Prof. Dr.Rajan Bhonsle, M.D.
Hon.Professor & Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine, KEM Hospital & Seth G.S. Medical College, Mumbai
Diplomate, American Board of Sexology & American College of Sexologists (Pronounced as India’s TOP SEXOLOGIST by INDIA TODAY, Prof. Dr Rajan Bhonsle has written more than 1200 articles in India’s premier publications such as India Today, Times of India, DNA, Hindustan Times, Asian Age, Mumbai Mirror, Mid-Day, The Afternoon, Femina, Cosmopolitan, Life Positive, New Woman, Savvy, Men’s World etc)
While it’s less easy for a woman to achieve an orgasm during sex than it is for a man to climax, it’s still possible. The woman can learn techniques to ensure she is receptive to having an orgasm, while her man can learn how to make sure her experience is all that she hopes for.
Orgasm is a mind thing
Orgasm is influenced by the ‘body’ as well as the ‘mind’ in women (as well as in men). On some occasions, your body might be involved, but your mind is absent. In other words, you might not always be as aroused and excited as at other times. If you are preoccupied or distracted by other happenings in your life or are perhaps having relationship problems, you might not be able to climax and experience an orgasm as easily as at other times, or perhaps not at all. This can happen to women and men.
Related reading: 7 tips for women who are trying sex for the first time
It’s not just you
Inability to reach to orgasm is very common amongst women. Probably it is the result of age-old sexual repression of women, forced by religious and cultural beliefs. It either stems from your own deep rejection of your sexuality, or as a result of a moralistic upbringing. At times, there is an organic (physical) problem that prevents woman from reaching orgasm. This would more likely cause a problem with the actual act of intercourse, which might be painful or even difficult to perform. Certain medications and large quantities of alcohol might affect your drive for sex and as a result make orgasm more difficult to achieve. Some women have never experienced orgasm but with some guidance most of them can learn to achieve an orgasm.
Related reading: 5 reasons why every man must ‘help’ his woman to an orgasm
Equality of the sexes
A woman is as capable of experiencing an orgasm as men. All it needs is her true and complete acceptance of her sexuality, love and attraction for the partner, a relaxed atmosphere, complete privacy and uninhibited passion. In such circumstances one simply discovers the technique to reach one’s orgasm.
Learn how to have an orgasm
Orgasm is a choice, not an obligation. When it comes to being orgasmic, there are likely to be psychological issues like control and fear. However, both can be surmounted and you can discover and train yourself to become orgasmic. Steps to become orgasmic include: Learning to recognise what pleases you genitally and generally; learning to feel free and more comfortable telling and even showing your partner how to pleasure you; learning to relax and flow with the feelings of pleasure; getting absorbed in pleasure without a goal; and involving each other in mutual pleasuring in the form of extended foreplay.
Reality is not like the movies
Given the significance of engaging in peno-vaginal intercourse, and the manner in which it is depicted in movies, many young and old couples have quite an unrealistic expectation of it. Many young men and women expect it to be this wild and wonderful experience that includes explosion of intense pleasure. Many young women are understandably confused and puzzled when they try it a few times and do not find it as delightful and fascinating for them as they expected. They continue doing it because they believe the expected experience must be right around the corner, if only they keep trying. They have these unrealistic expectations that are never met. Everyone else is supposedly enjoying it, so that must indicate there is something wrong with her if she does not. This is basically not true!
Love and relaxation
Many women do not experience orgasms by ‘penetration’ but can experience orgasms by ‘vulvar caresses’ with as much pleasure as the others. It is difficult for some men to accept the fact that their penis does not give pleasure to their partner. One partner’s eroticism needn’t match the other’s and sexuality isn’t only the union of a penis and a vagina!
She must play an active role
One of the key factors in reaching orgasm for a woman is her ‘active participation’ in the act. Active participation is possible only when she has no inhibitions during the sexual act and she’s in ‘love’ with her partner. She also needs to be utterly relaxed during the act. This happens only when she’s completely comfortable with her own sexuality and has no negative notions about the sexual act. Many women who cannot ordinarily experience orgasm, do experience it when they are relaxed, involved, participate actively and perform intercourse in the ‘woman on top’ (female superior) position.
The position is important
For a man it’s easy to penetrate and climax with the least effort, as his organ (glans penis) can be stimulated in any position; but this isn’t so for a woman. For her to be satisfied in the sexual act, she needs to climax too; and this is only possible if her clitoris is stimulated in the right way for a clitoral orgasm or then a specific movement which would give her a vaginal orgasm.
In addition, as compared to the man, the woman takes longer to get aroused. If the woman is on top and the man below, the woman can move in a way that would give her clitoris the right stimulus, and she would then be able to climax fully and experience the pleasure of orgasm with or even before her partner.
Related reading: 5 sex positions for maximum pleasure for woman
Hold on until she’s ready
The ideal sexual encounter would be one in which there is adequate foreplay, and the man should preferably not penetrate unless the woman indicates that she is fully aroused. The ‘woman-on-top’ position ensures the correct stimulation. This position in which the man is relatively passive and the woman active, ensures that the man remains aroused enough to maintain his erection till the woman is ready to climax. This is opposed to the ‘man-on-top’ position, where the man nears his ejaculation with every movement, but the woman may be still very far from climaxing.
Once the man ejaculates, he loses his erection, and is then incapable of bringing the woman to her climax. Therefore, the key would be to prolong the male orgasm till the woman is nearing her orgasm. Then they can either climax together, or the woman climaxes first immediately followed by the man. There should be some sort of a signal between the partners to indicate the nearing of the climax so that it can be timed in a way that the woman can reach her climax too. Once the woman reaches her orgasm (in certain cases even multiple orgasms), the sexual act can still continue, as there is nothing like loss of erection in women, till the man climaxes. This would provide complete sexual satisfaction to both the partners.