Nthawi zina, timakhala panjira yodzipangira tokha mosangalala mpaka kalekale. Chizoloŵezi ichi ndi chimene akatswiri a zamaganizo amachitanthauzira ngati kudziwononga pa maubwenzi. Izi zitha kufotokozedwa ngati luso lopangitsa kuti ubale wanu ugwe, kaya mosadziwa kapena mozindikira. Kwa anthu ambiri, khalidwe lodziwononga ndilochibadwa kotero kuti amalephera kuzindikira zovuta zake.
Palibe mwayi wokonza njira ndipo amawononga ubale mosazindikira. Kuti musiye maubwenzi odziwononga, muyenera kuphunzira kuzindikira zizindikiro ndi zifukwa za khalidweli. Pokhapokha mungathe kuthetsa vutoli, ndikudziwonetsera nokha pakupanga zibwenzi zachikondi.
Tikulankhula ndi katswiri wa zamaganizo Jayant Sundaresan (Masters in Applied Psychology), yemwe ndi katswiri wopereka uphungu pa nkhani zosiyanasiyana za ubale monga kusokonekera kwa kulankhulana, kusamalira ziyembekezo, kusakhulupirika, kupatukana ndi kusudzulana, kuti timvetse bwino chifukwa chake anthu amawononga ubale wawo. Iye akupereka chidziwitso pazifukwa zomwe zimachititsa khalidweli, zomwe munthu ayenera kuchita akazindikira machitidwe awo, komanso momwe chidziwitsochi chimakuthandizireni kukula.
Chifukwa Chiyani Timawononga Ubale Wachikondi?
M'ndandanda wazopezekamo
Kudziwononga nthawi zambiri kumawoneka ngati chizolowezi chowononga maubale mosazindikira ndipo zifukwa zake zimatha kusiyana pakati pa munthu. Jayant akuti, "Kuwononga sikuyenera kukhala konyanyira monga kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo, kungakhale kosavuta monga kuzizira. Kupewa chinachake ndi kuzengereza kungakhalenso njira zodziwonongera nokha. Mukayandikira kwambiri cholingacho, m'pamene mumafuna kuchithawa. Izi zili choncho chifukwa gawo lotsatira la moyo liri pa inu ndipo simungathe kupirira zimenezo. maubale.”
Phungu Meghna Prabhu, wa psychotherapist komanso membala wa APA, akufotokozanso chifukwa chake timawononga maubwenzi achikondi, "Ngakhale zomwe zimayambitsa kudziwononga zingasiyane, zonse zimatsikira ku chinthu chimodzi - osatsegula m'malingaliro ndikumanga ubale wapamtima."
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Malinga ndi Meghna, izi zimachitika makamaka chifukwa timaopa kuti ubalewo suyenda bwino. Titha kuchita zinthu monga kupeza zifukwa zothetsa banja, kukangana pa zinthu zomwe sitingasamale, ndikuyang'ana kwambiri miyoyo yathu kuposa ubale wathu.
Chifukwa chachikulu cha zonsezi ndi kuopa kuti ubwenziwo sukhalitsa. Chifukwa chake sitikufuna kuyika ndalama kapena kumasuka ndipo mwina titha kutha munthu winayo asanatisiye. Ndi njira yodzilamulira kapena kukhulupirira kuti ndife olamulira. Jayant anawonjezera kuti: “Anthu ambiri oterowo amaganiza kuti ine ndiyenera kukhala wotayirira, osati wotayirira. Anthu ena amayesa kunyengerera mabwenzi kuti apeze zotsatira kapena zochita zinazake.
Kupatula apo, mnzanu amene sadzidalira nthawi zonse amakhala ndi mwayi wowononga ubale. Kumva kuti wina sali bwino kapena sakuyenera kukondedwa kumakhala chifukwa cha nkhani zotere. Jayant akuti, “Anthu amene sadzidalira amalimbana ndi kumva kuti sali woyenera kukondedwa ndi wina. Amaganiza kuti, “Mnzawo adzazindikira kuti ndine wachinyengo. Adzaganiza kuti sindili woyenera, kuti sindili wamkulu kwambiri”.
