“Stop living in the past!” Haven’t you heard this from all the people around you? Well they are not entirely wrong. Living in the past and continuously thinking about your ex can unearth a lot of hidden emotions which can drastically impact your present relationship. If you are troubled with the question – How do you get over past relationship? Then you are definitely at the right place.
Emotional scars from past relationships can ruin your present relationship. Past relationship trauma, like if you had been through emotional or physical abuse, can make you jittery and skeptical in your new relationship.
Letting go of past relationship could be hard or you could be carrying the emotional baggage from past relationships into your present one and killing it even before it blossoms. Rebuilding love after emotional damage is a lot of hard work but you have to know what you are up for.
Purpose coach and British author Jay Shetty says, “Everyone you meet is going to come with their own baggage. You just need to find the person who loves you enough to help you unpack.”
Past Relationships And Their Emotional Baggage
Past relationships leave behind a trail of emotional baggage which is not something each one of you can be mentally prepared to deal with. Emotional baggage is a common part and parcel of a past relationship, especially if the relationship has not ended on a mutual note.
It basically consists of a pattern of behaviours in which you feel remorse; you are enveloped with sadness or you have a lot of negative thoughts and emotions.
Sometimes, even if you are carrying the burden of emotional baggage, you will not be aware of it as it is difficult to realize its presence in your life.
You might be convincing yourself that your past relationship is over and there is nothing stopping you from embracing your future. But the reality may be quite different as you might still be exhibiting behaviours of emotional turmoil.
So how can you get rid of the emotional baggage related to your past relationships?
Confronting your past relationships and problems associated with these and talking to your current partner will help you to reduce the burden of your heart and give you the opportunity to develop a stronger present relationship with your partner.
If you have told everything about your past, there will be no emotional baggage to carry and there will be no insecurity left in your present life associated with your past.
It is important that we learn to recognize our emotional baggage and try to unpack it as soon as possible in order to have a healthy and flourishing present relationship.
Related Reading: Fixing a Toxic Relationship – 21 Ways To Heal TOGETHER
12 Signs Your Past Relationships Are Affecting Your Present Relationship
Have you been trying to move on in your life and trying to forget about your past relationship? Are you unable to figure a way out of the mess of your past life?
If you are still confused, then here are the clear signs that the emotional scars of the past relationship are still present, and these are affecting the way you behave with your current beloved.
Rebuilding love after emotional damage is possible but first you have to pinpoint and accept the issues that stem from your past relationship.
1. Insecurity envelopes your relationship
Insecurity is the reason of all the evils which take place in your life, in general and in your relationship, in particular. If you have gone, through a rough phase in your past life, then it will make you lose trust in people easily. You will carry your past relationship trauma into your new relationship.
But, you must try to trust the partner you are dating otherwise it will only lead to further distrust and eventually a breakup.
2. You become overprotective
While rebuilding love after emotional damage you become too overprotective. It is natural for people who have been betrayed in the past to take their time to be open and free with their current partners.
But the problems in the present relationship start when you try to be overprotective and possessive and invade the personal space of your loved one. This paranoia will be manifested in the form of a need for control and emotional drama in public places and arguments without any reason.
3. Comparing your partner with your past lovers becomes your habit
You always compare your partner with your past lovers in such a way that it becomes disrespectful. You either think too highly of your past lover which makes your partner feel insignificant or you start thinking that your partner will hurt you like your past lover.
Both these situations can hamper the peace of your present relationship. Remember people are different, so never compare one with another. If you can stop the comparison you will be able to let go of the past relationship.
4. You do not disclose things related to your past
For a relationship to be healthy and strong it is important that there is trust and no secrets between the partners. But if you are trying to hide or not telling something important about your past relationships then it may someday ruin your relationship.
The burden of not sharing the memories of your past will be an obstacle to your happy future. Sometimes over sharing can lead to some issues too. But if you are carrying a past relationship trauma then it’s best to let your partner know about it so that they would understand you better.
5. Your commitment will be lacking
Commitment will become an issue for you if you have been in a sour relationship in the past. But remember past is past and you should not let it affect your present.
Be fully committed and dedicated to the person you are with today. If you are facing issues with commitment, then definitely you are getting affected by your past relationship. Just let go and don’t ruin what you have for what you have already lost.
