“My husband is moody and angry all the time. The minute he walks through the door, the energy of the house shifts and the air is heavy with tension. I just don’t know what I can do at this point to help him and our marriage because he seems to have shut me out completely,” Joanna wrote to us, seeking expert insights on how best to deal with the situation. If you’re in a similar situation, you can relate to the frustration and helplessness when your husband is in a bad mood that just seems unfixable.
When you’re going through a rough patch where your husband is moody and distant, it can seem like your marriage has hit a dead end. However, the situation may not necessarily be as bad as it may seem when you’re exhausted from dealing with a moody husband, day in and day out. And a lot of married couples go through these phases where irritation and crankiness reign supreme in their dynamic.
We all know that marriage is not a bed of roses, and coming back home to an irritated spouse can make it even more difficult. Having a cranky husband can be a tough job and you cannot always wish away your spouse’s mood. Living with a moody husband is not easy. On top of that, if your husband is critical, grumpy, and angry all the time, then you could feel stressed and lost as well. So it is important to know how to deal with a cranky husband without jeopardizing your marriage. It is vital that you understand the cause of this problem first and then address it with a composed mind.
What Makes Husbands Cranky?
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“My husband is so negative all the time and I don’t even know what is going to trigger him.” If that’s a sentiment you can relate to, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationship. The unseasiness and prevalent tension stemming from your irritable husband’s mood can make you feel stifled.
When living with a moody spouse makes you feel like you’re being pushed into a corner, it can be hard to look at your husband’s reactions and responses from a place of compassion. However, it is imperative that you do because in understanding the reasons behind his behavior pattern may lie the secret to decoding how to deal with a moody husband. Here are some probable reasons why your husband is moody and distant:
- Patriarchal conditioning: The patriarchal society that we live in forces men to behave in a certain manner. A cranky husband can be a reflection of how he has been raised. He might be trying to live up to a masculine ideal set by someone and feel as if he is constantly failing to do so
- Unmet childhood needs: He may carry emotional trauma of his unmet emotional needs as a child. All those repressed feelings may be coming out in unhealthy ways, leaving you feeling like you’re stuck with an irritable husband
- Mental health issues: Owing to his unresolved emotional issues, he may be dealing with mental health issues such as depression or anxiety that make him seem distant, cold, withdrawn or irritable or snappy
- External factors: Sometimes, his irritable and grumpy mood could just be a reaction to the circumstances he may be dealing with. Perhaps, he is just have a bad day (or days) or may be stressed out because of work pressure and such
- Unresolved relationship issues: If you finding yourself thinking, “My husband is always in a bad mood with me but not others”, it may help to introspect a little and see if there are any unresolved issues between you two that may be driving him away from you and treat you with disdain rather than love and affection
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13 Ways To Deal With A Cranky Husband
“My husband is so negative all the time.” “My husband is moody and angry all the time.” “I’ve a grumpy old husband.” Thoughts like these may begin to weigh you down if your life partner is irritable and short with you, snaps at the slightest of things, and laughter and joy seem to have vanished from your marriage. It may begin to feel as if you’re stuck in a loveless marriage with no hope of reconciliation.
However, your marriage may not be the lost cause your emotionally distraught mind is making it out to be. Once you assess the possible reasons behind your irritable husband’s behavior, you may have some sort of an idea about how to deal with a moody husband. You no longer have to resign to the fate of living with a grumpy old husband not knowing why he has constant mood swings, and lamenting, “Husband is in a bad mood with me.”
Now that you have already taken a step in the right direction, we’re here to help you make progress in your efforts to remedy the situation. To that end, here are 13 ways that can help you deal with a cranky husband:
1. Hear him out
It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-pity and say, “I’ve a grumpy old husband who has no interest in me or in making this marriage work.” How about instead of lamenting what’s not working in your marriage, you take proactive measures to set things right. For that, it is important that you listen to what he says before falling into the trap of making a judgment.
He might be annoyed because of a genuine reason. He can show his anger nowhere but in front of you and if you create a wall as well, he might have nowhere to go. Let your cranky husband vent as much as he can and hear him out patiently to find out what’s wrong so you can help him deal with it in a healthy way. Being a good listener is extremely important to the health of a relationship and can help you deal with your issues so much more effectively.