Mantha omwe amatsogolera ku zibwenzi zodziwonongera zokha zitha kubwera chifukwa cha zibwenzi zomwe zidalepheranso. Anthu ena amachitanso zinthu izi chifukwa kukhala pachiwopsezo ndikowopsa, motero amawononga ubale. Koma kukhala pachiwopsezo komanso kukhala okondana kwambiri ndi okondedwa athu ndikofunikira kuti maubale agwire ntchito. Monga mukuonera, zonse zimagwera pansi pa mantha oti mtima wathu usweka. Ndi chizoloŵezi chaumunthu chopeŵa ululu.
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Zizindikiro Za Makhalidwe Odziwononga
Jayant amalankhula za momwe anthu amawonongera ubale wawo. "Mumasankha munthu amene sakuyenererani kapena sakugwirizana ndi inu chifukwa simukufuna kuchita ndikukhazikika. Komanso, njira ina yodziwonongera nokha ndi kubwereranso ku zonyansa muubwenzi mobwerezabwereza. Mumakhala ndi mndandanda wa zinthu zomwe zinalakwika kapena zomwe zikulakwika. Mumatchulanso zinthu zomwe simungathe kuzikonza, monga momwe munadziwira kuyambira pachiyambi kapena banja lake.
"Kuopa kusintha kuchoka pa gawo lina la moyo kupita ku lina kumapangitsanso anthu kuwononga maubwenzi. Palinso mantha a ukalamba, mantha a udindo - makamaka udindo wamaganizo kapena wachuma - komanso mantha a ngati munthu adzakhala kholo labwino kapena ayi. Pakhozanso kukhala mavuto okhulupirirana ndi mnzanu."
"Ngati munanyengedwapo kale, mudzaganiza kuti mnzanuyo adzakunyengererani. Choncho, mupitirizebe kukhala ndi chikhulupiriro chimenecho muubwenzi. Umakhala ulosi wodzikwaniritsa. Ndiyeno pali anthu ena omwe amaopa kutaya umunthu wawo. Ena safuna kuyankha kwa wina aliyense, amafuna kukhala ndi moyo wawo komanso osasamalira zosowa za wina aliyense."
Khalidweli ndilofala kwambiri, ndipo anthu ambiri amapitiriza kudziwononga okha popanda kuzindikira kuti vuto lili mkati. Ngati mudakhalapo ndi zibwenzi zambiri zomwe zidalephera m'mbuyomu, zimakuthandizani kuti muwone ngati ndi chifukwa cha chizolowezi chobisika ichi. Nazi zizindikiro za khalidwe lodziwononga kuti muzindikire:
- Kupewa kutengeka maganizo: Kusathana ndi mkwiyo, mkwiyo, kukayikira, kapena kukhumudwa kwa mnzanu kapena ubale wanu ndi mbendera yofiira.
- Paranoia: Kukhala wokayikira kuti mnzanu akuchita chinachake cholakwika popanda maziko kapena umboni. Mwachitsanzo, munthu yemwe ali ndi zizolowezi zodziwonongera yekha akhoza kukhulupirira kuti wokondedwa wake akubera ngakhale palibe umboni kapena zizindikiro zofiira zosonyeza zimenezo.
- Zovuta za mnzanu: Ngati mukuyang'ana zolakwa za mnzanu nthawi zonse, ndikulola malingaliro awa kuti asokoneze makhalidwe awo onse abwino ndi suti zamphamvu, ndiye kuti mukuwononga ubale mosadziwa.
- Kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo: Kudalira zizolowezi zoipa monga kuledzera, kusuta, kapena kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo monga njira yothanirana ndi kusadzidalira kwanu ndi chizindikiro chodziŵika bwino cha khalidwe lodziwononga.
- Chithandizo chachete: Kugwiritsa ntchito chiwawa chakukhala chete pomenyana makamaka chifukwa kulankhulana moona mtima sikumabwera mwachibadwa kwa inu
- Kusunga chakukhosi: Ngati simungathe kusiya mikangano yakale ndikupitiriza kusunga chakukhosi kwa mnzanuyo patapita nthawi mkangano kapena kukambirana, ndi njira yotsimikizirika yowonongera ubale wanu.
