I can’t say my marriage has been 7 years of non-stop bliss but when this lady, whom I didn’t know at all, sent me an SMS I went into a shock. It kind of opened a can of worms in our relationship, that had been already bumpy, and I had been ignoring a lot of the issues. I didn’t have trust issues though. My husband’s extra marital affair brought the reality to the fore.
How I Discovered My Husband’s Extra-Marital Affair
I got this SMS from a lady saying: “Tell your husband to stay away from me.” When I confronted my husband regarding the SMS he said she was just a friend. They were close in the training college where they worked. Everyone liked her but he was great friends with her that’s all. When I asked him how come I had never heard of her, he dodged the question and then told me all kinds of lies and tried to convince me that there was nothing between them. When I kept grilling him he finally came out with the truth that he was having an affair with her for a long time and he wanted to break up with her so she got angry and texted me as revenge.
We had a hush-hush court marriage
My husband and I were in love and we were not sure our families would accept our marriage so we went ahead and had a court marriage 7 years back, which we kept a secret. Finally, our families came around, parents met and we were formally married with rituals 6 years back. During our courtship, I did notice my husband was constantly on the phone and I had to often throw tantrums and he would agree to spend time with me, but I treated it as minor hiccups in the relationship and just a very guy-girl problem.
He wouldn’t consummate the marriage
My husband refused to consummate the marriage. From our very first night, he would satisfy himself through masturbation and never bothered about intimacy. I tried very hard to get close to him but he wasn’t interested and this led to immense frustration. We would keep having tiffs and fights over all these issues and finally, around 3 years back he called my parents and said he wanted a divorce. I wasn’t aware then that he had made up things about me and told then.
Parents from both sides came home and told us to settle things amicably. We pushed the issues under the carpet.
I don’t know what to do after this affair
When I came to know about this extra marital affair I told both sets of parents. That’s when his father told me that he was aware that I was also having relationships outside the marriage. I understood what a conniving, bad person my husband is. He was painting me badly so that he could carry on with his life. I had trusted him with all my heart and now when I look back the tell-tale signs were all there and I just didn’t see the red flags.
I am at a loss. Can you please tell what I should do?
Your story is indeed challenging. But here are a few points for you to consider.
Why wasn’t your husband interested in consummating your marriage?
Why didn’t you inform your elders about your husband’s lack of interest in building a physical relationship with you from the beginning? This is an issue to be considered. Maybe there is something you don’t know that is going on with him or in his life.
An affair is an eye-opener in many ways
An affair states that all is not well between the couple. Your husband got involved with his fellow trainer as she was his trophy girlfriend in the centre. All men wanted to gain her affection but your husband succeeded. Maybe the thrill of such pursuits excites him? An element of mystery perhaps?
Have you worked at your equation with your husband?
Marriage takes inner work and collective efforts for it to grow and stay healthy. That you are hurt is understandable, but can you honestly say that you have tried to calmly address issues between the two of you? Before calling the elders, you could have had a candid and mature discussion with your husband. Impulsive actions meet with equally impulsive results which may not help the cause at hand.
What do you want to do now?
Cheating is hard to accept, and forgive. It would be tough to forget it too. Do you wish to resolve issues and make your marriage work or leave your husband? This is a choice you need to make after careful thought.
It would be better for you to seek counselling to heal from the hurt and anger issues you seem to be facing currently. Please see a competent psychologist gain further clarity enabling you to make an appropriate decision.
All the best