My Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex. What Should I Do?

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“My boyfriend still talks to his ex”, cannot be a good feeling in any sense or way. There is no relationship law that states that you cannot be worried about your boyfriend talking to his ex. In fact, if he still talks to his ex and is in touch with her, you being worried as a girlfriend is not an anomaly, it is rather the norm. You can try your hardest to be the cool girlfriend who doesn’t like to bug him but an alarm bell always goes off automatically the moment you find out your boyfriend has been texting his ex-girlfriend behind your back. Or even if he is doing it openly and is honest about it with you, there will still be a nagging feeling that is going to make you very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Before you know it, your mind is replaying all the stories you hear about cheating boyfriends. It can be harrowing, we get it. And that’s why we are here to help you through it. Before you assume the worst, lose your cool and dump him right away, take a breather. We know you have a whole lot of questions in your mind. Why does my boyfriend still talk to his ex every day? He still loves his ex but does he love me? Why does he talk to her behind my back? We’re here to address them all.

Is It Normal For Your Boyfriend To Talk To His Ex?

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What does it mean if your boyfriend still talks to his ex? Counseling psychologist Deepak Kashyap says, “Your emotions of jealousy and anxiety are valid when your boyfriend is talking to his ex. However, how you act on these may be more in the area of evaluation than the emotion itself. You must develop a habit of communicating with him more honestly about how you feel, and what you think, without making him feel like the sole culprit in the conversation.

“Trust requires one to have faith, in the absence of information. If one has to constantly verify the veracity of the claims made by one’s lover, and one is not able to take one’s lover at face value, it sounds to me like the opposite of trust. I have often heard girls say, “But he still talks to his ex” or “I don’t know why he ever bothers to answer her calls”. This is more common than you think and sometimes there is no reason for you to worry at all.”

So, is it normal for your boyfriend to text his ex? Is it normal for you to think, “My boyfriend talks about his ex often? Is he actually still in love with his ex?” In this era of social connectivity, it is not uncommon for people to stay in touch with their ex. Especially, if they had been friends with their ex prior to the relationship.

How Was His Relationship With His Ex?

This is an incredibly important question to answer, so do not take it lightly. Before you start questioning his loyalty to you, look at the way things ended between your boyfriend and his ex. A little history of his past relationships will go a long way in understanding his dynamic with her. Try to take a deep dive into who he is as a person and what his relationship was like before you came into the picture. We’re not asking you to be nosy, we are just asking you to be thorough. Here are a few things you need to think about.

Was their relationship a long-term one? A long-term relationship is usually far more serious than a short-term one. If they’ve been together a very long time, chances are that they were super close. It’s not necessarily a cause for concern, just something you should be aware of
Did they have a relationship everyone knew about? Even their parents? If families were involved, know that their relationship ran incredibly deep
Did they have a lot of heat between the sheets that sort of fizzled out? The answer to this question can give you the information you didn’t realize you needed

How did they break up? Was it long-drawn or quick? Also ask, was there enough closure or not? A lack of closure is perhaps a big reason why they might still be in touch
Why did they break up? Was it some kind of incompatibility, a lack of love, a heated argument, or different life goals? Ask him this.
Who broke up with whom? Maybe it was her that broke up with him and that’s why your boyfriend still feels the need to talk to her
And because you won’t rest until you find out;

What are they talking about? And you are not a complete monster for asking this question! You are not probing. It is absolutely natural for you to wonder about such a thing and ask a question like this to your boyfriend

‘My boyfriend still talks to his ex every day and I don’t know why’

If your boyfriend has recently started conversing with his ex, it’s probably because they are catching up. But there is a difference between texting people to check up on them occasionally and flirty texting every minute of every day. So there is no harm in being a little more careful. Also if he keeps talking about his ex to you, that can’t be fun for you either.

While the first one is not an alarming one (and if you are alarmed it’s your own insecurities kicking in), the second situation warrants concern. Also if your boyfriend is texting his ex behind your back then you have reason to look into the matter. It’s not a good thing if he still talks to his ex every day. The third situation where he keeps talking about his ex to you, is also a cause for concern since that is something that no girlfriend wants to endure.

It’s easy to think your boyfriend is having an emotional affair, especially if your relationship is going through a rough patch. In your mind, he is keeping his options open in case this relationship does not work. Or he might be seeking mental support from a person he was once involved with. They might not be doing anything “behind your back” and there is no sexual love between them but something just like care; like you care for friends.

There are all kinds of possibilities out there. But the answer to why does he still talk to his ex hasn’t been answered for you yet. Read on, and you’ll definitely find out what it may be.

Related Reading: 20 Things To Do To Make Your Girlfriend Happy

Why Does My Boyfriend Talk To His Ex Behind My Back?

There could be a million possible reasons why your boyfriend is talking to his ex. But we do understand it’s really very unnerving and harrowing if he still talks to his ex every day behind your back. All kinds of thoughts would be going through your mind and you probably can’t stop wondering what in the world these two are discussing. But you may not actually have too much to worry about.

