My Boyfriend Talks To His Ex Behind My Back, What Should I Do?

“My boyfriend talks to his ex behind my back”—this realization is bound to leave you feeling insecure and worried. No matter how hard you try to be cool about it or tell yourself that being friends with an ex is no big deal, an alarm bell goes off automatically the moment you find out your boyfriend has been talking to or texting his ex-girlfriend behind your back. The fact that he has been hiding his interactions with his ex from you or doing it on the down low is bound to bring up a nagging feeling that makes you uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Before you know it, your mind is replaying all the stories you hear about cheating boyfriends. It can be harrowing, we get it. And that’s why we are here to help you through it. Before you assume the worst, lose your cool, and dump him right away, take a breather. We know you have a whole lot of questions in your mind. Why does my boyfriend still talk to his ex every day? My boyfriend still loves his ex but loves me too; what does it mean for the future of our relationship? Why does he talk to her behind my back? Is it a red flag if he still talks to his ex? We’re here to address them all.

Why Does My Boyfriend Talk To His Ex Behind My Back?

There could be a million possible reasons why your boyfriend is talking to his ex. But we do understand it’s really very unnerving and harrowing to discover he still talks to his ex every day behind your back. All this while, perhaps, you’ve been wondering, “Why is my boyfriend so secretive with his phone?” Then, you find out the reason—he’s still in touch with his ex and doesn’t want you to find out. 

This can bring up all kinds of thoughts, mostly worst-case scenarios, as you probably can’t stop wondering what in the world these two are discussing. But all this catastrophizing going on in your mind could be making the situation seem worse than it is, and you may not actually have too much to worry about. What does it mean if your boyfriend still talks to his ex? Let’s look into the reasons why he is keeping in touch with someone he has broken up with.

• He could still be good friends with her
• He may be enjoying harmless flirting and some attention on the side, without it meaning much to him
• He has kept the past in the past and genuinely maintained contact because he enjoys her company. There might be nothing going on with her
• He might love her but is not in love with her
• He may still be in love with her or his feelings for her may have resurfaced. However, this does not necessarily mean he will leave you to be with her
• He could be looking for closure
• He may be hiding the fact that he is in contact with her to save you any unnecessary insecurities. His intentions might be right all along

Abigail Wilkey, a reader from Ohio told us, “My boyfriend still helps his ex-girlfriend in ways that friends look out for each other. They are good acquaintances who can depend on each other. I know there’s nothing romantic there so I don’t make a huge deal about it. After a long conversation with him, I’ve been able to understand their dynamic much better and say goodbye to all my insecurities.”

Now, not everyone’s situation can be as cut and dry as Abigail’s, but it can be helpful to adopt a more mature approach instead of getting into total panic. Not everyone can be completely accepting of their boyfriend’s dynamic with his ex. If their interactions make you feel insecure, angry, or anxious, know that it’s completely normal. But at the same time, you need to remind yourself that an ex’s presence in your boyfriend’s life doesn’t necessarily spell doom for your relationship. Is it a red flag if he still talks to his ex? Not always. 

In some cases, it is perhaps okay to be friends with an ex or enjoy a casual conversation with them every now and then. To be able to discern whether that’s the case with your boyfriend and his ex, you need to understand the dynamics of their past and present. 

Related Reading My Boyfriend Has Not Deleted His Ex-Girlfriend’s Phone Number And I Am Feeling Insecure

How was his relationship with his ex?

This is an incredibly important question to answer, so do not take it lightly. Before you start questioning his loyalty to you, look at the way things ended between your boyfriend and his ex. A little history of his past relationships will go a long way in understanding his dynamic with her. Try to take a deep dive into who he is as a person and what his relationship was like before you came into the picture. We’re not asking you to be nosy, we are just asking you to be thorough. Here are a few things you need to think about.

• Was their relationship a long-term one? Emotional investment in a long-term relationship is far higher than in a short-term one. If they were together for a very long time, they must have been pretty close to one another. Sometimes, that kind of connection is hard to let go of. It’s not necessarily a cause for concern, just something you should be aware of
• Did they have a relationship everyone knew about? If families were involved, know that their relationship ran incredibly deep
• Did they have a lot of heat between the sheets that sort of fizzled out? The answer to this question can give you the information you didn’t realize you needed
• How did they break up? Was it long-drawn or quick? Also ask, was there enough closure or not? A lack of closure is perhaps a big reason why they might still be in touch
• Why did they break up? Was it some kind of incompatibility, a lack of love, a heated argument, or different life goals? Ask him this.
• Who broke up with whom? Maybe it was her that broke up with him and that’s why your boyfriend still feels the need to talk to her
• What are they talking about? You are not invading your boyfriend’s privacy by asking this question. It is absolutely natural for you to wonder about what he talks about with his ex and you have every right to know the answer

8 Things You Need To Do If Your Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex

The “my boyfriend talks to his ex behind my back” realization is hard to stomach anyway. If your boyfriend talks to his ex every day of every week, it can send your fears and insecurities spiraling out of control. Just the thought of it can drive you crazy. But before you jump to conclusions and call it quits, consider sitting down and dealing with the situation.

Sophia, a communications professional, told us, “I realized he still loves his ex but loves me as well and I was at a loss about how to deal with the situation. It took me a long time to figure out that my boyfriend is texting his ex and lying to me about it too. But once I did, I realized that he hadn’t completely moved on and that I needed to leave him. I should’ve known this when I realized that my boyfriend talks about his ex far too much. I was not going to continue being in a rebound relationship.”

If you’re feeling a little lost like Sophia, then we have some handy tips for you to tackle a situation when your man is constantly in touch with his ex. Yes, it’s not a happy feeling when your boyfriend is texting his ex-girlfriend but here’s what you can do about it.

