11 Amafulegi Abomvu Lapho Ujola Nendoda Eyehlukene | Ungabanaki Lezi

Akulula ukuzithola ukhangwa indoda ehlukene nomkayo kodwa ingadivosi ngokusemthethweni. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kumnandi kangakanani ukuba naye noma ukuthi ukuxhumana kwakho kubonakala kuqine kangakanani, ingxenye yakho ihlale ibheke amafulegi abomvu lapho ujola nendoda ehlukene. Yilokho kanye okwenzeka ku-Julie, umbelethisi kanye no-doula wokuzalwa, owahlangana nendoda ehlukanisiwe ohlelweni lokusebenza lokuthandana futhi waqala ukumbona. 

Muva nje ubhalele i-Bonobology, efuna isiqondiso kuthimba lethu lochwepheshe mayelana nokuthi isinqumo sakhe sokuthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe sasilungile noma cha. "Umlingani wami useneminyaka emithathu ahlukene nomkakhe kodwa ayikasondeli ukuthi idivosi ivele. Sesinezinyanga ezi-4 sithandana futhi cishe amasonto amabili edlule wangicela ukuba ngibe yedwa. Ukhuluma ngokuthi sithathe uhambo lwesonto lonke ndawonye futhi ngezinye izikhathi ukhuluma ngokuthi kungaba njani uma sihlala ndawonye. Kodwa akalokothi akhulume ngesimo sokudivosa kwakhe noma uma isehlukaniso sesiphelile. 

“Nakuba ngijatshuliswa umbono wokuba sebudlelwaneni bokuzibophezela nendoda engangiyithanda, ngikhathazeka ngokuthi ngokomthetho usashadile.” Futhi, ukuvaleka kwakhe isikhathi eside ngesehlukaniso sakhe kungenza ngikhathazeke ngokuthi lobu buhlobo bunekusasa yini. 

Ukwesaba nokukhathazeka okuzungezile ukujola nendoda esehlukanisa kwangithakasela, futhi lapho ngijula ​​endabeni, ngathola ukuthi baningi abesifazane abafana noJulie, ngaphandle, abalwa nenkinga yokuthi bayajola noma cha owesilisa osedivosi. Ngakho-ke, ngicabange ukuthi kufanelekile ukuhlanganisa lo mhlahlandlela onemininingwane wokuqomisana nendoda ehlukanisiwe, ngiphendula imibuzo mayelana nokuthi kuke kulungile yini, amafulegi aluhlaza nabomvu okudingeka uwakhumbule, nezindlela zokuzulazula kulobu budlelwano obuyinkimbinkimbi ngaphandle kokukuvumela ukuthi kuthinte inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo. Uma kumanje usocingweni ngokujola nendoda ehlukene kodwa engadivosile, funda ukuze uthole ukucaciseleka ngokuthi ungayisingatha kanjani lesi simo.  

Ingabe Kulungile Ukujola Nendoda Eyehlukene?

Umbuzo wokuqala ofikayo emqondweni wakho uma uzithola ukhangwa indoda ehlukene kodwa engadivosile ngothi, “Kuyalunga yini ukujola nendoda ehlukene?” Njengoba le OP ivuliwe r/AskWomenOver30 kubuza, “Ngiyaqala ukubona indoda asebehlukana nayo isikhathi esingangonyaka kodwa idivosi imile kubangwa izinto angena nazo emshadweni, unezingane ezimbili mina ngineyodwa, angikaze ngijole nomfana okulesi sikhundla futhi ngisanda kujola selokhu ngathola ingane ngokwami. I am honestly really excited about him because he seems super into me 30 and I'm too 36. Yikuphi ukuhlakanipha okunzima engingakugwema ukufunda kanzima?”

Uyabona-ke, ukujola nendoda ehlukene kumele kuveze izinto ezinjena ngoba yimpunga uma kuziwa ebudlelwaneni. Indoda othandana nayo noma ocabanga ukujola nayo ayishadile ngokobuchwepheshe futhi ishadile ngokobuchwepheshe ngesikhathi esisodwa. Nakuba inazo zonke izimpawu zokungaba namandla ubudlelwano obunzima, akuwona umqondo omubi ngempela. Ukuthi ukuqomisana nendoda ehlukanisiwe kulungile noma cha, ekugcineni, kuncike kulokho okucacile kwesimo sayo nokuthi yini okhululekile ngayo. Ukunquma ukuthi kuzolunga noma cha ukuthi ulandele lolu xhumano, nazi izici ezimbalwa okudingeka uzicabangele: 

1. Sinjani isimo sakhe?

Ukuthi indoda ejolayo ngenkathi behlukene kuyifulegi elibomvu kuncike ekucaciseni kwesimo sayo. Ngokwesibonelo, uma sekuphele iminyaka behlukene nomkakhe futhi isehlukaniso singakafinyeleli ngenxa ye-red tape noma izinkinga ezithile ezixakayo abakwazanga ukuzikhipha ngokushesha, kungenzeka ube nesikhathi sokucubungula ukuxokozela kwemizwa yakhe. umshado uyabhidlika futhi abe sendaweni lapho angakwazi khona ukupheqa iqabunga elisha. 