- Kupewa kudzipereka: Chizindikiro china chosonyeza kuti mwina mukuwononga ubale chifukwa cha mantha ndikuti mumangoyang'ana paubwenzi wanu ndikuyamba kuika patsogolo ntchito, maubwenzi, kapena zosangalatsa zomwe zikuyamba kukhala zovuta.
- Kuphwanya malonjezo: Kubweza dala malonjezo oyika ndalama muubwenzi kapena kukonzekera kukhala ndi nthawi yochulukirapo. Simukungowononga ubale komanso kupangitsa mnzanuyo kukukwiyitsani. Potero, mukuyala maziko odziwononga okha
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Kodi Mungapewe Bwanji Kuwononga Maubwenzi Anu?
Tinafunsa Jayant ngati munthu akudziwa khalidwe lake lodziwononga mwanjira iliyonse. Iye anati, “Ayi, sakudziwa. Aliyense amatha kuona khalidwe lake bwino, koma munthuyo sadziwa. Kuona makhalidwe ake oipa kuli ngati kunyamula galasi. Ndani adzasiyidwa wolakwa ndiye? Okha. Chifukwa chake, kusadziwa. Kulankhula kumathandiza kubweretsa chidwi ku machitidwe anu, kumathandiza kuwonjezera chidziwitso chofunikira ichi.”
Ponena za momwe mungapewere kuwononga maubwenzi anu, Meghna akuti: "Chinthu chachikulu ndikumvetsetsa chomwe chikuyambitsa. Muyenera kupeza chifukwa cha mantha ndikuthana nawo. Izi zitha kuchitika mwa kungoyang'ana kapena kufika pachiwopsezo polankhula ndi dokotala kuti alandire chithandizo chamunthu payekha kapena awiri." Kufika pa gwero la nkhaniyo ndi njira yokhayo imene mungaletsere mayanjano odziwononga. Choncho, tiyeni tiyese kumvetsa zimene mungachite kuti mupewe kuwononga ubale wanu.
1. Mvetserani kalembedwe kuti musiye kuwononga ubale
Ngati mwakhala mukuvutika kuti mukhalebe ndi ubale wautali, zimakuthandizani kuti muyang'ane kalembedwe kanu. Kaŵirikaŵiri, mmene timakhalira ndi ena pamene tikukula ndi chisonyezero cha zochitika zathu zaubwana kapena zaunyamata. Munthu yemwe wakhala akusiyidwa, kukhumudwa, kutayika, kapena kuopsa m'zaka zawo zaunyamata akhoza kukula ndikukhala ndi chikhalidwe chopanda chitetezo.
Izi zingayambitse malingaliro monga nsanje ndi mkwiyo, ndipo ngati simukudziwa momwe mungathanirane ndi nsanje kapena mkwiyo wanu, zingayambitse kudziwononga nokha ndi ubale wachikondi. Mofananamo, kukulira m'malo ozizira komanso odzipatula kungapangitse munthu kufunikira chilimbikitso ndi chisamaliro. Iyi ndi njira yakale ya mnzanu wosadzidalira, munthu amene cholinga chake ndi kuwononga ubale wawo wachikondi mwa kutopetsa munthu wina ndi zosowa zake zonse.
Pamene akukamba za nkhawa ndi maubwenzi odziwononga okha, Jayant amatsindika za mbiri ya ubwana ndi momwe zomwe timakumana nazo tili ana zimakhudza kumvetsetsa kwathu maubwenzi. "Mbiri yaumwini ya zoopsa zaubwana imalepheretsa malingaliro athu a dziko lapansi. Sitimvetsetsa dziko lapansi kupitirira zomwe timawona ngati ana. Mumakulitsa maubwenzi oipa omwe munali nawo paubwana wanu ndipo mumawatengera pambuyo pake mukamakula.
Ngati banja lanu likukuchitirani nkhanza, kapena linakunyalanyazani pamene muli mwana, mumangozindikira kuti zimenezo n’zabwino mukangocheza ndi mabanja a ana ena.” Ndiyeno mumamvetsa kuti pali njira inanso yokhalira ndi moyo ndi chikondi.” Choncho, mfundo zazikulu za maunansi athu zimachokera ku ubwana wathu, nthaŵi imene timakhala ndi maganizo ogometsa.
