Breakups can be really tough, and finding yourself whispering “I still love my ex” in the quiet moments is surprisingly common. You might lie awake at 2 AM replaying old memories, or feel a knot in your stomach whenever you see a place you used to visit together. These feelings can leave you wondering, “Is it normal to still love my ex?” and “Why do I still love my ex, even after all that happened?” The honest answer is yes – many people go through this.
It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It just means you cared deeply, and your heart needs time to heal. In this article, we’ll walk you through why it’s a natural, if painful, part of the breakup process, and also empower you with practical tips and ideas for moving forward. Think of this as a supportive friend sitting down to help you sort through those complicated “I love my ex” feelings and figure out what to do next.
I Still Love My Ex—Alex’s Story
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Alex, 24, has been having a hard time moving on ever since his partner of four years, Jamie, decided to part ways with her. The two had been together since college. In this time, the late-night talks, weekend trips, and shared dreams has become such an inherent part of Alex’s life that even six months after the relationship ended, she feels a gaping void in her life.
The breakup was messy; there were tears and arguments. Out of the blue, or what felt like out of the blue to Alex, Jamie said it felt like she had changed and ended things. After a couple of months, Alex tried to move on and put herself back on the dating scene. She even went on dates and started seeing someone new a few months later. On the face of it, it seems like all is well, she’s moving forward, one day, one step at a time. But, at night, she often catches herself thinking, “I love my ex-boyfriend.” Or in a quiet moment, asks herself, “I still love my ex, why can’t I forget them?”
She frequents the cafe she and Jamie used to go to on Sunday mornings. The smell of coffee is the same, and she half-expects to see him sitting at your old table. Sometimes, she scrolls through photos of their last vacation together, wishing things were different. On a tough day, she yearns to text him or listen to “their song” on repeat. Among it all, is guilt of being unfair to her new partner. The question, “Why am I still in love with my ex when I have a new partner now?”, eats her up on the inside. It’s almost as if she’s cheating on her partner with a person who is no longer in her life.
This guilt, confusion, and conflicting feelings are all too common when a person is dealing with heartbreak. When Alex shared her story with Bonobology, psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle responded to her, saying, “This conflict is not unusual. After all, there is a lot of pressure to get over someone once they’re out of your life, but the truth is, your brain isn’t a light switch. It doesn’t just turn off because a relationship ended. All those years of shared experiences and routines don’t disappear instantly.”
The details can keep coming back: a certain song playing on the radio, a smell, or an anniversary. In those moments, you feel that pull, that aching warmth of love that didn’t just evaporate, and might even find yourself thinking, “I still really love my ex, we had a great connection…” It’s painful and confusing, especially if you’re trying to build something new or move forward.”
The bottom line is, this is the story of many people. You are not alone in this. Many who’ve gone through breakups find that in the weeks, months, or even years after, parts of them are still stuck back in the past relationship. It’s like having one foot out the door and one foot still inside the relationship. You may question yourself constantly: “Will I ever get over my ex?” “Am I the only one feeling this way?” Dr. Bhonsle says, “These feelings are a normal part of losing someone who was close to you. It’s part of the emotional healing process after the breakup ,and it will ease over time if you take steps to care for yourself and gradually let go.”
Related Reading: 9 Reasons You Miss Your Ex And 5 Things You Can Do About It
Is It Normal To Still Love My Ex?
Absolutely, yes. It might feel scary or even shameful to admit it, but many relationship experts confirm that carrying love for an ex is totally normal. Psychologist Ernesto Lira de la Rosa says, “If you still love an ex, that is normal and OK. The love you had doesn’t vanish overnight, your heart and brain need time to adjust.”
Think of it like grieving any other loss. Just as you would grieve the loss of a loved one who passed away, ending a significant relationship causes a similar emotional and even physiological response. Your feelings will eventually change, but until then, it’s okay to give yourself patience and understanding. Below are some key points to keep in mind about why this happens:
- Memories of the “good ol’ days”: You and your ex built a lot of shared history: inside jokes, favorite places, tender moments. Your mind naturally focuses on the happy memories and downplays the bad ones. When memories linger, it’s easy to keep loving the person associated with them. In fact, nostalgia might heighten the good memories and make you forget the bad ones. For example, you might replay moments like laughing together, but not the fights, making the ex feel idealized
- You’re still adjusting to the loss: Ending a relationship is losing a part of your daily life and future plans. Research shows that on average, it can take around 4 years for half of the emotional bond to fade. Some people never fully stop feeling some connection at all. So the fact that you’re still holding on is actually normal. You’re grieving the end of what was once important
- You crave familiarity: Humans are wired for attachment. Your brain gets used to the routine of calling each other, texting, and seeing that person daily. When that stops, it creates a vacuum. It’s like craving the comfort of an old habit. Dr. Bhonsle says, “Your brain can even feel a withdrawal from that lost connection, so your body and mind push those feelings to the surface.”
