Once you start missing an old flame, each day seems longer and harder. You start yearning for their company and their presence in your life again, and it happens to affect all your future relationships. How to get back with your ex becomes your sole concern when loneliness starts to hit you. This epiphany of reconnecting with an ex might happen for multiple reasons.
Perhaps it was your commitment issues that contributed to the breakup and now the guilt trip of hurting them is chasing you. Maybe you wanted to start dating right away and after spending time with someone else, you realized that the special connection you shared with your ex is still missing. Well, not every ex is a horrible, evil person that you must completely shun from your world.
Some just need to take a sabbatical from your life to make things better on their return. But does your former partner feel the same way? Are they ready to make a fresh start? If not, how do you make your ex want you back? With the help of Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in separation and divorce counseling, let’s take a look at all you need to know about how to win your ex back.
How Do You Know If You Should Get Back With Your Ex Or Not?
If you’re in a “Should I go back to my ex or stay with my current guy?” situation, you’ve come to the right place. Statistically speaking, breaking up and getting back together is a common affair for nearly 50% of adult couples. Another study conducted by the University of Texas determined that about 65% of US college students had broken up only to make their relationship work once again. “Lingering feelings” was considered a primary reason in this study.
Speaking on the subject, Shazia says “When two people walk out of a relationship and significantly miss each other or cannot shake off thoughts about each other, even after a considerable amount of time, they can consider patching up. However, the right approach to resuming a relationship after a few months or years is when both partners feel comfortable with this idea and not when just one is constantly pining for the other.”
One of the first few things you have to go back and dwell on is the reason that your relationship ended. Was it infidelity? Did distance get in the way? Or was it a lack of fulfillment of your emotional needs? Your decision of reviving a past relationship should entirely depend on how you left things with this person. And if you are looking for our suggestions on “Should I get back together with my ex?” here goes:
- If it was indeed a toxic relationship that was hampering your personal growth or if you caught your ex lying to you for months, it is probably not a good idea to give them another chance
- If the cause for the breakup was something you can work through and you believe that you two broke off a serious relationship rather hastily, then it might be worth a second shot
- If you’ve developed trust issues and want to be cautious, then we advise you to take some time to figure out what it is you really want before moving forward
- On the other hand, if your heart has truly been yearning for them and you feel like they made you a better person, then it might be a good reason to un-ring that bell as soon as you can, and begin a new chapter with them
How To Get Back With An Ex – 13 Ways To Do It Right
Reconnecting with an ex – is it ever a good idea? It can be. Even though you both might have made a firm decision to break up, it does not mean you can’t make amends for all your underlying issues somewhere down the line and start rebuilding a strong foundation. Some situations call for a good amount of time apart to process your emotions better. If after that time, the love persists, it can be a good idea to rethink the relationship for a second time.
But getting back with an ex when s/he has moved on can be really difficult. It is not always easy to reignite the old spark and rebuild trust in a relationship from scratch. In such a case, you have to be careful, honest, and persistent with your efforts. Here are 13 ways to help you get back with an ex:
1. Show them how much you miss them
Suppose a former partner still has feelings for you and they, too, want to pick up from where you left off. But they will only do so when they know that you are missing them as well. If you breeze in with a casual conversation or try to spread the news via mutual friends, chances are that they will think you only want them because you are lonely or bored.
Can exes truly fall back in love? They sure can. It’s not just pop culture films where we see two people drift apart for over a decade until they meet years later and have a happily ever after. Once you have been through a period of dormancy after the breakup, you can show them how much you care about them and miss them. However, it’s important to figure out how you want to send the message that you want to get them back in your life.
You can’t do it in the first date conversation after a period of no contact, and you can’t be too desperate about it either. How to get back with your ex depends on how subtly you do it, while also showcasing yourself as a new person. For starters, try not to drunk dial them while you are in the middle of a sob fest.
2. Give them space to think
“Exes should give each other ample time and space before they even think of a new beginning. That’s because past experiences, traumas, and bad incidents are not easy to forget. Each individual must first forgive themselves, only then will they be able to give themselves a break for soul-searching, to be able to reach a resilient and neutral zone,” says Shazia.