Zonsezi zingapangitse munthu kuyamba kuwononga ubale wake chifukwa cha mantha ndi kuvutika maganizo. Komabe, njira zolumikizirana sizimakhala zokhazikika. Ndi thandizo loyenera, mutha kudzisamalira nokha ndikuchotsa machitidwe oipa kuti muthe kumanga ubale wachikondi wabwino.
2. Dziperekeni kulankhulana moona mtima
Chimodzi mwa zopinga zazikulu kwa munthu amene amakonda kuwononga ubale wake mosadziwa ndi kuopa kulankhulana. Makamaka, pankhani yolankhula za zinthu zosasangalatsa mu ubale wake. Chifukwa chake, kuti muthetse khalidwe lodziwononga, muyenera kuthana ndi vutoli.
Njira yabwino yochitira zimenezo ndiyo kuyambitsa makambitsirano ponena za mantha anu, nkhaŵa zanu, zokaikira, ndi nkhaŵa zanu. Potero, dziwitsani mnzanuyo zonse zomwe zakhala zikukudetsani nkhawa za tsogolo laubwenzi ndikupanga malo omwe angachite chimodzimodzi. Kambiranani mavuto anu ndikupeza njira yabwino kwa inu nonse. Musalole kuti nkhanizo ziunjikane kwa nthawi yaitali moti kusiyana pakati pa inu nonse kumakhala kosatheka.
Jayant akuwonjezera kuti, "Kuti musiye kuwononga ubale chifukwa cha mantha, njira ina yolankhulirana moona mtima yomwe muyenera kukhala nayo ndi inu nokha. Muyenera a) kuvomereza kuti muli ndi chizolowezi chodziwononga nokha, ndipo b) kumvetsetsa chizolowezi chanu. Khalani pansi ndikuganizira zomwe mumaopa kwambiri. Dzifunseni ngati mwadala mumalowa muubwenzi womwe uli ndi zizindikiro zofiira zomwe ziyenera kukupangitsani kuthamanga.
"Yambitsani ubale wanu ndi inu kaye. Bweretsaninso zolinga zanu ndi zomwe mumayendera, ndipo dzifunseni mafunso ofunika kwambiri okhudza zomwe mukudziwa: Ndine ndani? Zolinga zanga ndi zotani? Ndimadziona bwanji ndekha? Ndiyeno ganizirani zomwe mukufunikira ndi zomwe mukufuna. Izi ndi zinthu ziwiri zosiyana. Yezerani ngati zikugwirizana."
3. Dziwani zomwe zikukuyambitsani kuti musiye kuwononga maubwenzi
Kuti muthe kusiya maubwenzi odziwononga, muyenera kumvetsetsa chomwe chikuyambitsa. Choncho, yambani ndi kumvetsera zoyambitsa zanu. Mukangomva kuti mukufunika kudumpha chingwecho chifukwa mukuwopa kuti zinthu sizingayende bwino monga momwe mukuyembekezera, ganizirani pang'ono za zomwe zidayambitsa manthawo.
Kodi munali mumkhalidwe wotani? Kodi zinakupangitsani kumva bwanji? N'chifukwa chiyani zimakuchititsani mantha? Kodi mantha anu akachitika, angakukhudzeni bwanji? Ndibwino kuti muyambe kusunga mbiri ya mphindi izi ndikuziwunika kwanu. Pakapita nthawi, mudzayamba kuwona mawonekedwe ndipo izi zidzakuthandizani kulumikizana ndi zofooka zanu bwino.
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4. Phunzirani kuleza mtima ngati mukuwononga ubale mosazindikira
Nthawi zonse munthu akasokoneza ubale, pamakhala njira yowonekera bwino - ubale umadutsa movutikira ndipo amasankha kusiya mwamalingaliro kuti adzipulumutse kuti asavulale. Chinsinsi apa ndikukumbukira kuti palibe ubale wabwino, palibe ubale womwe ndi wosavuta. Payenera kukhala zokwera ndi zotsika.
