My husband lied to me. How do I trust him again?

My husband lies about everything and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes it is about things that don’t even matter. Why does my husband keep lying to me? He lies about things from how many beers he has had on a night out with his friends to incidents that happen at work. I think he thinks I will get angry if he tells me the truth but the solution for that can’t simply be to lie, right? Please tell me how to cope with a lying husband because there has been a major loss of trust in our marriage. I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he will stop. Can I ever trust my husband again?

Answer

It can get very distressing when your partner lies to you so frequently, and that too, for seemingly no good reason. Understandably, you would eventually have trouble believing anything he says. Such little white lies often leave cracks in the foundation of the relationship. And in my experience working with people with relationship troubles, healing broken trust is one of the most difficult challenges to overcome.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when it comes to your concern:

• An open and honest conversation: I am aware you have already tried speaking to him about this, however, sometimes healthy communication takes a few chances to be established, especially if even one of the people involved is used to unhealthy patterns of communication. Practice active listening.
• Try to understand the root cause: Persistent lying is often habitual, which means your husband likely picked up the trait as a necessary coping mechanism to avoid unfavorable circumstances at some point in his life. Make sure you approach this issue with curiosity, not judgment.
• Set boundaries and consequences: You will have to set and maintain firm boundaries around lying and come up with consequences for if/when these boundaries are violated. Boundaries without consequences are simply threats, it is important you follow through with the consequence. This is not an effort to control his behavior, but to control what is within your control already in order to protect your peace.
• Reach out for professional help: You and your husband can both greatly benefit from speaking to a marital therapist or an individual therapist for him and for you. A professional can help you understand the causes and reasoning behind this behavior, establish functional communication channels and rebuild the fragile trust in your relationship.
• Trust your instincts: Perhaps most importantly, listen to your gut instinct. If you honestly feel no good will come out of giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, you are under no obligation to do so. Remember, this relationship is a shared responsibility and it is not your job to change someone for the better.

In closing, your husband may have this habit of lying constantly due to certain reasons of his own, however, it is not fair to you, nor is it your responsibility to get rid of these issues for him. You could do everything right but if he does not commit to bringing about this change, it won’t make a difference. Make sure you are getting plenty of emotional support and continue to look after yourself through this stressful time.

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