Getting an ex-partner back in your life is not about smothering them with affection. Because there’s a good chance that will suffocate them and push them even further away. Sometimes, they need to compartmentalize and organize their feelings to understand whether they want you back or not, and that takes time. Add this to your list of rules for getting back together with an ex. You’ll never win their heart again if you make desperate pleas.
We can’t assure that they will come back at the end of the day but if they do, it will be a sound choice to start a stronger and healthier relationship. When my friend Roy dumped Lorraine, she spent the first few weeks constantly love-bombing him with texts and calls, which only sent Roy into a frenzy and made him want her even less.
After the first month, she stopped. Three months later, Roy came right back to her! Lorraine asked him, “Why now? After 3 months?” Roy said, “Because being alone and away from you made me realize how much I actually need you.” For Lorraine, figuring out how to get back with her ex-boyfriend involved a few embarrassing phone calls and desperate attempts. It doesn’t have to be the same for you.
Related Reading: How To Nurture Space In A Relationship
3. Talk about the old issues
Getting your ex back does not mean hurling abuses and venting old frustrations. Yes, mistakes have been made in the past but if you want a good start, it’s time to move forward and handle disagreements in an orderly fashion. At one point or the other, you have to get into the serious conversation and allow a rational discourse about what went wrong.
The old issues are the reasons you broke up in the first place. It will not be easy to talk about them objectively. However, conflict resolution requires you to do everything you can to solve the problem. Speaking on the subject, Shazia shares some important insights:
- Both partners agree to try their best to not repeat the same mistakes
- Both of you need to be very understanding and receptive to bringing in some positive changes to turn the red flags into green
- Open and honest communication is important. But while revisiting the past mistakes, don’t get so carried away by the negative emotions that it becomes a hindrance in your way of making this relationship work
- You need to work on your communication skills and find a solution-oriented approach about such issues that are agreeable to both of you
4. Don’t try to make them jealous
Flashing pictures with a new partner on social media or telling them saucy anecdotes from your date night with someone else is going to do more harm than good. A lot of people suppose that jealousy is a road that will lead their ex right back to them. Well, wrong. In fact, if you do this, any of the other signs of a possible second chance may well be rendered useless.
“I am trying to get my ex-boyfriend back. Perhaps going out with his friend will show him what he is missing out on” – that doesn’t sound like the best plan, right? None of the getting-back-together-with-ex success stories talk about this approach as an impetus. If anything, it will only propel further resentment in your relationship. Even if they come back and you make up, building trust will be difficult for them after seeing you with someone else.
5. Be a changed person
Wondering how to get back with your ex? Well, how about you start by becoming the person they would actually want to take back? Because going back to the same toxic relationship with an ex is the last thing anybody would ever want. If they feel that your old problematic tendencies still persist, such as being immature or having communication issues, it can impede their desire to gravitate toward you again.
“To get your ex back after a year or so, you have to show them that you are an evolved person. That is not to say that you have to entirely change as a person to fit their parameter of a good partner, like becoming someone who would hesitate to voice their needs or who would avoid certain friends and family that your partner doesn’t like. But if there is any scope for self-improvement, you should definitely try to go that extra mile,” says Shazia.
Here are a few changes you may implement to make your ex want to start a new relationship with you:
- Playing victim isn’t going to help you. Start taking control of your life, both in the personal and professional sphere
- Stop blaming it on fate or other people around you and start taking responsibility for your own actions and decisions
- Grow a few healthy habits like mindfulness, forgiveness, and patience, and let go of the bad ones
- Try to improve communication skills as a part of your personal growth
- Stop looking at your life through your ex’s eyes and start living for yourself; learn to find happiness in your own company
Related Reading: 10 Types Of Breakups That Get Back Together With Timelines
6. Remind them why you’re compatible
Mending your relationship with an ex when he is the one who broke up with you or she is the one who called it quits can be incredibly tricky. In such cases, your ex may not be willing to give it another try after the relationship ended. To show them that you are worth it, you have to remind them of all the things that made you two a great couple.