Ukuba nokuthula nesikhathi sakhe esidlule, ukungabi nenzondo ngobudlova ku-ex yakhe, noma ukuvaleliswa kuye kuyizimpawu ezithile zokuthi indoda ehlukene ikulungele ukuphola. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, uma esanda kuphuma emshadweni, kungenzeka ukuthi usabhekana nosizi, umuzwa wecala, noma intukuthelo. Uma kunjalo, kudingeka uzibuze: Ingabe ukulungele ukukunikeza amandla angokomzwelo ubuhlobo obudingekayo?

UDkt. Rachel Summers, umeluleki wezobudlelwano, uyeluleka, “Ngaphambi kokwenza kanjalo, qiniseka ukuthi uyasiqonda isimo sokuhlukana kwakhe. Ingabe kunokuthula? Ingabe zikhona izingxabano ezingaxazululiwe noma izingxabano ezingokomthetho?

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2. Ziyini izinhloso zakhe?

Ngaphambi kokuthi ugcine usuthandana nendoda esehlukanisa, qiniseka ukuthi uyaqonda ukuthi izinhloso zayo ziyini noma ifunani ngokugxumela esizibeni sokuqomisana lapho umshado wayo ungakabi namakhaza. Kungani nithandana nihlukene? Ingabe ufuna umngane wangempela, noma uzama ukuzithikameza ezinhlungwini? Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDkt. Mark McCarthy sithi, “Abanye abantu bagijimela ukuphola ngokushesha ukuze bavale isikhala noma babalekele isizungu. ubudlelwano obusha. "

3. Ingabe usukulungele ukubhekana nobunzima balobu budlelwano?

Ukuqomisana nendoda ehlukanisiwe iza nomthwalo, kaningi kunalokho. Ngokwesibonelo, angase abe nemali noma ubudlelwano bomzali ne-ex yakhe ezidinga ukuthi bahlangane futhi baxhumane njalo. Manje, noma ngabe akukho okwenzekayo noma okusele phakathi kwakhe ne-ex yakhe, wonke lowo mlando ungenza izinto zibe nzima. Ingabe ukulungele ngokomzwelo ukuyisingatha? Uma kungenjalo, ukuqoma le ndoda kungase kungabi ngawe, hhayi ngoba ningahambisani kodwa izimo zingekho. 

4. Lithini ithumbu lakho?

Ukuba naye kukwenza uzizwe kanjani? Ingabe uzizwa ulondekile? Noma ingabe ukungabaza okungapheli nokungazethembi kuyangena? Ingabe uyakwazi ukukholelwa inguqulo yakhe yendaba ngaphandle kokucabanga okwesibili? Noma ingabe ukhathazekile ngokuthi kungase kube khona okungaphezu kwalokho okubonayo? Ingabe ngokuzithoba ufuna amafulege abomvu lapho ukuphola indoda ehlukanisiwe noma ingabe uzizwa ukhululekile? Le mizwa, imicabango, noma ngisho nokuzwa ngokomzimba kungaba ukubonakaliswa kwemvelo yakho yokuzigcina, futhi ukuthembela kuyo kubalulekile.

UDkt. Summers uyagcizelela, “Ukunethezeka kwakho kubaluleke kakhulu njengendaba yakhe. Uma kukhona okuphathekayo, kulungile ukuhlehla uphinde ubuyekeze.” Ukujola nendoda ehlukene akusona isimo esilingana nawe. Uma elulungele ngempela ubudlelwano futhi uzizwa uqiniseka ngezinhloso zakhe, kungahamba kahle. Kodwa uma izinkinga zakhe ezingaxazululiwe zikucindezela, ukuhamba kude nendoda ehlukanisiwe kuyisinqumo esifanelekile futhi.

