What women want from men

What is it that women want from men in the bedroom? Dr Paras Shah, sexologist, tries to shed some light on this.

Whether IAS or IPS officers or businessmen or even doctors – once a couple gets married, the husband and wife both expect that they have to perform the best. If you do not have basic knowledge, how will you be able to do so? Most men think that once they get erections, they have to start having sex – they hardly know what foreplay is. In India people think that sex happens only at night, in the dark: around 40% of couples only have sex in the dark at night, they hardly see their faces or each other’s naked bodies in light – even after having 2 or 4 kids or even after having sex for many years. And because of this, there is no foreplay. Men are like a matchstick – they ignite quickly and they douse quickly too. And women are like iron – they take longer to warm up and take time to cool off as well.

But people don’t know this and so they don’t do foreplay. Foreplay is important for both – if the female has had no foreplay, she will not get lubricated, which leads to pain on penetration. She may not reach climax and because of this day by day her interest in sex decreases.

For example, if I offer coffee, you will say yes. The second time you will agree as well, but only if you liked the taste the first time. If you did not like the taste of coffee the first two times, then when I ask you the third time, you will make some excuse and say that you just have had coffee elsewhere and hence would not like to have it now. That is what happens is marriage – the women start giving excuses – saying today I am not in the mood, or that kids are sleeping with us in the same bed, or any other excuse. And the husband feels that his wife is frigid. Who is the culprit? The man – he cannot satisfy his woman, he cannot have foreplay.

Why don’t women speak up? Because our society is a male-dominated society and if a woman speaks up the males say that she is a nympho and her character is loose. It is a big problem even in educated circles. If the wife talks about her desires to her husband, he would not like it, but if a girlfriend tells him, he will love it.

– Dr. Paras Shah, Chief Sexologist, Gujarat Research & Medical Institute and Director, Sannidhya Institute ; Research Center for Sex, Sexuality and Health

Related reading: My fantasy sexual life

A patient with really bad breath sits in front of me and says, “My wife is not interested in me, whenever I try to have foreplay, she says no and tells me to finish up everything as early as possible.” I find his breath unbearable at a distance; how will she tolerate it when he kisses her? Many people also chew tobacco, smoke or drink and feel that this smell shouldn’t affect anyone, but it does. Many men have bad body odour; they work all day and sweat a lot, but do not want to take a shower in the evening; they directly have dinner and then want to have sex. Some don’t wash their private parts, feeling they are too delicate, and then complain that their wives don’t like oral sex. Some men are in their 70s and have been married for 40-45 years, and they still want to have sex with their wives at least twice a week. They don’t even spend much time in foreplay and hence the wife, whose natural lubrication is diminished by then as she is already into menopause, feels pain.

Often I ask the men when they last told their wives I love you. They do not remember. Indian men do not know that they need to show love, or they feel that showing affection and love is a female’s domain; a man must not show such emotions. And this particularly happens only with the spouse – they show extra love and affection to their girlfriends and other females. Because of all this, the sex gets affected. Even if you don’t give your wife much money or don’t satisfy her properly in bed, it is fine. But the most important things are affection and love.

(As told to Raksha Bharadia)

Conditions apply: On what women want in bed and why

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