- You’re not broken or weak: Feelings for an ex are not a sign of weakness or being broken. It just means you loved them deeply. Many people, even years later, say things like “I still love him” or “I can’t stop thinking about her.” It can feel lonely, but it’s actually a very common experience
And yes, you will eventually heal. The strong feelings don’t last forever. Over time, the intensity fades. Keep in mind that feeling this way means you’re human and have a capacity to love. It just means you’re at an early stage of the breakup recovery process.
Related Reading: What Does It Mean To Dream About Your Ex?
How To Get Over An Ex You Still Love — 7 Tips
Now that we’ve acknowledged these feelings as normal, let’s talk about what you can do to start moving forward. The journey will take time, and it’s not a straight line. There will be good days and bad days. But there are concrete steps you can take to help ease the pain and eventually let go. We bring some 7 such expert-backed tips to help you take that first step toward letting go of someone you love. Remember to go at your own pace, and lean on the strategies that feel right for you.
1. Lean on your support network
When your heart is aching, isolation can make things worse. Your support system is crucial after a breakup. They can listen, distract you, or just sit quietly with you. For example, you might call a close friend and say, “I’m having a really hard day,” and just vent or even cry. This isn’t emotional dumping, it’s healthy venting. Dr. Bhonsle emphasizes, “Connecting with others will make you feel less lonely. At this stage, I strongly advise anyone struggling with lingering feelings to try building new friendships or leaning into existing ones. Accept every social invitation you can and go out there.” So,
- Reach out to someone you trust and say you’re struggling
- Join a club, class, or even an online support community, even a subreddit or forum, to talk with people who get it
- If friends invite you out, consider going even if you’d rather not. Being around kind people can shift your mood
This also proves effective if you’re dealing with guilt and confusion over a situation like, “I’m in a relationship but still love my ex.” Even with a new partner, talk to your own friends about your feelings. Sometimes just hearing, “I’ve been there and you’ll be okay,” can be surprisingly comforting. Engaging with your support network gives you new perspectives and reminds you of all the love in your life.
2. Allow yourself to grieve, but set a limit
It’s natural to want to cry it out and mope after a breakup. Allow yourself to feel sad and angry for a bit. These are real emotions and part of the breakup recovery process. In fact, therapist Pella Weisman notes, “Breakups can be heart-wrenching and you should let yourself feel the pain rather than bottling it up.” It might help to binge-watch sad movies or eat comfort ice cream for a day or two. Let it out and don’t shame yourself for tears or melancholy.
However, it’s equally important not to stay stuck in the pain forever. Dr. Bhonsle advises, “While it’s okay to spend a few days just crying and being with your feelings, you should give yourself a timeline: maybe a week of wallowing, then focus on small steps to get back on track. Think of it like grief after a loss, there are stages. You might be in denial or bargaining, “maybe if I had done X…”, then anger or sadness. Eventually, you have to move toward acceptance.
Pro Tip: You could say to yourself, “It’s okay to miss them today, but tomorrow I’ll try to get outside,” or set a goal like, “Just for one morning, I will wake up and go for a walk.” This balances giving space to emotions with the need to gradually re-engage in life.
Related Reading: Do Rebounds Make You Miss Your Ex More – Know It Here
3. Accept the reality of the breakup
One of the hardest steps is admitting that the relationship really is over. You might still feel hopeful or think, “Maybe they’ll change their mind.” But acceptance is essential. Relationship coach Trina Leckie points out, “If you don’t accept why you broke up, you are staying in a state of denial, which then only prolongs your healing.”
Remind yourself of all the reasons why the breakup was for the best. Often, people fixate on “I love my ex” and ignore problems that led to the split. Try to remember any red flags or issues that existed. If it was your choice or theirs, remind yourself that people do fall out of love and move on, it happens to everyone.
Accepting the reality won’t mean that you’d stop loving them instantly, but it will give you the clarity that the relationship ended and it wasn’t meant to be, no matter how much you care. This acceptance will eventually help you lose feelings for your ex. If you often find yourself wondering, “Will I ever get over my ex?’, here are a few strategies that might help:
- No “what-ifs.” Stop replaying scenarios like “If only I had said this…” Accept that some things were out of your control and that both of you contributed to how it ended.
