11 Amafulegi Abomvu Lapho Ujola Nendoda Eyehlukene | Ungabanaki Lezi

Akulula ukuzithola ukhangwa indoda ehlukene nomkayo kodwa ingadivosi ngokusemthethweni. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kumnandi kangakanani ukuba naye noma ukuthi ukuxhumana kwakho kubonakala kuqine kangakanani, ingxenye yakho ihlale ibheke amafulegi abomvu lapho ujola nendoda ehlukene. Yilokho kanye okwenzeka ku-Julie, umbelethisi kanye no-doula wokuzalwa, owahlangana nendoda ehlukanisiwe ohlelweni lokusebenza lokuthandana futhi waqala ukumbona. 

Muva nje ubhalele i-Bonobology, efuna isiqondiso kuthimba lethu lochwepheshe mayelana nokuthi isinqumo sakhe sokuthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe sasilungile noma cha. "Umlingani wami useneminyaka emithathu ahlukene nomkakhe kodwa ayikasondeli ukuthi idivosi ivele. Sesinezinyanga ezi-4 sithandana futhi cishe amasonto amabili edlule wangicela ukuba ngibe yedwa. Ukhuluma ngokuthi sithathe uhambo lwesonto lonke ndawonye futhi ngezinye izikhathi ukhuluma ngokuthi kungaba njani uma sihlala ndawonye. Kodwa akalokothi akhulume ngesimo sokudivosa kwakhe noma uma isehlukaniso sesiphelile. 

“Nakuba ngijatshuliswa umbono wokuba sebudlelwaneni bokuzibophezela nendoda engangiyithanda, ngikhathazeka ngokuthi ngokomthetho usashadile.” Futhi, ukuvaleka kwakhe isikhathi eside ngesehlukaniso sakhe kungenza ngikhathazeke ngokuthi lobu buhlobo bunekusasa yini. 

Ukwesaba nokukhathazeka ngokuthandana nendoda edlula isehlukaniso kwangenza ngaba nesithakazelo, futhi njengoba ngangizindla kakhulu ngale ndaba, ngathola ukuthi kunabesifazane abaningi abanjengoJulie, laphaya, ababhekene nenkinga yokuthi kufanele yini ukuthandana nendoda edlula isehlukaniso noma cha. Ngakho-ke, ngibone kufanelekile ukuhlanganisa lo mhlahlandlela onemininingwane ngokuthandana nendoda ehlukene, uphendule imibuzo mayelana nokuthi kulungile yini, amafulegi aluhlaza nabomvu okudingeka uwaqaphele, kanye nezindlela zokuhamba kulobu budlelwano obuyinkimbinkimbi ngaphandle kokubuvumela ukuthi buthinte inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo. Uma okwamanje uzimisele ngokuthandana nendoda ehlukene kodwa engahlukanisile, qhubeka ufunda ukuze uthole ukucaca kokuthi ungabhekana kanjani kangcono nalesi simo.

Ingabe Kulungile Ukujola Nendoda Eyehlukene?

Umbuzo wokuqala ofika engqondweni uma uzithola ukhangwa yindoda ehlukanisile kodwa engahlukanisile uthi, “Kulungile yini ukuthandana nendoda ehlukanisile?” Njengoba lo mdlali we-OP ku- r/ AskWomenOver30 ebuza, “Ngiqala ukubona indoda ehlukanisile cishe unyaka kodwa isehlukaniso simisiwe ngenxa yezindawo engene nazo emshadweni. Inezingane ezimbili futhi mina ngineyodwa. Angikaze ngithandane nendoda ekulesi sikhundla futhi ngisanda kuqala ukuthandana selokhu ngaba nengane mina. Ngijabule kakhulu ngaye ngoba ubonakala engithanda kakhulu futhi nami ngimthanda kakhulu. Ngineminyaka engu-30 kanti yena uneminyaka engu-36. Yikuphi ukuhlakanipha okunzima engingakugwema ukukufunda ngendlela enzima?”

Uyabona, ukuthandana nendoda ehlukene nomuntu kuzoletha ukukhathazeka okunjalo ngoba kuyindawo engavamile kakhulu uma kukhulunywa ngobudlelwano. Indoda othandana nayo noma ocabanga ukuyithanda ayishadile futhi ishadile ngesikhathi esifanayo. Nakuba inazo zonke izimpawu zobudlelwano obungaba yinkimbinkimbi , akuwona umqondo omubi ngempela. Ukuthi ukuthandana nendoda ehlukene nomuntu kulungile noma cha, ekugcineni, kuncike ezicini zesimo sayo kanye nokuthi yini okhululekile ngayo. Ukuze unqume ukuthi kungaba kuhle yini ukuthi uqhubeke nalolu budlelwano, nazi izinto ezimbalwa okudingeka uzicabangele:

1. Sinjani isimo sakhe?

Ukuthi indoda ethandana ngesikhathi ihlukene iyinkinga yini kuncike ezicini ezithile zesimo sayo. Isibonelo, uma isihlukene nomkayo iminyaka eminingi futhi isehlukaniso singakafiki ngenxa yemithetho eqinile noma ezinye izinkinga ezingakaxazululwa, kungenzeka ukuthi ibinesikhathi sokucubungula imizwa eguquguqukayo ngomshado wayo oqhekekayo futhi ibe sendaweni lapho ingaguqula khona isiqalo esisha.

