“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up.” Who’s the first person that came to your mind after reading these wise words by Dr. Ramani Durvasula? A narcissistic husband is the bane of mental peace and healthy relationships. He poses countless challenges with his self-centered approach toward life and love. If you’re trying to cope with being married to a narcissist, you’re in the right place.
Over the last few years, there has been a lot of focus among psychologists on narcissism. It is now being considered as a major personality disorder. Narcissistic individuals are obsessed about themselves, have an inflated sense of ego, desperately seek attention and have troubled relationships. This description is exhausting enough to read, let alone live with.
You must be struggling quite a bit with your partner if you’re looking at the signs of narcissistic husband. But let’s put your mind to rest by giving you some clarity on this front. We begin by outlining a few basic concepts with the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert. She’s here with a few words of advice and a lot of answers for your questions.
Who Is A Narcissistic Husband?
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From a sociological perspective, the male ego has often been blamed for unhappy marriages. In many cultures, a sense of entitlement, a refusal to see their wife’s point of view, a lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self, has defined “bad husbands.” But all of these traits have their roots in narcissism. What a woman may peg as a massive ego and superiority complex, is perhaps nothing but a mask to shield a fragile self-esteem.
Living with a narcissistic husband entails walking on eggshells. The slightest bit of criticism can make him blow his fuse. Supremely confident in his abilities and opinions, such an individual will never second-guess himself. Your opinions will take the backseat as he powers his way through your world with a selfish approach. Calling him self-absorbed is an understatement.
Jaseena explains, “The obstacles arise because your spouse is someone you’re trying to build a future with. This is the most intimate relationship you share with someone. A marriage is the ultimate partnership. Being married to a narcissist means having to deal with their projections, gaslighting, love-bombing, etc. It becomes confusing to tackle this chaos and you might wonder, ‘Am I going wrong somewhere?'”
A narcissistic husband may not necessarily be abusive or violent but his constant need for attention and the lack of empathy for others is seriously annoying. The side effects of being married to a narcissist is that your own confidence can take a beating as you direct all your energy toward managing his insecurities. To understand whether your husband can be categorized as a narcissist or not, take a look at the signs given below.
Signs Of A Narcissistic Husband
Despite their façade of confidence, narcissistic men are generally unhappy. They struggle with seeing others progress and thrive. The inner turmoil is a result of competitiveness, jealousy, a low self-esteem and a lot of emotional baggage. Their inner conflict affects each sphere of life including their relationship with their significant other.
Such marriages might not be terrible but living with a narcissistic husband has its own challenges. It would be worthwhile to recognize the traits, so that you can cope with the problem once you are armed with knowledge about its facets. Having a narcissist for a husband requires you to go into battle fully prepared.
1. He needs to be in control
A husband who is narcissist will insist on having the last word all the time. He won’t think twice before cancelling plans or making new ones without consulting you. Things MUST go his way or he’ll sulk for a long time. This might even lead him to micro-manage things (or you). This obsessive need to be in control at all times is a dead giveaway of narcissism.
Jaseena says, “A dominating personality is one of the preliminary signs. The approach is something along the lines of ‘my way or the highway.’ Needless to say, this is very problematic. You have to accommodate another person’s needs and wishes into your scheme of things.”
Related Reading: 8 Ways To Stay Sane While Divorcing A Narcissistic Husband
2. A narcissistic husband puts you down
A narcissistic husband will speak to you in a condescending manner, subtly or obviously. It will be very evident that he disrespects you; even his compliments/appreciation will be backhanded. On other instances, he will try and take credit for your achievements. Here’s a classic statement – “Look how well you’ve done under my guidance.”
3. He is charming and overtly sexual
Yes, this might sound like a great trait but that’s because a narcissistic man has a lot of confidence in himself; he exudes charm and his sexual prowess is just another way of indulging his vanity. His smooth ways might get off-putting after a while. The fascination wears off and you see him for what he really is, an egotistical person. This is one of the most subtle narcissistic husband traits.
4. The support is selective when you’re living with a narcissistic husband
You might feel like he really stands by you. Sure, he might. But only on certain occasions – the ones that reflect well on him. He will come to your networking dinner, not because he is proud of you, but so that he can make an impression on others. The word you’re looking for is ‘self-serving’. It’s awful to deal with a narcissistic husband because he is willing to make an effort as long as the outcome is in his favor.
5. What are the signs of a narcissistic husband? He has a sense of entitlement
In his ‘I, me, and myself’ world, he expects you to adjust with his whims and fancies. Does he plan to take you out for dinner? Chances are, it’ll be a restaurant he loves, a cuisine he enjoys, and a time that’s convenient for him. This is a classic case of being married to a narcissist. Your romantic dates are overshadowed by his self-conceit.
Jaseena explains, “A wife is always on the compromising end in such a marriage. Because he’s so sure of his place in their relationship, the entitlement means that his default setting is his preference, the spouse’s views are hardly taken into consideration.”
