I am having an extramarital affair, am I wrong?

My Questions and Answers | | Expert Author , Psychotherapist
Updated On: October 6, 2023
lady thinking something


I am a 32-year-old woman and I’m having an affair with my friend. Initially, it was only friendship. After marriage, I was not happy in my married life physically and emotionally. And then I opened up to my friend. It brought us so close that over time our relationship got physical. We like each other very much. Sometimes I get a thought that what I am doing is wrong. So I don’t know what I am doing is right or wrong… please advise.

Snigdha Mishra says:

Dear 32-year-old,

It’s unfortunate that your marriage is an unhappy one. It’s also unfortunate that you’ve had to find love outside your marriage. I’m not the right person to say whether what your doing is right or wrong. That’s something you have to decide for yourself.

What I can say is, if you are in a loveless marriage, why are you in it in the first place?
a. What future do you see with your husband?
b. What future do you see with your lover?
c. Do you even want a future with either of them?

Extra- Marital Affair

Also, an affair is an affair. In most marriages, it’ll be considered infidelity and will have consequences. I don’t know if you have an open marriage and if it is okay for you and your husband to have partners outside of marriage, if yes, then it hardly makes a difference. If no, then put yourself in your husband’s shoes and think.
So, coming back to your question, if you think you’re wrong then you’re wrong, and if you think you’re right then you’re right. It’s your choice.

All the best!

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Readers Comments On “I am having an extramarital affair, am I wrong?”

  1. If any issue in a marriage, discuss openly with husband. She has daring and guts to have affair and physical relationship with the other person but no daring and guts to discuss with husband. This only shows her selfishness to stay in a marriage for enjoying the benefits of marriage and at the same time cheat her husband at back. Marriage just the word and union, bestows trust , loyalty and integrity on both partners for each other. Don’t play with it and make marriage system a mockery by treading two parallel relationships.
    Cheating in a marriage is not acceptable. Discuss, resolve and still not happy go for divorce and then enjoy the adventures. No partner has right to cheat the other partner in a marriage for whatsoever reasons. Don’t use so called, broad mindedness, 21st women and women’s rights etc only for judiciously cheating in a marriage. Show them in resolving the issue within boundaries of marriage involving your partner and if still not resolved take divorce. But cheating not acceptable.
    Also the guts you have for cheating, you should also have guts in admitting. Once you cheat, it is loyal spouse prerogative to continue the marriage with cheater or end the marriage irrespective of marital issues as afterall you are a cheater with no values,no self respect and dignity (by cheating you proved you don’t have any concern for your partner feelings/emotions etc) and allowed third person to use your body while continuing in a marriage and hence you are no more trustworthy.

  2. “Wrong, Right and normal”, is something that each person defines for themselves. Think about your reason for staying in a loveless marriage, is it for the sake of children, is it financial dependency? Is the sexual element of your relationship with your husband missing, but you get along otherwise? Think of all these questions and their answers. Think about whether it is really worth it, staying in this marriage in the first place. If you have a compelling enough reason to stay, then so be it. However, discuss with your husband what you feel is missing and if there is scope for a rekindling of love and sex in your relationship with your spouse. If there is no way that you can bring that back, then you ideally should tell your partner if you wish to have an affair. Because living under the same roof, these things can’t be hidden forever. Someday it’ll come out, and it’s best if it comes from you to avoid hurting your partner, or making them feel cheated

  3. With all comments I read, almost all highlight that she as lady doing wrong. One says that tell him you are cheating, other says unless he is also in extra marital affair, etc.

    Point here is what about her own emotions. Let’s 1st respect her.

    I would say relationship outside marriage is human made norm. Universal norm is Emotional Connect. That’s the biggest truth

    1. So you think emotional affair is very commin and should be acceptable? What should be the demarcation line between emotional and physical affair?

      What if you found out that you are very sick and at the same time your partner was having and emotional affair, and did not want to tend to your medical and nursing needs? Why, by your logic, would she be wrong? Her emotional/physical needs may not be met by you. So she has the right to leave you whenever she is feeling upset. Is this OK with by your sense of morals and ethics?

  4. An unhappy marriage takes one person at times and not both partners. Despite doing everything the other partner may not feel satisfied and satiated. It’s not always about the other person. Happiness is an inside job. If one has not learnt to be happy regardless of anything…This person will carry it over to other relationships as well. So, seeking a partner outside of a marriage does not guarantee happiness when the internal turmoil is not sorted. As for guilt…that will be there if you are not convinced of your actions. Partner hopping is also a result of such internal turmoil. Most marriages are in this state today.

  5. I will ask the CLIENT to FIRST IDENTIFY THE WHY’S of an UNHAPPY & DISSATISFYING INTIMACY …Before she makes the CHOICE to stay or MOVE Or CHOOSE AN OPEN MARRIAGE … Sometimes seeing from the perspective of a Relationship Counsellor who is Non-judgemental and Open to see both the side of the partner’s issue can help them to REBOND in the MARRIAGE or MAKE A DIFFERENT MOVE…

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