My Encounter with Depression: Thoughts of a Damaged Soul

Living with depression seems to be the norm today in India as 2018 depression statistics identify India as the most depressed country in the world, with most cases of depression being left untreated or undiagnosed in the first place. Top Bollywood actress Deepika Padukone has opened up about her clinical depression and the signs of depression that unknowingly crept in, post the end of her high-profile relationship with actor Ranbir Kapoor.

Are anxiety and depression related? 

Well, yes, say various renowned psychiatrists and researchers working full-time in the field of mental health.  Depression symptoms should never be ignored. Suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts and depression are likely to affect your domestic and social life and your performance in the workplace and beware, the impact is long-lasting and the repercussions severe. You can consult a psychiatrist before it’s too late.

This is how my depression began

Once you’re promoted from the school level to the college level, you have certain dreams and aspirations. I too dreamt of great college life for myself. However, things turned out to be exactly the opposite as I faced cruelty and harassment from Day 1 in college, mostly pertaining to people’s disregard of my sexual orientation. I was specifically asked to have a more feminine demeanour by certain classmates of mine.

The bullying and mental abuse had started from the school itself, in college it took a turn for the worse. Because no one actually cared about how I felt. But they care about putting me down, very much.

I’ve won multiple competitions at my own college and others. My work has been published in my departmental magazine. But I haven’t found mental and emotional peace, not one bit. Even my eyes are tearful as I write these words describing days of immense pain. Certain people in college have given me days of immeasurable trauma and I have to see them every day. I can’t do anything about it.

I wonder when I look back in life, the initial 20 years, or essentially the first 1/4th part of my life why I don’t know I have this feeling it is a disaster.

There is no rainbow which can take away this darkness

Earlier I used to be very emotionally inclined towards attending LGBTQ pride walks and marches, even pride carnival. Now I’ve realized it is all a hoax. Nothing can heal this indescribable mental anguish and emotional trauma that I feel.

Life will go on in its due course, and I will go on with my daily work and struggles. It’s literally a pain to do most things because of my depression, yet I do them anyway without complaining or cribbing because I know people won’t help me. Even if I pay someone to listen to what I’ve been through, they will lack empathy and do it in a clinically ruthless manner.

I don’t have a single person, who I can say, actually cares for me. There is no way but to accept this, ignore the pain as much as I can and continue with my daily work and struggles like a lifeless mannequin.

A day out with my lover and the memories associated with it which I deeply cherish

Those dried scarlet rose petals and olive green rose stem from the pavements outside Victoria Memorial are still nestled in a small compartment in my bag. It’s that pure and sacred to me, I want to cherish it for a lifetime. I couldn’t save the other memento I had from our previous encounter, though; you know which one I’m referring to!

Moments with you seem to be endless and endearingly beautiful and time completely slips out of our grasp.
You are the lovable protective shelter I have and with me, you can be freely expressive and completely boundless.

My Thoughts On Happiness

1. Happiness is like a flickering candle. You never know when it might leave you in the dark.
2. Happiness is a state of mind, which honestly, I’ve been scared of for a long time.

Why do I hate myself so much? Living with dark thoughts and urges

I think the self-loathing started very much while I was in the school itself, 9th and 10th standard were successively the worst years with terrible instances of bullying by my classmates because I was prominently different from others.

I failed to defend myself and somehow it marked the beginning of my lack of self esteem. Scoring well in exams though, was the only saving grace.

I left my previous school due to the mental trauma I faced there from friends, teachers and even the principal ma’am herself. The next 2 years saw me living like a saint in a school with an ashram set up and withdrawing myself from most social contacts, focusing only on my studies. Now I hate myself for that. Why wasn’t I outgoing enough to actually enjoy life with my friends there?

I had the most remarkable achievement of falling in love for the first time with my very attractive classmate, KD. But that was a different story altogether.

College was a mess right from the start. Top-notch college with high-class people, I received the worst culture shock of my life, has always come from a humble background. I broke down in class publicly in February 2018. This happened after I saw A in a weird 3-people make-out session in a hookah bar.

A was the pansexual and polyamorous girl I fell in love with for the second time and life has never been the same after that. It changed me, my outlook on life and literally destroyed me.

Cut to 2019. I had flings with various people after that. Life’s good, but I can’t recognize the new me anymore.