6. They love conversations…about themselves
Your husband listens to your problems but makes them about himself. He likes to hold the attention of a crowd, but only so that he can bras about his achievements. You feel unheard in the relationship because he’s not very interested or involved in your life. On the rare occasions that he does listen to you, there’s a distinct lack of empathy. He’s his favorite and there’s not much you can do about it.
7. He does not fulfill his promises – Narcissistic husband traits
This is one of the defining traits of a narcissist. One of the reasons why it is so challenging to survive a narcissistic husband is because he rarely keeps his promises. It may not be deliberate, but he just does not think it’s a big deal. This might create trust issues for you in the marriage… Not following through on promises repeatedly has far-reaching consequences.
8. Your problems are seen through his prism
Say you face a terrible situation in life – getting fired, losing a loved one, or some embarrassing situation involving a relative or friend. You need support in this vulnerable state, but what does your husband do? He wonders how it will affect his reputation or his life. Even his solutions might be filtered through that prism of self-interest. Putting you first is not on his agenda.
Related Reading: What To Do If You Think Your Husband Hates You?
9. Why is being married to a narcissist so hard? Others’ opinions are important to him
Since a narcissist has an overriding need for approval from others, he might not value your choice or opinion on matters. After all, you are already in the bag and he doesn’t need to impress you anymore. On the other hand, it matters to him what neighbors, bosses, friends or acquaintances think. Your husband’s people pleasing antics must have gotten on your nerve at some point or the other.
Jaseena says, “He will seek validation from his social circle. This is taxing for the spouse because his efforts are seldom channeled toward the marriage. A person feels emotionally neglected when the narcissistic husband’s focus lies on winning over others.”
10. A narcissistic husband competes with you
Staying married to a narcissistic husband can be very difficult if both of you are in the same profession. Or worse, in the same office. He doesn’t mind your success but he wants to be better than you. This desire to win the race is probably a a point of contention in your marriage; if you get a promotion but he doesn’t, God help you.
11. A narcissist fishes for compliments
While self-confidence might be one of the traits of a narcissist, a school of of thought suggests that they only appear to be confident. If you don’t pay much attention, they demand it. And usually they use other people – often those who are a bit meek or submissive – to supplement their sense of self-worth. This is why you should not feed their egos with praise. A lack of attention will make a narcissist miserable instantly.
12. He wants to have the last word in an argument
Fights are a part and parcel of a relationship. But arguing with a narcissistic husband in an exercise in futility. As he loves the sound of his voice, he’ll rarely let you get a word in. The fight becomes a battle of egos and conflict resolution exits the picture. It is impossible to make them understand your perspective because they want to ‘win’ the fight.
Jaseena explains, “Living with a narcissist is extremely difficult. There’s very little scope of getting through to them. You might keep wondering what has triggered their behavior. Did you warrant such a reaction or outburst? No, you didn’t. His priorities are a little skewed, even in an argument. He’s striving to ‘give it back’ to you.”
13. He doesn’t have many friends
Ask yourself whether your husband has meaningful friendships. Probably not. Narcissists have casual acquaintances who they can hang out with or those who feed their ego. This is why a narcissist struggles with sustaining connections over a period of time. Eventually, people stop gratifying them, so they get bored of the relationship.
Related Reading: 8 Signs of Covert Narcissist Hoovering And How You Should Respond
14. He picks on you
Initially, it might seem like a joke. But you soon realize that it’s impossible to talk to a narcissistic husband because he pokes fun at everything you say or do. It can get harrowing to live with a person who thinks they have a wacky sense of humor. His jibes border on taunts and he’s completely unaware that he’s hurting you.
15. What’s one of the most evident signs of a narcissistic husband? He gaslights you
Since narcissists are manipulators, they may use all forms of verbal and emotional abuse to make you feel insecure, underconfident and doubtful. Your narcissistic husband will turn the tables on you when you voice your concerns. He’ll blame you for the problem, invalidate your emotions and play the victim
Jaseena says, “Gaslighting is a form of passive aggression. A narcissist will keep putting his wife on the spot, blaming her for his behavior. It is one of the more obvious signs you can see. He might use gaslighting phrases like, ‘this happened because you did XYZ’ or ‘you have no one to blame but yourself.'”
16. A narcissist struggles with commitment
What did I say about narcissists getting bored of people? A marriage is the highest level of commitment where things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. The relationship will have rough patches, conflicts and differences. Working through them requires patience and perseverance – something a narcissist lacks. There might be instances of sexual and emotional infidelity as well, if you’re married to a narcissist.
17. He will never apologize – Being married to a narcissist
Taking accountability is not a narcissist’s strongest suit. He won’t admit his mistakes or apologize at any cost. How do you handle someone who refuses to acknowledge his errors? The marriage suffers when a spouse can’t assume responsibility for his actions. Unknowingly, the narcissist is self-sabotaging the relationship.
