Pranav (name has been changed to protect privacy) confessed to us before seeking help from our counselling professionals that when his last two girlfriends confronted him with the deep suspicion that he had cheated on them, he made them feel that they were imagining it and warped their sense of reality to make them second guess their doubts. He fed them false information to make them question their memory and perception of events. And he got away with it. ‘They loved me so much and believed my lies but I feel awful about it and want to change this about me.’ He had written to us. Pranav is a classic example of a person who showed guaranteed signs of cheating and he said all the shocking things that cheaters say when confronted.
Even knowing about the fact that your partner has cheated is heartbreaking, thinking of how to confront them with it can be even more painful. How should you word it? You feel this rage within, should you go full throttle? But then you love them and are committed. Should you try and understand their point of view and thus be gentle? As painful, the knowledge of your partner cheating is, it is even more challenging on how to confront them with that information. The things the cheaters say when confronted can get even more confusing and painful. You might be praying that this was your mistake or the person who told you so, you know in your soul that it is true. This experience can be truly confusing and extremely difficult but you can never ignore the signs of cheating.
Most cheaters when confronted deny it unless you have solid proof and flash it to them. Even then they will try and come out with ways to make up for it, ‘it was a weakness of one night’, ‘the alcohol did it’, ‘they were under stress’. At this point, it is not on them but it’s on how you want to deal with it. We had stories where they blame the partner for instigating the cheating, ‘I never found her pretty or attractive, but you always said so, you made me do it’! Yes, things cheaters say and do when caught can be shocking and may make you doubt your part in it. Here are five confessions from women who say that it was their partners who cheated but they feel guilty! But one thing is for sure you will suddenly feel that you perhaps did not know them at all, so strange this new side will seem.
According to the Institute of Family Studies, “Among ever-married adults ages 18 to 29 in America, women are slightly more likely than men to be guilty of infidelity (11% vs. 10%). But this gap quickly reverses among those between the ages of 30 to 34 and grows wider in older age groups. Infidelity for both men and women increases during the middle ages.”1
15 Shocking Things Cheaters Say When Confronted
“My partner cheated and is now angry with me.” If you’ve faced such a situation, then you know what we are talking about. When you see the guaranteed signs of cheating and cheaters are caught, they start making excuses about it and try to win your confidence. How do cheaters react when confronted? The more deceitful ones try to send you on a guilt trip instead. It is thus important to prepare for what they will respond with before you confront your partner. Here are 15 shocking things cheaters say when confronted. Hope we can help with this piece.
1. “It didn’t mean anything”
When you are confronting a cheating partner the first thing that your cheating partner will do is to try to win your confidence back and tell you that it didn’t mean anything. In this act, your partner admits to the act but shows that there were no feelings involved. It is a way of assuring that it doesn’t threaten your relationship with them, that the other thing was a fling, a mistake, maybe a moment’s weakness. They try and score a point saying that at least they have owned up to it and that cheating happens. In other words implying that it is no big deal and you should move on.
2. “You were so distant”
When your partner blames you for being distant, they are playing the victim card. This happens most of the time when you have spotted the guaranteed signs of cheating and confronted them. The lines they will use are, ‘you were not there for me’, ‘I was lonely’, ‘I was tired of waiting for you’, etc. That even when you were there, you were emotionally unavailable. That you were not involved like they were and that hurt them. That is when this other person came along offering care and love and they just slipped. Your partner will try to make you believe that it was your fault.
Related Reading: 8 Things Cheating Says About A Person
3. “I didn’t know why I did it”
One of the most shocking things that cheaters say when confronted is that they didn’t know why they did it. They fail to come up with excuses and reasoning to justify their act of infidelity. They are in effect trying to tell you that they are as shocked by their own behaviour as you are. How much can you blame them if they don’t understand what had happened there? The classic answer to this is therapy. ‘Let’s take therapy’, perhaps you will offer. This is their way out of cheating. They may also make it about their childhood, where they saw the parents cheat, or heard about it. While there may be some truth in this, it is important to figure out how to deal with it going forward.
4. “It was just flirting”
How to tell if your partner is lying ? It’s hard to make out what they are saying is the truth or not. ‘You are being paranoid, what we have is just a bit of light-hearted teasing’, one lady wrote to us how her partner had made her feel crazy when she confronted him for cheating. She let him give her all sorts of excuses and then flashed the message she had captured when she had cloned his phone. He had no words. Partners make you seem the insecure one and call you obsessed. ‘They are just friends’, they say, that you have read too much into nothing and this strains the relationship. But you have noticed the signs of cheating for too long. Haven’t you? Harmless flirting is okay but read this piece on how an innocent flirtatious relationship turned into an affair.
Sometimes flirting can lead to something deeper.
Flirting with someone who isn’t your partner is a big deal as well, especially when the one you are flirting with thinks it’s leading somewhere.
5. “It just happened”
Another thing that partners say when they are caught is that it just happened. They portray that the cheating incident was something that wasn’t in their control. They call it a “drunken mistake”. Ask yourself, ‘If it was just a mistake then why did your partner not tell you about it?’ Moreover, is he/she still in contact with the person? Mistakes may happen once but if this has happened more than once is it a mistake then too?
Related Reading: What if I had never discovered my spouse’s cheating?