- Avoid making them out to be perfect. It’s natural to remember the good stuff, but try to balance it by reminding yourself of why it didn’t work. Write a pros-and-cons list of the relationship. Be honest about the cons
- Remember that grieving and setbacks are normal. Being kind to yourself predicts fewer intrusive thoughts about the ex. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend who’s hurting
4. Take a break from contact and reminders
Constant reminders of your ex can keep you from healing. In today’s world, that often includes social media. Therapist Dr. Gary Brown even recommends blocking or muting your ex and their friends completely for at least 90 days. Imagine waking up and not seeing their posts, or not knowing what they’re doing. It will give your emotions a chance to stabilize without those fresh stings of information.
Similarly, consider following the no-contact rule, deleting old messages, or putting that picture of you two in a box. Out of sight can become out of mind. Or at least, not constantly on the mind. The more you reach out or check in, the more you keep those wounds open.
You might feel tempted to confess “I still love you” or seek closure from your ex. But experts warn that hoping for an answer from them usually stalls healing. Dr. Bhonsle says, “Not contacting gives you time to grieve without clinging to a false hope. Almost always, closure must come from within you, not from their responses.”
By giving yourself physical and digital distance, you give your heart room to breathe. If you absolutely must communicate (maybe you share a job or pet), keep it brief and businesslike. But generally, think: “I’m not trying to hurt them, I’m trying to help myself heal.”
5. Stay busy and try new things
After a breakup, we often lose a bit of our own identity. You might have spent so much time as “someone’s partner” that you forgot things that make you happy. This is a great time to find yourself again. Stay busy and explore new interests. The goal isn’t to be “distracted” forever, but to build a life that feels fulfilling on its own. Here are some things you can try:
- Pick up a hobby you used to love or try something you’ve always been curious about
- Enroll in a class or join a local group. Engaging with something new introduces you to new people and experiences
- A change of scenery can shift your perspective. Even a weekend road trip to a nearby city, or a day-trip by yourself, can make you feel independent and adventurous
Being busy doesn’t mean you’re running away from your feelings, but giving those feelings less uninterrupted space. When you occupy your time, the heartache will not disappear,r but you’ll have moments when your mind is elsewhere. Think of each new activity as a small step toward building the confidence and routine you had when you were single and happy.
Related Reading: Should I Text My Ex? A Complete Guide To Help You Decide
6. Seek closure on your own terms
Closure can feel like an elusive idea. You might desperately want a neat ending. Maybe a conversation with your ex to understand exactly why it ended. Unfortunately, closure usually doesn’t come from them. Waiting for someone else to explain or validate your feelings often keeps you stuck.
Instead, focus on creating your own closure rituals and answers. Ask yourself the questions that are tormenting you, and try to answer them honestly. For example: “What did this relationship teach me? Why was breaking up truly the right move? What can I forgive myself for?” Take responsibility where you had fault, forgive yourself and them, and accept that you both did what you thought was best at the time.
Here are some ways you can work toward closure after a breakup:
- Write an unsent letter: Pour out everything you feel in a letter to your ex—love, anger, questions—but never send it. Writing can be cathartic. You might even burn or shred the letter afterwards as a symbolic goodbye
- Talk it out with a friend or counselor: Voice your thoughts to someone safe. Sometimes saying it out loud helps cement your own closure
- Ceremonial “breakup ritual”: Some people find it helpful to do something symbolic. For example, some tear up pictures together, write a note and throw it away, or even hold a small ‘goodbye’ ritual at home. These aren’t magic cures, but they can signal to your brain that the chapter is ending.
7. Take care of your body and mind
In all of this, one of the best things you can do is take care of yourself. Breakups can be physically and mentally exhausting. Make a conscious effort to maintain or build healthy routines. Here are some self-care practices you must prioritize in the wake of a breakup, especially when struggling with lingering feelings for your ex:
- Try to maintain a sleep schedule. Emotional turmoil can mess with sleep, but aim for a regular bedtime. A well-rested mind is more resilient
- It’s easy to skip meals or binge when heartbroken. Aim to eat balanced meals. Fueling yourself well helps mood stability
- Even gentle exercise like daily walks, yoga, or bike rides can lift your spirits. These activities increase endorphins (feel-good chemicals) and reduce stress
- Consider meditation, deep-breathing exercises, or even short naps. Apps or guided videos can help you find calm. Journaling your thoughts is also therapeutic
Taking care of yourself also means avoiding quick rebound relationships. Jumping into something new right away might seem like a fix, but psychologists warn it often backfires. A rebound can carry your emotional baggage into the new relationship, making both people suffer. Instead, let any new romantic interest happen gradually, after you’re mostly healed.
