I expected dating to be something different
I was a young, naïve, all-girls’ school educated teenager, entering college for the first time. My heart was full of apprehension, tension and expectation. With Bollywood movies as a reference point, my idea of a college was a place where boys chased girls, goofed around, bunked classes and found their soul mates.
So imagine my disappointment when the first boy who approached me for ‘fraandship’ was this scrawny chap who asked the most inane question – ‘Excuse me, will you roam around with me?’ As a pickup line, it was the worst ever. My snooty Convent school sensibilities were so horrified that I never looked at boys for the next three years of graduation.
Let’s face it – wooing a woman is an art and most men can’t paint. The charmers you see in movies are imaginations of talented scriptwriters and nothing else. In real life, more often than not, men are either fumbling and bumbling, or scaring and boring. Thus, it becomes not so easy to conquer hearts of your brides.
I guess they aren’t totally to blame. After all, women are a bit complicated and there is no MBA course on ‘how to woo a woman without creeping her out’! However, what men can do, is learn what NOT to do. So dear gentlemen, if you are trying to win the heart of a woman, please don’t do things that you may think are charming but can turn out to be harming. In public interest, therefore, here are some tips on how NOT to behave if you want to date the object of your affections.
Related reading: Know how much he loves you through his body language
Say a random ‘hi’ on FB
So you saw her at a party and decided to send her a friend request on Facebook. Do so, but please don’t spam her messenger with a random ‘Hi hw r u’ or variations of ‘hi’. If she’s not on your friends list or you don’t have common friends, send a proper, neatly written note on Messenger, not just a random ‘hi’. If you’re lucky, she may accept you. If she accepts you, do NOT thank her for accepting your request as if she’s done you a huge favour. If she doesn’t, FORGET it. Do not send another ‘hi’.
Like or share her every Facebook or Instagram post
She accepted your friend request on FB? Fabulous. Now, please don’t go on ‘liking’ her every post, even if she’s written she has a sore throat. ‘Liking’ a post means you endorse the view expressed in the post, not that you like the person! If you go on a liking and sharing spree without adding anything intelligent to the conversation, you come across as an opinion-less idiot. Also, do not like her old images. If a woman gets a notification of you liking her image from 2007, then it is a clear indication you have been stalking her FB profile. You may think it’s sweet, but we feel it’s kinda creepy.
Crack lame jokes
People are either funny or not. It’s when they pretend to be funny that they are seriously un-funny. Got it? Okay, let me simplify. You may have read in Cosmopolitan that women love men who make them laugh. Yes, we do. But it doesn’t mean you have to be a walking-talking joke book. If humour is not your thing, please remain quiet. Be the strong, silent type. We love those too.
Crack sex jokes
This is a no-brainer. You cannot, should not, must not crack a sex joke because it’s the cool and in thing to do. Especially if you are in the early stages of a potential relationship. Even if you are in a group, watch your words. Women may laugh at your supposed wit but it doesn’t mean they enjoy it. To put it politely, it makes you come across as a perv.
Related reading: Signs when a friendship becomes a ready ground for an affair
Try to charm
The operational word here is ‘try’. The process of winning the attention of your crush should be effortless. The moment you try, you lose the plot. Sure, do give your best but let it be organic, natural and honest. To elaborate, take the example of the recent Bollywood dud, Raabta. Sushant Singh Rajput plays a flirt who thinks flirting is about hitting on any girl in a skirt or a jumpsuit. He falls like a ton of steel for Kriti Sanon and follows her around, breaks up her date, mouths cheesy lines and makes a nuisance of himself. In the movie, the silly girl reciprocates, but in real life, it’s not charming, it will be called stalking.
There is a thin line between being cocky and being confident. Confidence is great asset for men and women but it turns into cockiness if you try to sound and act too smart. Do not drop brand names. Do not say how your career is zooming. Do not flaunt your knowledge of politics, cricket, movies and food – we know better.
Opening a conversation is difficult, ending it is even more so! WhatsApp chats are really tempting but please do not overdo it. You aren’t winning any brownie points with her if you try to stretch the chat beyond reasonable limits. Keep it simple, say what you have to and then end it. For heaven’s sake, do not do the ‘aur batao’ or ‘what else’ or ‘tell me more’ routine.
Brag too much on social media
You are having dinner at Wasabi? Good for you! Travelling first class on Emirates? Fabulous. Checked into the business class lounge? Amazing. Now, please stop documenting every achievement on social media. It doesn’t make us admire you, it makes you sound like a pompous wannabe. Downright no-no.
Related reading: Why accepting a date is NOT an invitation to rape
Call her babe or baby
She is NOT your baby. You can dream of having one if you marry her but until then please address her by her name. This babe business is supremely annoying, especially, if you are just trying to get close to her. Babe is okay if you are on back-slapping terms but wait to reach that level of familiarity. Have patience.
Be too nice
No, we aren’t looking to fall for the bad guy, but being too nice can make you…umm… silly. Don’t rush to fetch her a drink, don’t listen moony-eyed when she talks, don’t agree to everything she says, don’t insist on paying the bill if she wants to split it, don’t seem eager to please. Else, it looks like you’re overcompensating for the lack of a personality.