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11 Amafulegi Abomvu Lapho Ujola Nendoda Eyehlukene

Ukuqomisana indoda ehlukanisiwe kungaba rollercoaster ngokomzwelo. Njengoba le OP ivuliwe r/Isehlukaniso, obesethandana nobaba abahlukene, wafunda lapho esengene shí ebuhlotsheni. Indoda ahamba nayo sebenezinyanga ezine behlukene, kanti kuzona sebethandane ezimbili (ngesikhathi ephuma emsebenzini), nokwagcina kuqale ukungena uvalo nokungazethembi.   

Uthi, “…Ukhuluma kakhulu nge-ex yakhe… okwangikhathaza kancane ekuqaleni…. kodwa ngiyakuzwa, konke okuhlangenwe nakho abe nakho kusukela esemncane elapho, ngakho-ke kunzima… Ngokomongo, waphetha izinto naye. Wabe esezama ukumbuyisa, waya kokwelashwa nakho konke. Wenqaba ukwelulekwa izithandani futhi wathi sebeqedile. Wabe eseqala…ukuthi uyamfuna futhi uthi CHA… uqedile! 

“Njengoba i-ex yakhe ibonile ukuthi ibona umuntu nakanjani… imthumelele umlayezo wamanoveli… mayelana nokuthi ngeke aze amlahle ithemba nokuthi acabanga ukuthi angambuyisela kanjani kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzekani. Ngolunye usuku, mina naye besikhuluma ngalokho esicabanga ukuthi “ukukopela”. Ngathi ukukopela okungokomzwelo njengokudlala ngothando nezithandwa zakhe ngesikhathi kunothile futhi ngambuza ukuthi kwenzeka yini ukuthi adlale ngothando, wabe engasenalo nhlobo uvalo kimina, wabe engasangithandisisi kumanoveli abo bethumela imiyalezo eminingi…eyakhe yayithinta imizwa futhi eyakhe yayincane futhi kodwa wayengadlali nhlobo. 

“…Silele embhedeni ekuseni. U-ex wakhe ushaye ucingo izikhathi ezi-5 zilandelana, kodwa ubesocingweni angalubambi. Ube esefona futhi, futhi uyaphendula, usendlini yabo endala uhambisa izinto ZAKHE manje, futhi umbuza ngalo lonke uhlobo lombhedo ongenamsebenzi. Kwathi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi ngenkathi edla isidlo sasekuseni aphinde afone izikhathi ezi-2 ukuze angimoshele isikhathi, bese ephinda efona futhi ngemva kwehora. aphinde angaphenduli Bese emthumelela umyalezo othi ” Ngimatasatasa”, bese ephendula “Call me later, I don’t care if ur busy with ur STUPID gf! ” Ngazizwa ngicasukile ngalokho, ngamtshela ukuthi kufanele angimele futhi lokho kwaba ukudelela kuye.  

“…Ube esengitshela kamuva ngalobo busuku ukuthi wamcela ukuba enze i-Xmas ekuseni naye nezingane wavuma. Wangitshela futhi ngesonto eledlule ukuthi wamcela ukuba benze ukwelashwa ngokubambisana kwabazali futhi wavuma ngoba kuzozuzisa izingane. Kodwa manje angikwazi ukuzibamba kodwa ngizizwa ngigcwele ukukhathazeka!! Angikaze ngizizwe ngale ndlela ngomuntu isikhathi eside kangaka, kodwa ngibhekana nalesi simo ...

Njengoba ubona, ukuzulazula ku-equation eyinkimbinkimbi lapho umlingani wakho ene-ex engeyena ngokobuchwepheshe owayeyi-ex yakhe kungaholela ekutholeni i-ex. ubudlelwano obuqeda amandla futhi ingaletha ukwesaba nokungazethembi ngekusasa. Ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi awugcini ngokudliwa idrama yomshado womunye umuntu ngethemba lokuthola uthando, kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi unake la mafulegi abomvu lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe futhi ubuyekeze isinqumo sakho sokuba naye uma ubona noma yikuphi: 

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1. Akakahlukanisi ngokomthetho

Enye yezinto ezigqama kakhulu uma ujola nendoda ehlukene wukuthi usashadile ngokusemthethweni, okusho ukuthi akakasivali ngokugcwele leso sahluko sempilo yakhe. UDkt. Summers uthi, “Indoda esashadile ngokomthetho ingase ingakakulungeli ngokomzwelo noma ngokoqobo ukuzibophezela kumuntu omusha. 