Even if it is just talking about how good you two are together when playing board games, you must mention those instances to them. Such memories will remind them that this relationship is worth saving. Figuring out how to get your ex-girlfriend back even if it seems impossible (or your ex-boyfriend) revolves around highlighting how compatible you are with each other. The next time you talk to them, try not to bring up the times your ex messed up. Instead, mention that romantic trip you took to Bali when it felt like nothing could ever go wrong between you and your partner.
7. Be clear about why you want them back
If you are looking forward to a healthy relationship with an ex, you have to be honest with yourself about your reasons for rekindling an old romance. You should make sure that you are not just craving to be with them because you are lonely and need someone around to keep you company. This will lead to an unhealthy relationship, which will just end up crashing and burning all over again.
Shazia says, “Regardless of whether you’re getting back with an ex after a year or a few weeks, if you are in it wholeheartedly and are in love, if you respect that person and the relationship, it will be successful. The main thing is to be honest with yourself and your ex about the reasons that you want this person back.”
You will never be able to make your ex want you back with half-hearted intentions. Moreover, it will be unfair to you both to try to revive a relationship for fickle reasons. So just because you saw an Instagram post of them having fun at the beach and are feeling sad about it, doesn’t mean you should say yes to your “Should I go back to my ex?” dilemma.
8. Tell them that they can trust you
Trust is the key foundational stone for any successful relationship. We can only allow ourselves to love someone if we trust them and allow them to lean on us too. Without trust, there is no chance of making things work. So, in case things ended between you two because of something you did and they eventually stopped trusting you, make amends. Show them your remorse if you are thinking about how to get back with your ex.
“Gaining trust back in a broken relationship will take time. Both partners need to understand the intricacy of the situation and acknowledge that their actions need to speak louder than words. You must make sure that your behavior reflects that you are committed to rebuilding the trust. It’s important to be patient. It cannot happen overnight,” says Shazia.
- Don’t leave room for any misunderstanding. Talk openly and address the major issues you have always had
- Words do make a difference, no doubt, and a well-worded text straight from your heart may work wonders
- But also add some action into the mix – that will show them how dependable and reliable you really are now
- Be vulnerable with your partner and create a safe space for them to do the same
- For a stronger relationship in the second innings, spend as much time together as possible and make new experiences and memories with your partner
Related Reading: How To Regain Trust After Cheating: 12 Ways According To An Expert
9. Put yourself in their shoes
Breaking up and getting back together with an old lover is not all about what you want. Your ex is an equal partner in this relationship that you’re hoping for. They may have been as hurt as you were by the breakup. As a result, it may not be easy for them to make the decision of getting back into the relationship. This is why, one of the rules for getting back together with an ex is to understand their side before asking them to be with you again.
Speaking on why empathy is important in this situation, Shazia tells us, “When two people make a decision of coming back to each other, they need to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. They need to have mutual respect for the other’s values and belief systems.” Here’s what we suggest:
- Seeing things from their perspective can give you clarity on their reasons behind stalling or taking things slow
- If your partner was on the wrong side in this breakup and they are offering you a sincere apology, you may want to set aside your ego and accept it
- If it was you who cheated or broke their heart in some other way, you have to give them a chance to let out their anger and handle their emotions with patience
- Whether they need time to think or want to take it slow, you should always have respect for each other’s decisions
If you’re looking for more help to make sense of your feelings, couple’s therapy is probably the solution to all your problems. Skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are always here for you.
10. Show them that you are ready to put in the hard work
Actions speak louder than words. You must exhibit that you are willing to do things differently this time. Tell them all the changes you are willing to make or the things that you are willing to work upon if you are serious about making them yours again. It’s a popular opinion that getting back with an ex never works. But have you ever thought about why that is? It’s because most people expect the desire to be enough, and aren’t willing to put in the work.
If you’re wondering how to get back with your ex, you must be prepared to walk the talk rather than just making lofty promises. For instance:
- Be open and honest with yourself and with them
- Show them that you want to put more time into the relationship and give them more attention this time
- Your commitment to making this work can play a big role in making them count on you again
- Allow them to take some time to make up their mind. Wait patiently
- Stop looking for signs that seem to say that you’ll be back together again and instead, just go out there and make it happen
11. Be ready to make sacrifices
To propel the course of your post-breakup relationship in the right direction, you will have to take a more proactive approach to repair the damage. That includes the willingness to make greater sacrifices to make them happier. Since things have been strained between you two, this is an important measure if you truly want to save a relationship.