What does it mean if your boyfriend still talks to his ex? We look into the reasons why he is keeping in touch with someone he has broken up with.

He could still be good friends with her
She could be a flirt. He enjoys the harmless flirting on the side

He has kept the past in the past and genuinely maintained contact because he enjoys their company. There might be nothing going on with her
He might love her but is not in love with her
He can still be in love or his love has resurfaced suddenly. Though this does not mean he will leave you behind to be with them. At the end of the day, he has chosen you

He might be hiding the fact that he is in contact with her to save you any unnecessary insecurities. His intentions might be right all along

Abigail Wilkey, a reader from Ohio told us once, “My boyfriend still helps his ex-girlfriend in ways that friends look out for each other. They are good acquaintances who can depend on each other. I know there’s nothing romantic there so I don’t make a huge deal about it. After a long conversation with him, I’ve been able to understand their dynamic much better and say goodbye to all my insecurities.”

Now, you don’t have to be any Abigail, but it can be helpful to adopt a more mature approach instead of getting into a total panic. Getting to that level where you are absolutely okay with your boyfriend’s dynamic with his ex probably only happens in an ideal world because, in reality, it will mostly just make you angry. But know that in some cases it is perhaps okay to be friends with an ex or enjoy a casual conversation with them every now and then. However, you need to first get to the bottom of things. To deal with this situation in the best possible way, here’s what you can do.

Related Reading My Boyfriend Has Not Deleted His Ex-Girlfriend’s Phone Number And I Am Feeling Insecure

8 Things You Need To Do If Your Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex

If your boyfriend still talks to his ex every day of every week you may be worried if they are up to something. Just the thought of it can drive you crazy. But before you jump to conclusions and call it quits, consider sitting down and dealing with the situation.

Sophia, a communications professional, told us, “I realized he still loves his ex but loves me as well and I was at a loss how should I deal with the situation. It took me a long time to figure out that my boyfriend is texting his ex and lying to me about it too. But once I did, I realized that he hadn’t completely moved on and that I needed to leave him. I should’ve known this when I realized that my boyfriend talks about his ex far too much. I was not going to continue being in a rebound relationship.”

If you’re feeling a little lost like Sophia, then we have some handy tips for you to tackle a situation when your man is constantly in touch with his ex. Yes, it’s not a happy feeling when your boyfriend is texting his ex-girlfriend but here’s what you can do about it.

1. Do a little self-evaluation

Before you get angry and exclaim, “My boyfriend is still talking to his ex and he’s the worst guy alive!”, do a little introspection. We’re not saying that he is not at fault here, but you might have a role in this too. Do you have a tendency to be overly jealous in a relationship? Have any of your other boyfriends called you a jealous girlfriend or something else along those lines? Do you go overboard with dealing with your insecurities sometimes? It’s not that he’s definitely not doing anything wrong. We are just suggesting that it is possible that you have a part to play here.

Before you grab your boyfriend by his collar and threaten to leave him, it is safe to analyze the situation pragmatically. Maybe you’re just overthinking it. Could be that he’s just spoken to her once or twice and you are freaking out because of that. In that case, you should try building trust in your relationship instead of fretting about your boyfriend talking to his ex.

2. Talk first

A healthy relationship is one where you can share everything openly with your boyfriend. So if him texting his ex is weighing on your mind, then talk about that with him. Go over to him and say, “I’m worried that you keep texting Daniela and I’m not comfortable with it. I know I have nothing to worry about because you love me but I can’t help but wonder what you guys are talking about.”

Tell him your feelings very clearly as that is an important component of developing respect in a relationship. Tell him you are plagued by the question, “Why does he still talk to his ex?”, and tell him to give you an honest answer to this. It always helps to have a face-to-face conversation about things like this.

3. Explain how you feel when you think ‘my boyfriend still talks to his ex’

Thinking and worrying about if he still talks to his ex is not helpful and is rather disturbing. You need to tell him what’s on your mind and how deeply this whole thing is affecting you. Say something along the lines, “I know this is a touchy topic for you but the constant texting is making me feel uncomfortable. I really need to tell you how I feel about this whole thing. Can you hear me out once?”

Speak with clarity and by using adjectives to explain your feelings. This is a great way to initiate conversation and make him realize how much this is upsetting you. Try to make him view the whole situation from your point of view, without any accusation whatsoever. Remember, the only issue is that he talks to his ex, so refrain from linking other relationship problems and focus only on this concern. It is possible that when he knows how badly this is affecting you, he might think it’s not worth it and even stop conversing with his ex.

Related Reading: I Feel My Insecurity Could Ruin My Relationship with My Boyfriend

4. See how he responds when you ask him if he still talks to ex

The topic of exes can be a very touchy one. For some, voicing your insecurities can clear things up and lessen your anxiety. But the key is to observe how he responds. An empathetic partner will not dismiss your concern. He will listen to and address those issues. You need to be vulnerable with him, but also play with a little more caution.

