I got married after a hasty arranged match was fixed with my husband and we settled in the US immediately after marriage. My husband goes through a personality change when he drinks alcohol and starts verbally abusing me. We are married for three years now and there is no physical intimacy either. I am fed up of my life. I want to give up on my alcoholic abusive husband.
I Want To Give Up On My Alcoholic, Abusive Husband
I had never imagined my life would come to this after marriage. I hate my husband when he drinks and I don’t feel any affection towards him anymore. When our match was fixed he projected himself to be a shy and introvert person who never touched alcohol. He didn’t have any friends and his only friend was his mother.
It was an arranged match
The match was fixed and within five days he told me he had been transferred to the US and had to travel immediately. I am a Bengali like him but I belong to a very progressive family and I have travelled all over India because of my father’s transferable job.
I am a fun-loving extrovert girl who has many friends and I love socializing. But I agreed to an arranged match because I liked the guy.
I was working in Delhi then and living alone. While travelling to the US from Kolkata he stayed in Delhi for a day to spend time with me. That was the first time we met. We were alone all day and we made love.
I felt he was a nice guy and a gentleman.
His disposition changed when he reached the US
It was very strange as soon he reached the foreign shores his personality changed. He started screaming and abusing me over the phone. I realised he was totally drunk. He apologized to me the next day and said he was sad after leaving home so he got drunk.
We had five months to go before our wedding and all this while I noticed his personality changed whenever he drank. He really became mean to me when he was drunk. He would pick up fights with me and use abusive language and a volley of slangs.
I did not tell my parents anything about this because I am not too close to them. I felt I had fallen in love with him and after we got married everything would change.
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Post marriage things became worse
He came to India just seven days before the wedding. We got married and I left for the US with him.
Our marriage had a good run for exactly two months then everything started going downhill. He would drink everyday and pick fights with me. Sometimes he would blame me sometimes, my parents and sometimes he would keep saying marriage was a mistake. That’s when I realised I have an alcoholic, abusive husband.
He stopped having sex with me after two months of our marriage. I left my job and came to USA on a dependent visa. I cannot do any job now.
He treats me like a maid
If his colleagues invite us for dinner he will take me but before that he would do lots of drama. Sometimes he would ensure that my mood would be so badly spoilt that I would not want to go and he would happily go alone.
Now it’s been three years we don’t have any sexual relationship. We talk, we go out, we behave like husband and wife but I always feel like I am his maid and not his wife.
I want a divorce now
I have had enough of his meanness after drinking. I am fed up of this constant mistreatment.
Now I want a divorce but somehow I am very scared. I have ruined my career for this person and I even tried to commit suicide once. I am unable to gather the courage to walk out on my alcoholic, abusive husband and start a new life. Please help me.
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Your situation is indeed a difficult one. Let’s look at some pointers below that may help offer you clarity.
You’ve ignored the red flags in the beginning
You were quarreling with him before the marriage and in general not sure about the marriage. This is a red flag that you completely ignored. Why didn’t you think of talking to him in detail about your issues before marriage?
What made you think irrationally that he would change after marriage? Why would he change then if not now? Surely, it’s not just about legal binding? What about feelings and intention?
Your parents are not close to you
You’ve mentioned that your parents don’t share a close relationship with you. Were you trying to escape this strained connection with your parents by getting into a marriage you were unsure of?
Your current situation is challenging
The current situation is pretty tough as you cannot work and he doesn’t give you money. You have to think carefully now. You can take a help of a counsellor if you want.
Have an honest chat with your parents
Why don’t you have an honest chat with your parents and ask them to support you to build a new life? Or request them to talk to your husband and try to sort out the differences?
But first and foremost get clear about what it is that you want from your life. Then paths would open up before you.