.
3. Get mad when they do things/ go places without you
Your partner making plans with his friends (excluding you) make you spiral down a road of jealousy and emotions? Getting mad at your partner for having a life of their own, only points out you how FOMO-ed you are really.
4. The ex-talk gets you cranky and moody
Everyone wants to know about the person who came before you, and it’s pretty natural. Even though you want to know what kind of person the ex was and how they broke up, you tend to get overworked whenever the name pops up (sometimes, you are the one to bring up the name to see how your partner reacts). Then when they say something you start reacting more.
Related reading: My boyfriend still talks to his ex. What should I do?
5. You find yourself stalking your partner’s social accounts
Oh! How easy it is to scroll through the old Instagram posts to awaken the Kraken of insecurity. Social stalking has given a new rise to insecurities. The deeper you go in their posts, the more comments you read, the stronger your insecurities get.
6. And sometimes, even snooping on their phone
You probably know it’s wrong. You probably know you won’t find anything to substantiate your insecurity in the relationship, but chronic insecurity gets the better of you.
7. You need constant assurance that you are the one
With all the negative thoughts and emotions in your head and heart, you constantly need your partner to assure you of their deliverance in the relationship. You need the validation to get through your day and suddenly, even them telling you you’re the one for them is not enough. You might nod and smile but, in your head, you are already thinking of other ways to substantiate your emotions.
8. Their friendliness puts you off
Even a hug for a friend puts you in a cranky mood and before you know it you start thinking your partner has side feelings for this person. The quality – your partner’s platonic friendliness – that made you like him in the first place is suddenly the reason you stay awake at night.
Related reading: My boyfriend is a flirt
9. You don’t like confrontation
You don’t want to have any confrontational conversations with your partner. For you, confrontation means fights and ugliness of the relationship coming forth. But every healthy relationship relies on speaking your mind but your internalized thought process has already been juiced up by your insecurities and you don’t want to provoke them.
10. You find deeper meaning in their responses
“I don’t want to go out tonight” – A simple, honest reply can throw you off the bed and you read too much into the response. You feel you are not enough and that your relationship is falling apart. Likewise, replies like, “My mother really liked you” also spells doom for the relationship. You feel your partner is overcompensating for the fact that his mother actually didn’t like you. You just cannot accept a forthright honest reply.
Your irrational thoughts and fears can render you in a sinking feeling of chronic insecurity. But all is not lost, there are a few things that you can do to save yourself and in turn, save your relationship.
Related reading: I Feel My Insecurity Could Ruin My Relationship with My Boyfriend
8 Ways To Overcome Insecurity In Relationships
Seeing problems when they do not exist, self-doubting, feeling like you are losing control and other such signs indicate you need to work on your insecurity problems. You need to take control of what you think and feel, and how you reflect those thoughts. It can be challenging at first, but a conscious approach would help you live your best life. Here’s how to start.
1. Asses yourself before and build your self-esteem
Your insecurity is your self-built inferno. It is like a yeast infection – easy to catch but hard to get rid of.
Analyse the reasons why are you being insecure. Insecurity is more about your esteem of yourself rather than of your partner. Before you try and make your relationship perfect, work on yourself. Practice self-care. Pamper yourself. Or do things that keep you out of your comfort zone. Boost your self-esteem. Next time you feel like shirking away from a social gathering, try and go there instead. Take baby steps.
2. Let go of the past
Does your insecurity in the relationship stem from the fact that you had a compulsive cheater as your partner in the past? In that case, your insecurity has a legit reason. But equating your current partner with your ex and not being able to see your partner as a genuinely good person is living in the past. Not letting go of your past is not good for your present relationship, for you, or for your partner. Work on it. Therapy might help you heal if your past relationships have left you insecure about love and relationships.
3. Pursue interests of your own
Next time you pass by a couple’s cooking class, or a dance class for two, lean in and say NO. It is very crucial to have and pursue interests that do not involve your partner. It is not a personal slight to your partner but more of a lesson to teach yourself to have a life of your own. Your partner is not the sun and you are not the lonely planet of the solar system. Your whole life cannot and should not, revolve around him or her. It’s going to be difficult but keeps at it and you will get better.
4. Take a break from social media
As Maa used to say “Facebook will be the death of you”. Recluse yourself from social media, be it FB or Instagram, or Twitter, where it is easy to spot a few happy couples and think your relationship is not fun enough. The enviable relationships on social media are not always as portrayed but your insecurity ridden brain might not see it that way. Do yourself a favour and log out of all social media for a change. If that’s too much to ask, unfollow a few accounts that make you feel inadequate about your relationship.
Related reading: 5 things men do to make a woman feel insecure
5. Confide in a friend
Share your innermost negative thoughts with your trusted pals. Grab a bottle of pinot and blabber it all out to your confidante. The thoughts that seem so valid in your head might look lesser so when you voice them out.
6. It’s okay to take a breather
Give your partner and yourself some space. Ask your partner if it’s okay if you don’t meet up for a few days. Take a step back and give yourself some space.
You can repeat step 5 while you are at it.
7. Please, please do not overthink
The dark eye bags prove you are up all night overthinking if your partner is cheating on you with his high school friend. It might not be as easy to control your mind but try and engage yourself in activities and don’t allow your idle brain to cook up some random holy-cow deductions.
Related reading: Over-thinking ruins relationships
8. Be open for conversations
As an insecure person, you might not want to be in any confrontational (or controversial) topics but try and open up to your partner about the things that make you insecure. The aspects of the relationship, something that your partner did that made you insecure – things like that. An understanding partner won’t just reassure you but try to make things easier for you as well. But while you are at it, do not make a habit of having your partner reassure you every time you feel insecure.
Gradually, as you let go of your insecurity, you will experience reduced stress and your relationship satisfaction level will increase.