Is Your Jealous Boyfriend Being Possessive And Controlling?

Dating experience | | Expert Author , Relationship & Intimacy Coach
Updated On: January 18, 2024
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There is a very thin line between jealousy and possessiveness. While harmless jealousy from their partner looks adorable to everyone, it is necessary to draw the line between being jealous and controlling. Once a jealous boyfriend starts questioning every move you make, you’ll end up questioning the strength of your relationship not too long after noticing the signs. 

Do those inquisitive questions stem from curiosity or are underlying trust issues making him ask you if your colleague is “just a friend” or not? The signs he is jealous can be subtle in some cases but when he’s trying to peep at your phone every time you’re using it, you need to be able to figure out if you’ve got an overly jealous boyfriend on your hands.

Is he making faces the minute you engage in conversation with another guy? Is he asking about every male friend you have, obsessed about your relationship with them? To be able to understand and spot the jealous boyfriend signs better, let’s take a look at the kind of behavior you need to look out for.

Who Is A Possessive And Controlling Boyfriend?

The major challenge arises in distinguishing between what’s acceptable and what’s not. Is jealousy a sign of love or insecurity? Though jealousy is a sign of love, saying “I’m only asking because I love you” isn’t going to do anybody any favors. Love demands respect and trust, not doubt and insecurities. A flawed sense of belonging and love might trigger a partner to be illogically envious of every friend their partner has, which is when the “why are you always with him?” questions seem more like attacks.

Jason and Trish (name changed) have been together for more than three years. They graduated from the same high school but, unfortunately, got admissions to different colleges. Jason has always been jealous of how guys used to want Trish’s attention. When Trish was on the verge of going to a co-ed college, Jason insisted, rather, forced her to take admission in a girl’s college, even if the other one was better academically.

Finally, she gave up her seat in the co-ed college and went to the girl’s one as per his wish. This is a classic example of what jealousy does to a relationship and how a person can suffer because of a jealous boyfriend.

David and Haley (names changed) have been together for almost five years. She is a school teacher and David has always been jealous of his partner’s socializing nature. He checks her phone, social media, and all her texts. He starts calling her, interrogating her when she’s 10 minutes late. He constantly accuses her of flirting with other men and never trusts a single word she says. At last, he made her quit her job and stay at home all day. This is how David’s paranoia ruined Haley’s career.

Related Reading: Jealous Girlfriend: 15 Signs She Is Being Over Protective And Driving You Nuts

5 Signs Of A Jealous Boyfriend

Jealousy can be an important emotion to pay attention to but it can also preoccupy you to the point of obsession. You need to realize the difference between what’s acceptable and what’s not. Men are great at hiding their jealousy when they are trying to woo you but once you two are in a relationship, their issues often come to the forefront, and their possessive and controlling behavior starts influencing your dynamic.

Is jealousy a sign of love or insecurity? It is a sign of love if jealousy is within acceptable limits. But if it starts hindering your personal growth, your jealous boyfriend might end up causing long-lasting damage to your confidence.

These are the signs your jealous boyfriend is suffering from paranoia and insecurity, and you might need to address the issues to keep your boundaries healthy.

1. What is the reason for his texts?

It’s important to know why he is texting you. If he messages you to know if you’re okay, that’s normal. But if he obsessively texts you to ask who you’re with and what you’re doing, it signifies a larger problem. You should give your jealous boyfriend a piece of your mind, let him know what he’s doing is not okay.

2. Is he checking your phone?

signs your boyfriend is jealous: he checks your phone
Is he checking your phone?

A faintly jealous guy won’t check your phone, but a possessive man will. He’ll read every message you send or receive. This thing could have an adverse effect on you in the long run and you need to absolutely nip it in the bud. No matter how close you are, going through your phone is just not acceptable.

3. How does he react when you talk to a guy?

A jealous person will tell you if he feels bad when you talk to another guy, but a possessive or controlling man will tell you you can’t talk to other men, as though he can tell you what to do. This entitlement often stems from a jealous, controlling boyfriend who believes he has the authority to dictate your actions.

Even if the disapproval isn’t as evident as him blatantly trying to control your actions, a faint frown every time you talk to another guy should tell you all you need to know.

4. Does he hate the attention you get?

It’s common for men to be a little jealous of the attention you get. A possessive man, however, will fight with you for that recognition you get. A jealous boyfriend who is controlling will also turn manipulative in a relationship to ensure you do not get to interact with too many people or hold that job that gives you a life of your own.

He would hate the attention you get and suffer from paranoia about the people you are interacting with. If every colleague in your life is suddenly a threat to him, it’s usually one of the best jealous boyfriend signs. Instead of being happy for you when you progress in your career, he might be hesitant and worried about the hours you’ll have to commit to work.

And god forbid, you make a new friend of the opposite gender. If he was having a hard time coping with the friends you already had, any new male presence in your life will set the alarm bells off. An overly jealous boyfriend will tell you this new friend you’ve made is trouble, without even ever meeting this new friend.

5. Does he interfere with your aspirations?

A good man will never let his bitterness come in the way of your success but a controlling man will make you give up on every dream that he doesn’t approve of. A jealous boyfriend would ensure you don’t get to chase your dreams because he would always be insecure about losing control over you. 

