(As told to Dua Prayaag)
He would always come receive me from airports and train stations. No, I never wanted him to pick up my bags. My suitcases had wheels, I could drag them. I didn’t realise he had started getting uncomfortable with a strong independent woman like me. It’s only when I caught him cheating on me that I understood what he was missing. He preferred the kohl eyed, saree clad siren.
It had been two years, yet every time I came back from a trip, I would imagine a Hollywood style entry of the villain turned hero of my life, waiting with a rose and an apology at the station.[restrict]
On his behalf
In reality what I received was a phone call. His mother called. She and I had become close over phone calls when we were together. She called to tell me how sorry her son was for his mistake, for not just cheating on me but then being in a relationship with the pretty miss whom he fell for while promising to marry me. She told me her son was in depression, and didn’t know how to approach me. He had been cheated on as well. Karma, I tell you.
There was no way I could take his word and his apology as reasons enough to give him another chance.
When I caught him two years ago, I asked him to give us another shot and he refused. Thrice. I was a mess for a year. I thought I wouldn’t survive. I wasn’t aware of the strength in women like me who have fought the world for their rights. We eventually do, and I did, survive.
Related reading: My partner cheated on me with 17 others
I met him again
I agreed to meet him at the weekend for coffee. I was seeing him after a year. The only man I’d ever been with and trusted more than anyone else, the man who caused me unimaginable pain, left me crying all by myself in a hotel room telling me he’d grown out of the six years of us being together, was sitting in front of me with his head hanging low. I had never wished anything untoward for him since, except for karma to strike back.
“Can I hold your hand? I want to grow old with you. When I say I love you the most I mean there is no one across the world who makes me feel the way you do, with whom I can imagine spending my life and reading a book and having a family. It is you and only you,” he said to me. A year after he said he has been holding her hand and they hug often but he is confused about his feelings. A year after he went on to say that I must let him move on with his new girlfriend and I should move ahead with my life in a dignified manner. A request for dignity from a cheater was hard to swallow back then.
Related reading: I’m back with him because I’m afraid to suffer again
He says sorry
At the café he apologised profusely. He promised to leave his workplace. That is where the two had their affair. I didn’t think that was necessary. One doesn’t have to work together to break someone’s trust. He said he wants us to get married soon. Do I have a reason to trust him? I thought I was married for those six years. I didn’t need a legal stamped document to prove my loyalty or keep me in this relationship. My notions haven’t changed.
We are talking. I’m trying to trust him again. It won’t be easy. I never stopped loving him, but I’m sure not to let him in that space that I had let him through the 6 years. I won’t place him before me now. I’m trying not to remind him of all the hurt he caused me through the two years. My friends and family are very wary of my decision to even start talking to him. He says he has changed.
It’s the speed with which he changes that scares me really.
I don’t know where I see myself with him, but I don’t know what else to do![/restrict]