6. “It’s not what it looks like”
You have found the message, ‘Love you’ from the other person in their inbox and they say, ‘It’s not what it looks like’. What we have is platonic, almost sisterly (or brotherly). ‘I can’t believe that you would accuse me of this’, they would say and put you in the defensive. Remember when you confront your cheating partner offense is the best form of defense? So either it is just a passing emotional affection or somehow the situation was twisted and it seemed different from what it was. If your partner does admit to being emotionally attached you can read this piece and get tips on how to deal with it.
7. “I got bored”
After the honeymoon phase of a relationship wears off, things become mundane because of the routine. ‘We don’t have sex as we used to’, they say. Or, ‘We both have started taking things for granted, we are not a priority in this relationship for each other anymore’. Boredom is a big issue in relationships these days but it cannot be made the scapegoat for an affair. The onus to keep the spark alive should be on both. Tell them that. Also, you have been bored too but you did not take the route. Read this piece on how to spice up the relationship! Remember getting bored of it is not telling on you, it is about them, do not throw yourself under the bus for their cheating. Getting bored of the relationship doesn’t justify him/her cheating on you.
8. “It was just sex”
Think about a scenario when you catch your partner red-handed and he/she says that it was just sex, hard cold sex. Your partner cheated on you just to have “sex”. One woman wrote to us that her one-night stand with her gym instructor was like eating out in a good restaurant once in a while. But home is always home. In other words, these people try and say that just because their bodies were involved not their emotions, it should not be a big deal. Ask them, did they know that ‘just sex’ would hurt you? See their expressions as they try and answer them. If they knew that it would hurt their partners and they still went ahead and had ‘just sex’, does it mean that they care more about their bodily pleasures than their commitment to you?
Related Reading: 12 signs your husband is having sex outside the marriage
9. “I didn’t want to hurt you”
When you confront your partner and talk about the signs of cheating in the relationship that you have been noticing, an excuse that he/she will make is that they have not been happy in the relationship for a while but they didn’t want to hurt you. That the sex has not been great too but they let it be again because they didn’t want to hurt you. Think whether your partner showed any sign of regret or guilt before you found out or confronted him. If he/she didn’t feel anything before being confronted then why is all the guilt coming out now? Read the story about how a man was flirting with his colleague and how his wife’s call brought him back to his senses.
10. “You cheated on me first”
There are instances where the accused will turn into the accuser. When you go to confront your partner about the cheating, he/she will start accusing you of cheating instead. He/she will bring up small incidents where he/she felt jealous and will begin to ask questions around them. Even if they know that you have not slept with them, they will tell, ‘But you wanted to!’ This is their way of demeaning you in their bid to remove the blame on themselves. Such a situation happens when your partner doesn’t feel guilty of his/her actions and tries to justify those by demeaning your character instead.
11. “I wasn’t thinking straight. He/she came onto me”
The things cheaters say when confronted are varied. In cases where the cheating partner cannot find a way out, he/she will try to blame it on the person they are cheating with. They will tell you how they told the person that they were in a serious relationship or married but the person still kept seducing them. Your partner will try to play the victim card and try to portray that it was the other person who seduced them and then things went out of control.
The truth is that your partner too was interested in this “other person” which led to the affair. As they say, it takes two hands to clap.
12. “I’m not happy with you”
Another thing that your partner will say is that he/she isn’t happy in the relationship/marriage. They will blame it on the relationship/marriage and even ask you to get out of it. Your partner will admit to cheating on you and will also say that it has been long since they have been planning to end the relationship with you. They will admit to not being happy and will say that the flaws in the relationship led them to find happiness elsewhere. One lady wrote about her husband’s lost libido which drove her into the arms of another man.
Related Reading: How to react to your partner’s extramarital affair
13. ” You’re being paranoid”
You guessed it right. One of the things that cheaters say when confronted is that “You’re being paranoid”. They will outright deny the affair and will blame you for being insecure and jealous when you talk about signs of cheating in the relationship. Make sure that you catch your partner red-handed when you confront him/her because they will try to prove you wrong and buy themselves time to tie other loose ends. Your partner will try to make you feel that there’s nothing to worry about but follow your gut, confront him/her with proof. Here is a piece on why it is important to save evidence against your partner’s cheating.
14. “It was in the past”
“It’s over now. I love you.”
If you’ve confronted your partner for something that happened in the past, make sure that it has ended. Some affairs end the moment the cheating partner realizes that it was a mistake and chooses to continue the relationship/marriage instead of continuing the affair. Your partner may be honest here when he/she tells you that it’s over. Forgiving your cheating partner is solely your decision. Listen to what your partner has to say about it and make a decision.
15. “I don’t love you anymore. I want an out'”
Sometimes when you confront your cheating partner, it gives them an opening to confess how they feel about you, and the relationship/marriage. Your partner may have begun cheating on you with a fling but that fling might have now turned into a love affair. He/she just needed a way to tell you about it and this confrontation has done just this. All relationships/marriages don’t promise a forever after and you need to understand it. This revelation may be painful but it saved you from a dead-end relationship/marriage.
Confronting your cheating partner is painful, especially when you’ve seen your future with this person. But the signs of cheating in your relationship changed it all. Sometimes, partners tend to cheat on you but return to their relationship/marriage once they realize their mistake. Other cheating partners don’t regret their actions and come up with excuses to cover up their affair. And there are the partners that blame it on you when you confront them. Your partner may ask for forgiveness, promising you that he/she will never do it again. Whether or not to give them another chance is your decision.