Once you start missing an old flame, each day seems longer and harder. You start yearning for their company and their presence in your life again. How to get back with an ex becomes your sole concern when loneliness starts hitting you. Not every ex is a horrible, evil person that you must completely shun from your life. Some just need to take a sabbatical from your life only to make things happier when they are back in your life again.
If you’re wondering what percent of exes get back together, a study conducted by the University of Texas determined that about 65% of US college students had broken up only to get back together again. “Lingering feelings” was considered a primary reason in this study. According to another research, nearly 50% of adult couples break up and then get back together.
So, it’s safe to say that true love and deep feelings do trump all other issues. With the help of Shazia Saleem (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in separation and divorce counseling, let’s take a look at all you need to know about getting back with an ex, and how you need to go about it.
How Do You Know If You Should Get Back With Your Ex Or Not?
If you’re in a “Should I go back to my ex or stay with my current guy?” situation, you’ve come to the right place. Perhaps you’re dating someone new having quickly slithered into a rebound relationship, but now, one text from your ex has brought you to a crossroads. At a point like this, it can be nerve-wracking to get your feelings in order and make the right choice. In order to decide if you should get back with your ex or not, you need to really think things through.
Speaking on the subject, Shazia says “When two people walk out of a relationship, and even after a considerable period of time they significantly miss each other or cannot shake off the subconscious thoughts they have of each other, they can perhaps consider getting back together. However, it’s important to note that getting back with an ex after a year or any period of time must be considered when both the ex-partners feel that it’s the right way to go and not when just one is constantly pining for the other.”
The message is loud and clear: the feelings must be mutual, and there should be those “lingering feelings” that we spoke of earlier. It’s time to reopen old wounds because one of the first few things you have to go back and dwell on is the reason you two broke up.
Was it infidelity? Did the distance get in the way? Or was it a general lack of fulfillment? If it was indeed a toxic relationship that wasn’t making you grow or if your ex was continuously lying to you or cheating, it is probably not a good idea to go back to them. But if the cause for the breakup was something you can work through and you believe that you two broke it off hastily, then maybe they might be worth a second shot.
It all comes down to the situation and how they made you feel. If you’ve developed trust issues and want to be cautious, then we advise you to give it more time to figure out what it is you really want before you make any decisions. But on the other hand, if your heart has truly been yearning for them and you feel like they made you a better person, then it might be a good reason to un-ring that bell and return to them.
Whatever decision you come to, make sure that you think about this before you start considering how to talk to your ex about getting back together. You don’t want this to be a one-sided dynamic, that way you’ll only end up saying, “It’s exactly why getting back with an ex never works. I should’ve never tried.”
Related Reading: Ex In Your Dreams? Find Out What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex
How To Get Back With An Ex – 13 Ways To Do It Right
Is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex? It can be! Even though you both might have made a firm decision to break up, it does not mean you cannot get back together at some point. Some situations call for a good amount of time apart to process things better. If after that time the love persists, it can be a good idea to get back with your ex.
But getting back with an ex when s/he has moved on can be really difficult. It is not always easy to reignite the same old spark. In such a case, you have to be careful, honest, and persistent with your efforts. Here are 13 ways to help you get back with an ex:
1. Show them how much you miss them
If an ex who has feelings for you wants to get back with you, he or she will only do so when they know that you are missing them as much as well. If you breeze in with a casual conversation, chances are that they will think you only want them because you are lonely or bored.
Can exes fall back in love? They sure can. Once you have been through a period of dormancy after the breakup, you can show them how much you care and miss them so they will know how much you love them. However, it’s important to figure out how to tell your ex you want to get back together.
You can’t do it in the first conversation after a period of no contact, and you can’t be too desperate about it either. How to get back with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend depends on how subtly you do it, while also showcasing yourself as a new person. For starters, try not to drunk call them while crying.
2. Give them the space to think
“Exes should give each other ample time and space before getting back together. That’s because past experiences, traumas, and bad incidents are not easy to forget. Each individual must first forgive themselves, only then will they be able to give themselves the time and space to be able to reach a resilient and neutral zone,” says Shazia.
