He is perfect. You are in a dream relationship. You may have even met the parents. It’s time to take the relationship to the ‘next level’. You could not have asked for anything more. But (yes, the all-important ‘BUT’!) relationship doubts begin to rear their ugly head causing a huge dent in your fairytale.
Do not worry, you are not alone. Having doubts about a new relationship, especially when the going is perfect, is something that every person in love experiences. It could be in the form of a slight mistrust or it could be worries caused by the red flags you recently noticed that make you question your entire bond with your lover. So, whether you’re having doubts about a new relationship or a past relationship, we’ve got your back.
Is It Normal To Have Doubts In A Relationship?
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You’ve probably heard of imposter syndrome, often known as the imposter phenomenon in psychological studies. This is the point at which successful people believe the notion that their successes aren’t real or valid, and that their true, less-than-stellar abilities will be revealed one day. Did you truly deserve that increase, that honor, or that promotion? Will you and your abilities eventually be exposed as forgeries? 7 out of 10 people experience nagging doubts at some point in their lives.
So yes, suddenly having doubts about a relationship is normal and happens to every couple. Though imposter syndrome has often been portrayed as a personal issue, comparable thoughts can occur in the context of sexual relationships. When your expertise exceeds your confidence, you succumb to the relationship impostor phenomenon — usually because you’re using unrealistic standards, feeling fraudulent, and worried about exposing your connection’s hidden truth.
The relationship imposter phenomenon occurs when you are fearful, have doubts, and there is uncertainty in the relationship despite signs that you are in a happy and healthy dynamic. You wonder if everything appears to be too good to be true, what you’re missing, and you begin to question everything.
You start asking or wondering the following:
- I’m concerned that my relationship will fail in the future
- When others compliment my relationship, it makes me feel uneasy
- I’m sometimes frightened that people will notice how bad my relationship is
- I’m afraid my boyfriend has doubts about our future
- I’m concerned that individuals I care about may realize that my relationship isn’t as good as they believe
- I can’t help but feel like my relationship should be better
- Even when my relationship is going well, I have a hard time believing that it will last
Related Reading: Relationship OCD: Symptoms, Causes & Tips To Deal With OCD
Some imposter sensations stem from unrealistically high expectations that cause you to overlook favorable indications. Things are fine, but they could always be better. We take the good things for granted while clinging to the bad. We are concerned that our partner or others (e.g., friends and family) will notice that our relationship isn’t what it appears to be.
As bad as all of that sounds, here’s the most important thing to remember: those phony feelings are frequently exaggerated. You’re probably worried about things that don’t exist, sowing unfounded doubts, and even pressuring yourself to make decisions (e.g., should we break up?) that you don’t need to make. Before it’s too late, address your feelings of relationship doubts. So let’s first get to know what they are.
What Is Meant By Relationship Doubts?
Relationship doubts or anxiety are those feelings you get when you have spent a considerable amount of time with your partner yet hesitate to trust them completely. When true love strikes, everything is said to fall into place magically but what happens when you begin to doubt your own feelings for someone suddenly?
It could lead to last-minute jitters and negative thoughts, especially before a wedding (think Runaway Bride starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere). Or worse, it can lead to paranoia, fear, and deep-rooted suspicion which may impact the way you conduct your future relationships.
The first thing to understand is that questioning a relationship is mostly a response to sudden changes or unexpected experiences. For example, if you have always been in bad or abusive relationships when you find someone who actually cares for you, you may find it hard to shake off the cynicism!
Sometimes the expectations you may have about your partner do not match the reality. For instance, you may have been impressed with your bae’s career graph only to know that their situation is nothing like they had described. In such situations, doubts are natural and anxiety in a relationship arises.
Related Reading: 25 Most Common Relationship Problems
Relationship Doubts – 21 Questions To Ask Yourself To Clear Your Head
While the tendency to have second and third thoughts about commitment and marriage is extremely common, you should have reasons to worry only if it reaches a level where you’re a toxic couple. So if you have been constantly feeling off in a relationship or just keep questioning your own feelings, indulge in a bit of self-reflection and ask yourself some hard questions.
This might not just get you clarity; it may even save you from becoming the runaway lover. We have rounded up a few typical questions/problems that give rise to suddenly having doubts about relationships. Analyze them and refer to the doubt meter to understand if you have reason to worry or if you are just another doubting Thomas or Tina!
Remember, having doubts about a relationship is normal. A high meter means your doubts about yourself or your beau are legit and action is called for, and a low score means you just need to take a chill pill and take the plunge.
1. Do I get attracted to other people?
Good heavens, of course! We’re all human, and it’s nearly impossible to go through life being attracted to one person exclusively. It could be an attraction to a co-worker, someone you happen to meet at an event or the market, or even an embarrassingly giant celebrity crush that takes over even though you’re an adult.
But attraction is fine. Just because you are in a committed, monogamous relationship does not mean you can switch off your impulses. It does not mean that you are a bad person, or incapable of commitment. Just keep your attraction in your head and do NOT act on them.
In a situation like this, doubts arise in your heart about whether you are with the right person. Keep in mind the history of your relationship before you make any decision.