“Ukuhlukaniswa” kuvame ukuba mpunga. Nakuba abanye bengase bayisebenzise ukuze babonise ukuphela kobudlelwane, abanye kungenzeka ukuthi basalungisa imizwa yabo noma benethemba ukubuyisana ngemva kokuhlukana. Ngaphandle kwalokho, isehlukaniso sihlanganisa ukungezwani ngokomzwelo nangokwengqondo, okuthatha isikhathi. Ngaphandle kwesiphetho esingokomthetho, kunobungozi bokuhlehla noma abe nobudlelwano obungaxazululiwe nomuntu wakhe wakudala. Lokhu kuthinta ikakhulukazi uma indoda onayo isiqale ukuthandana ngemuva nje kokuhlukana nalo nkosikazi. Uma kunjalo, maningi amathuba okuthi uyajola ukuze aqede ubuhlungu bomshado wakhe kungasebenzi noma awusebenzise njengendlela engalungile yokubhekana nokuhlukana.  

2. Ukhuluma kabi nge ex yakhe

Ukuqomisana nendoda esehlukanisile akuwona umqondo omuhle uma ibonisa ubutha noma ukunganaki kumuntu wakudala. Ukumbiza ngokuthi “uhlanya lomfazi” noma ukubeka wonke umthwalo wedivosi kuye, esho izinto ezinjengokulawula kwakhe, wayeyi-narcissist, noma ukumbiza ngamagama kubonisa ukungakhuli ngokomzwelo nemizwa eminingi engaxazululeki edlalwayo. 

Ukumuzwa ekhuluma kabi ngomkakhe kungase kukwenze ucabange ukuthi usedlulele kwi-ex yakhe kodwa kungabi kude neqiniso. Uma esakhipha intukuthelo, kungenzeka ukuthi akakanyakazi ngokomzwelo futhi angase aboshwe ngokomzwelo nowayeshade naye ngenxa yokucasuka. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDkt. Mark McCarthy sithi: “Uma ehlala egxeka owayekade eshade naye, lokho kungase kubonise intukuthelo noma intukuthelo engaxazululeki, “Lokhu kubi kungase kungene ebuhlotsheni benu.”

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3. Uyakufihla ngokuhlukana kwakhe

Njengoba sibonile endabeni kaJulie, ukungabaza komlingani wakhe ukuphumela obala ngesehlukaniso nokuhlukana kwaba umthombo wokukhathazeka nokungazethembi. Yilokho ukuntula obala ebudlelwaneni kwenza. Nakanjani ifulegi elibomvu ngoba likhomba ukuthi owesilisa othandana naye kungenzeka ukuthi unokuthile akufihlayo mayelana ne-knitty-gritty yokuhlukana kwakhe. Uma egwema ukuxoxa ngokuhlukana kwakhe noma engacacile ngemininingwane, kungase kusho ukuthi ufihla izinkinga ezingakaxazululwa noma akaqiniseki ngokuqhubekela phambili nawe. 

4. Uphuthuma ebudlelwaneni

Nakuba kungase kuzwakale kuthopha lapho othile ekwenza isizinda somhlaba wakhe futhi akunake, ukuphuthuma ebudlelwaneni kungaba yindlela yokubhekana nokugwema ukubhekana nobuhlungu bokuhlukana. UDkt. Summers uyaxwayisa, “Uma efuna ukuzibophezela ngokushesha, kungase kube uphawu lokuthi usebenzisa lobo buhlobo ukuze aziphazamise ebuhlungwini bokuhlukana kwakhe.” Lokhu kungenxa yokuthi ubuhlobo obunempilo budinga isikhathi ukuze buthuthuke. 

Uma umlingani wakho ecwebezela ngaleyo nqubo futhi eqhubekisela phambili izinto ngesivinini esizizwa sinekhanda kakhulu, kufanelekile ukuthatha isikhashana ucabange ukuthi imizwa yakhe iyiqiniso yini noma uma usebenzisa ubuhlobo njengendlela yokudonsa imizwa. USarah, owahlala nomngane wakhe ababehlukene naye izinyanga ezimbili nje bephola, wakubona kabuhlungu lapho eqala ukuqaphela ukuthi wayesakhumbula i-ex yakhe nomshado wakhe. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi isiphi isihloko sengxoxo, wayehlala ekhuluma nge-ex yakhe, futhi u-Sarah waqala ukuzizwa sengathi wayengamxakile ngendlela ayemholele ngayo ukuba akholwe. 

5. Akatholakali ngokomzwelo

Esinye sezibonakaliso owesilisa ohlukanisiwe ulungele ukuphola ukuthi uyatholakala ngokomzwelo futhi usengozini nomlingani wakhe wamanje, osebenza njengesisekelo sobuhlobo obuqinile. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ubunzima bokuvula, ukugwema izingxoxo ezijulile, noma ukuba kude phakathi nezikhathi zomzwelo kuyizimpawu ezibomvu lapho ujola nendoda ehlukene. 