2. Apologize
If you find yourself at a loss for direction and can’t help but wonder all the the time, “My husband is moody and angry all the time, what can I do to remedy the situation?”, try offering him a heartfelt apology for not being able to help him when he’s clearly going through something. It is okay to apologize at times if that’s what it takes to make him feel better because chances are that as soon as you apologize, he will realize what it was that was truly making him angry and will admit it as well.
Your grumpy and irritable husband might be bothered by a deeper issue that he might reveal to you immediately after you show some kindness toward him. If it’s something big, he might even break down. Apologizing to someone you love is an ice-breaking technique that never fails to work in any relationship. It will calm him down and he will be able to think clearly. He will also respect you for actually apologizing to make him feel calm when it wasn’t even your fault. It is what you do to stop people from being angry.
Related Reading: 10 Skilful Ways To Deal With An Angry Husband
3. Don’t feel offended
While it is okay to feel bad about what he said to you when he was angry, it is important to remind yourself that he possibly did not mean it and try not to get offended by it . Remember, he is cranky, and may use complaining and cribbing as a way to release the pent up of negative emotions. Saying hurtful things in a relationship surely harms it but it will be some time before he can actually weigh out what he is saying.
You will have to deal with him in a calm manner and understand that he is going through something crucial that is leading to his snappy behavior. It is easier said than done but try as much as you can, to not take his words personally. However, if he ends up saying really hurtful things that are borderline verbally abusive, you have to draw the line and let him know when he’s calmer that he cannot treat you that way. He can’t take you for granted.
4. Understand the cause of his behavior
If your husband is moody and distant, It is imperative to understand what is causing him to behave this way. There has to be a reason behind his cranky behavior. It could be his boss at work, his suppressed feelings coming out, or a major life crisis that he is keeping to himself. You will have to sit him down and talk to him and help him get through it. Effective communication has the power to solve even the biggest crisis.
It could be also that he has seen his father behaving like that with his mother and he has imbibed that grumpy husband trait. Your husband is moody and distant simply because he has seen his father like that and feels that’s the right way to be. Probe him a little and you can get to the bottom of this.
Related Reading: 11 Ways To Improve Communication In Relationships
5. Give him space
How to deal with a moody husband? One of the simplest ways of dealing with this issue can be to distance yourself from this situation for some time. Space is often underrated. In a relationship, giving your partner some personal space helps them sort out their issues, deal with their insecurities and think through their problems independently. It helps nurture a relationship and allows it to grow and flourish.
Your moody husband might be facing something huge in his life and there might be a reason why he did not share it with you. It might be evident in his behavior that he is bothered by something but he doesn’t want to admit it to you yet as a supportive spouse, must give him his space until he is ready to share. It is not right to pounce on a grumpy husband or nag him if he is not ready.
Instead, take some time off – an evening, a day, a weekend – and immerse yourself in something that you enjoy and that brings you joy. Dealing with a moody husband can leave you emotionally drained. So use this time to replenish yourself while giving your husband the space to work through his emotional turmoil.
6. Treat him with care and affection
We all need a little bit of love and understanding when we are going through something. It’s the same with men although, often they might not say it, be sure that they crave love and care just as much as the next person. As a wife, it might get hard for you to deal with a cranky husband or a husband who is always in a bad mood but try your best to deal with him affectionately.
Making a few small romantic gesture for him may be all you need to get the tension in your relationship to simmer down. Sometimes, love can be the best sword to win battles. We can understand that being romantic or loving may not be the easiest thing when your husband is moody and distant but you ought to try.
When he is upset, you can go to him, kiss him on the forehead and reassure him that no matter what it is, it will all be okay eventually.This might just do the trick! Little things go a long way. If you have a critical husband, your affection can win him over. And you do not really need to fixate over knowing the reason why your husband is upset, you just need to tell him you are there for him.
7. Use your sense of humor appropriately
As they say, couples that laugh together, stay together. If romance doesn’t work, then humor just might. Provided, you use it appropriately. Remember, it is a double-edged sword. It can either make him burst into laughter and forget what was bothering him or offend him even further. When he is angry, a light joke about something may lighten the mood as long as it is not offensive in any manner.