Ndi kutsimikiza mtima kukhalabe ndikumenyera mgwirizano wanu komwe kumapangitsa kuti ubale wanu ukhale wolimba. Chifukwa chake, muyenera kuphunzira njira zoleza mtima ndikukhalabe ndi mnzanu pamene zinthu zikuvuta. Zimathandiza kumanga njira yothandizira kuti mudutse nthawi zovuta izi popanda kuda nkhawa kuti dziko lanu lonse lidzagwa.
5. Fufuzani uphungu kuti mupewe kudziwononga nokha
Kuzindikira ndi kuvomereza makhalidwe anu oipa sikophweka. Ngakhale mutayang'ana kwambiri vutoli, simungadziwe momwe mungathanirane nalo. Ichi ndichifukwa chake Bonobology imapereka upangiri kwa munthu payekha komanso kwa maanja chifukwa ndi njira zodalirika zopewera kudziwononga nokha maubwenzi anu. Zimakupatsirani inu ndi mnzanu malo otetezeka komanso othandizira kuti mukambirane nkhawa zanu. Kupatula apo, katswiri wodziwa bwino ntchito angakuwonetseni njira yothanirana ndi ubale wodziwononga mwanjira yachifundo komanso yopanda kuweruza.
Jayant akuti, “Mungalowe m’malo ochitira chithandizo ponena zinthu monga, “Ubale wanga atatu omalizira sunayende bwino” kapena “Dziko limandisokoneza.” Kenako munthu angafunse dokotalayo kuti: “Kodi ndingasiye bwanji kuwononga ubale wanga watsopano?
"Poyamba, mukayamba kuzindikira machitidwe anu, mudzakhala ndi chitetezo. Zimafunika kulimba mtima kuti musiye chigoba ndikukhala oona mtima kwa inu nokha . Timadzinyenga tokha bwino kwambiri, pambuyo pake. Pamene zikuyamba, pamakhala kutayika ndi chisoni chifukwa cha nthawi yomwe yawonongeka, ndi zinthu zomwe zakudutsani."
“Mumakwiya.” Mwina mungaganize kuti, “Ndinaphonya ubwenzi umene unalipo kamodzi kokha” kapena “Ndinasokoneza mabwenzi anga” kapena “Sindidzam’pezanso munthu wotero.” Popeza kuti anthuwo anasamuka, zimenezi zingayambitse mkwiyo ndi chisoni. Wothandizira angakuthandizeni kuthana ndi malingaliro awa. Malingana ngati mwadzipereka kugwira ntchito nokha, mutha kubwereranso ku khalidwe loipali ndikusunga maubwenzi anu atsopano.
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6. Osathamangira maubwenzi
Kuchulukana kwa maubwenzi osapambana kungapangitse aliyense kudzimva kuti wataya mtima, wonyozeka, komanso wotopa. Koma musathamangire pachibwenzi mukusimidwa kuti muchite bwino. Mwachitsanzo, musayambe chibwenzi ndi munthu wina wotentha yemwe mumakumana naye ku bar tsiku lotsatira mutachoka pachibwenzi, kuti mumve bwino.
Koma ubale wina sunayende bwino udzangowonjezera mantha anu obadwa nawo oti mudzavulazidwa kapena kusiyidwa. Zimenezi zidzangokulitsa chizoloŵezi chanu chofuna kudziwonongera mabwenzi achikondi. Mukazindikira kuti khalidwe lanu ndilo gawo la vuto, khalani ndi nthawi yofufuza kuti mukufuna bwenzi lotani. Kenako, dikirani moleza mtima kuti munthu woyenerera abwere.
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7. Siyani kusewera wozunzidwa
Popeza kuti anthu omwe amasonyeza khalidwe lodziwononga amagwira ntchito kuchokera kumalo a mantha ndipo nthawi zambiri amakhala ogwirizana ndi odzikayikira, zimakhala zosavuta kuti azidzimvera chisoni. Muyenera kusiya kusewera khadi lovutitsidwa kuti mudzipulumutse ku machitidwe odziwononga okha.
