Once you start missing an old flame, each day seems longer and harder. You start yearning for their company and their presence in your life again and it happens to affect all your future relationships. How to get back with your ex becomes your sole concern when loneliness starts hitting you. This epiphany of reconnecting with an ex might happen for multiple reasons.
Perhaps it was your commitment issues that contributed to the breakup and now the guilt trip is chasing you after hurting them. Maybe you wanted to start dating right away and after spending time with someone else you realized that the special connection you shared with your ex is still missing. Well, not every ex is a horrible, evil person that you must completely shun from your life.
Some just need to take a sabbatical from your life only to make things happier when they are back in your life again. But what matters at this point is whether your former partner feels the same way. Are they ready to take a fresh start? If not, how do you make your ex want you back? With the help of Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in separation and divorce counseling, let’s take a look at all you need to know about how to win your ex back.
How Do You Know If You Should Get Back With Your Ex Or Not?
If you’re in a “Should I go back to my ex or stay with my current guy?” situation, you’ve come to the right place. Statistically speaking, breaking up and getting back together is a common affair for nearly 50% of adult couples. Another study conducted by the University of Texas determined that about 65% of US college students had broken up only to make their relationship work once again. ‘Lingering feelings’ was considered a primary reason in this study.
Speaking on the subject, Shazia says “When two people walk out of a relationship, and even after a considerable period of time they significantly miss each other or cannot shake off the subconscious thoughts they have of each other, they can perhaps consider patching up. However, the right approach to resuming a relationship after a few months or years is when both partners feel comfortable with this idea and not when just one is constantly pining for the other.”
We believe now is the time to reopen old wounds because one of the first few things you have to go back and dwell on is the reason for which your relationship ended. Was it infidelity? Did distance get in the way? Or was it a lack of fulfillment of your emotional needs? Your decision of reviving a past relationship should entirely depend on how you left things with this person. And if you are looking for our suggestion on “Should I get back together with my ex?”, here goes:
- If it was indeed a toxic relationship that was hampering your personal growth or if you caught your ex lying to you in the same patterns for months, it is probably not a good idea to give them another chance
- If the cause for the breakup was something you can work through and you believe that you two broke off a serious relationship rather hastily, then maybe they might be worth a second shot
- If you’ve developed trust issues and want to be cautious, then we advise you to take some time to figure out what it is you really want before moving forward
- On the other hand, if your heart has truly been yearning for them and you feel like they made you a better person, then it might be a good reason to un-ring that bell and begin a new chapter with them
Related Reading: Ex In Your Dreams? Find Out What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex
How To Get Back With An Ex – 13 Ways To Do It Right
Reconnecting with an ex – is it ever a good idea? It can be! Even though you both might have made a firm decision to break up, it does not mean you can’t be making amends for all your underlying issues somewhere down the line and start rebuilding a strong foundation. Some situations call for a good amount of time apart to process your own emotions better. If after that time the love persists, it can be a good idea to rethink the relationship for a second time.
But getting back with an ex when s/he has moved on can be really difficult. It is not always easy to reignite the same old spark and rebuild trust in a relationship from scratch. In such a case, you have to be careful, honest, and persistent with your efforts. Here are 13 ways to help you get back with an ex:
1. Show them how much you miss them
Suppose a former partner still has feelings for you and they too want to pick it up from where you left off. But they will only do so when they know that you are missing them as much as well, isn’t that pretty normal? If you breeze in with a casual conversation or try to spread the news via mutual friends, chances are that they will think you only want them because you are lonely or bored.
Can exes truly fall back in love? They sure can. It’s not just pop culture films where we see two people drift apart for over a decade until finally they meet their first love years later and have a happily ever after. Once you have been through a period of dormancy after the breakup, you can show them how much you care and miss them so they will know how much you love them. However, it’s important to figure out how you want to send the message that you want to get them back in your life.
You can’t do it in the first date conversation after a period of no contact, and you can’t be too desperate about it either. How to get back with your ex depends on how subtly you do it, while also showcasing yourself as a new person. For starters, try not to drunk dial them while you are in the middle of a sob fest.
2. Give them the space to think
“Exes should give each other ample time and space before they even think of a new beginning. That’s because past experiences, traumas, and bad incidents are not easy to forget. Each individual must first forgive themselves, only then will they be able to give themselves the break for soul searching to be able to reach a resilient and neutral zone,” says Shazia.