18. He won’t stand for divorce
Despite your narcissistic husband’s flaws (which he won’t admit to), he will panic if you take the step of breaking away from him. Perhaps it’s his ego that won’t allow you to walk away, or he needs someone to latch on to. If you speak of parting ways, he will move heaven and earth to win you back. This on-again, off-again relationship pattern is common to narcissists.
19. A narcissistic husband has a huge ego
This is one of the worst narcissistic husband traits. His delusions of grandeur and an exaggerated sense of self, obviously result in a huge ego. Any attempt to poke it will be met with backlash. Your husband is convinced that he’s an expert on most subjects. He knows best and people should adhere to his advice. Please don’t try and give any reality checks because he’ll push back with greater force.
Related Reading: Dating A Narcissist? Here Are The Signs And How It Changes You
20. His relationships have always been troubled
You may not have realized this when you married him but have you ever tried finding out why his past relationships failed? Does he always blame his previous girlfriends for things that did not go right? Did he ever take the blame for any of his relationships not working out? Nope. I hope you’re seeing the pattern of blame-shifting here.
21. A narcissist loves giving advice
Another easily predictable trait! Since they think so highly of themselves, they love to dispense advice, solicited or unsolicited. Their two cents are more like two dollars. Does your husband also launch into a monologue about what he thinks of something? Interrupting him is pointless; the only way out is to let him say his piece for the sake of peace.
Now that you’ve read up on narcissistic husband traits, let’s troubleshoot. A few basic strategies will go a long way in helping you deal with a narcissistic husband. Here’s presenting the 5 ways you can cope.
How Do I Deal With A Narcissistic Husband?
If your husband shows more than 10 of the traits mentioned above, then he has NPS (narcissistic personality disorder). It can get exasperating as the cracks show up in your marriage… You keep asking yourself – how do I deal with a narcissistic husband? Take a look at these tips given below.
Each marriage has its share of obstacles and yours is a narcissistic husband. A little work from both of you can certainly save the marriage. As John Gottman said, “We repeat what we don’t repair.”
1. Deal with a narcissistic husband by thinking objectively
Step outside your boundaries and observe objectively. Study your husband, pick up the points where he shows the aforementioned qualities and learn to detach. This can help protect your own energies while simultaneously grasping his situation. You’ll need a lot of empathy for this exercise; understanding your spouse’s journey will be a harrowing task.
Everyone is shaped by their experiences. Scrutinize what has affected your husband so intensely. Is there any unresolved trauma? Did he have toxic parents and an abusive childhood? Or is his psyche a result of a bad relationship?
2. Stay away from arguments with a narcissist
It is difficult, if not impossible, to shut down a narcissistic husband because of his tendency of exaggerating. Silence is better than an argument sometimes. Jaseena says, “Don’t be reactive. Stop matching his blows with equal fervor. One of you has to be mature about the situation so move ten steps away and don’t fall into the rabbit hole of arguing.”
3. How can I deal with a narcissistic husband? Seek professional help
A mental health professional may actually be the need of the hour. Relationship counselling has helped many couples work on the marriage. At Bonobology, we have a panel of licensed counselors and therapists who can guide you toward a healthier relationship. You can emerge stronger from this period in your life by seeking help. We are here for you.
Related Reading: Relationship Counseling – Everything You Need To Know
4. Take out some me-time
Living with a narcissistic husband can deflate your self-esteem because you are constantly making them feel good. Don’t allow him to define your sense of self. Take out some me-time for self-care and indulgence; meet your friends, pursue a hobby, or pamper yourself with something extravagant. Make sure you’re looking after your physical and mental health.
5. Stand up for yourself
If you have spotted the signs of narcissism during the dating phase, but still decide to get married to him, it is essential to draw boundaries right from the beginning. Be specific about what is acceptable and what is not. A narcissistic husband enjoys embarrassing you or doing things that will put him the limelight. But don’t fall for it. Keep calling him out for disrespectful behavior.
In its extreme form, narcissism can lead to depression or even self-harm; narcissists set very high unachievable goals for themselves, cannot handle failure and are way too self-centered to consider others’ feelings. It is surely challenge to live with a narcissistic husband, but it’s best if you take charge of the situation. Strive toward improvement!
FAQs
More often than not, a narcissist marries someone who is his opposite – it is quite possible that a narcissistic husband’s wife is full of empathy and ready to take the blame on herself for things that go wrong.
Do not feed their ego. Do not take responsibility for their inadequacies. Don’t blame them — for that can increase their rage — but just refuse to blame yourself. Resist the temptation to stoop to their level during an argument. It’s difficult, but know that they are provoking you for a reaction
If you initiated the divorce, expect a tough one. Narcissistic husbands do not like failure and they are likely to see a divorce as a failure on their part. They won’t give in easily. Try and stay calm during the proceedings because there might be a lot of nasty exchanges. Don’t defend yourself too much. It will only lead to greater conflicts as narcissists love a good argument.
Everyone is capable of change, but for a narcissist to change, he has to first accept he has issues. Nine times out of ten, the ego and the sense of self-importance comes in the way. They may realize their issues, but ultimately it is they who have to take the step toward change, not you.
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