Remember there is a fine line between humor and sarcasm. Don’t take potshots at him or make snide remarks in the name of humor and then expect him to warm up to you. If you use humor and jokes as a means to release your resentment toward him and the state of your marriage, there is a good chance you may further alienate your irritable husband.
8. Agree with him for the time being
Dealing with a moody husband entails striking a fine balance between knowing when to stand your ground and when you let a few things slide. In the interest of striking this balance, you may want to consider agreeing with his point of view on the issues that are bothering him. You may not want to because you are not a pushover but when he is boiling in rage, it is best for you to agree with him at the moment instead of provoking him even further. Or you can choose to stay neutral and just hear him out without disagreeing.
That doesn’t mean he is right and you are wrong. It just means that you value the relationship and his mental health much more than you value winning an argument. Be the mature one and simply nod your head. You can always go back to him when he has calmed down and make him understand your point of view.
9. Keep reminding him that he is important to you
A person who is tired of dealing with something all by himself is definitely going to be irritable and moody. He is going to be snappy all the time. We’re not condoning the behavior of your moody spouse, but just giving you an alternative perspective on the situation: being impatient and irritable is a natural reaction when a person feels overwhelmed by their circumstance.
In dealing with a moody husband, compassion and empathy are your best friends. You must try to put yourself in his shoes to understand why he may be behaving the way he is. And give him the love he craves, from within. Keep telling your cranky husband, that no matter what, he has always been and will always be the most important person in your life. Remind him of that and he will gradually stop directing his anger toward you. Reassure, show love and be kind at all times.
10. Don’t make his grumpiness a cause for argument
The people we love get the best of us and the worst of us. If your husband is moody and angry all the time, then chances are it’s a side of him he shows to you. Generally, when people get angry at their own family members, it is because they cannot get angry with anyone else. They become frustrated and start shouting at everyone and everything mindlessly. It is true that you might be frustrated as well and at the end of the day, coming home to a grumpy husband is not what anyone dreams of. But try not to retaliate.
Look at this in an objective manner without letting your grumpy husband’s mood rub off on you. Try to not make his behavior a cause for your next argument otherwise, both of you will get stuck in the trap of being disappointed. Sometimes, to have a healthy marriage, you have to remain calm even if that is not the first thing that comes to your mind.
11. Reflect on his complaints
If you find yourself wondering, “My husband is always in a bad mood with me”, or “Why is my husband moody and distant?”, or “Why is my husband moody and angry and keeps complaining all the time?”, may be take a moment to reflect on his complaints and see if there is any merit to them.
He might be complaining all day about everything and most of it might just seem like useless outbursts but don’t dismiss them off hand, telling yourself, “I’ve a grumpy old husband who just keeps complaining about every little thing.” Pay attention and these could reveal a deeper issue and help you understand what is actually bothering him.
Related Reading: Top 15 Signs Of A Selfish Husband
12. Tell him when he is right
How to deal with a moody husband? Make a conscious effort to break away from the pattern of bickering, arguing, snapping at each other, and blame-shifting to wriggle out of accountability for your actions. The simplest way of doing that is to show him some acknowledgement and appreciation.
If you think that some of the things said by him are right, acknowledge them. Nothing will boost his confidence more than that. The fact that you support him will mean a lot to him in this difficult time in his life. However, you also must ensure that you do not agree with the things that you know are wrong for sure. That is bad for both you and him in the long run.
13. Do things that make him happy
Sometimes, when nothing else works, it is the little things that can make a big impact. Cook him his favorite meal and win his heart with food or simply watch a football match with him with some popcorn to lighten up the vibe in your marriage. Make a date night out of it and use this opportunity to connect with him all over again.
If you do these things for him, he will realize that you are with him and not against him and it will make it easy for him to deal with his problems and your relationship with him will flourish. Dealing with a cranky husband is no piece of cake. It requires heaps of patience and you leave no stone unturned in order to bring him back on track. During this time, it is important for you to make sure that your mental health doesn’t get affected.
If you think that your husband has a snappy attitude that is not due to an underlying cause and you have tried everything in the book, you should not suffer for no reason. If it is getting unbearable or taking a toll on your life, you can go to a marriage counselor and seek help. If you’re looking for help, experienced and skilled counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
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Always apologize???? Are you kidding???