Kuningi okushiwo ngezizathu zokuba nomuntu—imizwa, imizwelo, umbono ohlanganyelwe wekusasa ndawonye. Kodwa kuthiwani ngokwazi isikhathi sokuqeda ubuhlobo futhi uhambe? Ukuhlukana nomuntu omthandayo noma oke wathandana naye akulula neze. Isisindo sawo wonke lawo mathemba namaphupho, zonke lezo zithembiso, yonke leyo mizwa ikwenza ufune ukubambelela.
Ngokuvamile, abantu bahlala ebudlelwaneni obunezinkinga noma obufayo isikhathi eside ngaphezu kwalokho okufanele babe nakho ngoba abaqiniseki ukuthi izizathu zabo zokuqeda ubuhlobo ziningi ngokwanele yini. Noma ngenxa nje yokuthi babambelele ethembeni lokuthi uma bezama kakhudlwana nje, babonisa uthando olwengeziwe, benze umzamo owengeziwe, izinto zizoba ngcono futhi bayoba nokuxhumana abake bakuthola—noma abebelokhu bekulindele.
Nokho, lelo themba alihlali libonakala lingokoqobo. Kodwa wazi kanjani ukuthi kufanele uyeke nini ukuzama futhi wenze kuleso sifiso esiyisisekelo sokukuyeka futhi uqhubeke? Ake sikusize ukuthole lokhu, ngemininingwane evela ku-psychotherapist Gopha Khan (I-Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), ogxile kwezokwelulekwa ngomshado nomndeni.
Buzobuqeda Nini Ubudlelwano—Izimo Ezingu-18 Ezisebenza Ngokuphelele
Okuqukethwe
Ubulokhu uzibuza, “Ingabe kufanele ngihlukane nomlingani wami?”, kodwa awukwazanga ukwenza isinqumo. Mhlawumbe ngenxa yokuthi ingxenye yakho isakholelwa ukuthi uma uqhubeka nokuzama, izinkinga ezikwenza ucabange kabusha ngokuba sebudlelwaneni zizoxazululeka futhi izinto zizolunga. Noma mhlawumbe umqondo wokuwubiza uyeke futhi uqale phansi ubonakala unzima kakhulu, futhi ubulokhu uhudula izithende, ubeka into engenakugwenywa.
Noma ngabe yikuphi, iqiniso lokuthi ubucabanga ukwehlukana nomuntu omthandayo—noma owake wathandana naye—lisikisela ukuthi kukhona amafulegi abomvu ebuhlotsheni. Ukuvala amehlo ngeke kubenze banyamalale. Uma naphezu kwemizamo yakho emihle, awukwazanga ukulungisa izinkinga zakho, kuyinkomba ecacile yokuthi kungase kube yisikhathi sokuqeda ubuhlobo futhi uqhubeke. Nazi izimo ezinjalo ezingama-20 lapho ukuqeda ubudlelwano kuyindlela engcono yokuhlala nokuzama ukwenza izinto zisebenze:
1. Ubudlelwano buyahlukumeza
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba, ngokomzwelo, noma ngamazwi, akuyona into ongayishalazela. Iseluleko sokuqala sokuhlukumeza kufanele sibe isizathu esanele sokuthi udonse ipulaki ebudlelwaneni, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi utshalwe kanjani ngokomzwelo, futhi uqhubeke. Inkinga ngobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo, nokho, iwukuthi abahlukumezi bavame ukuzwakalisa ukuzisola ngezenzo zabo futhi benze izithembiso zokushintsha izindlela zabo. Yilokho okwenza izisulu zibambeke ebudlelwaneni obunjalo.
Ngaphandle uma umlingani wakho elandela lezi zithembiso ngomsebenzi wangempela, obambekayo wokushintsha amaphethini akhe, asikho isizathu sokuthi kungani kufanele umnike elinye ithuba. Kungenzeka futhi ukuthi isimo sabo sokuhlukumeza sivela esikhathini esidlule esibuhlungu, ngenxa yalokho ungase ulingeke ukuba ubathethelele noma uzwele ngisho nozwela ngabo.
Kodwa-ke, ukungahambisani nokuziphatha, ukushaywa ngamazwi, nokwesaba izimpikiswano zobudlelwano ukuthola umzimba kungadala umonakalo engqondweni yakho. Uma ungazisukumeli, kungalimaza kakhulu i-psyche yakho. Gopa uyavuma ukuthi ukuxhashazwa kungenye yezinto eziningi. Uthi, “Iningi labantu ligcina selilinde iminyaka eminingi ukuba abashade nabo bashintshe, bagcine bebona ukuthi ushintsho alusoze lwenzeka.”
