I Had An Abusive Marriage But Still I Grappled With My Husband’s Death

Archita Dave

Letting go was the hardest but still the best thing. Being in an abusive marriage for 8 years and then facing the death of my husband in a car accident during his trip with his girlfriend, was the hardest thing in my life. Coming to the terms with reality and moving on was arduous. When I wrote on my second marriage for Bonobology, many questions were asked like was it plain sailing to erase those memories and overcome the traumatic episode of my life?

True emotional abuse story of a single mother 

“NO”, it wasn’t. I would get catastrophic anxiety before I could start my day. Every day was a challenge for me with haunting memories of the past, especially those days when he used to be violent with me, and cheat on me right in front of my eyes. I used to sit in my office bus and try to figure it out why it happened to me?

How will I be as a single mother? Will I be able to give my son a good life and the strength to face the society when he would be bombarded with questions?

I feared my single mother status

I almost spent every day trying to get my anxiety under control and do my best. I felt mentally and emotionally defeated at the end of the day and again used to wake up with regret for my past. It had become so traumatic for me that I feared to face my fears. There are fears a mother has always but it’s different when a woman is a single mother. 

Woman and her child Image Source

I always feared of raising a child alone, facing society and breaking stereotypes. I always thought if I had male friends or on the professional front if I got a good hike and promotion, how will society see me as a woman and will they be judgmental about my professional growth?

The biggest fear was if I was giving enough to my son as mother and father? It was no less than a fight between what I wanted and what I had been going through.

I accepted my reality

Finally, I was able to learn to accept what had happened in my life was a painful experience for me and gave myself time to heal. I realised that all I had to do was accept and let it go. Every day I gave a chance to myself by changing my perception, by crying it out, by focusing all my energy on controlling what I was able to do instead of dwelling on things I could not do.

I started focusing on the positive

I tried calming my mind and started prioritising important things.

The very first thing I did was focus on myself and my son. As it was much needed that we both should be in the best state of mind.

I kept questioning the thought like am I getting too focused on my problems or the bad days? Instead of focusing on the other 95% of my life that was positive I was focusing on the negative. I kept reminding us that we can overcome this situation by staying strong and positive. I started visiting the temple often, prayed, tried spending as much time with my family and listened to music.

No point keeping the past baggage

The best I could do was given a rant window and remind myself that the anger, pain and keeping the baggage from the past will only hurt me more than the situation that was not in my control.

And finally, when you let it go, you’re not losing hope, you’re only hoping for more, hoping for better, hoping for something worth to hold on to. You’re happier than before. Always forget what happened to you and grow. Some situations just make you a better and stronger and kinder person.

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