The no contact rule after break up is a time-tested psychological strategy used to move on from one’s ex, or so we have been told. They say that if you quickly back away from your ex, take some time to process the breakup alone and allow yourself to really grieve, then the heartbreak is much easier to deal with. Besides, talking to your ex-wife or ex-boyfriend is definitely not going to help you get over them. So if one asks, “Does no contact work after a breakup?”, most people will answer that in the affirmative.
Practicing a 30 day no contact rule (or more) gives a person the window to deal with this sudden, major life change, spend time in peace understanding what they want and then be decide how to go about things in the future. As difficult as it may be to hit ‘Block’ on their Instagram profile or delete their number from your phone, you will thank us later when you realize the amazing benefits of practicing the no contact rule after a recent breakup.
That being said, we are not saying that being friends with an ex is impossible and neither do we advise against it. But for the time being, you’ll see that it is much easier to shun them for a while before you allow them to come back into your life again. This isn’t coming from a place of hatred, it is only a way of allowing yourself to heal.
Psychotherapist Gopa Khan (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed.), who specializes in marriage and family counseling is here with us today to help us further understand the same. The benefits and psychology behind understanding does no contact work after a breakup? So without further ado, let’s dive right in.
Should Everyone Practice The No Contact Rule After Breakup?
There are different types of breakups as there are different types of relationships. Let’s start with say a marriage breakup. If there are no kids, obviously the people involved in a matrimonial breakup will decide to have no contact. For the ones with children in the picture, it can be the toughest possible kind of breakup, because most couples are busy fighting over the children, joint custody, visitation rights, etc., and that battle can be long.
At that point, interacting with each other gets very painful but sadly, it is necessary. Since they have to deal with the issues of visitation, custody and a crazy amount of paperwork, they don’t have a choice but to keep in contact with each other. Which, however hard it may be, might be the right thing to do in that situation.
But only if both ex-spouses can commit to being mature enough to handle it well. Only very few people can manage such a situation harmoniously, because these circumstances are extremely distressing for a majority of couples splitting up. Some of them, of course, play a game of lies with each other during these divorce and custody battles which can make the whole issue all the more messier.
Related Reading: 5 Signs The No Contact Rule Is Working
How Long Is The No Contact Rule After Break Up?
When it comes to relationships, there are many types. Usually, post-breakup, both partners take some time – usually ranging from 6 months to a year, depending on how emotionally attached they were – to get over each other and deal with a new life without them.
“For most of these cases, I try to tell my clients to avoid contact with their ex. However, most of them are so invested in what the other person is doing that they stalk them through Instagram, Facebook and other social networking sites. Or they try to find out details about each other’s lives through common friends. Some of them are college students. Even if they’ve broken up, they are still meeting each other in college and talking to common friends. As you know it’s hard to get over someone you see every day. Social media has even made it more difficult not to know information about each other.” says Gopa about her experience with advising those to practice the no contact rule.
Probably if you live in a different city or a different country, it is easier to move on since you cannot see them, and cutting contact is so much easier that way. But if you live in the same neighborhood, go to the same college, or see each other at your workplace – maintaining the sanctity of the no contact rule can be difficult. Which again brings us to the question, does no contact work?
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Does No Contact Work? And How?
There isn’t exactly a number to a no contact rule success rate that we can use to analyze and understand whether this works or not. But this route is undoubtedly logical after a messy breakup and here’s why.
In the case of couples who are divorced, it is usually the woman who wants closure. For closure, they need to seek therapy and not the other person. But often, the ex-spouse feels that they need to ask some final questions to the other person before they can truly move on.
“They feel like they need to get an understanding of why things happened the way that they did. Sometimes, in the case of men, the attitude is, “If I cannot have my girlfriend, no one can.” And they start engaging in various kinds of stalking. The best thing is, of course, to handle a break up maturely and accept what has happened”, says Gopa.
How does the no contact rule work? Well, for it to work, both partners have to accept that they will have to simply practice 30 days of the no contact rule, to begin with, and start respecting each other’s boundaries.
In cases of marriage, divorce puts a seal of finality on the separation. However, in the case of romantic relationships, breakups are tough and there can be plenty of push and pull afterward. Sometimes people break up and get back together again multiple times. And those relationships can be very toxic.
Related Reading: How To Get Through A Breakup Alone?
Does No Contact Work On Men To Get Them Back?
Yes, it happens that even after a breakup, a couple decides to get back together. Almost like a revolving door relationship. Their breakups are temporary and it is only a matter of time until they get back together.
Even after people break up, they can have a mutual understanding to work through their issues and come to a final solution. For all you know, that time apart might have actually helped them realize their mistakes and come back with a fresh insight.
People on the verge of divorce might go for counseling or therapy and even realize that they did not want to get divorced in the first place. And that is not a bad thing. So yes, it is possible to use the no contact rule on your ex only to watch him waltz right back into your life a few months later.
What becomes toxic is the repetition – if it happens too many times, then it is just not right which tells us that there is a deeper problem here.