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2. Bakukhaphele ukwethenjwa kwakho
Ukwephulwa kokwethembana kungesinye sezizathu ezivame kakhulu zokuthi kungani ubudlelwano buhluleka, futhi uma kungaleso sikhathi lapho nisebenzelana khona, awunaphutha ngokuzibuza, “Ingabe kufanele ngehlukane nomlingani wami?” Ukukopela, amanga, ukufihla, noma ukukhaphela nganoma iyiphi enye indlela kucekela phansi isisekelo sobuhlobo, kwenze kube nzima ngabalingani ukuba babuyisane.
Ungase ungakwazi thethelela umlingani wakho, futhi lapho kungabikho ukuthethelela kwangempela okusuka enhliziyweni, ubuhlobo buyohlala bugcwele intukuthelo nenzondo. Kungcono ukuthi uhambe uyoqala kabusha kunokuhlala ebudlelwaneni obuphenduke ubuthi ngenxa yezinkinga zokwethembana namagqubu.
UGopa uthi, “Uma umlingani ophambukile ezisola ngobuqotho, khona-ke izinto zingaba ngcono ngokuhamba kwesikhathi nangosizo olufanele lokusekelwa nosizo.” Kodwa uma ukukhashelwa kuqhubeka, khona-ke umuntu okhashelwayo kudingeka aqonde ukuthi ubuhlobo azama ‘ukubukhulula’ abukho kwasekuqaleni.”
3. Abafuni ukushintsha
Ingabe umlingani wakho ophelele unomkhuba omubi ongeke uwushalazele? Ithi, ukuphuza, ukubhema, ukugembula ngokweqile, ukulutha izidakamizwa, izinqumo ezimbi zezimali, njalo njalo? Ngoba izinto ezinjengalezi zingadala umehluko omkhulu phakathi kwenu nobabili. Inkinga ingaba i-snowball ekugcineni uma, naphezu kwemizamo yakho emihle, benqaba ukushintsha.
USander, usomabhizinisi osemusha waseNew York, uthi, “Ngiye ngahlala endaweni ethi “Ingabe kufanele ngibuqede ubuhlobo?” Isimo esibucayi isikhathi eside ngaphambi kokuba ngiphule ubuhlobo bami beminyaka engu-5 no-Amy Ukuthembela kwakhe esitolo kanye nesikweletu esikhulu sekhadi lesikweletu kwakusicindezela kakhulu sobabili Futhi kwakungekho sibonakaliso sokuthi wenza noma yimuphi umzamo wokuba ngcono.
UGopa uyeluleka, “Endabeni yokulutheka noma izinkinga zempilo yengqondo, ukunquma ukuthi uzobuqeda nini futhi nini ubuhlobo kungaba inselele kakhulu kumuntu, ikakhulukazi uma esethathe indima yokuba umnakekeli. Kulapho kuphela eqaphela khona ukuthi ngeke ‘asindise’ othile ngaphandle kwalapho efisa ukushintsha ukuze abe ngcono ukuze akwazi ukubeka kuqala ukuzivikela phezu kobuhlobo.”
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4. Niyabambana
Kwesinye isikhathi, ubudlelwano abupheli ngenxa yokuntula uthando noma ukuzibophezela komunye nomunye kodwa ngoba nje ukuba nozakwenu kukuvimbela ekubeni ube yinguqulo yakho ofisa ukuba yiyo. Nakuba kungase kubonakale kuwubugovu, ngokungangabazeki kuphakathi kwezizathu ezizwakalayo zokuhlukana nomuntu osamthanda.
Ingabe unawo amaphupho ofuna ukuwafeza? Ingabe uyazidela izifiso zakho zokuhlala nomlingani wakho? Mhlawumbe uthole ithuba elihle eNew York obekumele ule ngoba umlingani wakho akafuni ukuphuma LA. Uma ungakwazi ukuthola indawo ephakathi nendawo lapho ningakwazi ukuhlala ndawonye futhi ningayeki izifiso zenu, kungenzeka kuholela ekucasukeni ebudlelwaneni. Ezimweni ezinjalo, kungcono ukuqeda ubuhlobo ngaphandle kokulimazana.