Kuganiza kuti 'ine wosauka' kumangowonjezera kusadzidalira kwanu. Izi zidzakupangitsani kukhala ndi mavuto ambiri monga kukhala chete, kusewera masewera achiwawa ndi chibwenzi, ndikupangitsa kuti chikondi chiziyenda bwino kuti mutsimikizire kuti ndinu wolamulira. Mwaona kale komwe zimenezo zikutsogolera.
Choncho, ganizirani za mphamvu zanu m'malo mwake. Yesetsani kukhala wodzidalira komanso wodzidalira nokha. Munthu amene safunikira kudzimva kuti ali ndi ulamuliro pa ubale nthawi zonse. Mukasintha izi, mudzawona kuti mutha kukhala okondana kwambiri muubwenzi mosavuta.
8. Chofunika koposa, phunzirani kudzipatula ku zakale
Chizolowezi chowononga ubale mosadziwa chimagwirizana kwambiri ndi zomwe zinachitika kale zosasangalatsa kapena zoopsa. Mantha ndi nkhawa zomwe mumamva zitha kukhala zikuchokera ku chochitika kapena zochitika zingapo zomwe zinakukhudzani kwambiri. Zochitikazi, kapena momwe munthu adamvera panthawiyo, zimakhala zoyambitsa khalidwe lodziwononga. Muyenera kuphunzira kuswa chingwe ndikupanga mtendere ndi zakale zanu.
Nthawi ina mukadzakhumudwa ndi vuto linalake, imani kaye ndi kulingalira ngati zinakuchitikirani zakale zomwe zikukupangitsani kuchita zinthu mopanda malire. Sizingagwire ntchito nthawi zonse, koma kukumbukira izi kukuthandizani kuti mupite kumayendedwe athanzi. Chizoloŵezi chodziwonongera nokha chikhoza kukhala chopunthwitsa koma osati chomwe muyenera kukhala nacho. Mukaphunzira kuzindikira ndi kuvomereza vutolo, pali njira zambiri zothetsera vutoli. Ngati mukuvutika kuti mupite nokha, dziwani kuti kufunafuna thandizo la akatswiri ndi ntchito yodzisamalira.
Kwa anthu omwe amadzifunsa kuti, "Kodi izi zidzandithandiza kusiya kudziwononga ndekha?" Jayant akufuna kuti mudziwe izi: "Mukazindikira machitidwe anu, zosankha zanu zidzasintha, ndipo zomwe mumayembekezera kuchokera kwa inu ndi kwa anthu ozungulira zidzasintha. Mudzagwirizanitsa madontho a m'mbuyo ndikusintha mutu watsopano. Pali chiyembekezo."
Ibibazo
Chinthu choyamba chimene muyenera kuchita ndikuyang'ana zomwe munakumana nazo m'mbuyomu. Ukhoza kukhala ubwana wapoizoni kapena zibwenzi zosweka zomwe zimabweretsa nkhani zodziwononga. Kuti musiye kudziwonongera maubwenzi anu, zindikirani chomwe chikuyambitsa, khalani oona mtima ndi kulankhulana, funani uphungu, ndipo khalani oleza mtima.
Yesetsani kuchotsa nkhawa, mantha odzipereka, komanso kusadzidalira komwe kumakupangitsani kuti muyambe kukondana . Siyani kusewera khadi loti muvutike ndipo mudzichotsere ku zakale. Musamafulumire kulowa muubwenzi, m'malo mwake tengani nthawi yanu ndikudziwa zomwe mukufuna kuchokera kwa mnzanu.
Mumadziwa kuti mukuwononga ubale mukangodzipangira nokha, mumadzudzula wokondedwa wanu, ndipo mumakhala ndi nkhawa komanso osatetezeka pamene zinthu pakati panu zimakhala zazikulu. Muli ndi nkhani zodalirika, mumaganiza mopambanitsa, ndipo simungathe kusiya zakale.
Njira 5 Zokhala Woonamtima Kwa Inu Nokha Zidzakuthandizani Kumvetsetsa Ubale Wanu Bwino
Chopereka chanu sichikutanthauza chopereka chachifundo . Chidzalola Bonobology kupitiliza kukubweretserani chidziwitso chatsopano komanso chaposachedwa poyesetsa kuthandiza aliyense padziko lonse lapansi kuphunzira momwe angachitire chilichonse.
