Love is tricky, especially in long-term relationships. It asks for so much and such opposites. And it is so fickle, changing its essence and degree constantly; romance, eroticism, sex, affection, companionship, security, validation. Some facet is always being pushed back while another takes the front seat(s). At times all of them come to play creating those famed moments of feeling complete-mind, body and soul and at times the two people in love just seem to pull along on what has been created in those moments of completion. Sometimes love needs intense action, at others the knowledge that one is loved in enough to just chug along.
And then, love also houses within its folds, the very opposite of what love is generally associated with. Hatred and ill feeling, so much so that one can die or kill for it. Crimes of passion have been recorded in every era and culture. And then love carries the burden of its need to possess the beloved. Which almost always trespasses on the others’ rights and liberties. And yet when in its fold the lovers willingly submit to the other; the drama begins when the essence changes; as it inevitably will. Besides conflict is always a part of intimacy, isn’t it?
And yet life seems pointless without having people we can love and care for. The need to be loved is hardwired in our DNA, however much we may claim to be independent and self-contained. We all need witnesses to our lives to feel that we matter, to some out there, otherwise we would just be a number in this huge mass of 6 billion plus that we are. We are herd creatures, perhaps that is the only way we could have survived back then and thus we are helpless in the face of this millions of years of coded instincts in our genes. They say the biggest ailment that assails the developed world is loneliness.
And yet love is a bundle of paradoxes! And so are we….
For craving for continuous erotic passion but needing a deep comforting affection
For wanting to belong to one but irremediably tempted by others
For demanding space one moment and aching to merge the next
For demanding the right to explore but anxious to home as soon as the terror of the distance dawns
For the impulse to tell all and know all but become bored as soon as we know all
For aching with loneliness but seething due to differences
For demanding space…but not wanting to give it
For asking for freedom, but not willing to reciprocate
For sometimes hating the person we love and not having the courage to acknowledge it
For exploiting the vulnerabilities of our loved ones, just because we know we can
For hurting the person we love even as we know we should forgo and forget
For knowing that loving more means less power, and more power means I love less; not accepting one and not understanding the other
For demanding unconditional acceptance but holding the loved one accountable for every little folly
For knowing that the person who allures us also repels us at times
To abhor being possessed but always trying to own
Related reading: Confessions of a jealous girlfriend
For the need to be one and yet the impulse to be more in that one (power plays)
For seeing the beauty of commitment and the tediousness of it too
And so here on this site, we invite everyone to speak of their experiences of loving and longing, its conflicts and its beauty. Of the sense of infinity t it offers and also its fleetingness. Of the inevitability of pain and pleasure that being in love entails, its juggle…endless juggle.
We will keep bringing you researched facts and expert opinions, articles and dissertations. We will create surveys and polls that will make you think from your bones…
Most importantly, Bonobology will nudge you to think, rethink, debate and listen to other voices, and help find your own.