“Kungase kube nzima ukuqeda ubudlelwano lapho uthanda umuntu othandana naye.” Nokho, uma nobabili nifuna izinto ezingafani ekuphileni, ubuhlobo ngeke buhlale buqinile ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.” “Senze isibopho komunye nomunye” noma “Sisenemizwa” akuzona izizathu ezanele zokuba sebudlelwaneni uma bulimaza ukukhula kwakho njengomuntu ngamunye,” kusho uGopa.
5. Nihlale nilwa
Uma ufuna izizathu ezigculisayo zokungahlali ebudlelwaneni, ukubanjwa umjikelezo ongapheli wokulwa kubalulekile. Nakuba bonke ubudlelwano bubona ingxenye yabo yokungqubuzana, uma ukulwa nezingxabano kuyilokho kuphela ubudlelwano obuncishisiwe, bukhomba ubuhlobo obuhlukanayo.
Lapho izingxoxo zakho zansuku zonke ziphenduka ukufana kwe-slanging, zingathinta impilo yakho yengqondo nobudlelwano bakho. UGopa uthi, “Lobo budlelwano bukhathaza imizwa, ngokwengqondo, nasemzimbeni, futhi bunomthelela kuzo zonke izici zezimpilo zabo bobabili. Kufana nokuhlala endaweni enezimpi, lapho uhlala ungonqeni futhi ukuhamba ngamagobolondo amaqanda, besaba ukuthi inhlamvu encane ingase iqale omunye umjikelezo wokuxabana, ukuklabalasa, nokuphikisana.”
6. Izidingo zakho azihlangabezwa
Izidingo ezingafinyeleleki ziphakathi kwezizathu ezizwakalayo zokuhlukana nophathina. Uma umlingani wakho enganikeli ukubaluleka okwanele ezidingweni noma ezifisweni zakho, uqala ukuzizwa ungafaneleki. Lokhu, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ngeke kugcine kuphela uthando oluzwayo ngabo kodwa ukwaliwa njalo nokuxoshwa kumlingani wakho nakho kuqede ukuzethemba kwakho.
“Uma ubudlelwano bungagculisi ngisho nawe kakhulu izidingo eziyisisekelo ezingokomzwelo uGopa uthi: “Ungajabuli futhi unganeliseki.” Khumbula, unelungelo lokudonsa ipulaki ebuhlotsheni obukwenza uzizwe ungaphelele, unesizungu, noma ungahlonishwa.
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7. Senihlukene phakathi
Awumbuzi umuntu wakho ukuthi belunjani usuku lwakhe. Ungahamba izinsuku ngaphandle kokufona noma ukuthumela imiyalezo futhi awuphuthelwa ngisho nokuxhumana. Mhlawumbe awuzizwa uxhumekile ngokomzwelo noma ngokomzimba kubo. Kunokuntuleka kokuthintwa okunothando, okungathinta inkanuko njengokugona okufudumele noma ukubamba izandla, ingasaphathwa eyezikhathi zocansi ezisondelene. Ungase uthande umlingani wakho kodwa 'awuthandani' naye. Futhi ngolunye usuku oluhle uyaqaphela ukuthi uphila ukuphila okubili okuhlukene okungase kuhambisane kodwa okungavamile ukuhlangana.
Ngamanye amazwi, uye sahlukana phakathi. Esimeni esifana nalesi, uma uhlezi uzibuza ukuthi, “Ingabe kufanele ngihlukane nomlingani wami?”, landelela lowo mcabango. Ngoba uma ungakwazi ukuba naye noma ukhulume nomuntu othandana naye, kungezinye zezimpawu ukuthi ubudlelwano bakho buyahluleka. Nakuba kunzima ukulondoloza uthando owawunalo ngesikhathi uqala, ubuhlobo bufile lapho ukungabi nandaba kungena futhi lokho kuyisizathu esanele sokuqeda ubuhlobo.
8. Usukhathele ubudlelwano bakho
Baningi-ke abantu abaqhubeka nokuhlala ebudlelwaneni ngoba abafuni ukumosha isikhathi namandla abawafake kubo. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, umqondo wokwenza umzamo nokusebenza ukulungisa izinkinga ezikhungethe ukuxhumana-kungaba ukulahlekelwa inhlansi yothando, noma ukunethezeka kanye isithukuthezi ebudlelwaneni- kubonakala kukhathele. Mhlawumbe kungenxa yokuthi wenze imizamo yokuthuthukisa ubudlelwano benu kodwa lutho.