Doubt meter: 4/10
2. Do I worry when he chats up his ex too often?
Ahem… being friendly with your ex is quite common especially if the breakup hasn’t been too bad. But it will depend on how long the chats are, if he neglects your needs to attend to hers, or if he hides information from you. In this case, you are not just being a worry-head.
Don’t turn into an obsessive stalker, checking your partner’s phone, etc. It’s okay if you’re questioning everything in a relationship, but learn to work it out without losing your mind. The only person you need to talk to is your partner to clear any doubts you are having. Don’t go into stalker mode because you are not only disrespecting yourself but also your partner and the relationship.
Doubt meter: 7/10
3. How good is our sex life? If we have a bad sex life, will it affect our marriage?
Sex depends on many factors including time, mood, lovemaking skills, and so on. Do not judge your partner just by their ability in bed. A relationship is made up of many other factors. Poor sex is a serious problem but not an insurmountable one.
So if you’re having doubts and uncertainty with a focus on sex, don’t worry, there are ways to get around it. A frank conversation, spicing things up with toys or lingerie, or going to counseling are just a few suggestions.
Doubt meter: 5/10
4. I think my partner’s mum does not like me. Should I go ahead with the relationship?
Are you happy with your boo? If yes, that’s all that matters. Of course, if you can’t get along with the family, it is natural to have serious doubts about the marriage and its success. Don’t let those doubts hamper your relationship with your partner if they are supportive. An overprotective or interfering mum should not lead to you having doubts about the relationship.
If you feel you are the wrong person for him just because their family does not get along with you, keep in mind that it is not the family you are in a relationship with. It is your partner and his opinion is the only one that matters.
Doubt meter: 4/10
5. Can I balance my work life and my love life?
Do work challenges leave you struggling to focus on your love life? The answer to this question will reveal if your relationship doubts vis-à-vis your career are valid or not. A supportive, understanding partner can actually help you grow, so discuss your ambitions with your lover before committing to a relationship.
Your career is important, and so is your relationship. If you’re having doubts about your relationship and work life, talk to your partner and take a long hard look at your priorities.
Doubt meter: 6/10
6. Can I work toward making an imperfect relationship work?
No relationship is perfect! Life isn’t perfect. Perfection and happily-ever-afters are found only in movies. Life is all about a bit of adjustment, compromises, give-and-take deals, and making realistic goals. Yet when we find a partner who complements us in the best ways, it’s best to fight for your relationship than doubt it.
Doubt meter: 3/10
7. Can I ignore my partner flirting with others?
Agreed, this can get a bit uncomfortable and may lead to serious relationship doubts. If your partners’ flirting makes you queasy, your doubts about their behavior are very understandable. But communication is the key and it’s best to talk it out with them than have to doubt their loyalty constantly. It will help you get on the same page.
Do remember, though, that there’s healthy flirting, and then there’s flirting that’s messing with your head. Flirting that’s causing recurring relationship doubts and anxiety is not worth it.
Doubt meter: 7/10
8. I have a habit of overthinking. Will it affect my relationship?
Yes. Most relationship doubts are often the result of thinking too much and not talking enough. Establish the channels of open, candid communication early on in your relationship. Doubts or suspicions can creep in at any time but at least you can get clarity if you have the freedom to communicate.
Overthinking in relationships can lead to having doubts about issues that might not even exist. So, lay down your thinking load, try and relax, and if things get too intense, consider counseling. Remind yourself that you are in a happy and healthy relationship and that you have an amazing partner.
Related Reading: 14 Signs Of A Tumultuous Relationship And 5 Tips To Fix It
Doubt meter: 2/10
9. I have been betrayed before. This makes me doubt my boyfriend for no reason
It can be rather difficult to get over insecurities after a cheating episode and the doubts can even spill over to a new relationship. But if you want a healthy relationship, you will need to work on your fears. Your new partner is a new person, give him that respect. It’s normal to be having doubts about a new relationship, but if you keep pushing past emotional baggage into your new relationship, you’ll never get to move on.
Don’t let the negative thoughts about a past relationship ruin your present relationship, especially when you are with someone who is loving and caring.
Doubt meter: 5/10
10. Do my partner and I share the same goals?
A couple should share the larger goals in a relationship. Otherwise, it becomes difficult to travel together through the ups and downs of life. You may have differences of opinion but if your core values are very different, then the success of that relationship is difficult.
Your individual life goals are important, never forget that. Having doubts about relationships and whether or not you share common goals could be an issue, but again, it’s nothing that clear communication can’t resolve.
Doubt meter: 7/10
11. Can you support your partner through thick and thin?
Love does not only mean sharing the joys and the laughs. It also means sharing the burdens and the responsibilities. Ask yourself if you are willing to see your partner through the tough times and vice versa. For a strong relationship, it is essential to stand by each other during the good and bad.
Doubt meter: 5/10
12. Do my partner and I have the same spending habits?
Love may be blind but marriage can open your eyes to reality. One of the biggest relationship doubts that can cause many a strong relationship to fail is a differing attitude to finances. If you have doubts about your partner’s spending habits or if you and your partner share very different attitudes toward savings, loans, etc, it can spell trouble.