Getting an ex-partner back in your life is not about smothering them with affection. Because there’s a good chance that will suffocate them and push them even further away. Sometimes, they need to compartmentalize and organize their feelings to understand whether they want you back or not, and that sure takes time. Add this to your list of rules for getting back together with an ex. You’ll never win their heart again if you make desperate pleas.
We can’t assure that they will come back at the end of the day but if they do, it will be a sound choice to start a stronger and healthier relationship. When my friend Roy dumped Lorraine, she spent the first few weeks constantly love-bombing him with texts and calls, which only sent Roy into a frenzy and made him want her even less.
After the first month, she stopped. Three months later, Roy came right back to her! When Lorraine asked him, “Why now? After 3 months?”, Roy said, “Because being alone and away from you made me realize how much I actually need you.” To Lorraine, figuring out how to get back with her ex-boyfriend involved a few embarrassing phone calls and desperate attempts. It doesn’t have to be for you.
Related Reading: How Much Space In A Relationship Is Normal? Balance Is Key!
3. Talk about the old issues
Getting your ex back does not mean hurling abuses and venting out old frustrations. Yes, mistakes have been made in the past but if you want a good start, it’s time to move forward and handle disagreements in an orderly fashion. At one point or the other, you have to get into the serious conversation and allow a rational discourse about what went wrong.
The old issues are the reasons you broke up in the first place. It will not be easy to talk about them objectively. However, conflict resolution requires you to throw away everything that offends you and do everything you can to solve the problem. Speaking on the subject, Shazia shares some important insights:
- The short and sweet method for this can be that both partners agree to try their best to not repeat the same mistakes
- Both of you need to be very understanding and receptive to bringing in some positive changes to turn the red flags into green
- Open and honest communication is important. But while revisiting the past mistakes, don’t get so carried away by the negative emotions that it becomes a hindrance in your way of making this relationship work
- You need to work on your communication skills and find a solution-oriented approach to draw a concord about such issues that will be agreeable to both of you
4. Don’t try to make them jealous
Flashing pictures with a new partner on social media or telling them saucy anecdotes from your date night with someone else is going to do more harm than good. A lot of people suppose that jealousy is a road that will lead their ex right back to them. Well, wrong. In fact, if you do this, any of the other signs of a possible second chance may well be rendered useless.
“I am trying to get my ex-boyfriend back. Perhaps going out with his friend will show him what he is missing out on” – that doesn’t sound like the best plan, right? None of the getting-back-together-with-ex success stories talk about this approach as an impetus. If anything, it will only further propel the resentment in your relationship. Even if they come back and you make things up, building trust will be difficult for them after seeing you with someone else.
5. Be a changed person
Wondering how to get back with your ex? Well, how about you start by becoming the person they would actually want to take back? Because going back to the same toxic relationship with an ex is the last thing anybody would ever want. If they feel that your old problematic tendencies such as being immature or having low self-esteem issues still persist, it can impede their desire to gravitate toward you again.
“To get your ex back after a year or so, you have to show them that you are an evolved person. That is not to say that you have to entirely change as a person to fit their parameter of a good partner, for instance, becoming someone who would hesitate to voice their own needs or avoid certain friends and family their partner doesn’t like. But when there is any scope for self-improvement, you should definitely try to go that extra mile,” says Shazia.
Here are a few changes you may manifest to make your ex want to start a new relationship with you:
- Playing victim isn’t going to help you. Start taking control of your life both in the personal and professional sphere
- Stop blaming it on fate or other people around you and start taking responsibility for your own actions and decisions
- Grow a few healthy habits like mindfulness, forgiveness, and patience, and let go of the bad ones
- Try to improve communication skills as a part of your personal growth
- Stop looking at your life through your ex’s eyes and start living for yourself; learn to find happiness in your own company
Related Reading: 10 Types Of Breakups That Get Back Together With Timelines
6. Remind them why you’re compatible
Mending your relationship with an ex when he is the one who broke up with you or she is the one who called it quits can be incredibly tricky. In such cases, your ex may not be willing to give it another try after the relationship ended. To show them that you are worth it, you have to remind them of all the things that make you two a great couple.
Even if it is just talking about how good you two are together when playing board games, you must mention these instances to them. Such things will remind them that this relationship is worth saving. So when you’re talking to them, remind them of how good the two of you were together and how you can make their life better.
