Prof. Dr.Rajan Bhonsle, M.D.
Hon.Professor & Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine, KEM Hospital & Seth G.S. Medical College, Mumbai
Diplomate, American Board of Sexology & American College of Sexologists (Pronounced as India’s TOP SEXOLOGIST by INDIA TODAY, Prof. Dr Rajan Bhonsle has written more than 1200 articles in India’s premier publications such as India Today, Times of India, DNA, Hindustan Times, Asian Age, Mumbai Mirror, Mid-Day, The Afternoon, Femina, Cosmopolitan, Life Positive, New Woman, Savvy, Men’s World etc)
How can a couple have a better and more fulfilling sex life? Here is a list of things that every woman wishes her partner knew, which would immeasurably improve their sex life.
1. A good TALK is a great aphrodisiac for many women
Many women find talk a potent turn-on. For them, talking and feeling loved are more important than sex. Especially for those women who are busy at home with household duties, an intellectual conversation can be stimulating. Good conversation during evening walks or while the couple is relaxing can be a great aphrodisiac. Sexual sharing later is enhanced manifold by affectionate and caring words. A husband could tell his wife how much he loves her, could also whisper her name, which acts as a reassurance that he is with her mentally during those intimate moments.
2. Many wives are anxious about physical attractiveness
“I have put on almost 10 kg since we got married seven years ago. It scares me to think that my husband may find me unattractive. I can undress only under the cover of darkness.” Caring husbands can always sense such anxieties in their wives. There is no need to lie and say she’s gorgeous if she isn’t, nor is there a need to say that she is not attractive anymore. One can always appreciate and praise what you do find attractive – the smoothness of her skin, her husky voice, her alluring lips, her captivating eyes or her delightful smile. These things remain unaffected even with gaining of weight or aging.
3. Sex is not separate from the rest of her life
A woman operates through the heart. For her, sex life is not separate from the rest of her life. She sees everything in her life as interrelated. As against this, man tends to compartmentalise, feeling that stressful aspects of life can be parked mentally and separated from sexual activity.
A woman needs good feelings and experiences during the day to have satisfying sex. How her husband treats her out of bed greatly influences her response in bed. Inattentiveness, harsh language, rude tone, hurtful words and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to get involved, to feel enthusiastic and to be passionate during sex. It’s important for a couple to be loving even when they are not in a sex act. Sexuality and affection can’t be compartmentalised. Good sex is a continuum of affection and closeness. If the husband surprises his wife by coming back early from work or by bringing flowers or a gift for no reason in particular, this thoughtfulness may improve the couple’s sexual drive and the pleasure during intimacy.
Related reading: Is sex a chore for women?
4. Orgasm is not a necessity
Many men feel that a good lover is one who can bring his wife to climactic sexual culmination. It is great to have such moments when they do happen, but are not always essential. Studies have shown that only around 60% of women have orgasm more than 50% of the times they have intercourse. Many women feel pressure from partners and even from themselves to reach orgasm. Many men carry certain guilt for reaching their own orgasm and not being able to bring their partners to it. They tend to forget that physical closeness and sharing of feelings during good foreplay with a loved one is a wonderful pleasure in itself.
Orgasm-oriented sex is like setting off on a cross-country trip and focusing on reaching the opposite coast without enjoying all the beauties along the way. Men particularly need to know that the goal of sex is to be loving with one another.
5. Sex need not be a serious act
Playfulness is a great quality. Many men are far too serious about sex. They forget to laugh, to be romantically mischievous, to have fun. A quality of playfulness and light-heartedness can make intimate moments very enjoyable and relaxing. Even a failure – that every man experiences once in a while – can be taken in a good spirit and even mutually laughed about. That can take performance pressure off from either of the partners, which in many cases is a basic cause of psychogenic impotency or frigidity. Sex need not always be an expression of endless, abiding love and passion. It can also be romantically mischievous and sensually naughty.
Related reading: Does marriage take the fun out of sex?
6. Women cherish non-sexual touching and tenderness
Women want romance, cuddling, hand-holding and kissing. But many women report that their husbands never kiss them – in or out of bed. “Pravin doesn’t touch me except during foreplay and sex. Sometimes I wish he kisses and touches me just for fun. Why is it so difficult for him to do this?”
A woman can be of great help in making the man realise the joy of touching. As she gives him a relaxing massage and strokes his face and hair tenderly, the man starts experiencing the joy of this kind of non-sexual touching. Holding hands can give an intimate feeling of closeness, and men understand the value of these sensations and reciprocate the same.
Couples should communicate tenderness and sensitivity in other non-sexual ways. Tell your husband what makes you feel loved. Love doesn’t make one a mind reader. Love gives the strength to trust each other enough to ask openly and answer truthfully.
7. Warm attention after sex is as important as good foreplay
A woman’s need for tender moments goes beyond the actual lovemaking.
“I feel lonely after sex. Prakash falls asleep immediately after the act.” Many women have complaints like Sheila’s. Other women, whose husbands are loving and affectionate after sex, find this a time of special joy.
It is true that when a man is having sex, his endorphin level is very high. Almost immediately after ejaculation, he goes through a refractory phase in which he loses his erection, he crashes and all his systems gear down. This phase is instantaneous, whereas in females it happens gradually. Men tend to fall asleep due to this immediately after sex. However, the sleep or tiredness is never so overpowering that they cannot overcome it. If a man wants to and if he cares enough, it is not very difficult for him keep awake.
Men invariably have trouble believing that after great sex, woman needs some non-sexual body contact and intimacy. It is a good idea to tell your husband what you need without putting him down and making him feel like an insensitive jerk.