Lezi yizinkomba ezicacile ze ukungatholakali ngokomzwelo, okubangelwa ukungacubunguli ngokugcwele ukuhlukana komshado wakhe. “Ukungatholakali ngokomzwelo kuvamile kubantu abasanda kuhlukana,” kusho uDkt. McCarthy. "Bangase badinge isikhathi sokuphulukisa ngaphambi kokuthi bavuleke ngokugcwele." 

6. Uyakugwema ukukhuluma ngekusasa

Uma emadolonzima ukuxoxa nawe ngekusasa noma ukukhuluma ngokuthi ubuhlobo buyaphi, kungase kusho ukuthi ungakulungele ukuzibophezela noma mhlawumbe, akakawuvali ngokugcwele umnyango wokuthi kungenzeka ukubuyisana nomkakhe. Uma njalo uma ukhuluma ngesihloko sokuya eholidini, ukushintshisana ngezikhiye zezindlu zomunye nomunye, noma ukuhlangana nabangane noma umndeni, umlingani wakho uyaphambuka, ngokuqinisekile kusho ukuthi akanasiqiniseko noma uyangabaza ukuqhubekela phambili. U-Ava Torres uyaxwayisa: “Indoda ebekela eceleni izinhlelo zesikhathi esizayo ingase ingakuboni njengomlingani wesikhathi eside. 

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7. Usaboshelwe ngokwezimali ne-ex yakhe

Izibopho zezimali ezifana nama-akhawunti ahlanganyelwe, izikweletu ezihlanganyelwe, noma izingxabano eziqhubekayo ze-alipony zingaba umthombo wengxabano ngoba zidala ingcindezi futhi zinciphise ikhono lakhe lokugxila ekwakheni okuthile okusha nawe. Ngaphandle kwalokho, lapho uthola umlingani wakho ehlukanisa izikweletu noma elawula izikweletu ezihlanganyelwe nowayeshade naye, kungase kukushiye uzibuza, “Ingabe usashadile naye engqondweni yakhe?” 

Lokhu kungaletha okunye okuningi ukungazethembi ebudlelwaneni. Nakuba izihibe ezinjalo zezezimali zingagwemeki njalo ekuhlakazweni komshado, udinga ukucaciseleka ngokuthi umlingani wakho unalo yini uhlelo kanye nomugqa wesikhathi wokuxazulula lokhu. Uma kungenjalo, ifulegi elibomvu eliqinisekile elizoba nomthelela ebudlelwaneni bakho maduze noma kamuva. 

8. Izingane zakhe azinakile ngawe 

Uma nindawonye isikhathi eside futhi ubekhuluma ngokuzibophezela nokukhethekile kodwa engabaza ukukwazisa ezinganeni zakhe noma agcine imfihlo yobudlelwano, yifulegi elibomvu angahle angakulungele ukubeka imali yakhe lapho kunomlomo wakhe. 

UDkt. McCarthy uthi: “Ukukufihlela izingane zakhe kungase kubonise ukuthi akaqiniseki ngobuqotho bobuhlobo bakhe. Nakuba ukuthatha isikhathi sokwethula umlingani omusha ezinganeni kuwukuhlakanipha, imfihlo ephelele ingase ibonise ukuthi akakakulungeli ukuhlanganisa impilo yakhe endala nentsha.

9. Ukufanisa ne ex yakhe

Ekhuluma ngamafulegi abomvu lapho ejola nendoda ehlukanisiwe, lona uthatha ikhekhe ngenxa yokuthi lingase libe buhlungu noma lingasebenzi. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kuhle noma kubi, ukuqhathanisa nomuntu owayeyi ex kuwuphawu lokuthi usematasa ngokwengqondo ngobuhlobo bakhe bangaphambili futhi kungakwenza uzizwe sengathi uqhudelana nomuntu ongekho ngisho nokuba khona.

Izitatimende ezinjengokuthi “Uqonda kakhulu kune-ex yami” noma “Angikwazanga ukuvulela isithandwa sami isifuba ngendlela engingenza ngayo ngawe” zingabonakala zithopha ekuqaleni, kodwa uma ucabanga ngempela ngakho, kusho ukuthi akakwazanga. yenza ukuthula nesikhathi esedlule futhi ingxenye yakhe ihlale icabanga nge-ex yakhe. Mhlawumbe, usebenzisa lobu budlelwano nawe ukuze aqinisekise ukukhetha kwakhe ukuhamba kude nomshado wakhe. 