Figuring out how to get your ex-girlfriend back even if it seems impossible (or your ex-boyfriend) revolves around highlighting how compatible you are with each other. The next time you talk to them, try not to bring up the times you thought your partner did you wrong. Instead, tell a completely different story and mention that romantic trip you took to Bali when it felt like nothing could ever go wrong between you and your partner.
7. Be clear about why you want them back
If you are looking forward to a healthy relationship with an ex, you have to be honest with yourself about your reasons for rekindling an old romance. You should make sure that you are not just craving to be with them because you are lonely and need someone around to keep you company. This will lead to an unhealthy relationship, which will just end up crashing and burning all over again.
Shazia says, “Regardless of whether you’re getting back with an ex after a year, sooner or later, if you are in it wholeheartedly and you really are in love and you respect that person and that relationship, it will be successful. The main thing is to be honest with yourself about the reasons why you want this person back and your ex should get to know those reasons too.”
You will never be able to make your ex want you back with half-hearted intentions. Moreover, it will be unfair to you both to try to revive a relationship for fickle reasons. So just because you saw an Instagram post of them having fun at the beach and are feeling sad about it, doesn’t mean you should say “Yes!” to your “Should I go back to my ex?” dilemma.
8. Tell them that they can trust you
Trust is the key foundational stone for any successful relationship. We can only completely allow ourselves to love someone if we trust them and allow them to lean on us too. Without trust, there is no chance of making things work. So, in case, things ended between you because of something you did and they eventually stopped trusting you, make amends. Show them your remorse if you are thinking about how to get back with your ex.
“Rebuilding trust in a broken relationship will be taking time. Both partners need to understand the intricacy of the situation and acknowledge that their actions need to speak louder than words. Hence, you must make sure that your behavior reflects that you are committed to rebuilding the trust. It’s important to remember to be patient with it. It cannot happen overnight,” says Shazia. So,
- Don’t leave room for any misunderstanding. Talk openly and address the major issues you have always had
- Words do make a difference, no doubt, and a well-worded text straight from your heart may work wonders
- But also add some action into the mix – that will show them how dependable and reliable you really are now
- Be vulnerable with your partner and create a safe space for them to do the same
- For a stronger relationship in the second innings, spend as much time together as possible and make new experiences and memories with your partner
Related Reading: It’s Hard To Gain Your Partner’s Trust After You Have Cheated – 12 Ways To Do It
9. Put yourself in their shoes
Breaking up and getting back together with an old lover is not all about what you want. Your ex is an equal partner in this relationship you’re hoping for. They may have been as hurt as you were by the breakup. As a result, it may not be easy for them to make the decision of getting back into the relationship in a jiffy. One of the rules for getting back together with an ex is to understand their side before coercing them into being with you again.
Speaking on why empathy is important in this situation, Shazia tells us “When two people make a decision of coming back to each other, they need to empathize with each other and put themselves in the other person’s shoes to understand their point of view. They need to respect their values and their belief systems, only then will mutual respect and trust begin to shine through.” Here’s what Bonobology suggests you:
- Seeing things from their perspective can give you clarity on their reasons behind stalling or taking things slow
- If your partner was on the wrong side in this breakup and they are offering you a sincere apology, you may want to set aside the ego and accept it
- If it was you who cheated or broke their heart in some other way, you have to give them a chance to let out their anger and vexation and assuage them with patience
- Whether they need time to think or want to take it slow, you should always have mutual respect for each other’s decision
If you’re looking for more help to make sense of your emotion, couples therapy is probably the solution to all your problems and FYI, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you.
10. Show them that you are ready to put in the hard work
Actions speak louder than words, right? You must clearly exhibit that you are willing to do things differently this time. Tell them all the changes you are willing to make or the things that you are willing to work upon. You must show them that you love them at all costs if you are serious about making them yours again!
It’s a popular opinion that getting back with an ex never works. But have you ever thought why is that so? It’s because most people expect the desire to be enough, and aren’t willing to put in the work. If you’re wondering how to get back with your ex, you must be prepared to walk the talk rather than just making lofty promises. You should try everything until the ball is in your court, for instance,
- Be open and honest with yourself and with them
- Show them that you want to put more time into the relationship and give them more attention this time
- Your commitment to making this work can play a big role in making them count on you again
- Allow them to take some time to make up their mind and wait patiently
- Stop looking for signs that seem to say that you’ll be back together again and instead, just go out there and make it happen!