If he is being dismissive without a second thought, this could be a major relationship red flag and this is likely to create a tense situation in your relationship. But if he tries to explain things to you, wants to clarify, and ensures you aren’t feeling insecure then maybe he hasn’t got anything going with his ex. His entire reaction can tell you whether you should feel secure in this relationship or not. So don’t get carried away and pay attention to his overall behavior.

5. Talk about your relationship

If a relationship is going through a rough patch you might think your boyfriend is getting the fill from somewhere else. Is your rickety relationship the reason your boyfriend still talks to his ex? If so, then the ex is not your concern, but your very relationship is. Maybe it’s time you consider focussing on all the relationship problems you have been sweeping under the carpet all this time. Yes, it’s finally time to have those difficult conversations.

He is clearly looking for an emotional connection elsewhere as you two are drifting apart. Today it’s his past flame, tomorrow it could be someone else from his workplace. Instead of calling him a cheater or thinking, “My boyfriend is texting his ex and lying to me all the time”, think about why you two are drifting apart in the first place. Focus on your relationship and see what it lacks. And try to have the courage of bringing it up with him.

boyfriend talks to ex — Talk about your relationship

6. Know if he is keeping any mementos

Is he saving selfies sent by her from a long time ago? Does he take super good care of the hand-made card she had given him on his last birthday? I once found a passport-size photo of my boyfriend’s ex in his wallet. It was the worst feeling in the world — knowing that guy I’m talking to still talks to his ex. That’s when my own, “My boyfriend is still talking to his ex” feelings became very real for me.

I almost dumped him that instant but after a long conversation, turns out he has kept photos of all significant girlfriends in his life. And he honestly didn’t remember that picture even being there in his card slot. So there was nothing to be alarmed about. It was suspicious and I did not immediately believe him at first, but with time, I understood. So do understand the situation a little better before just letting him get away with it because I did. If he is saving every little trinket given to him by his ex-girlfriend, keeping her things around and happily looking at them sometimes, it could be a definite warning sign.

Related Reading: 15 Simple Signs Your Ex-Boyfriend Wants You Back

7. Follow up on social media

Yes, I am suggesting a little ethical snooping here. We all do it so get off your moral high horse and admit it like the rest of us. And before you roll your eyes, let me tell you, it can save you some precious hours biting your own nails off. Social media is a cornucopia of clues. See if he has liked, commented, and shared her stories – basically an overindulgence in social media.

Is there anything suspicious in the way they reply to each other’s comments? Is it really the way they talk to each other? Pick up on the cues: ask him about it. If he is stalking his ex on social media, then chances are he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend and that’s not a good thing.

8. Do not give him an ultimatum

It is possibly the most disastrous thing you can do and might just label you as a controlling girlfriend for the rest of your life. Under no circumstances, should you give him an ultimatum about this whole thing. Things like, “Never talk to her again” or “Are you sure you want to keep talking to her even when it makes me uncomfortable?” will do more harm than good to your relationship overall. To him, it might come across as demanding and you are telling him the people he can talk to and to whom he cannot. You are his girlfriend, not the mother of a 14-year-old teenager.

Instead, as we mentioned above, try to talk more openly about the whole thing. Use a calm tone, and kinder words and tell him how you feel. That is perhaps the best way of dealing with this dilemma head-on. Your anger will do no good so put it away for the moment.

Even if you find out that your boyfriend still talks to his ex, try to be gentle with him. Don’t jump to conclusions as that will only push him away from you. Just follow our tips and get closer to finding out the truth. And if even after all his explanations, you are absolutely not comfortable with him talking to his ex, it’s okay. You are no saint and many women find this uncomfortable. Convey it to him openly and see how he responds.

FAQs

1. Is it OK for a boyfriend to talk to his ex?

It’s okay for a boyfriend to talk to his ex as long as he is doing it once in a while and you are not getting jealous and insecure about it. If he is talking to her behind your back and texting his ex-girlfriend frequently, then it is a reason for worry and you need to address it. It all depends on the situation and more importantly, how transparent he is about it with you.

2. How do you know if he still loves his ex?

It’s hard to know if he still loves his ex. There are many signs but they are not always easy to spot. But he might end up mentioning her once in a while in conversations. If he keeps talking about his ex with you, it is totally possible that he still has feelings for her. If he is staying in touch with his ex-girlfriend over text and calls a little too much, then chances are he is still in love with her.

3. What does it indicate if my BF keeps bringing his ex in conversations?

This indicates your boyfriend is not over his ex and she is constantly on his mind. That is why he keeps talking about her and can’t help doing so even when he is with you. It is possible that doesn’t do it consciously, but it doesn’t make him any less complicit.

4. What can I do if my BF is still not over his ex?

You can have a straight talk with your boyfriend about how you feel. Then look inwards at your own relationship and why he is still feeling attached to his ex despite being with you. But if he is still in love with his ex it’s best to move on because this way a relationship can’t work out.