10. Uyakugwema ukukwazisa kubangani nomndeni wakhe

Nakuba kuqondakala ngendoda eqomisana ngenkathi ihlukene nomkayo ukuze ithathe izinto kancane ebudlelwaneni bayo obusha, uma seninezinyanga ezimbalwa nindawonye noma ngisho unyaka noma ngaphezulu futhi ingakakwazisi emndenini wayo noma ikulethe embuthanweni wayo wokuxhumana nabantu, kuyifulegi elibomvu ukuthi ayinaso isiqiniseko ngobuhlobo noma iyazisola ngesinqumo sayo sokuqala ukuphola ngaphambi kokuba isehlukaniso siphothulwe. 

Kunoma ikuphi, lokhu kunqikaza kusho ukuthi akakalungeli ukukuhlanganisa ngokugcwele empilweni yakhe. “Lokhu kungakhombisa ukuthi akakakulungeli yenza ubuhlobo bube semthethweni noma akaqiniseki ngokuphila kwawo isikhathi eside,” kuxwayisa uDkt. Summers.” Izizathu zingase zihluke kodwa iphuzu elibalulekile liwukuthi uma ehudula izinyawo ekwamukeleni phakathi kwabantu bakhe bangaphakathi, unokungabaza kwakhe ngalobu buhlobo futhi kungaba ukuhlakanipha ngawe ukuba ungabeki amathemba akho kubo obuzosebenza isikhathi eside. 

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11. Usabambe iqhaza kakhulu empilweni ye-ex yakhe

Nakuba ukuba nomzali oyedwa noma imithwalo yemfanelo ehlanganyelwe kungadinga izinga elithile lokuxhumana nomuntu owayeshade naye, ukusebenzisana ngokweqile kungase kubonise izibopho ezingokomzwelo eziqhubekayo. Uma ehlala ebheka ukuthi i-ex yakhe iyajola noma cha nokuthi ubani, ahlole ukuthi uqhuba kahle yini, aphume endleleni yokuyomeseka uma engaphilile noma ephansi emoyeni, lezi imingcele engenampilo ne-ex yakhe kuwuphawu olucacile oluyisixwayiso sokuthi kungenzeka ukuthi usenayo imizwa ngaye. Lokhu kunamathela okungapheli kungaphazamisa ikhono lakho lokwakha ubudlelwano ngokwemibandela yakho.

Amathiphu angu-9 Wokuzulazula Ukuthandana Nendoda Ehlukene

Uma ubona noma yimaphi amafulege abomvu acwazimulayo lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe, isincomo sami kungaba ukuthi usike ukulahlekelwa kwakho bese uhamba. Umuntu ongazange azinike isikhathi sokuvala isahluko esibalulekile sempilo, alilele ukulahlekelwa kwaso, abhekane nosizi, futhi azindle ngokuthi ungakhula kanjani kusukela kokuhlangenwe nakho akakwazi neze ukuba uzakwethu omfanele. Ngaphandle kwalokho, yonke leyo drama ivela ebudlelwaneni obungaxazululiwe kanye nokushayisana kwemizwa akufanelekile. 

Ngisho noma esekwenzile okudingekayo futhi abonise zonke izimpawu zendoda ehlukanisiwe isilungele ukuphola, kungase kube nezinkinga ezingokomzwelo nezokusebenza ezingathinta ubuhlobo bakho naye. Yingakho ukuthandana nendoda ehlukene kudinga ukuzulazula ngokucophelela. Nawa amanye amathiphu asekelwe uchwepheshe ukuze akusize ulawule lokhu okuguquguqukayo ngempumelelo.

1. Qonda isimo sakhe sokuhlukana

Kubalulekile ukucacisa ukuthi umi kuphi enqubweni yokwehlukana. Ingabe usanda kuhlukana, noma sekunesikhathi? Ingabe isehlukaniso sesiqediwe? Le mininingwane ingakhombisa ukuthi usekulungele kangakanani ubudlelwano obusha. UDkt. Summers uyachaza, “Umugqa wesikhathi wokuhlukana ubalulekile ngoba indoda esanda kuhlukana ingase isacubungula imizwelo enjengosizi, umuzwa wecala, noma intukuthelo.” Ukuze uqonde ngempela ukuthi umi kuphi ngokuphathelene nokwehlukana, akumele ungabaze ukubuza imibuzo efana nokuthi, 

• Sekunjani lokhu kuhlukana kwakho kuze kube manje?
• Ingabe uzizwa ukulungele ukuqhubeka?
• Kukho konke okwenzekayo empilweni yakho, ucabanga ukuthi ungazenzela isikhala? ubudlelwano obusha?
• Ingabe uqinisekile ukuthi ukwehlukana kungunaphakade noma ucabanga ukuthi sikhona indawo yokubuyisana?

