When your friend is heartbroken
One of the hardest things in the world that you will have to ever do is being there for your friend after a break-up and not being able to beat their ex to a pulp for having the nerve to hurt your friend.
If you have already been at that maddeningly violence-inducing situation, you know how it feels. If you have not, which I hope is true, know that nothing will hurt your stupid heart more than seeing your best friend crumble over a stupid jerk and then having to pick up the pieces. The experience will teach you some extraordinary stuff about life, like five different ways to kill a person while cradling the person that they hurt in your lap and stuffing chocolates into their face. It will also probably burn a serious hole into your pocket because chocolates can be expensive and no one can consume more buckets worth of that stuff than your depressed friend.
So, in case your friend recently had a breakup and you have no idea how to handle the aftermath, here are a few things you can do to make the situation a little bit better:
1. Turn them into an eggroll
No, don’t put them in a pan and fry them. It’s a metaphor, silly. Or not. The idea is to put your weepy friend in a bed-sheet and fold the bed-sheet around them. The bed-sheet is the bread-sheet and they are the egg filling. Get it?
Bonus: Their tears can be the ketchup.
Hint: Don’t eat them.
Read more: How my heartbreak changed me as a person
2. Throw food at them
You will soon learn how fast a person’s reflexes can get when they see a plate of biryani flying towards their face. No one wastes a good plate of biryani. Or a bucket of chocolate ice-cream. Try this especially when they do not seem to be reacting to anything you say or do. Everyone reacts to biryani. If they don’t, why are you even friends again?
Read more: 15 tips on how to not get friend zoned
3. Make plans to kill their ex together
There is hardly anything that deepens friendship more than shared hatred and promise of violence to come. So, in your friend’s rare moments of anger when they would rather scream than cry, plot their ex’s gruesome untimely death to the smallest detail. The more vivid the details, the better. This has the added bonus of you getting to impersonate your favourite villain and do their evil laugh. It also saves money on ice-cream and tissues.
4. Buy a ton of tissues
Believe me, you will need them. Keep an endless supply of tissues around as your friend will need them when they cry and then when they will catch a cold because of all that crying. Basically buy an entire shelf of tissues from the shop. And then add a few tubs of ice-cream to the collection while you are at it.
5. Smack some sense into them
If it has been weeks and still your stupid friend still cannot see how much of a jerk their ex is and a flood is threatening to drown the house, smack them till they see light again. Or smack them unconscious. Whichever is more effective!
Hint: Probably not advisable if your friend is stronger than you. In case it’s unavoidable, do not forget to pack Volini. You will thank me later.
6. Tell them you are an alien and think humanity sucks
Because humans have the strange idea that they can dump a perfect person as your friend. For better effect, tell them you will blow this planet up and ask them to come with you. They will be too busy worrying about your sanity to pay attention to their recent break-up.
7. Listen to them rant for the 140044th time
Yes, you have heard it all before. No, you cannot avoid it. By now you have probably mastered the art of sleeping with your eyes open so put it to some good use.
8. Tell them it’s not okay to use wine as an excuse to call their ex
Some very good grapes died to make that wine. They deserve more respect than being used as an excuse to call her ex.
9. Get them puppies
They will probably cry again but puppy tears are tears of happiness so it’s all good.
10. Make them watch Queen
Yes, even if they are not a woman. Make them watch Queen, which is the epitome of breakup movies and tells every stupid ex to go to hell. Watch your friend realise this and see how their life changes afterwards. If the effect starts to fade after a few minutes, make them watch it all over again. There is no such thing as watching Queen too many times.
11. Always make sure to refill their glasses
Make sure you are not planting the seeds of alcoholism while you are at it, though. Refill their glasses and take away their phone. Then dance madly around the house till you both pass out.
12. Remind them that their ex looks like a boiled carrot
Like carrot. But worse. Because almost no one likes carrots but the disgust isn’t real till you have been forced to eat a boiled carrot.
Hint: Don’t eat a boiled carrot.
Bad attempts at worse jokes aside, there are not many things you can do when someone else is dealing with this kind of mess. The best you can do is being by their side constantly and reminding them that yes, they are a good person and yes, they will probably find love again but no, they should never ever consider calling their ex-lover. And that when they do get through this, you will be there waiting for them on the other side with wine and chocolates.