Over-thinking ruins relationships

Team Bonobology

Overthinking focusses on the negative more than the positive

Thinking through a lot is great when you are charting out a journey plan. Or focussing on how to get a job done. These matters need thinking through all the loopholes and detour routes. The same cannot be said for relationships though.

Overthinking rarely focuses on the good – if you are overthinking about your relationship, all your possible scenarios end in your partner deserting you, cheating on you or planning to kill you in your sleep. The outcome of overthinking takes into account all the possible routes, albeit a little improbable, and though you might think you are being rational and stuff, you are only losing a piece and peace of your mind.

Imagine some random name pops up in the screen of your partner and with time you relate to the most horrific things your partner might be, in association with just a name on the screen. Being insecure and not communicating might bring in a lot of unnecessary, secret-agent-national-enigma-code-cracking kind of mental thinking. But more often than not, overthinking also happens when you have had past experiences where you did not pay enough attention.

Maybe you have been cheated on and it was only later that you realised all the signs were right in front of your eyes. So in your relationships after that, you have lost the ability to take words at their face value. It is to your belief that if a guy says you are cute, he is only doing it to make you feel better. Or if your partner checks out someone, you might think you are not attractive anymore. As for someone who has had her share of overthinking a lot, no possible explanation given to me by my partner could bring my mind to peace. There was always another Plan B, Explanation C in my mind to replace a possibly plausible explanation.

Remind yourself that overthinking is all in the head but when a person is constantly assuming the worst, there are psychological responses, which might end up derailing the quality of the relationship. No reason is good enough for overthinkers, and even though they know it, they cannot stop it.

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Ways in which it messes you up

1. You assume the absolute worst in everything and everyone

Not a good thing ever. Since pessimism is your best pal right now, good things rarely get your attention. So your partner, whom you have known for some time now, suddenly becomes a probable cheater and a liar in your head. Even if they do their absolute best and leave no place for you to doubt, you cannot help but constantly assume the worst.

2. Lose yourself in the process

With all the overthinking, you are rarely the same person anymore. You might confront your partner about stuff, have emotional outbursts about things you think is going on. After a few months, you have become a perpetual worried, sad person who picks up fight about little things. The person you have become worries you as well but you are unable to quit being that.

Sad lady seeing outside the window

3. Everything is at the extreme of the spectrum

Nothing has a middle ground. No normal explanation works for you. They have to be on the extreme ends of the reason spectrum.

4. Because you are paranoid

The lack of trust coupled with overthinking makes you grow paranoid that someone is barging into your relationship. Obsessive compulsive behaviour of knowing where your partner is every minute of the day is you being paranoid.

5. No solutions, more complications

Since no logical reasoning is good enough, because you will always find a way around it, you come up with bizarre explanations to explain the reason given. You don’t have any solution to your problems; just a huge pile of more unreasonable problems.

6. Trust is gone from the relationship

In the process of thinking stuff and being a pessimist, trust is completely gone from the relationship. Paranoia might lead to confrontations which might create more gap in communication.

Overthinking mostly crops up when trust is missing in a relationship. If you have reason to believe your partner is not to be trusted, losing your peace of mind won’t help anyone. Communication is a key to a healthy relationship. One might try to communicate all the thoughts one has in their head, just to vent it out and a loyal partner will understand.

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