Futhi ngakho-ke, uvele unqume ukuthi "yilokho okuyikho." Kodwa liyini iphuzu lokuba nomuntu lapho ningasasijabuleli isikhathi senu ndawonye, ninezingxoxo ezingezinhle futhi nisebenzisane ngenkani? Uma umqondo wokuba nomlingani wakho ungasakujabulisi, uma ungathanda ukwenza noma yini enye kunokuba ube wedwa naye, uma ungakhumbuli isikhathi sokugcina lapho uzwa injabulo nokuhleka nomunye wakho obalulekile, yilapho kufanele uqede ubuhlobo.
9. Umlingani wakho useyekile ukukwenzela umzamo
Uma ubulokhu ufaka yonke imizamo ebuhlotsheni ngenkathi umlingani wakho ehluleka ukukhombisa futhi enze kancane, ungase uzithole usesimweni esicindezelayo ngokomzwelo lapho ngakolunye uhlangothi, ulokhu unethemba ngokumelene nethemba lokuthi izinto zizoba ngcono, futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo uzibuza ukuthi uzobuqeda nini futhi nini ubudlelwano.
Kungaba nzima ukukwamukela ukuthi umuntu omthandayo akakuthandi ngendlela omdinga ngayo, kodwa lokho kwenzeka kaningi kunalokho obukucabanga. Uma kwenzeka, kudingeka wenze izinqumo ezinzima ngenxa yenhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo.
Ubudlelwano bohlangothi olulodwa abukwazi ukusimama isikhathi eside, futhi noma unikela ngakho konke ukuze wenze izinto zisebenze, kungaba yizindleko zokubhekana nobuhlungu benhliziyo obuqhubekayo. Naphezu kokubekezelela konke lokho kuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo kodwa ubungeke waneliseke ngoba umlingani wakho uzohluleka ukuhlangabezana nezidingo zakho kanye nalokho okulindele. Kungcono usheshe uzikhiphe kulolu sizi ngoba ufanelwe wukuba nomuntu okhona ngokujulile othandweni nawe, uyakulalela, ufuna wena empilweni yabo, futhi uyakwazisa lokho oyikho.
10. Awuhambisani ngokocansi
Ukuntuleka kokufanelana ngokocansi kungafaka ubunzima obukhulu ebuhlotsheni bombhangqwana. Nakuba kungokwemvelo ukuthi isifiso socansi sishube ngemva kokuba usuhlale nomuntu isikhathi eside, ukungqubuzana okuphelele kwezidingo zocansi kungenza ubuhlobo bungakwazi ukubekezeleleka.
Uma umlingani wakho engazinakile izidingo zakho, enendaba kuphela nokujabula kwakhe, noma ekufaka icala ekubeni uvume ukuya ocansini lapho ungafuni, lokho akwenzi ubudlelwano obulinganayo futhi kungaba yingozi kakhulu ukuba kuyo. Kuphinde kusho into ethile inani lobugovu. Ngisho noma ezinye izici zobuhlobo bakho zibonakala zinokulinganisela, ukuntula ukuzanelisa ngokobulili kungase kubangele ukucasuka, ukucasuka, nokweyisa—okungase kubangele ngisho nobuhlobo obuqine kakhulu.
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11. Ninokuhlukana okungenakunqotshwa kwamasiko, uhlanga, noma inkolo
Ngokufanelekile, uthando kufanele ludlule ukungezwani kohlanga, inkolo, noma amasiko kodwa uma umbhangqwana ungavuthwanga ukubuyisana nokungafani kwawo okungokwemvelo, kungase kuphakame izinkinga. UGopa uyachaza, “Izinto ezazibonakala zizinhle noma zizinhle ekuqaleni kobuhlobo kamuva zingase zibe ingxabano enkulu phakathi kombhangqwana. imishado yamasiko bakuthola kunzima ukuzivumelanisa nezimo ikakhulukazi uma beqinile okholweni namasiko abo.”
Ngokufanayo, imikhuba nezindlela zokuphila ezishiwo inkolo kungaba nzima ukuzishintsha futhi noma yimiphi imizamo yomlingani ukuguqula ingxenye yabo engcono endleleni yabo yokuphila ingaholela ezingxabanweni, ikakhulukazi uma kungenziwanga ngokuzithandela. Uma ubuwena, ukholo, kanye nendlela yakho yokuphila kubuzwa umlingani wakho, kungase kuholele ekubhidlikeni kobudlelwano bakho.
