Guess the three-lettered word universally voted as man’s personal gateway to heaven? You’re right. It’s S.E.X. From foreplay favourite positions to picking up favourite condoms, we have planned about this biggest moment of our lives more times than we’ll admit. But can reality be a mirror to our fantasy? Well, sometimes, but not always.
If you think that sex is always what you witnessed Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sharing on screen, then you’re up for some bad news. Sex is liberating and surreal when experienced. However, it can also be awkward and messy. And you need to be prepared for that.
Let us take a quick look at the mortifying things that happen during sex (and brace ourselves!).
12 embarrassing things that can go wrong during sex
There is always the good sex and the bad sex. Good sex is full of pleasant moans, well-timed thrusts and perfect execution of sex positions. Bad sex is full of untimely rips, jolting screams and a bloody mess. It is always advised to be prepared for the fiascos that happen during sex. It isn’t something unnatural. So, it is always healthier if you and your partner have a talk about it. You can even laugh it out. In this way, you will be at ease and not grossed out if things go south.
Here are 12 disasters you might expect on your bed:
1. A fart
Fart is horrifying because of its unexpectedness. Fart is something that is considered embarrassing ever since we learnt to spell it. No one ever admits to farting. So who’ll admit when it happens inside the close sheets? Or worse, how do you even look into each other’s eyes (when you’re struggling to breathe)?
There’s also a subcategory called queefing which leads to the release of little vaginal farts.
You can only pray that no one farts during oral sex.
2. Hitting the floor
You’re in the moment and going hard on each other. You’re no longer in control. You don’t know if you can stop – until you both fall off the bed, and wham! It’s okay. Shit happens. You didn’t see that coming. But try not to get too awkward about it. The same way we gather ourselves and laugh when we fall in public, do it. Or best – start making out on the floor!
3. There’s blood
Everyone is rattled by the sight of blood. But vaginal bleeding isn’t uncommon, especially for the first time. But there is also a chance that your periods pay you an early visit. It all depends how you take up the action. You can clean up, apply some lubricant and continue. Or you have to let it go and continue the next day.
4. Where’s my big O?
You’ve tried foreplay, masturbation, and all the positions. No orgasm. It’s as if your body is enjoying the desert mode. Well, there’s nothing you can do. Just think it as one of your bad days and keep the sex going.
Related reading: 5 ways to achieve the big O
5. Your partner says the forbidden name
You’re in the climax of your sex. And then your partner subconsciously slips out the name of his/her ex. Suddenly, the best time of your life turns out to be the worst. Good luck after that.
6. Snap! Was that the condom?
The snapping of a condom is yet another common mishap. But it can be scary because it makes you vulnerable to STDs.
There was this chick flick I was watching where the girl was too eager to have her first-time sex. It turns out to be a nightmare. The next day she has to let the doctor get the lost condom out of her vagina. I laughed out loud then. Uh, suddenly it doesn’t seem so funny, right?
7. Body odour
Sex is as much about hygiene as about pleasure. Unpleasant smells are a major turn off during sex (think about oral sex?). You’re already sweating; on top of that, there is too much wetness down there. You end up cursing yourself. You ought to have taken that shower before sex!
8. Stuck while stripping
You’re locked in a heated kiss. Lips still locked, you undress each other. Everything sides down smoothly – Oh no! Her skinny jeans won’t come off! Now you both are struggling to free her legs frantically. By the time you’re both naked, your moment has already jumped out of the window.
Yes, as bizarre as it may sound, people end up crying during sex. It can be for a number of reasons – it can either be the cry of ecstasy or the cry of pain. People also cry because of all the pent-up emotions like stress, anger, guilt, frustration etc. Crying can make your partner a bit awkward. So, it’s better to give some explanation and proceed if you wish.
Related reading: 6 reasons why guys are obsessed with going down on you
10. Peeing, or a small leak
Pee, like a fart, is normal. Sex is a relaxing activity. So, when the muscles relax, a little pee creeps out. But no one likes a smelly bed or body. It’s advised to finish all your biological needs before sex.
11. Falling asleep
There are times when you’re faced with a difficult choice – sex or sleep. Though tired, your hormones win the toss. And you don’t have the heart to say a ‘no’ to your partner. But then sleep overrides sex. Trust me, you never want to make this mistake. A ‘no’ is always less humiliating than dozing during sex.
12. Caught in the act
Sometimes, the universe can’t tolerate you having a good time. So it sends you – pets that jump into your bed; kids that demand your attention; neighbours who keep knocking on the door; and parents, who have the devil’s sense of time to catch you at it. It kills the sex. Period.
So, these are the 12 potential bedroom disasters you need to be prepared for. Though it might not be pleasant knowing about them, it can surely keep you at ease if and when they do happen. Instead of panicking or getting awkward, you now know how to deal with these embarrassing situations. After all, forewarned is forearmed, right?
And hey, there’s no reason you shouldn’t look forward to that sex. It’s still a process of exploring, experiencing and learning about the mysteries of each other’s bodies and the pleasures of the universe. Facing awkward things during sex can also be a boon. It solidifies your physical and emotional intimacy. Who knows, you can end up laughing and loving each other more a bit more after facing such fiascos?