When is the right time to get back with your ex? It is only when you know you can give them more of yourself. Ask yourself, is that level of commitment something you’re prepared for? If the answer is yes, take the leap of reviving a past relationship. And if you’re wondering how to talk to your ex about getting back together, tell them that you’re willing to make the sacrifices and put in the work.
Related Reading: Sacrificing In A Relationship – When, What And How Much?
12. Allow yourself to forgive
How to get back with an ex is not about bringing up your past problems and forcing them to apologize. It is about forgiving them for all that has ensued and starting afresh. It may seem difficult at first to forget about all the hurt that has been caused to you. However, the chronic blame game and bringing up the past over and over again will only make things uglier.
Forgiveness in relationships is absolutely necessary. Hence, before you figure out how to tell your ex you want to get back together, you must figure out if you can let go of the negative emotions and forgive them and yourself as well. If you genuinely want to put an end to the unhappy chapter and turn a new page, you could drop them a short and sweet text like “I forgive you. I no longer hold any grudges in my heart. Can we please start over?”
13. Know that things will be different this time
Is it awkward getting back with an ex? Yes. Say, you followed the no-contact rule after the breakup. You got busy in your individual lives, worked on personal growth, perhaps went on a couple of dates, yet your ex lives in your mind rent-free. So, you both talk and decide to make things work. Even if you start dating again, it’s still a long way to go before things normalize between the two of you.
You have to be prepared for some awkwardness during those initial days of your relationship 2.0. Know that everything will not be the same as they were before because you have gone through a lot. It is not fair to expect them to be just as they were and run back into your arms. But, between you and us, it might actually get better this time! ‘Different’ doesn’t always have to mean ‘worse,’ does it?
In conclusion, Shazia leaves us with a few things to keep in mind while getting back with an ex, “The only thing I can say for sure is that love always needs to be surrounded by things like respect, trust, care, concern, mindfulness, and support for a relationship to survive. If both the partners are genuine and want to work on the relationship, there’s no reason that you can’t navigate this fork in the road.”
- Getting back with an ex involves patience, clarity of thought, and a lot of effort. Not desperation, momentary yearning, and toxic confrontations
- Make sure that you’re willing to forgive yourself as well as your ex-partner before you even start figuring out how to talk to your ex about getting back together
- Take things slowly, make sure you work on rebuilding the trust, and try to establish a solid foundation of trust, support, love, and respect
How to get back with your ex? Remember, patience is the key! Making peace with your past is not easy. It will take time to heal and better your relationship, and and you must help them get there instead of giving up. Love them, care for them, cherish them, and be a good partner. That’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
This article has been updated in May 2023.
According to recent research, nearly 50% of adult couples patch up their relationship after breaking up. Research also finds that ‘lingering feelings’ is among the top reasons that people tend to get back with an ex. Other studies suggest that out of those who get back with an ex, 15% develop a strong and lasting relationship.
If there are lingering feelings and you have had enough space apart to re-evaluate your actions, it can be a good idea to try again. However, make sure that the feelings are mutual and it’s not a case of one-sided love. Only when both exes are willing to give it another shot and put in the effort for a new relationship, does it have any hope of surviving.
Not necessarily. It might be in the beginning because things are slightly different this time around. But if the old love remains, it should not be that different or awkward.
Yes, exes can definitely fall back in love. Sometimes, a couple just needs to spend time apart to realize what they truly miss and work on it, so that it’s much better the next time. If your ex is the same person you missed, you can fall back in love.
There are no rules when it comes to getting back with an ex. Just keep your head held high, respect them, and be receptive to the other person’s needs. Another important thing to consider is to make sure that you both are willing to invest in this relationship. If you don’t, the old issues will probably rear their ugly head again.
There isn’t really a shortcut message that you can use to get your ex back quickly. But if you’re looking to get started, you can text them something like “Hey, how are things with you nowadays? I hope it’s okay that I texted you.” and take it forward from there. Once the conversation starts to flow smoothly, you can ease into it and start talking about how your relationship was something to reckon with.