If you’re suddenly having doubts about the relationship over financial stress, take it as a sign you need to have a conversation and maybe also plan your finances jointly.
Related Reading: 8 Habits Of Couples In Strong And Healthy Relationships
Doubt meter: 7/10
13. Does my partner accept me the way I am?
No two persons are similar but the question is, how different are you from your partner? And are the differences acceptable to each of you? Accepting one another, despite the differences, is the key to navigating the ups and downs that every relationship inevitably faces. It is hard to live with someone who expects you to change. Constantly wondering if they like you is a form of anxious attachment style and can lead you to destroy your own relationship.
Opposites can and do attract, but if a couple doesn’t adjust to each other’s quirks and eccentricities, it can lead to strong doubts and relationship anxiety.
Doubt meter: 7/10
14. Are you still attracted to each other?
In long-term relationships, couples get used to each other. The love and affection may remain but the attraction can vanish which leads to the possibility of affairs. How long will your relationship last will depend a lot on how much the two of you invest in keeping the spark alive.
Rather than overthinking this and worrying over the lack of attraction, channel your energy into rekindling the spark.
Doubt meter: 6/10
15. Do your boyfriend’s female friends make you uncomfortable?
Be aware of how you feel when your boyfriend is surrounded by other women. Guys do have close female friends. How comfortable are you with that? If you constantly find yourself having doubting feelings for your boyfriend when he is in the company of women, then you need to take a hard look at your relationship and gauge whether it’s worth going ahead with all the fears swimming in your head.
Doubt meter: 6/10
16. How do you argue?
Arguments are a part and parcel of every relationship. In this case, you and your partner should aim to have different styles of arguing. If both of you believe in screaming matches, the relationship is doomed. It’s best if one person can remain cool while the other is letting off steam. Know each other’s arguing styles so that you know what to expect when you disagree.
Related Reading: 11 Relationship Arguments That Spell Doom For Your Bond
Doubt meter: 7/10
17. What is the deal breaker for you?
This is one of the most important questions to ask yourself to get clarity. Every relationship has boundaries that you set for yourself and for your partner which, if either of you crosses, sounds like the death knell for your bond. What is that moment – infidelity, lying, financial troubles? These points often create huge doubts in a relationship.
Deal breakers are healthy for relationships, and so are having relationship doubts. Doubts mean you’re questioning your relationship and whether it’s growing within the boundaries you’ve set. Don’t forget that.
Doubt meter: 8/10
18. What feelings does your partner evoke within you?
When you are in love with someone, it should be a source of strength. Thinking about the person should evoke positive emotions like joy, happiness, comfort, and so on. If you are feeling uncertain and if the thought of your partner brings anything negative like fear, anxiety, or anger, then it’s time to take a step back. Organic feelings cannot and should not be ignored.
Doubt meter: 8/10
19. Do you bring equal things to the table?
One of the most legitimate relationship doubts that one harbors is who brings what to the relationship. No marriage or partnership should be one-sided. This does not mean you go for a transactional relationship where everything is cut and dry but there has to be a reciprocal gesture. A one-sided relationship leaves you feeling shortchanged, thus giving rise to doubts.
Related Reading: What Is New Relationship Anxiety? 8 Signs And 5 Ways To Deal With It
Doubt meter: 7/10
20. Do you share similar values?
Your interests, hobbies, and passions can be diametrically opposed to one another but do you share the core family values? Be it political or spiritual or religious, there has to be a connection binding you two otherwise the relationship will not have a very bright future. Get an answer to this question before you take the next step.
Doubt meter: 8/10
21. Do you share the same love language?
How often do you say “I love you” to each other? You may have different ways of expressing love but do you understand each other? Before you share the same love language, it is important to have one. A healthy relationship is one where you share the same relationship goals even if the paths you take to reach them are different.
If you’re having doubts about a relationship, reassess your love languages and see what the gaps are. Your love language might not be the same, but ensure you’re aware of how you each communicate intimacy.
Doubt meter: 8/10
Key Pointers
- Being in a long-term relationship does not mean that you can’t have doubts
- Couples often grow apart even when they have been together for a while due to changing personalities
- Knowing the difference between overthinking and actual detachment is important
- Try to resolve things with your partner before you jump to any conclusion
Sometimes having relationship doubts is not a bad thing. It makes you wary of the red flags and does not allow you to take your relationship for granted. You then may be tempted to take steps to strengthen it. But only through self-awareness can you realize if those doubts are just the workings of a hyper-imaginative mind or if there is any basis to them. The answers, as always, lie within you.
This article was updated in November 2022
FAQs
Facing doubts in a relationship is extremely normal. You can’t have a long-term relationship without fights, arguments, and differences of opinion which may give rise to doubts.
Anxiety is one of the major causes of recurring relationship doubts. When you do not have faith in yourself or your partner, it gives rise to anxiety about its success so, naturally, it leads to more doubts.
First, understand and list why you are questioning everything in a relationship. Ask yourself the tough questions and see how valid your fears are. In an open, candid relationship you should have the freedom to discuss even your innermost doubts. And if you don’t have that freedom, it’s time to question the relationship.
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