However, if a person wants to permanently move away, because their partner is negatively affecting their mental health or is abusive, or an alcoholic, then in these cases it is imperative that they put a full stop on the relationship and do not look back.
Otherwise, they will get caught in an abusive relationship.
Related Reading: 7 Things No One Tells You About A Breakup
Does The No Contact Rule Work If You Were Dumped?
Out of the two partners, usually one decides to pull the plug on the relationship while the other is left to deal with that decision which they could not control. The person who is breaking up has already gone through the process of breaking up mentally. So, it’s easier for that person.
On the other hand, to the person who is given the news that their partner is leaving them – be it a breakup or a divorce – it comes as a surprise. Sometimes the impact can be shocking, like a lightning bolt that came out of nowhere. They naturally take a longer time to deal with that information.
They might even start bargaining with their partners in some cases to stay with them and not leave them. So, it depends on the other person – whether they want to work on it, avail the benefits of counseling or not, or just follow the no contact with ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. In most cases, as the dumpee, it is advisable to follow no contact, or else you will always want to go back to your ex and keep asking them to take you back.
Related Reading: Hope You Are Not Doing These 10 Funny Things After a Breakup…
Some No Contact Success Stories…
To understand the no contact rule success rate, here are some stories that can show you how beneficial it can be. Usually, the phase of no contact lasts for 2-3 months to a year. The initial first few months are difficult, more so if they are in the same classroom or workplace and see each other every day.
With time, it becomes increasingly easier to maintain the no contact rule because they have accepted the fact that the relationship has ended and moved on.
1. Does no contact work on men?
“I knew a lady whose partner was abusive. She was a homemaker and couldn’t leave, because of the children. But she finally mustered the courage and moved out of her 15-year-old marriage. She had thought that she would never survive without her husband but when she started living on her own she started enjoying the freedom from the fear of abuse.” says Gopa.
This is a 30 day no contact rule success story because her husband found out her address and started threatening her to get back home. But the no contact phase had given her the courage that she never had before. For the first time in her life, she stood up for herself. After that, he never came back.
2.Long-distance no contact success story
Does no contact work on men to bring them back? Gopa narrates the following incident.
“This couple came to me because they felt their marriage was on the rocks and they were wondering if relationship counseling could help them save it. Then after a few days, the gentleman found a job and left the city. The long-distance relationship and the no contact rule that they maintained helped them realize a lot of things and put things into perspective. They didn’t interact for months and realized all the relationship mistakes they had been making. So after around six months they mutually decided not to file for a divorce. ”
3. Followed the no contact rule after breakup
Will no contact work if he lost feelings? This couple followed the no contact rule after breakup. The no contact rule success rate can be considered pretty high judging by the following aspects. The person who has broken up will inevitably contact you because of two reasons. First, they are maybe missing you and feel guilty, and second, they miss having the power over you and are curious to know how you doing without them.
Another incident witnessed by Gopa, she tells us, “So when the man contacted the lady, the lady wasn’t sure that she wanted her ex back. Even though she had followed this rule to get him back, she had now changed her own mind. So she prolonged the no contact period just to make sure of what she herself felt about the relationship and if the man was genuinely regretful. As far I know, they didn’t get back together then.”
Related Reading: How to Move On When You Are Still In Love With Your Ex?
4. No contact helps you process your feelings
After having broken up with someone, if you continue to see them at college or work, it gets hard to get over them. You need to take some steps to get over someone and in that case, maintaining the no contact rule can be very helpful.
How often does no contact work? Always! It may not give you your desired results vert quickly, but there is no way that it could not work in your favor when you are trying to move on from someone.
Gopa tells us, “I knew a lady who fell in love with her married boss who was married. They had a relationship for two years and then they broke up. To maintain the no contact rule, she changed her job. It helped her to get over the grief of the breakup. Now she is married with kids and I would say this is a great no contact success story, because becoming incommunicado with her boss really helped her to move on. While one can process one’s feelings better when there is no contact, there is also the possibility that the dumper will make contact after some time. Then it’s up to the individual if they want to make it a secret success story of getting the ex back or they make it a way to move on for good. “
If you still haven’t made up your mind about whether you should practice no contact with ex-girlfriend, or are worried, “Does no contact work?”, then take your time to understand what you really want. It may be hard to distance yourself right now from your ex, but it can still be the best thing for you. Keep a fresh mind and think of your own well-being and you’ll know what to do. But until then, we highly recommend steering clear of your ex if you can.
The success rate of this rule is usually almost as high as 90% because the person who has broken up will inevitably contact you for one of two reasons. First, they may be missing you and feel guilty, and second, they miss having the power over you and are curious to know how you are doing without them.
Usually, it’s a minimum of 30 days then it can go up to a couple of months to a year. But since there’s no hard and fast rule to how long you should apply it for, you should probably stick to it for however long it takes to work.
Yes, no contact helps to process the grief and put things in perspective. You will be in a better emotional space to judge if you want to move on or if you want to get back with your ex if they contact you.
A lot of women ask, “Will no contact work if he lost feelings for me and I want to bring him back?” This can go either way depending on the situation. But usually, the dumper ends up contacting the dumpee after the no contact period.