(As told to Joyeeta Talukdar)
I was in a relationship with Meera for seven years. All of a sudden, one day she called me to say, “It’s over!”
Every moment I spent with her started flashing in front of my eyes. I began stalking her on social media to see if she was happy after breaking up with me and she indeed was. It made me mad. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Nor could I sleep. I took a break, went for a holiday, and showed off to the world that the breakup didn’t matter, but it wasn’t helping. This is because deep inside my mind I was talking to myself and trying to figure out why she had dumped me.
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I tried getting her back
I didn’t want to confront her either, because my male ego was hurt. In one weak moment, I decided to meet her, which made my situation worse. She said, “Rishab, you have never valued my emotions. I have stopped feeling anything for you now; because when I did, you never reciprocated. It’s in the best of our interests that you let me go.”
I am really bad at expressing feelings. I couldn’t get myself to tell her that she was all I had. My work demanded all my time, but then she was always on my mind. My words couldn’t find their way out of my heart and I walked out.
Related reading: Reasons why Indian men do not communicate their feelings
I lost sleep
Over a period of time, my anxieties started getting so severe that I started having ‘nocturnal emission-night falls’. The sexual frustration was driving me mad. Finally, I mustered up some courage and decided to talk to one of my friends about my condition. She advised me to consult a psychiatrist. It wasn’t easy, because I believed psychiatrists were for people who were insane. I’m glad I finally ended up visiting the psychiatrist, because she made me understand that what I was going through was a sign of depression, and the rest of the symptoms were manifestations of the bigger problem.
Related reading: Unable to get over two-year-old breakup, sometimes I feel suicidal
Finally I got help
After almost one year of counseling, it has become easier for me to deal with the truth, although the pain does find its way into my heart sometimes. However, it’s easier for me today to confess that I was frustrated because my ego was hurt. With great courage I recently met Meera, to render my apologies and free myself from my self-inflicted misery. “Dear Meera, I’m sorry that I couldn’t ever convey what you meant to me,” I told her. “I know that you don’t wish to come back to my life again and I respect your decision. All I want is for you to be happy.”
It’s going to take a while for me to heal completely. But I already feel lighter now.