Ukuba nokuthula nesikhathi sakhe esidlule, ukungabi nenzondo ngobudlova ku-ex yakhe, noma ukuvaleliswa kuye kuyizimpawu ezithile zokuthi indoda ehlukene ikulungele ukuphola. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, uma esanda kuphuma emshadweni, kungenzeka ukuthi usabhekana nosizi, umuzwa wecala, noma intukuthelo. Uma kunjalo, kudingeka uzibuze: Ingabe ukulungele ukukunikeza amandla angokomzwelo ubuhlobo obudingekayo?

UDkt. Rachel Summers, umeluleki wezobudlelwano, uyeluleka, “Ngaphambi kokwenza kanjalo, qiniseka ukuthi uyasiqonda isimo sokuhlukana kwakhe. Ingabe kunokuthula? Ingabe zikhona izingxabano ezingaxazululiwe noma izingxabano ezingokomthetho?

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2. Ziyini izinhloso zakhe?

Ngaphambi kokuba ugcina uthandane nendoda edlula esigamekweni sokuhlukanisa, qiniseka ukuthi uyaqonda ukuthi iyini inhloso yayo noma ukuthi yini eyifunayo ngokugxumela echibini lokuthandana lapho umshado wayo ungakabanda. Kungani ithandana ngenkathi ihlukene? Ingabe ifuna ubungane bangempela, noma izama ukuzithiba ebuhlungwini? Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDkt. Mark McCarthy uthi, “Abanye abantu bagxumela ekuthandweni kusenesikhathi ukuze bagcwalise isikhala noma babalekele isizungu. Qiniseka ukuthi ithandana nawe ngezizathu ezifanele—hhayi ukuthi ifuna ubudlelwano obuphinde bube khona .”

3. Ingabe usukulungele ukubhekana nobunzima balobu budlelwano?

Ukuthandana nendoda ehlukene kuza nemithwalo, kaningi. Isibonelo, angase abe nobudlelwano bezezimali noma bokukhulisana nowayengumlingani wakhe obudinga ukuthi bahlangane futhi basebenzisane njalo. Manje, noma ngabe akukho lutho oluqhubekayo noma olusele phakathi kwakhe nowayengumlingani wakhe, wonke lowo mlando ungenza izinto zibe nzima. Ingabe usukulungele ngokomzwelo ukubhekana nakho? Uma kungenjalo, ukuthandana nale ndoda kungase kungabi yinto efanele wena, hhayi ngoba anifanelani kodwa ngoba izimo azifanele.

4. Lithini ithumbu lakho?

Ukuba naye kukwenza uzizwe kanjani? Ingabe uzizwa ulondekile? Noma ingabe ukungabaza okungapheli nokungazethembi kuyangena? Ingabe uyakwazi ukukholelwa inguqulo yakhe yendaba ngaphandle kokucabanga okwesibili? Noma ingabe ukhathazekile ngokuthi kungase kube khona okungaphezu kwalokho okubonayo? Ingabe ngokuzithoba ufuna amafulege abomvu lapho ukuphola indoda ehlukanisiwe noma ingabe uzizwa ukhululekile? Le mizwa, imicabango, noma ngisho nokuzwa ngokomzimba kungaba ukubonakaliswa kwemvelo yakho yokuzigcina, futhi ukuthembela kuyo kubalulekile.

UDkt. Summers uyagcizelela, “Ukunethezeka kwakho kubaluleke kakhulu njengendaba yakhe. Uma kukhona okuphathekayo, kulungile ukuhlehla uphinde ubuyekeze.” Ukujola nendoda ehlukene akusona isimo esilingana nawe. Uma elulungele ngempela ubudlelwano futhi uzizwa uqiniseka ngezinhloso zakhe, kungahamba kahle. Kodwa uma izinkinga zakhe ezingaxazululiwe zikucindezela, ukuhamba kude nendoda ehlukanisiwe kuyisinqumo esifanelekile futhi.

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11 Amafulegi Abomvu Lapho Ujola Nendoda Eyehlukene

Ukuthandana nendoda ehlukanisile kungaba yinto eshintshashintshayo ngokomzwelo. Njengoba lo mdlali okhuluma nge- r/Divorce , obethandana nobaba ohlukanisile, ezwa ukuthi usevele ejulile kakhulu ebudlelwaneni. Indoda ahlala nayo isihlukane izinyanga ezine, lapho sebethandane khona iminyaka emibili (ngesikhathi sokubhala kwakhe), futhi ekugcineni, ukukhathazeka nokungazethembi kwaqala ukungena.