How to get an ex back is not about smothering them with affection until they suffocate and run away even further. Sometimes, they need to compartmentalize and organize their feelings to understand whether they want you back or not. Add this to your list of rules for getting back together with an ex. You’ll never win their heart again if you make desperate pleas.
One of the stages of getting back together with an ex is enabling them to think clearly by giving them some space. It does not guarantee that they will come back but it sure will help them make an intelligent decision. When Roy dumped Lorraine, she spent the first few weeks constantly love-bombing him with texts and calls, which only sent Roy into a frenzy and made him want her even less.
After the first month, she stopped. Three months later, Roy came right back to her! When Lorraine asked him, “Why now? After 3 months?”, Roy said, “Because being alone and away from you made me realize how much I actually need you.” To Lorraine, figuring out how to get back with her ex-boyfriend involved a few embarrassing phone calls and desperate attempts. It doesn’t have to for you.
Related Reading: How Much Space In A Relationship Is Normal? Balance Is Key!
3. Talk about the old issues
Getting your ex back does not mean hurling abuses and venting out old frustrations. Yes, mistakes have been made in the past but if you want to start afresh, it’s time to move forward. That’s why getting your ex back is about allowing a rational discourse and having the heavy conversations. To do this, you have to be very understanding and receptive.
The old issues are the reasons you broke up in the first place. It will not be easy to talk about them objectively. However, conflict resolution requires you to throw away everything that offends you and do everything you can to solve the problem. Speaking on the subject, Shazia shares some important insights.
“The short and sweet method for this can be that both partners agree to try their best to not make the same mistakes they made before. While having conversations about past mistakes is needed, you must make sure not to get back into those mental zones again by recollecting those experiences or feeling the negative emotions you felt during those moments,” she advises.
4. Don’t try to make them jealous
Flashing pictures with a new partner or telling them all about your other dates is going to do more harm than good. A lot of people suppose that jealousy is a road that will lead their ex right back to them. Well, wrong. In fact, if you do this, any of the other signs of a possible second chance may well be rendered useless.
“I want to get back with my ex, and I’m going to do it by going out with his friend” doesn’t sound like the best plan, right? None of the getting-back-together-with-ex success stories talk about this approach as an impetus. If anything, it will only further propel the resentment in your “relationship”. Steer away from any of these negative tactics because it will only annoy your ex and drive them away.
5. Be a changed person
Before you say, “I should take my ex back”, you need to be someone that THEY actually want to take back. To get your ex back after a year or so, you have to show them that you are a changed and evolved person. If they feel that your old problematic tendencies such as being immature or insecure still persist, it can impede their desire to gravitate toward you again.
“When getting back with an ex, both partners must convince themselves that they’re not going to repeat the past mistakes. Nobody can guarantee that second chances in a relationship are going to be 100% successful, it’s all about the effort you put in. So make sure you give it your best shot,” says Shazia.
Understanding how to get back with an ex requires you to also make a lot of changes within yourself. Seeing a healthy amount of emotional growth in you can make your ex want to start a new relationship with you. Being a better person for them is the most sure-shot way to win your ex back.
6. Remind them why you’re compatible
To get your ex back when he is the one who broke up with you or she is the one who called it quits can be incredibly tricky. In such cases, your ex may not be willing to get back together. To show them that you are worth it, you have to remind them of all the things that make you two a great couple.
Even if it is just talking about how good you two are together when playing board games, you must mention these instances to them. Such things will remind them that this relationship is worth saving. So when you’re talking to them, remind them of how good the two of you were together and how you can make their life better.
Figuring out how to get your ex-girlfriend back even if it seems impossible (or your ex-boyfriend) revolves around highlighting how compatible you are with each other. The next time you talk to them, try not to bring up the times you thought your partner did you wrong. Instead, mention that trip you took where it felt like nothing could ever go wrong.