 Lokhu kuzomnikeza ithuba lokwabelana ngesimo sakhe somzwelo kanye nezinqubo ezihilelekile.

2. Beka imingcele ecacile

Ukubeka imingcele ecacile kubalulekile lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukene ukuze uchaze ubudlelwano futhi uqinisekise ukuthi awudonseleki ezindabeni ezingaxazululiwe njengokusebenzelana kwakhe nalowo owayeshade naye noma izibopho zomzali oyedwa. “Imingcele ibalulekile ekuqinisekiseni ukuthi uzizwa uhlonishwa futhi uvikelekile ngenkathi ezulazula ngokuhlukana kwakhe,” kusho u-Ava Torres.

Ngokwesibonelo, uma owayekade eshade naye efona noma ethumela imiyalezo nganoma isiphi isikhathi lapho edinga ukuxoxa ngokuthile ngezingane futhi kukukhathaza ukuthi kudla isikhathi esihle senu ndawonye, ​​xoxani ngokubeka kuqala isikhathi senu ndawonye. Ungabeka iphuzu lakho ngobumnene ngokusho into efana nokuthi, "Ngiyaqonda ukuthi unezibopho, kodwa ngingathanda ukuthi sidale isikhathi esingaphazamiseki somunye nomunye."

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izibonelo Eziyisi-9 Zemingcele Yemizwa Ebudlelwaneni

3. Thatha kancane

Njengoba sesixoxile, ukugijimela ebudlelwaneni kungase kubonise ukuthi indoda ehlukene inenkawu-branching ukuze igweme ukubhekana nobuhlungu bemizwa noma ukusebenzisa wena njengendlela yokubhekana nemizwa yokubhekana nesikhathi esinzima empilweni yayo. Kungakho, uma uzwa sengathi uyisa izinto phambili ngesivinini ongakhululekile ngaso, gcizelela ukunciphisa ubudlelwano. 

UDkt. McCarthy uyeluleka, “Sheshisa ubuhlobo ngendlela ezwakalayo futhi evumela isikhala sokuba nobabili nikhulume ngemizwelo yenu ngokwethembeka.” Lokhu kuzokuvumela ukuthi wakhe ukwethembana nokulinganisa ukuhambisana. Ungakwenza lokhu ngokusetha izigigaba ezincane njengokuhlangana nabangane bakhe abaseduze noma ukuba nengxoxo mayelana nokuhluka kuphela lapho nobabili ninethezekile.

4. Hlola ukutholakala kwakhe ngokomzwelo

Indoda ehlukene nomkayo ingase isaphatheke kabi futhi ingakakulungeli ngokomzwelo ukutshala ubuhlobo obusha. Ngaphambi kokuthi utshale imali kakhulu ngokomzwelo, bheka izimpawu lapho indoda ehlukene isilungele ukuphola njengokuthi ikhono layo lokukhuluma ngokukhululekile futhi ukuphatha ukungqubuzana ngokuvuthiwe.

Phawula indlela asabela ngayo ezingxoxweni ezithinta inhliziyo. Uma ezigwema noma evala, kungase kubonise ukuthi akakakulungeli ngokugcwele. Lokho kuwuphawu lwakho lokuhlola kabusha ukuthi ufuna ukutshala malini kulobu budlelwano. 

5. Gwema ukuba yi-rebound

Uma eqomisana ukuze aziphazamise ebuhlungu noma enesizungu, usengozini yokuba yisizungu. Ubudlelwano obubuyela emuva bungase buzizwe bushubile ekuqaleni kodwa ngokuvamile buntula ukuzinza kwesikhathi eside. UDkt. Summers uyaxwayisa, “Qaphela ubuhlobo obuhamba ngokushesha noma obunomuzwa wokuthi busekelwe kuphela ekuncikeni ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo.” Ukuze wenze isiqiniseko sokuthi awehli kulo mgodi onogwaja wobuhlungu bemizwa: 

• Bheka ukujula ngale i-chemistry yokuqala
• Bheka ukuthi usekulungele yini ukutshala imali ebudlelwaneni
• Buza ngezinhloso zakhe zokuthandana 
• Qinisekisa ukuthi zihambisana nezakho

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ingabe Ubudlelwano Be-Rebound Buke Busebenze?

