Affair and Cheating

My wife is a sex addict and it has ruined our relationship

He thought she was having one affair, but then discovered she was addicted to sex. He's supposed to help her with it, but he cannot
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(As told to Joie Bose)

Did she really have to spend so much time with her friends?

The first time that I got a sneaking feeling that my wife was cheating on me, was when she began looking forward to me going to office after we got our new flat in Gurgaon. After our wedding, we had lived with my extended family in the house that I grew up in Nizamuddin, for about a year. I had assumed our arranged marriage and living in the joint family to be the reason why we were not really close, emotionally.

We had a robust physical relationship and trust me, I had never expected such a tigress to be living in the body of the docile girl, who helped my mother and aunts in the kitchen. But the emotional connect was not there. In her free time, she used to go out to her friends’ houses or to meet her cousins. When I went along with her, I felt alienated. She never really included me. So I thought that perhaps if we got more time alone, I could expect romance, and had booked a home in Gurgaon, near my office. But what I found out was something that broke me down totally.
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Related reading: 18 signs your wife is cheating on you

Why was she never at home?

She began looking forward to me going to work. She had many friends in Gurgaon and from morning till night, she used to be out. I too have friends, and trust me, it is impossible that they will give me so much time. Life is busy. But my wife’s friends were always free. I understand that adultery is the call of the hour and so I began thinking that perhaps she was having a relationship with her exes. It was possible. I had never spoken about her past with her or about mine, but the way she behaved in bed, it was impossible that she was a virgin.

One day, I saw her walking into a mall near our home holding hands with a man. I was in the car. I called her, to ask her where she was. She didn’t pick up the phone. I asked her where she was when I had called, later on after reaching home. She coolly said she was sleeping. I didn’t press her. I was angry. But I kept quiet, for I’m a patient man.

affair and cheating

What the detective found out

I went to a detective agency the next day to dig into the matter. The report shocked me. Over the next week, they followed my wife to find out the following:

1. Every day after I left, she went to the house of a young boy who was in college. His parents were schoolteachers and his house was empty. Everyday at 11, when the boy left for college, my wife left with him.

2. She then went to have lunch with a man who had a restaurant nearby. Every day.

3. Then she went to the gym and it was a known fact that she was having an affair with the hunky instructor.

4. She went swimming next and there another swimmer took her out often.

I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do. So I called my cousin, who also happens to be my best friend – Mukesh. It was Mukesh who took me to a counsellor first, then both my wife and me, and then she got diagnosed as a sex addict.

Related reading: My husband was a sex addict and kept me locked up in the bedroom

How can I bring myself to help her?

You know, they tell me that I have to be supportive. I was told that I had to help her. That I have to understand. I could not. My relationship is gone. I don’t feel like even touching her. I don’t feel like looking at her. All the time the pictures of those four men she was sleeping with come to haunt me.

sad man thinking
Representative Image source

All the time the pictures of those four men she was sleeping with come to haunt me.

It feels as if they are all laughing at me. Stupid me. How could I let this happen?

I can’t really help her come out of this. How can I? I’m human. I will go mad if I have to help her. But I am told that I have to for she is not well. I don’t get this kind of unwell. It’s been like this for the last two months. When I go out, I lock the door. Now that my wife is locked in, she has got depressed. I have to take her shopping, or else she might try to kill herself. I suggested she go to her parents, but she doesn’t want to. She is a ghost of what she used to be. My relationship is a ghost of what it could be. I am thinking of going back to Nizamuddin.
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7 Comments

  1. But do you think its worth it to try and change her. Do you believe she can change and why? It’s better to put yourself first and get out of this marriage if its not good for you. Because changing someone else is a task thata always unpredictable and may never give you the results you want. on the contrary it may hurt you even more

  2. Hi, after reading your story, anyone in your shoes would feel the same-betrayed, helpless, disgusted and all those negative feelings which push you into darkness. Sex addiction in women does not wake up in few days, it is an emotional, psychological and perhaps physical repression that is being at work. You are the one who can at least try to help her out. The mention of “illness” is significant from the counsellor as your wife might be suffering from nymphomania which is deemed a serious sexual disorder related to the psychological and emotional repressions.
    1. Rather than ignoring her, make an effort to have a mature conversation with her so that she has the space to share what is happening to her.
    2. Locking her will not help. In fact, it will only lead to depression, anger and frustration
    3. Consult a good psychiatrist who can see the problem clinically
    4. Consult a good sexologist/psychologist to help your wife in any possible ways to deal with her sexual impulses
    5. Try to spend more time emotionally bonding with her
    6. Help her
    7. Do not force her to do and go what and where she is not ready to.
    8. There is no harm in trying to help your wife in this situation
    9. Be her friend so that she opens up to you
    10. Give her room to speak about her past which maybe is highly repressed
    11. Contemplate of being with her n bind with her rather than shifting as an escape not to help her.
    Nymphomania is serious and it really needs help. The lack of sex or gratifications in these cases may at times become violent and ruthless.
    Blessings and courage to you both.

  3. There is more to her than being just a sex addict. It’s not so simple. And the story has too many holes with too many unanswered questions.
    Foremost, does she feel she needs help? If there is no emotional attachment at all, a psychiatrist diagnosis is important.

  4. Just get out of the relationship. If your wife is a sex addict, let her have the addiction or deal with it, She is at her worst. Try to get her and she will move. Think and think and think and take a mature decision. GOD BLESS.

  5. After you learn about your spouse’s addiction, it’s natural to feel betrayed and deceived, and that your spouse caused you emotional harm on purpose. You need to understand about their addiction deeply and then you will begin to free yourself from the shackles of betrayal trauma, and reclaim your hope for the future.

    Find a good support group and counselor as counselling is must!

  6. Why you have to lock her up. She is not a dog or a domesticated animal to keep in a cage. If you are not happy separate. If you are not happy in this relationship then there is no point in investing further.

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