7. Be clear about why you want them back
When you want to get an ex back, you have to be honest with yourself about your reasons for rekindling an old romance. You should make sure that you are not just craving to be with them because you are bored and need someone around to keep you company. This will lead to an unhealthy relationship, which will just end up crashing and burning all over again.
Shazia says, “Regardless of whether you’re getting back with an ex after a year, sooner or later, if you are in it wholeheartedly and you really are in love and you respect that person and that relationship, it will be successful. Be honest with yourself about the reasons why you want this person back and make sure your ex knows those reasons too.”
You will never be able to convince them to come back to you with half-hearted intentions. Moreover, it will be unfair to you both to try to revive a relationship for fickle reasons. So just because you saw an Instagram post of them having fun at the beach and are feeling sad about it, doesn’t mean you should say “Yes!” to your “Should I go back to my ex?” dilemma.
8. Tell them that they can trust you
Trust is the key foundational stone for any successful relationship. We can only completely allow ourselves to love someone if we trust them and allow them to lean on us too. Without trust, there is no chance of making things work. So one of the signs you’ll get back together is if the trust between the two of you hasn’t been desecrated.
“Rebuilding trust when you’re reviving a relationship that ended will take a lot of time. Both partners need to understand the intricacy of the situation and acknowledge that their actions need to speak louder than words. Hence, you must make sure that your behavior reflects that you are committed to rebuilding the trust. It’s important to remember to be patient with it. It cannot happen overnight,” says Shazia.
When Shirley stopped seeing Malcolm and he wanted to win her back, a heartfelt and simple, “I love you, please trust me, I will never let you down”, in the Pizza Hut parking lot was enough for Shirley to realize she had made a mistake by dumping him. One of our favorite stories of exes getting back together, the two are now actually happily married!
If you did something that caused them to stop trusting you, which eventually led to the relationship breaking up, make amends. Show them your remorse. Assure them that it will never happen again and give them proof that you have indeed changed.
In your desperate haste to make your “I want to get back with my ex!” wishes come true, don’t forget that getting back to a healthy place will take a while. Words do make a difference, no doubt, and a well-worded text straight from your heart may work wonders, but add some action into the mix — that will show them how dependable and reliable you really are now.
Related Reading: It’s Hard To Gain Your Partner’s Trust After You Have Cheated – 12 Ways To Do It
9. Put yourself in their shoes
How to get back with an ex is not just about what you want. Your ex is an equal partner in this relationship you’re hoping for. They may have been as hurt as you were by the breakup. As a result, it may not be easy for them to make the decision to get back together in a jiffy. Seeing things from their perspective can give you clarity on their reasons behind stalling or taking things slow.
Speaking on why empathy is important in this situation, Shazia tells us “When two people make a decision of coming back to each other, they need to empathize with each other and put themselves in the other person’s shoes to understand their point of view. They need to respect their values and their belief systems, only then will mutual trust and respect begin to shine through.”
One of the rules for getting back together with an ex is to understand their side before coercing them into being with you again. That’s the only way the two of you can handle things better the next time. You must not charge at your ex with full force to fix things. Give them time but don’t let up on the effort.
If you’re wondering why getting back with an ex never works, it’s because most people expect the desire to be enough, and aren’t willing to put in the work. It is likely to be a long-drawn process with many different emotions in the mix. Perhaps relationship counseling can help in this process. If you’re looking for help to make sense of your emotion, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
10. Show them that you are willing to put in the work
To get your ex-boyfriend to want you back or your ex-girlfriend to consider getting back together, you must clearly exhibit that you are willing to do things differently this time. Tell them all the changes you are willing to make or the things that you are willing to work upon. You must show them that you love them at all costs if you are serious about making them yours again!
If you’re wondering how to get your ex-girlfriend back even if it seems impossible or how to get back with your ex-boyfriend, you must be prepared to walk the talk rather than just making lofty promises. For example, show them that you want to put more time into the relationship and give them more attention this time. Your commitment to making this work can play a big role in making them count on you again. Stop looking for signs that seem to say that you’ll get back together again and instead, just go out there and make it happen!