1. Do a little self-evaluation

Before you get angry and exclaim, “My boyfriend is still talking to his ex and he’s the worst guy alive!”, do a little introspection. We’re not saying that he is not at fault here, but you might have a role in this too. Do you tend to be overly jealous in a relationship? Have any of your other boyfriends called you a jealous girlfriend or something else along those lines? Do you go overboard with dealing with your insecurities sometimes? It’s not that he’s not doing anything wrong. We are just suggesting that it is possible that you have a part to play here.

Before you make up your mind to leave him, it can help to analyze the situation pragmatically. Maybe you’re just overthinking it. Could be that he’s just spoken to her once or twice and you are freaking out because of that. In that case, you should try building trust in your relationship instead of fretting about your boyfriend talking to his ex.

2. Observe patterns of behavior

If your boyfriend’s actions are leaving you confused, and you find yourself thinking, “He tells me he loves me, then why does he feel the need to keep in touch with his ex”, clarity on the nature of their interactions will certainly help. So, start paying attention to the frequency and tone of their interactions. 

Occasional, respectful communication might not be a cause for concern, but excessive or secretive conversations could indicate unresolved emotions. Note if their conversations interfere with your time together or feel emotionally charged. This will help you approach the issue with specific observations rather than assumptions. And if your partner’s interactions with their ex feel hidden or overly frequent, it’s important to address the underlying reasons and figure out the way forward. 

3. Talk to your partner about it

A healthy relationship is one where you can share everything openly with your partner. So if your boyfriend texting his ex or talking to her behind your back is weighing on your mind, you need to talk to him about it. Tell him, “It worries me that you’re still so involved in your ex’s life and I’m not comfortable with it.” Or say something like, “I know this is a touchy topic for you but the constant texting is making me feel uncomfortable. I really need to tell you how I feel about this whole thing. Can you hear me out once?”

Tell him your feelings very clearly as that is an important component of developing respect in a relationship. Tell him you are plagued by the question, “Why does he still talk to his ex?”, and tell him to give you an honest answer to this. It always helps to have a face-to-face conversation. Thinking and worrying about the fact that he still talks to his ex is not going to help. You need to initiate a conversation and make him realize how much this is upsetting you. Try to make him view the whole situation from your point of view, without any accusation whatsoever. Remember, the only issue is that he talks to his ex, so refrain from linking other relationship problems and focus only on this concern. It is possible that when he knows how badly this is affecting you, he might think it’s not worth it and even stop conversing with his ex.

4. See how he responds when you ask him if he still talks to ex

The topic of exes can be a very touchy one. For some, voicing your insecurities can clear things up and lessen your anxiety. But the key is to observe how he responds. An empathetic partner will not dismiss your concern. He will listen to and address those issues. You need to be vulnerable with him but also play with a little more caution.

If he is being dismissive without a second thought, this could be a major relationship red flag that suggests you need to reconsider being in a relationship with him. But if he tries to explain things to you, wants to clarify, and ensures you aren’t feeling insecure then maybe he hasn’t got anything going with his ex. 

5. Talk about your relationship

If a relationship is going through a rough patch, it could be why your boyfriend still talks to his ex. If so, then the ex is not your concern, but your very relationship is. Maybe it’s time you consider focussing on all the relationship problems you have been sweeping under the carpet all this time and have those difficult conversations.

He is clearly looking for an emotional connection elsewhere as you two are drifting apart. Today it’s his past flame, tomorrow it could be someone else. Instead of calling him a cheater or thinking, “My boyfriend is texting his ex and lying to me all the time”, think about why you two are drifting apart in the first place and find a way to fix it. 

6. Trust your intuition, not your insecurity

There’s a difference between healthy gut feelings and unfounded jealousy. If something genuinely feels off, it’s worth exploring. However, don’t let past insecurities dictate your perception of the situation. If you’re unsure whether your concerns are valid, consider speaking to a trusted friend or counselor for perspective. This can help you separate intuition from insecurity and approach the situation more clearly.

7. Do not give him an ultimatum

When questions like, “My boyfriend still loves his ex but loves me too; what should I do?” or “He tells me he loves me, then why is he still so attached to his ex?”, weigh on your mind, it can be hard to not react from a place of emotional vulnerability. However, whatever you do, under no circumstances, should you give him an ultimatum about this situation. 

Saying things like, “You will never talk to her again” or “You have to choose–me or her?”, will do more harm than good. To him, it might come across as controlling and he may begin to feel suffocated in the relationship or try to hide more things from you just to keep the peace. Instead, as we mentioned above, try to talk more openly about the whole thing. Use a calm tone, and kinder words and tell him how you feel. That is perhaps the best way of dealing with this dilemma head-on. Your anger will do no good so put it away for the moment.

8. Focus on strengthening your bond

Rather than fixating on his past or his connection to his ex, channel your energy into deepening your own connection. When both partners feel valued and secure, past relationships become less significant. Plan activities that bring you closer, like a weekend getaway or trying a new hobby together. These shared experiences can solidify your bond and shift the focus to your relationship. Building intimacy and trust in your current relationship is the best way to make the past irrelevant. 

Final Thoughts

Even if you find out that your boyfriend still talks to his ex, try to be gentle with him. Don’t jump to conclusions as that will only push him away from you. Just follow our tips and get closer to finding out the truth. And if even after all his explanations, you are absolutely not comfortable with him talking to his ex, it’s okay. You are no saint and many women find this uncomfortable. Convey it to him openly and see how he responds.

The 12 Stages of Relationship Development – Explained

15 Signs He Will Break Your Heart

Should I Wait Or Should I Text Him First? The RULEBOOK Of Texting For Girls

Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.

See Our Editorial Process

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

What is your feedback?

×

Helpful Report an Error Other

Submit