12. Uphupha ngomunye umuntu
Kungokwemvelo ukuba nokuchotshozwa kwesikhashana noma uzizwe ukhangwa isikhashana ngomunye umuntu ngenkathi usebudlelwaneni. Nokho, ayadlula futhi okwesikhashana amagama asebenzayo lapha. Uma uzithola wakha amaphupho nemicabango eduze, hhayi umlingani wakho, kodwa omunye umuntu, kuwuphawu oluqinisekile lwenkinga.
“Ngandlela thize, lokhu kuwuhlobo lwe ukukopela ngokomzwelo emshadweni. Ngabhekana necala lapho owesilisa wayeba nezingcingo zasebusuku nabesifazane abangaziwa, abuke izithombe zocansi, futhi ahlanganyele 'amaphupho' akhe nomlingani wakhe, okuholele ekungavikelekeni okukhulu ngaphakathi kuye. Owesifazane wazizwa engafaneleki futhi engakwazi ukwethemba noma ukuhlonipha umlingani wakhe womshado. Ukungakwazi ukubhekana nomshado ngokuvuthwa kungaholela ekukhungathekeni nasekudabukeni kwenhliziyo futhi nakanjani ngesinye sezizathu zokuqeda uthando,” kusho uGopa.
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13. Awusazizwa uphephile ngokomzwelo
Lapho ubudlelwano bakho buyantuleka ukuphepha ngokomzwelo, awusakwazi ukuveza imizwa yakho ngaphandle kokwesaba ukwahlulelwa, ukuxoshwa, noma ukugconwa. Ngenxa yalokho, uqala ukukhala, okubuye kucekele phansi ubungozi kanye nokusondelana ebudlelwaneni. Uyini umphumela? Wena nophathina wakho niqhelelana ngokomzwelo futhi nizihoxise, nizizwa ninesizungu naphezu kokuba nisothandweni, futhi kancane kancane niqala ukucasukelana.
"Ukuntula ukuphepha ngokomzwelo kungenza ozakwethu babe abantu ongabazi. Uma umlingani wakho evala imizwa noma echitha imizwa yakho, ungase uqale ukuzizwa ungavumelani kakhulu naye. Ngokushesha, ungase ungaqiniseki ngisho nokuthi uzizwa kanjani ngaye," kusho uGopa. Uma uke wazibuza ukuthi, "Kunjani ukuphuma othandweni?", Yilokhu. Uma kuyilokho obubhekene nakho, sekuyisikhathi sokuthi uyeke ukuzibuza ukuthi uzobushiya nini ubuhlobo futhi uqale ukulungisa kanjani.
14. Imigomo yakho yempilo ayihambelani
Ufuna ukuphila okujabulisayo kodwa umlingani wakho ukhetha ukuphila okunethezekile. Ufuna ukuba yikho ingane ngokukhetha kodwa umlingani wakho ubelokhu ephupha ngokuba nomndeni omkhulu. Uwumlutha futhi uyalulama kodwa umlingani wakho uphikelela ekuphuzeni njalo ngezimpelasonto. Imigomo enjalo yempilo ehlukene ingabeka ubude besikhathi sobudlelwano bakho embuzweni.
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi imigomo yomsebenzi, izintandokazi zendlela yokuphila, noma isifiso sokuba nezingane, imigomo engafani ingase ibe umthombo wokungqubuzana okuqhubekayo ebuhlotsheni, futhi ukuthola indlela yokuhlala ndawonye kusho ukubhalisela ukunganeliseki isikhathi eside. "Ozakwethu bayahlukana uma imigomo yabo yokuphila ihlukana. Uma ungekho umbono ohlanganyelwe ngezici ezibalulekile njengomndeni, umsebenzi, noma indlela yokuphila, ubudlelwano bungaphela," kusho uGopa.
15. Kukhona ukunganaki noma ukugxekwa njalo
Ukugxekwa kungenye ye Abagibeli Bamahhashi Abane be-Apocalypse ebudlelwaneni, ngokusho kwesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esaziwayo nochwepheshe kwezobudlelwano uDkt. John Gottman. Uma eyakho umlingani uhlale ekugxeka noma ulungise amaphutha akho ngaphandle kokunaka ukuthi uletha ini ebudlelwaneni, kungakwenza uzizwe ungabalulekile.
