Relationships 101

12 rules to follow when dating your friend’s ex

The complicated equation - simplified.
cute couple

You can fall in love at any time, at any place and with anyone. But what if that ‘anyone’ is your friend’s ex? Would you foster your feelings for your friend’s ex? Or would you suppress those feelings and avoid making your love life complicated, uncomfortable and weird? Read on to resolve this dilemma.

Things to consider before you start dating your friend’s ex

  • The friendship: This is perhaps the most important thing that you must consider. If the friend is a close friend who is like family and whom you cannot lose, then you must tread very carefully and take a decision accordingly. However, if the friend is just an acquaintance, then you can think about dating his/her ex
  • The feelings of your friend: You can start dating your friend’s ex only when you know for sure that your friend has moved on and is probably happy in a new relationship or being single again. If your friend’s feelings are sorted, then you can proceed without any difficulty
  • The kind of relationship your friend and his/her ex-shared: Your decision of dating a friend’s ex-girlfriend or boyfriend will surely depend on this. If they both shared a short-term fling, then you can get involved with the ex. But if, on the other hand, they shared a very serious and long-term relationship, then we advise you against the idea
  • The kind of relationship you shared with the ex when he/she was in a relationship with your friend: Your friend might think you had an ulterior motive and might not trust you ever again if you were the support system and the mutual friend on whom your friend and his/her ex depended, especially for relationship advice. In such a scenario, perhaps it is best that you avoid starting a relationship with the ex

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Overall, your decision to date or not to date your friend’s ex will depend on the circumstances you are facing at that time. However, you must ask yourself this question, is the relationship really worth the risk of losing a friendship? Think about it.

12 rules to follow when dating your friend’s ex

In case you are able to hit it off well with your friend’s ex, think he/she is the one for you and have the courage to start a relationship with him/her, then you must follow certain rules on dating your friend’s ex to maintain the essential balance between the friendship and the romantic relationship.

1. Be sure about your feelings

Do you really believe that your friend’s ex is your true love? Or are you just simply attracted to him/her because he/she is your friend’s ex? You have to be honest and answer these questions yourself to know where you stand. Only when you are sure about your feelings, can you do justice to both the friendship and the relationship.

2. Proceed in the relationship gradually

There is no need to rush into the relationship with your friend’s ex. You must learn to proceed slowly, even if the prospect of the perfect relationship with the ex seems tempting to you. Avoid getting carried away and allow the relationship to evolve naturally.

3. Have a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend

It is very essential that your friend and you understand each other well, especially when you are dating your friend’s ex. So have a deep and meaningful conversation with your friend to let him/her know about your feelings and give him/her enough space to digest the fact.

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4. Prepare yourself for the worst

The worst in this kind of situation would be losing your good friend. So you have to be prepared for this, because your friend might not at all be okay with the idea of you dating his/her ex. You have to be brave enough to deal with the risks associated with dating your friend’s ex.

5. Do not force your friend and the ex to meet

The smart move on your part would be to not force your friend and the ex (your current partner) to meet, because it is just going to make things weird between the three of you. Even if your friend and the ex decide not to meet ever again, you have to be okay with that as well. Respect the boundaries your friend and the ex set for each other.

6. Avoid gossiping at all cost

You might want to share details of your happening love life with your friend, but then you must avoid it at all costs, because obviously your friend does not want to hear about the amazing time you are having with his/her ex. Gossiping about your relationship with your friend is just downright selfish and might hurt the sentiments of your friend, even if he/she seems fine.

7. Do not encourage comparisons

If you find the ex comparing you with your friend, then probably you must discourage such behaviour. Remind the ex that comparisons with your friend are not going to lead to a healthy relationship. Your friend and you are different and unique personalities. Thus, comparison between the two of you must be avoided.

8. Avoid digging up the past

While getting involved with your friend’s ex, you are well aware of the fact that your friend and the ex have shared intimate moments with each other and even shared a common past. Thus, you must avoid digging up that past. Remember their past relationship and your current relationship is separate, so pressuring your friend or the ex to share details about their past relationship is just going to make things awkward.

9. Do not bitch

You must not get into the habit of talking bad about your friend in front of the ex (your current partner) and vice versa. In addition, if you notice that the ex is trying to demean your friend, then you must discourage him/her.

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10. Stay away from feelings of paranoia

In case your friend and the ex try to become friends with each other, you must understand that and not become paranoid. Trust your partner (the ex) that he/she truly loves you and is not waiting to go back to your friend. Plus, also trust your friend that he/she is not plotting against your love life, but is genuinely happy for you.

11. Do not indulge in PDA

You must be cautious and not indulge in PDA, especially if you are hanging out with your friend and the ex at the same time. Your friend might think that by showing your affection to the ex you are just trying to show off and make him/her upset or jealous.

12. Maintain the balance effectively

As the person who is the main link between the friend and the ex, it is your responsibility to ensure that you maintain the balance between the relationship you share with the ex and the friendship you share with the friend. None should take priority over the other and each should be given equal respect and importance in your life.

Is it right to date my friend’s ex?

This question cannot have a simple and straightforward answer. Generally, a majority of the people will advise you against the idea of dating your friend’s ex, because it seems disrespectful, selfish and completely wrong. You would not want to hurt your friend by getting involved with his/her ex, especially if you know that your friend has gone through a tough breakup or is still not over the ex.

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However, it does not mean that you can never think about dating a friend’s ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. It is no doubt a bad idea, but you should never give up the opportunity of finding your true love, even if he/she has been your friend’s ex. Consider your friend’s feelings first and then proceed with your relationship with your friend’s ex. Remember, by hurting your friend or damaging your friendship, you cannot expect to build a happy life with your friend’s ex.

In conclusion, we would like to say that you must first avoid getting trapped in such a situation where you start a relationship with your friend’s ex. But in case you do get stuck, then follow these rules in order to create a strong and stable relationship as well as friendship.

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