11. Be ready to make sacrifices
Since things have already been strained between you two, you will have to take a more proactive approach to repair the damage. That includes the willingness to make greater sacrifices to make them happier. This is an important measure if you truly want to save a relationship. So if you’re asking, when is the right time to get back with your ex, it is only when you know you can give them more of yourself.
To show your commitment, you might have to toe the line much more this time around. Ask yourself, is that something you’re prepared for? If and only if the answer is yes should you take the leap of getting back together with an ex. And if you’re wondering how to talk to your ex about getting back together, tell them that you’re willing to make the sacrifices and put in the work.
Related Reading: Sacrificing In A Relationship – When, What And How Much?
12. Allow yourself to forgive
How to get back with an ex is not about bringing up your past problems and forcing them to apologize. It is about forgiving them for all that has ensued and starting afresh. Forgiveness in relationships is absolutely necessary. It may seem difficult at first to forget about all the hurt that has been caused to you.
However, bringing up the past over and over again will only make things uglier. Hence, before you figure out how to tell your ex you want to get back together, you must figure out if you’re capable of forgiving them and yourself. You must be ready to work toward resolving the issues that drove you apart instead of playing the blame game. Want to get your ex back fast by text message? Send them an “I forgive you. I no longer hold any grudges in my heart. Can we please start over?” text to rev things up again!
13. Know that things will be different this time
Is it awkward getting back with an ex? Well, even if things normalize over time, you have to be prepared for some awkwardness during those initial days of your relationship 2.0. Know that things will not be the same as they were before because you have gone through a lot. It is not fair to expect them to be just as they were and run back into your arms.
In conclusion, Shazia leaves us with a few things to keep in mind while getting back with an ex, “The only thing I can say for sure is that love always needs to be surrounded by things like respect, trust, care, concern, mindfulness, and support, for a relationship to survive. If both the partners are genuine and want to work on the relationship, there’s no reason why you can’t navigate around this fork in the road.”
Key Pointers
- Getting back with an ex involves patience, clarity of thought, and a lot of effort. Not desperation, momentary yearning, and toxic confrontations
- Make sure that you’re willing to forgive yourself as well as your ex-partner before you even start figuring out how to talk to your ex about getting back together
- Take things slowly, make sure you work on rebuilding the trust, and try to establish a solid foundation of trust, support, love, and respect
Making peace with your past is not easy. It will take time to take things back up to that same level as they were before you parted ways and you must help them get there instead of giving up. Put in the time and work and just be patient. Love them, care for them, cherish them and be a good partner. That’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
FAQs
According to recent research, nearly 50% of adult couples break up and then get back together. Research also finds that “lingering feelings” is among the top reasons why people get back together with an ex. Other studies suggest that out of those who get back with an ex, 15% develop a strong and lasting relationship.
If there are lingering feelings and you have had enough space apart to re-evaluate your actions, it can be a good idea to try again. However, make sure that the feelings are mutual and it’s not a case of one-sided love. Only when both (ex) partners are willing to give it another shot and put in effort for the new relationship is when it has any hope of surviving.
Not necessarily. It might be in the beginning because things are slightly different this time around. But if the old love remains, it should not be that different or awkward.
Yes, exes can definitely fall back in love. Sometimes, a couple just needs to spend time apart to realize what they truly miss and work on it so that it’s much better the next time. If your ex is the same person you missed, you can fall back in love.
There are no rules when it comes to getting back with an ex. Just keep your head held high, your respect at utmost priority, and be receptive to the other person’s needs. Another important thing to consider is to make sure that you both are willing to put in effort into this new relationship. If you don’t, the old issues will probably rear their ugly head again.
There isn’t really a shortcut message that you can use to get your ex back quickly. But if you’re looking for help to get started, you can text them something like, “Hey, how are things with you nowadays?” and take it forward from there. Once the conversation starts to flow smoothly, you can ease into it and start talking about how your relationship wasn’t all bad.
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