Lokhu kunganaki okungapheli kuqeda ukuzethemba futhi kuvula indlela yendawo enenzondo, egcwele ukuzivikela, indelelo, nokujikijelwa ngamatshe (abanye abagibeli bamahhashi abathathu). Ungahamba isikhathi eside kangakanani kule ndlela ngaphambi kokuba yonke into ihlakazeke ngokuphelele? Akukude kakhulu. Ngakho, uma kulapho uzithola ukuyo, kungase kube ukuhlakanipha ukunciphisa ukulahlekelwa kwakho futhi uqhubeke.
16. Usuqhelelene emoyeni noma ngokomzimba
Akuyona into engavamile ukuthi imibhangqwana, ikakhulukazi ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside, idlule ezihlangwini zokuqhela emoyeni noma ngokomzimba. Kodwa-ke, lapho leli banga liba isici esihlala njalo ebudlelwaneni bakho futhi hhayi nje isigaba esidlulayo, kungenye yezimpawu zokuthi ubudlelwano bakho buyehluleka. Kokubili ukusondelana ngokomzimba nangokomzwelo kubalulekile ukuze kugcinwe futhi kuthuthukiswe ukuxhumana phakathi kwabalingani ababili.
Izenzo zokusondelana ngokomzimba ezinjengokwanga, ukuqabula, nokubamba izandla zidlulisela uthando futhi zenza abantu bazizwe bethandwa futhi befiswa. Ngokufanayo, ukusondelana ngokomzwelo kuvula indlela yokuba sengozini nokwethenjwa. Kwe ukungabi khona kothando nokusondelana, ungase uzithole ukhathazekile, “Ngizizwa sengathi ubuhlobo bami buyaphela.” Futhi unephutha. Umbuzo uthi ingabe wena nophathina wakho ningathola indlela yokulibamba leli banga, noma ningaba ngcono uma nihlukana?
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17. Kukhona ukuntuleka kokuhloniphana
Inhlonipho ingenye yamatshe ekhona angaphansi kwanoma yiliphi ubuhlobo obunempilo. Nakuba uthando lubhekwa njengengcina ehlanganisa abantu ababili, eqinisweni, inhlonipho esekela ubuhlobo obuhlala isikhathi eside. “Uthando alukwazi ukuqhubeka isikhathi eside uma kungekho ukuhloniphana, futhi ubudlelwano obungenanhlonipho buyoshabalala,” kusho uGopa.
Uma umlingani wakho engakuhloniphi—kungaba ngokuphawula okulahlayo, ukuziphatha okulawulayo noma ukunganaki imingcele—ukuxhumana kwansuku zonke kungaqeda ukwethembana nothando ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Njengoba inhlonipho, uthando, nokwethemba kungasekho, yini esele ngempela? Ingabe kukhona ngisho iphuzu lokuzibuza ukuthi buqedwa nini ubuhlobo esimweni esinjalo?
18. Uzizwa ukhululekile ngomqondo wokuhlukana
Uma ubulokhu uzibuza ukuthi uzobuqeda nini futhi nini ubudlelwano, thatha isikhashana ucabange ukuthi ubungazizwa kanjani ukubhekana nabo. Ingabe uzwa umuzwa wokukhululeka uyakugeza noma umqondo wokuvumela umlingani wakho ahambe ukushiya nefindo esiswini sakho? Uma kungokokuqala, kusele into eyodwa kuphela—qhubeka udonse ipulaki.
Lapho umcabango wokuqeda izinto uletha ukuthula ngaphezu kokudabuka, ubuhlobo buye baphela. “Ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni ngenxa yemikhuba noma ukwesaba ukuba wedwa kungakuqeda amandla,” kusho uGopa.” Uma yikho kade uhlehlisa ukuhlukana nophathina wakho, qunga isibindi futhi ukhumule umjiko.Asikho isidingo sokubhaxabula ihhashi elifile.
