How you perceive the signs a guy is pretending to be straight is subject to how you view the world and how well you know the person in question. Of course, you’re not going to know someone’s sexual orientation until they tell you about it, but when it’s your supposedly straight husband you’re dealing with, that conversation may not be the easiest to approach.
If it were financial issues that have been plaguing a marriage, conversations and planning around it can help manage the issue. Even if it’s jealousy, the monotony of a long-term relationship or resentment, the first step toward reconciliation is effective communication.
But when it comes to how to tell if he’s gay, communication isn’t something you can dive into, especially without even having a justified reason to bring it up in the first place. Let’s take a look at the signs of a gay man pretending to be straight so you can begin to make sense of what’s going on around you.
Gay Men Who Married Women: The Unrest That Follows
Nabeel met Kiara through a family friend. She was in her late 20s, her professional life was successful and she was keen to take the marital plunge. Nabeel made great coffee and conversation, owned a popular restaurant chain, had a fetish for exploring world cuisine, enjoyed reading, and never missed a single episode of Friends.
His fine taste in life was well reflected in the shopping bags. She definitely wasn’t complaining. A new relationship blossomed, and things moved quickly. The wedding and the reception had a stamp of class and Nabeel’s personal touch.
The wedding night, however, did not follow the conventional conjugal script. “Here’s a man who isn’t rushing, perhaps he intends to create a bond before the bed bonhomie,” she thought. Though she had heard of stories where gay men married women, the thought never once crossed her mind.
The days turned into weeks. Promises of a European honeymoon faded away, too. His reason: “Labor union problems at one of the restaurants.” We were already a few months into the marriage and by now were at ease in each other’s company, while in bed, a pillow divided them.
Kiara found a couple of gay magazines and a pack of condoms in the guest bedroom, just a few months short of their first anniversary. Later that evening, she subtly inquired and he replied that a friend had forgotten them. Hushed whispers about a close relationship with his manager soon began making the rounds. Her family chauffeur dropped veiled hints about hearing not-so-nice things. She ignored the clamor and hoped for a better tomorrow, which showed no sign of appearing.
Related Reading: 7 Signs Your Husband Is Gay, And 5 Ways YOU Can Help Him Come Out
Every time the “sex” word was mentioned, he would get furious. On the other hand, he made sure she acquired a few more diamonds and designer dresses. Her marriage remained unconsummated for a year. Following the advice of her best friend, Kiara was persistently seeking an answer on a humid night in June. Something snapped in him and he kicked the coffee table, breaking its glass top. A verbal assault followed, and finally the truth, “Yes, I am gay. I want nothing to do with you.” After one and half years of the fake relationship, Kiara felt broken.
Her mother offered no solace. “Don’t be impulsive. He’s just angry. A lot goes into making a marriage work. Your father isn’t alive, your brother has his own family. It’s not like before.” When she realized she couldn’t count on the people around her or her own husband to support her, she knew she had to walk out.
The divorce was mutual, and she managed to find her professional footing again. Though a situation where gay men married women may seem like a reality that’s far too uncommon, it may well not be. If your gut has brought you to this article, that’s reason enough for you to be concerned.
Signs A Guy Is Pretending To Be Straight
For many reasons, a person may wish to keep their sexual orientation to themselves. Unless the situation does not immediately affect the lives of others around them, say, for example, when there’s a gay man straight woman relationship, there’s really no need to be trying to spot the signs a guy is pretending to be straight.
It’s also important to note that just because a partner may be evasive or secretive, does not indicate that they’re hiding their sexual orientation. Even some sexual behaviors like a preference for anal sex or constantly hanging out with friends of the same sex may not be the nail in the coffin that you’re looking for.
Concrete proof of a gay partner can only come through a declaration made by them, but coming out is often a stressful situation, especially when they’ve been trying to mask it. Though you must approach the following with a grain of salt, let’s take a look at the potential signs a guy is pretending to be straight:
Related Reading: Coming Out Of The Closet: 4 Gay Coming Out Stories
1. He never initiates or partakes in any straight sex
One of the biggest closeted man signs is how he’s never going to initiate sex or even make it seem like he’s slightly interested. However, it’s also important to note that having a decreased libido due to external reasons is commonplace in every marriage, and doesn’t immediately signify that you’ve got a gay partner.
Moreover, the fact that your partner is not indulging in sex could also mean that they’re asexual or have started to dislike the activity of sex for a multitude of reasons. That being said, it’s no surprise that one of the possible reasons why your partner never has straight sex is because they’re homosexual.
In extreme cases, a desire for sex by a straight partner might be met with verbal abuse. If the gay partner indulges in sex, the performance may appear more mechanical than enjoyable.
2. You find suggestive apps on his phone
Trying to figure out how to tell if he’s gay? Finding dating apps like Grindr could be the dead giveaway. Especially when there’s more than one gay dating app, they won’t be able to shrug it off by saying they were curious. If it’s someone you’re romantically involved with, the presence of such apps also strongly suggests that they’re cheating on you as well.
It’s one of the biggest gay signs and can answer a bunch of questions, especially if you manage to find out what’s going on inside the apps as well. Keep in mind that going through his phone without his knowledge is a major invasion of his privacy.
3. There’s secrecy and a lot of lies
In a gay man straight woman relationship, there’s a good chance there’s going to be some infidelity involved. Where there’s infidelity in a relationship, there’s also secrecy, shifty behavior, and lies. One of the manifestations of the deception is going to be the secrecy about who he spends his time with.
You won’t know who he calls his friends, since he never introduces them to you. You won’t know much about their lives either, since he never talks about them much. If there truly is infidelity involved, spotting the signs of an unfaithful partner can be of help as well.
4. His porn viewing habits may be the biggest closeted man signs
Of course, sexual orientation defines the kind of porn a person likes to view. One of the major gay signs in any person is when they’re watching gay porn. You’ll have to probably snoop around in their search history to figure this one out, but it’s one of the clear signs of a gay man pretending to be straight that you can ever come across.
5. His mental health may spiral
When gay men marry women who are straight, they’re eventually going to feel “trapped” in the marriage, approaching the stage of a relationship burnout rather quickly. A mid-life crisis may ensue, and you may witness him getting visibly depressed over the course of your marriage.
Of course, it’s important to note that mental health alone isn’t one of the signs a guy is pretending to be straight. But if that is the case, it’s clear to see how something as major as having to hide their sexual orientation can result in a depressed mood and other mental health issues.
6. As a defense mechanism, he may ridicule other homosexuals
According to studies, homophobia is closely related to homosexualism. Homophobic men may experience homosexual arousal that they are either unaware of or actively deny. It may sound contradictory, but it may just be an attempt at protecting the reality they have cultivated by convincing themselves that they hate the thing they’re trying to avoid.
As we mentioned, the signs a guy is pretending to be straight can be difficult to spot, and how to tell if he’s gay can only be truthfully established when the person himself wishes to honestly answer the question. If you, your partner or someone you know is struggling to accept their sexual orientation, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists can help.