6. You feel depressed
Even in the company of the person you love the most, you still feel depressed and feel that something is missing. This may be because of the feeling of anxiousness that the past debacle has left you with. You must try to get over it. You are still looking for closure. Jay Shetty says, “That’s pointless because your ex lacks clarity to give you closure. So handle your emotions yourself.”
Anxiety is something that gradually eats into your personality and then eventually into your relationship. If you let the emotional scars of a past relationship to add to your anxiety then you are making a huge mistake. Correct it immediately.
Related Reading: What Is New Relationship Anxiety? 8 Signs And 5 Ways To Deal With It
7. You keep on talking about your ex
If people around you are talking about him or her, then it is fine because you cannot control what others have to say. But if you are trying to bring your ex into your conversation, then it is bad. You are harming your relationship more than ever.
As, it is a sign that you are not over him/her and you are still living in your past; this will definitely hurt your current partner. This is something you should immediately stop. And the last thing you should ever do is talk about your ex in your intimate moments.
8. You still stalk your ex
When you keep on stalking your ex on social media and know more about what he/she is doing in their lives, your present partner is bound to get annoyed. This will cause your relationship to crumble because nobody would love to have a partner who is not dedicated to him or her and keeps on thinking about the past lover.
If you are making a go at rebuilding love after emotional damage then you should maintain the no contact rule and block your ex on social media.
9. You keep on reliving the past
You are not in your present and you constantly think about your past trauma and suffering. Some people experience it so vividly as if they are living in the past and they fail to enjoy or appreciate their present relationship.
This is a horrible thing you are doing not only to yourself but also to your current partner. Get over your ex if need be without closure and start things afresh.
10. You tend to build a wall around you
Despite being in another relationship, after a past failed relationship, your personality is different. You do not open up and expect your partner to understand everything without ever sharing anything with him/her. This does not lead to a sustainable relationship.
It is said that you may survive a storm but when you emerge from it you do not know how it has changed you. You might have changed as a person but try to be a better version of yourself. You must not allow the past to affect your personality to such an extent.
Related Reading: 5 Signs The No Contact Rule Is Working
11. Fear of being dumped again
Having been unexpectedly abandoned or dumped by your past lover will develop a fear in you. At the back of your mind, you will always think that this will be repeated and it is difficult to be happy and satisfied in the present relationship with this sort of mindset.
If you are carrying emotional scars from the past relationship then this fear is inevitable. But how you deal with this feeling is entirely your call. If you let it engulf you then you will never be able to form a strong foundation for your new relationship. Let go of the past and move on. Enjoy your present.
12. You are not okay with physical intimacy
When becoming physically intimate with your current partner, it keeps reminding you of your past relationship and you avoid such intimacy through lame excuses; then there is definitely something wrong.
You are scared of getting close to your partner because of your past experiences, which is fair to neither of you. You can look towards building intimacy starting with non-sexual touches.
If you are someone who notices these signs in yourself, then it is advised that you remain positive and work towards making your present relationship a success. To learn and to heal from the perils of the past is what will make you and your relationship stronger.
Should Couples Talk About Past Relationships?
It is alright to have one sitting, talk about the past relationship and close the chapter then and there. It should not start figuring in casual conversations between current partners because it could create complications that you would not be able to handle later.
If you need to tackle the scars of emotional or physical abuse in a past relationship then our advice would be to go to a counsellor and ask for professional help. If you expect your current partner to be your sounding board and counsellor for your past issues then you are putting unnecessary mental stress on them.
Couples can talk about past relationships if there is a need to, otherwise talking about the ex is best avoided.
If you are still not over your ex and you are carrying the emotional baggage of a past relationship then it can affect the new relationship.
How you have been treated by your ex will determine how you would want your present relationship to unfold. If you had a controlling partner then any signs of control in your new relationship could make you fearful and you could even end up over reacting.
Make a conscious effort not to bring up the past. If you walk into a coffee shop that you had been to before with your ex you really don’t immediately need to supply this information to your current partner. Do you?
You should stop immediately. If you can’t, see a counsellor and process your feelings. They would be able to tell you how to put an end to this habit of delving into past mistakes, if you can’t figure it out yourself.