11. Be ready to make sacrifices
To propel the course of your post-breakup relationship in the right direction you will have to take a more proactive approach to repair the damage. That includes the willingness to make greater sacrifices to make them happier. Since things have already been strained between you two, this is an important measure if you truly want to save a relationship.
So if you’re asking, when is the right time to get back with your ex, it is only when you know you can give them more of yourself. To show your commitment, you might have to toe the line much more this time around. Ask yourself, is that something you’re prepared for? If and only if the answer is yes should you take the leap of reviving a past relationship. And if you’re wondering how to talk to your ex about getting back together, tell them that you’re willing to make the sacrifices and put in the work.
Related Reading: Sacrificing In A Relationship – When, What And How Much?
12. Allow yourself to forgive
How to get back with an ex is not about bringing up your past problems and forcing them to apologize. It is about forgiving them for all that has ensued and starting afresh. It may seem difficult at first to forget about all the hurt that has been caused to you. However, the chronic blame game and bringing up the past over and over again will only make things uglier.
Forgiveness in relationships is absolutely necessary. Hence, before you figure out how to tell your ex you want to get back together, you must figure out if you can let go of the negative emotions and forgive them and yourself as well. If you genuinely want to put an end to the unhappy chapter and turn the page to a new one, you could drop them a short and sweet text like, “I forgive you. I no longer hold any grudges in my heart. Can we please start over?”
13. Know that things will be different this time
Is it awkward getting back with an ex? That will be a yes! Say, you followed the no contact rule after the breakup. You got busy in your individual lives, worked on personal growth, perhaps went on a couple of dates. And yet your ex still lives in your mind rent-free. So, you both talk and decide to make things work. Even if you start dating again, it’s still a long way to go before things normalize between the two of you.
You have to be prepared for some awkwardness during those initial days of your relationship 2.0. Know that everything will not be the same as they were before because you have gone through a lot. It is not fair to expect them to be just as they were and run back into your arms. But, between you and us, it might actually get better this time! ‘Different’ doesn’t always have to mean ‘worse’, does it?
In conclusion, Shazia leaves us with a few things to keep in mind while getting back with an ex, “The only thing I can say for sure is that love always needs to be surrounded by things like respect, trust, care, concern, mindfulness, and support, for a relationship to survive. If both the partners are genuine and want to work on the relationship, there’s no reason why you can’t navigate around this fork in the road.”
Key Pointers
- Getting back with an ex involves patience, clarity of thought, and a lot of effort. Not desperation, momentary yearning, and toxic confrontations
- Make sure that you’re willing to forgive yourself as well as your ex-partner before you even start figuring out how to talk to your ex about getting back together
- Take things slowly, make sure you work on rebuilding the trust, and try to establish a solid foundation of trust, support, love, and respect
How to get back with your ex? Remember patience is the key! Making peace with your past is not easy. It will take time to take things back up to that same level as they were before you parted ways and you must help them get there instead of giving up. Love them, care for them, cherish them, and be a good partner. That’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
This article has been updated in May, 2023.
FAQs
According to recent research, nearly 50% of adult couples patch up their relationship after breaking up. Research also finds that ‘lingering feelings’ is among the top reasons why people tend to get back to an ex. Other studies suggest that out of those who get back with an ex, 15% develop a strong and lasting relationship.
If there are lingering feelings and you have had enough space apart to re-evaluate your actions, it can be a good idea to try again. However, make sure that the feelings are mutual and it’s not a case of one-sided love. Only when both (ex) partners are willing to give it another shot and put in effort for the new relationship is when it has any hope of surviving.
Not necessarily. It might be in the beginning because things are slightly different this time around. But if the old love remains, it should not be that different or awkward.
Yes, exes can definitely fall back in love. Sometimes, a couple just needs to spend time apart to realize what they truly miss and work on it so that it’s much better the next time. If your ex is the same person you missed, you can fall back in love.
There are no rules when it comes to getting back with an ex. Just keep your head held high, your respect at utmost priority, and be receptive to the other person’s needs. Another important thing to consider is to make sure that you both are willing to put in effort into this new relationship. If you don’t, the old issues will probably rear their ugly head again.
There isn’t really a shortcut message that you can use to get your ex back quickly. But if you’re looking for help to get started, you can text them something like, “Hey, how are things with you nowadays?” and take it forward from there. Once the conversation starts to flow smoothly, you can ease into it and start talking about how your relationship wasn’t all bad.
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