6. Zilungiselele umthwalo

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi singakanani isikhathi nomzamo awutshale ekubhekaneni nezinkinga zakhe ezingokomzwelo kanye nokuphulukiswa kusukela ekuphazamisekeni komshado ongaphumeleli, nakanjani kuzoba nemithwalo. Ngaphandle kwe umthwalo wemizwa, kukhona nemithwalo yempahla ehlanganisa izindaba eziqhubekayo zomthetho, ukukhulisa izingane ngokubambisana, noma izibopho zezimali. 

Kufanele ukhumbule ukuthi lezi zici zingaba nomthelela ebudlelwaneni bakho futhi ulungele ukweseka umlingani wakho. “Akudingeki ulungise izinkinga zakhe, kodwa kufanele ukulungele ukubhekana nobunzima obuhambisana nesimo sakhe,” kusho u-Ava Torres. Ngokwesibonelo, uma ebhekene namalungiselelo okugcinwa kwengane, sekela kodwa futhi ugomele ngokuthi kungakanani ukubandakanyeka ozizwa ukhululekile ngawe.

7. Hlonipha izibopho zakhe zokuba umzali ohlanganyela naye

Uma enezingane, ngokuqondakalayo zizoba eza kuqala. Nokho, lokhu akusho ukuthi izidingo zakho kufanele zibekwe eceleni. Ngalokho, udinga ukuxoxa ngamashejuli kanye setha okulindelwe ubudlelwano ekuqaleni, ngokwethembeka nangokuvuthwa. Ngokwesibonelo, khuluma, 

• Nizosiphatha kanjani isikhathi sobabili uma sekuyithuba lakhe lokuba nezingane 
• Lapho ezizwa ekhululekile ukukwazisa ezinganeni 
• Hlobo luni lwendima ongase uyidlale ezimpilweni zabo 
• Indlela yokusingatha izinguquko zomzuzu wokugcina ngenxa yezidingo zezingane zakhe ngaphandle kokudala ukucasuka

8. Ungawazibi amafulegi abomvu

Ngisho noma izinto ziqala kahle (njengoba zivame ukwenza), qiniseka ukuthi unaka amafulege abomvu lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe njengoba futhi lapho zivela-kungaba ukuhileleka ngokweqile nowayeshade naye, ukugwema izingxoxo ezingathi sína, ukungatholakali ngokomzwelo, noma ukuntuleka kwemingcele ne-ex. Futhi ukhulume nabo ngaphandle kokulibala. 

Ngokwesibonelo, uma ubona ukuthi umngane wakho womshado usehileleke kakhulu ekuphileni kowayeshade naye, yithi, “Ngiye ngaqaphela ukuthi ukhuluma futhi uchitha isikhathi esiningi nomuntu owake wathandana naye, futhi ngingathanda ukuqonda ukuthi kwenzakalani. Singaxoxa ngakho?”

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ukukhukhula Kwemizwa: Kusho Ukuthini Ebudlelwaneni?

9. Beka kuqala inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo

Ngaphezu kwakho konke, beka kuqala ukuzigcina kwakho futhi uvikele inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo. Kulula ukubambeka ezinseleleni zomunye umuntu, kodwa ungakuvumeli kudlule injabulo yakho nempilo engokomzwelo. “A ubuhlobo obunempilo iqala ngabantu ababili abaphelele. Ungazilahleki ngenkathi uzama ukusekela omunye umuntu,” kusho u-Ava Torres. Beka imingcele ukuze uqinisekise ukuthi unesikhathi namandla okutshala imali kuwe futhi ubeke okubalulekile kwakho:

• Izindlela zokuzinakekela
• Ukuzilibazisa
• ubungane
• Izifiso kanye nemigomo

Imicabango Final 

Ukuqomisana nendoda ehlukene kungasebenza uma nobabili nisondela ebuhlotsheni ngokwethembeka, ukubekezela, nokulungela ngokomzwelo. Ngokubeka imingcele, ukuthatha kancane, futhi ubeke phambili ukuxhumana okuvulekile, ungakha uxhumano oluhlonipha kokubili isimo sakhe nezidingo zakho. Ngaphezu kwakho konke, themba imizwelo yakho engokwemvelo—inhlalakahle yakho ibaluleke njengeyakhe.

Ukuba Umfazi Wesibili: Izinselelo Eziyi-9 Okufanele Uzilungiselele 

Izimpawu Eziyi-12 Zokuthi Unkosikazi Wakhe Wakudala Ufuna Abuye (Futhi Okufanele Akwenze)

Izizathu Ezingu-15 Ezivamile Zesehlukaniso

Umnikelo wakho awuhlanganisi inhlangano esiza abantulayo umnikelo. Izovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolwakamuva emzamweni wethu wokusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

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