It seems sinister and he might try to mask his intentions as well but you’ll need to look out for signs like disapproval of a new job or being doubtful of the promotion you just got.

10 Ways To Deal With A Jealous Boyfriend

The signs he is jealous don’t have to be extremely apparent through every word he says. A glare when you talk to a male friend, a disapproving look when you tell him about your new friends, or a possessive inkling to check your phone all signify issues you must deal with immediately.

If your boyfriend has recently started to get quite jealous and possessive or if you’re still in a new relationship and want to stop him from becoming jealous over time, use these ten tips to turn him from a jealous boyfriend to a reassured and happy one.

1. Help him trust you

If he gets paranoid when you are constantly texting on WhatsApp or attending to messages on social media, just keep your phone away from you when you are together. Assure him that there is no one you really need to stay in touch with apart from him.

It’ll require a lot of patience, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt, at least initially. Though you don’t carry the burden of trying to work on his issues, at the same time, you must do all you can to give him every reason to trust you.

Related Reading: Here’s How Not To Let Your Gadgets Pull You and Your Partner Apart

2. Let him know that you love him

Jealousy is both a sign of love and insecurity. So you have to love him back and make the extra effort to show affection to your partner. Relying on vague gestures to get the job done (like eye contact) isn’t really going to end well. Men are infamous for not being able to read between the lines, so make sure you make it obvious that you’re trying to prove your affection.

Reserve your weekends for him, take him out shopping, watch that sports match with him, tell him what you like about him. When you show your jealous, controlling boyfriend that you value him beyond all else, he might just learn to let go of his inhibitions and trust you completely.

3. Give him more attention around your guy friends

Chances are your jealous boyfriend will be jumpy around your guy friends. He might even insist that you avoid them as much as possible. Your strategy should be to take him along when you are meeting them so that he gets an idea of the true nature of your relationship.

Let him know your friends are nothing he needs to worry about, give him attention when you’re out with them and make him acquainted with the people in your life.

Is my boyfriend controlling? Quiz

4. Include him in the conversation

Whenever you are with other people make it a point to include him in the conversation. If you are stuck with a bore at a party take his help to bail you out. Your jealous boyfriend will love this.

The more needed he feels, the more confident he will be about his position in your life. Don’t let his insecurities make him believe that he has no place in your life. Again, it is not your responsibility to “fix” his problems, but you can always lend a helping hand.

5. Involve him in your social activities

When you are socializing or doing community work, include him in them so he feels less insecure. Of course, you don’t have to bring him along for every girl’s night you go out on, but the gist is to make sure he knows about your friends and social circles.

“I didn’t know of a ‘Mark’. Who’s Mark? Why haven’t you told me about him? Are you hiding something?”, your overly jealous boyfriend might say. Make sure this doesn’t happen by telling him about all your friends and involving him in a couple of social activities.

6. Have him in your arms

Give him a hug as often as possible and take him in your arms when you are binge watching Netflix he would feel cocooned and reassured. The idea here is to let him know you value him through continued touch.

Physical touch is often a great way to tell your partner how much you care about them. A surprise hug from the back, a kiss goodnight, a warm cuddle, all go a long way. Watch the signs he is jealous melt away when you cuddle him every chance you get.

Related Reading: How To Deal With Jealousy In Relationships?

7. Call him often when you’re out with friends

No harm in making a call to him when you are out with your friends. Have a small conversation. He would know that he is on your mind even when you are with friends. His paranoia would subside.

However, it’s important to put your foot down and let him know it’s not okay to call you if his inquiries get way too much to handle. “No, it’s not okay when you call me every 10 minutes” or “Please calm down, I’ll talk to you once I’m free” is all it should take to let him know when he’s messing up. Just because you’ve committed to working on his jealousy issues doesn’t mean you need to deal with abuse.

8. Indulge in a bit of PDA with him


Indulging in a bit of PDA when you’re out with him will make him feel more secure. Just be careful about where you are doing it and what you are doing, you don’t want to get caught by the cops. Jokes aside, some PDA will let him know you’re proud of declaring your love in public and you’re not hiding him from the world. An overly jealous boyfriend might also demand PDA. Do it only if you want to, not because he “demands” you too.

9. Tease him when you’re with your girlfriends

This he could find endearing. He is anyway a bit relaxed when you are with the girls and light banter with him could put him at ease and he would feel less insecure.

10. Reassure him instead of getting angry

There’s a possibility that you will get very angry when he unleashes his controlling and possessive ways on you. But the best way to deal with a jealous boyfriend is not to lose your cool. Maintain your composure while remaining steadfast in your stance. He will gradually understand. 

Try the above tips and see if he feels secure around you. However, there may be some underlying issues that he may need counseling or therapy to overcome the impulse if it’s deep-rooted insecurity. However, jealousy is not always easy to deal with as it could involve a toxic relationship, abuse, violence, or threat.

If your boyfriend is exhibiting violent jealousy that could ruin your life, in such a case you should consider seeking help or walking away before it damages you.

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