Ukuqeda Ubudlelwano - Indlela Elungile Yokwenza
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ziqine kangakanani izizathu zakho zokuhlukana nomlingani wakho, ukuqeda ubuhlobo akukaze kube yinto ejabulisayo. Kumelwe kube nokulimala, ubuhlungu, nentukuthelo nhlangothi zombili. Uma nindawonye isikhathi eside, kungaba nzima ukuba “nenkulumo”. Nokho, kubalulekile ukuphatha le ngxoxo ngokuzwela nokuvuthwa, ukuze ungagcini usukhulisa imizwa yokulimala nobuhlungu nhlangothi zombili. Ukuze wenze lokho, nazi izinto ezimbalwa okufanele uzikhumbule:
- Okokuqala, ungalokothi qeda ubuhlobo ngomlayezo wombhalo ngaphandle uma ubudlelwano bebuhlukumeza futhi wesabela ukuphepha kwakho noma umlingani wakho bekusabisa kangangokuthi unomuzwa wokuthi awumkweleti incazelo.
- Thembeka ngezizathu zakho zokuqeda ubudlelwano futhi uzinikeze ukucaciseleka ngalokho okungahambanga kahle. Kuyinhlonipho eyisisekelo ukunikeza ukuvala okufanele uma kunguwe okhethe ukuphuma
- Ngesikhathi esifanayo, gwema ukusola futhi ube nozwela kancane esimweni sabo sengqondo.
- Ukuba umngani ne ex ngokuvamile akavumelani nabaningi bethu. Ngakho-ke, ngaphambi kokuba uhambe, xoxa ngesethi ecacile yemingcele yokuxhumana okuzayo
Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa
Kufanele ube neqiniso ngokuthi kungani ufuna ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni. Ngoba noma yimaphi amanga noma amaphutha angase abangele ubuhlungu nobuhlungu obuningi. Yenza ingxoxo ibe yinhle ngangokunokwenzeka, xolisa nganoma yikuphi ukulimaza okungenzeka ubazwise kona, futhi ugweme ukusola nokubeka icala kumlingani wakho osanda kuhlanganyela.
Ukukopela, ukungathembeki, ukuqamba amanga, ukwala ukushintsha, nokunganaki izidingo zomlingani wakho uma ezofuna ukwesekwa yizizathu ezinhle zokuqeda ubudlelwano. Izingxabano ezimbalwa, ukungaqondi kahle, iphutha langempela, umlingani ongahlali kahle, ukuguquka kwemvelo komlingani ekubukekeni njengoba bekhula - zonke lezi zizathu ezimbi zokuqeda ubuhlobo.
Akulula neze ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni kodwa ungabuqeda ngobudlelwano obuhle ngokuzikhipha kancane ebudlelwaneni. Thatha isikhathi sakho futhi kancane kancane uqinisekise ukuthi umlingani wakho uyazi ukuthi aweneme ngakho. Izingxoxo eziqotho noma ukufuna usizo lomeluleki nakho kungenza umehluko.
Uma omunye wabalingani benze iphutha langempela futhi bezimisele ukulilungisa, bazibophezele ngalo, futhi benze konke abangakwenza ukuligwema, kunengqondo ukuyekethisa ebudlelwaneni futhi bunikeze elinye ithuba.
Izikhombi Ezibalulekile
- Ungacabangi kabili ngaphambi kokuqeda ubuhlobo obuhlukumezayo
- Ukungathembeki kungenye yezinto ezinkulu ezingahlukanisa umbhangqwana
- Izidingo zakho ezingokomzwelo/zobuhlakani/ngokomzimba ukungafezeki kuyisizathu esanele sokuqeda ubudlelwano
- Uma wena nomlingani wakho nixabana njalo noma nibambana ekuhloleni amandla enu aphezulu, hlukanani
- Phuma uma ungazizwa uxhumekile kubo noma ubudlelwano abusajabulisi
- Ukwehluka kwamasiko, ubuhlanga, noma inkolo okugqamayo kuyizizathu ezizwakalayo zokushiya umlingani wakho
Imicabango Final
Nakuba ukulungisa nokuyekethisa kubalulekile ebuhlotsheni obuhlala isikhathi eside, ungalokothi uyishaye indiva imizwa yakho. Imizwa yakho iyasebenza kanjalo nezidingo zakho. Uma izidingo zakho zingahlangatshezwana nawe, awujabulile njalo, uzizwa unesizungu futhi unesizungu, noma ungamthandi umuntu ozoba yikho ngenxa yobudlelwano benu, unelungelo lokuzibeka phambili futhi uhambe, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi unesikhathi esingakanani nindawonye. Khumbula, uphila kanye kuphela, futhi akufanele uvumele ubuhlobo bukuvimbele ukuba uphile impilo engcono kakhulu.
Maduze Kangakanani Ungaqala Ukuqomisana Futhi Ngemva Ukuhlukana?
Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.
