This is not just about my experience; it’s about the collective power of #MeToo to awaken dormant pain in survivors everywhere. I explore the complex emotions that arise – anger, shame, grief – and the unexpected strength found in solidarity with others. It’s a raw and honest look at how a global movement can spark personal healing, reminding us that we are not alone.
When I Was Abused as a Young Student
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These days the ‘Me too’ campaign has thankfully caught on fiercely amongst the educated class the world over, but my story dates back almost 30 years or more when I was still an almost wet behind the ears, eager-to-please teenager, bursting with the importance of my own newly discovered sexuality. In those days I took private coaching lessons from a Sir, who was a Sir to all the young budding girls, in the vicinity.
It was sort of mandatory in those days for a girl who cleared her 12th standard to learn this particular craft from this particular Sir. It was, in fact, almost a ritual, a tradition. In my case, I think I enjoyed the attention he showered on me. Right from day one, he praised me for my eagerness to learn, and my quickness in picking up the lectures, and often gifted me tiny booklets on the subject.
Related reading: Why can’t we admit to being abused, in our country?
Was I To Blame, for Leading Him On?
I was not sure of how much I was to blame (I guess each victim’s secret shame is similar), because most of my classes had become almost a delicate teasing attempt to win his approval, and soon collective classes started getting rescheduled to individual classes, sometimes by him, and sometimes by me.
The cat and mouse game (if it had been a teen love story this would have been called the wooing phase) would have gone on longer perhaps, but one day, in the middle of the rescheduled individual class, he slid his index finger right down my cleavage. I don’t remember being angry, or afraid, but I do remember telling him firmly enough this must stop, blushing even while saying it. That class and further classes, continued as usual, till it ended with the completion of the course. As if it had never happened. I simply stopped rescheduling to individual classes.
FAQs
1.How can public campaigns like #MeToo help survivors of abuse?
Public campaigns like #MeToo can help survivors of abuse by providing a platform for sharing their experiences, raising awareness about the prevalence of abuse, and fostering a sense of solidarity. These campaigns can validate survivors’ feelings, reduce the stigma associated with speaking out, and encourage societal change by highlighting the widespread nature of the issue.
2. What emotions might arise when revisiting past experiences of abuse triggered by movements like #MeToo?
Revisiting past experiences of abuse can evoke a range of complex emotions, including anger, shame, grief, and a sense of betrayal. While these emotions can be painful, they can also lead to unexpected strength and healing, particularly when survivors connect with others who have had similar experiences and find solidarity in their shared stories.
3.How should one cope with the resurfacing of past trauma due to the #MeToo campaign?
Coping with resurfaced trauma can be challenging. Survivors are encouraged to seek professional counseling, join support groups, or talk to trusted friends or family members. Engaging in self-care practices and connecting with online communities dedicated to survivors can also provide emotional support. Remember, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and take steps at your own pace.
Would Anyone Have Believed Me?
One part of me was of course, ashamed. The other part wondered if I would be believed by anybody, because so many students before me had no such issues, and yet another part remembered my distant friend Mala, who had suddenly stopped coming to his class, three months ago.
I wondered if Sir had something to do with it. The official story told to me by my mom (spread by him, I am sure) was that she was not happy when scolded in front of an audience. But now I had my doubts. I caught her and asked her what had made her quit.
“Nothing, it was too far away,” she said, but the discomfort in her tone and her eyes made me wonder if she was hiding what I was hiding too. Almost six years later, my neighbor’s daughter Saraswati quit the class in a week.
The story my mom gave was that she insisted he (“imagine, he is my father’s age”) was flirting outrageously with her. Mom again insisted it was cock and bull, arguing, “Even you studied there, did you ever feel like that?” I don’t know if Mom ever guessed from my tone and eyes what I was still hiding. It seemed too late in the day to say ‘Me too’. It seemed too late in the day to say ‘Me too’.
Related Reading: Give Up On My Alcoholic, Abusive Husband
After all these years, of marriage, children, being an independent working woman stuff, and all that, it is still one of my deep regrets, that I had been manipulative, and not innocent like Saraswati, not brave like her either to call a spade a spade without wondering whether I would have been believed or not.
This is sort of my ‘Me too’ cry.
Yes, me too, me too.
Final Thoughts
The #MeToo movement is more than a hashtag; it’s a catalyst for awakening and addressing the long-buried pain of many survivors. It brings to the forefront a mix of emotions – anger, shame, grief – while also fostering unexpected strength through solidarity. This collective experience of sharing and healing underlines the power of unity and reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles. By openly discussing our past, we find personal healing and contribute to a global movement that advocates for justice and change.
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This piece was so honest. The way you asked ‘was it I who led him on’. Even when men are the perpetrators many women feel this way…I so understand what you are talking, Many women friends have shared this with me. One thing from a man’s POV somehow they will end up making you the bad one, in front of their wives, friends…I know this.