Finding Closure And Moving On — 5 Ideas
After some time of working through the tips above, you’ll hopefully find yourself ready to move on more fully. Finding closure and moving on are not instant switches, but you can take active steps to help this process. Below are five ways that can guide you toward true emotional freedom from your ex.
1. Write down your thoughts and feelings
Writing can be incredibly healing. If you haven’t already tried journaling in the earlier steps, consider it now for clarity. Write freely about what happened: what you felt, what you regret, and what you learned. Here are some suggestions on how to use words to heal yourself and let go of your ex:
- Unsent letter: “Dear [Name], I loved you and I’m grieving what we had…” – let it all out
- Gratitude and gripes list: One column for the good times, one for the bad. Seeing both sides helps you accept the whole picture
- Goals journal: Write down what you want for your future (travel, career, hobbies). This shifts focus from “me and them” to just “me”
Related Reading: How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend: 15 Expert Tips
2. Seek professional or group support if needed
Sometimes talking to friends isn’t enough. If the pain feels too heavy or you’re stuck on certain issues like anxiety, depression, or heartbreak that worsen day by day, consider professional help. A counselor or therapist can give you coping techniques tailored to you. You could also join an online or in-person support group for people dealing with breakups. Hearing others’ stories and sharing yours can help you feel less alone.
- Look into apps or online counseling. The convenience of talking from home can make it easier
- Attend a local single meetup event, even if just as an activity, it puts you around people
- If faith is important to you, you can turn to a religious or community leader for comfort
3. Take care of your personal growth and future
Turn the page and start writing a new chapter where you focus on finding new meaning and building yourself up. Think about areas of your life you want to improve or explore now that you have more time:
- Maybe there’s a course you’ve always wanted to take, or a skill like coding or a language
- Train for a race, start strength training, or try a dance class. Meeting fitness goals can boost your confidence
- Write music, paint, cook gourmet meals, garden—do whatever makes you feel accomplished
4. Practice forgiveness and letting go
Closure often comes with forgiveness, for both you and your ex. Holding onto anger or resentment keeps you tethered to the past. This doesn’t mean what happened was okay; it means you choose not to carry that weight any longer. It’s about freeing yourself.
Many people replay the breakup, wishing they’d done things differently. Accept that everyone makes mistakes. Consciously say, “I forgive myself for not seeing this ending sooner” or “I forgive myself for any mistakes I made.” This kind of self-compassion is powerful.
It’s equally important to forgive your ex: This is for you, not them. You might tell yourself, “I forgive them for their part in ending this. I’m ready to let go of those hurts.” It can feel hard, but often when you truly forgive, it lessens the anger that keeps you holding on.
Related Reading: Why Trying To Make Your Ex Feel Jealous is Silly and Distasteful?
5. Be patient and be kind to yourself
Finally, understand that moving on after a breakup takes time. There’s no fixed schedule for when you “should” feel better. Some days you’ll wake up fine; other days it will hit you out of the blue. That’s normal. You might find it helpful to remind yourself that healing is not linear. One day you improve a lot, the next day you might slip back into missing them. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Instead,
- Celebrate small victories: Every day you go without contacting your ex is a win. Each month you feel a bit more like yourself again is progress. Notice these improvements
- Allow happiness again: When something good happens (a promotion, a fun night out), let yourself feel joy without guilt. You deserve to be happy
- Trust that you will heal: It may take longer than you want, but people do recover from heartbreak. The strong emotions will soften over time. Trust that with each lesson learned, you’re growing stronger
Key Pointers
- It’s normal to still love your ex after a breakup, as emotional bonds take time to fade
- Taking small, actionable steps like seeking support and focusing on self-care can aid in healing
- Finding closure comes from within; rituals like writing letters or reflecting on the relationship can help
- Healing is a gradual process, and it’s important to be patient and kind to yourself along the way
Final Thoughts
Above all, remember that if you ever feel overwhelmed, help is available. There is no shame in seeking professional guidance. Sometimes a therapist’s advice can be life-saving. Each day, make a small promise to yourself: maybe it’s “Today I will not text them,” or “Today I will meet a friend.” Gradually, the phrase “I still love my ex” will lose a bit of its power. Keep repeating in your mind: you are worthy of love, and you will get through this.
You might still wonder how to move on after a breakup when you are still in love or wonder, “Will I ever get over my ex?” Those questions are natural. Use the tips above and trust that the answers will come in time. It is normal, as experts say, to have lingering feelings for your ex. What matters is taking care of yourself and gently guiding your heart forward, one step at a time. You will look back one day and say, “I made it through and I’m glad I did.”
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