Uthi, “…Ukhuluma kakhulu nge-ex yakhe… okwangikhathaza kancane ekuqaleni…. kodwa ngiyakuzwa, konke okuhlangenwe nakho abe nakho kusukela esemncane elapho, ngakho-ke kunzima… Ngokomongo, waphetha izinto naye. Wabe esezama ukumbuyisa, waya kokwelashwa nakho konke. Wenqaba ukwelulekwa izithandani futhi wathi sebeqedile. Wabe eseqala…ukuthi uyamfuna futhi uthi CHA… uqedile! 

“Njengoba i-ex yakhe ibonile ukuthi ibona umuntu nakanjani… imthumelele umlayezo wamanoveli… mayelana nokuthi ngeke aze amlahle ithemba nokuthi acabanga ukuthi angambuyisela kanjani kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzekani. Ngolunye usuku, mina naye besikhuluma ngalokho esicabanga ukuthi “ukukopela”. Ngathi ukukopela okungokomzwelo njengokudlala ngothando nezithandwa zakhe ngesikhathi kunothile futhi ngambuza ukuthi kwenzeka yini ukuthi adlale ngothando, wabe engasenalo nhlobo uvalo kimina, wabe engasangithandisisi kumanoveli abo bethumela imiyalezo eminingi…eyakhe yayithinta imizwa futhi eyakhe yayincane futhi kodwa wayengadlali nhlobo. 

“…Silele embhedeni ekuseni. U-ex wakhe ushaye ucingo izikhathi ezi-5 zilandelana, kodwa ubesocingweni angalubambi. Ube esefona futhi, futhi uyaphendula, usendlini yabo endala uhambisa izinto ZAKHE manje, futhi umbuza ngalo lonke uhlobo lombhedo ongenamsebenzi. Kwathi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi ngenkathi edla isidlo sasekuseni aphinde afone izikhathi ezi-2 ukuze angimoshele isikhathi, bese ephinda efona futhi ngemva kwehora. aphinde angaphenduli Bese emthumelela umyalezo othi ” Ngimatasatasa”, bese ephendula “Call me later, I don’t care if ur busy with ur STUPID gf! ” Ngazizwa ngicasukile ngalokho, ngamtshela ukuthi kufanele angimele futhi lokho kwaba ukudelela kuye.  

“…Ube esengitshela kamuva ngalobo busuku ukuthi wamcela ukuba enze i-Xmas ekuseni naye nezingane wavuma. Wangitshela futhi ngesonto eledlule ukuthi wamcela ukuba benze ukwelashwa ngokubambisana kwabazali futhi wavuma ngoba kuzozuzisa izingane. Kodwa manje angikwazi ukuzibamba kodwa ngizizwa ngigcwele ukukhathazeka!! Angikaze ngizizwe ngale ndlela ngomuntu isikhathi eside kangaka, kodwa ngibhekana nalesi simo ...

Njengoba ubona, ukubhekana nesibalo esiyinkimbinkimbi lapho umlingani wakho enomuntu wangaphambili ongeyena owakwakhe kodwa kungaholela ebudlelwaneni obucindezelayo ngokomzwelo futhi kungaletha ukwesaba nokungaqiniseki ngekusasa. Ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi awugcini udliwa yindaba yomshado yomunye umuntu ngethemba lokuthola uthando, kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi unake lezi zimpawu ezibomvu lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukene futhi uhlole kabusha isinqumo sakho sokuba naye uma ubona noma yimuphi:

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1. Akakahlukanisi ngokomthetho

Enye yezinto ezigqama kakhulu uma ujola nendoda ehlukene wukuthi usashadile ngokusemthethweni, okusho ukuthi akakasivali ngokugcwele leso sahluko sempilo yakhe. UDkt. Summers uthi, “Indoda esashadile ngokomthetho ingase ingakakulungeli ngokomzwelo noma ngokoqobo ukuzibophezela kumuntu omusha. 

"Ukuhlukaniswa" kuvame ukuba yinto engacacile. Nakuba abanye bengakusebenzisa ukukhombisa ukuphela kobudlelwano, abanye bangase basalungisa imizwa yabo noma banethemba lokubuyisana ngemva kokuhlukana . Ngaphandle kwalokho, isehlukaniso sihilela ukungezwani ngokomzwelo nangokwezinhlelo, okuthatha isikhathi. Ngaphandle kokuphela komthetho, kunengozi yokuthi angase abuyele emuva noma abe nobudlelwano obungaxazululiwe nowayengumyeni wakhe. Lokhu kuyakhathaza ikakhulukazi uma indoda onayo isiqalile ukuthandana ngokushesha ngemva kokuhlukana nalo mfazi. Uma kunjalo, kunethuba elihle lokuthi uthandana naye ukuze aqede ubuhlungu bomshado wakhe obungasebenzi noma awusebenzise njengendlela yokubhekana nokwahlukana okungenampilo.

2. Ukhuluma kabi nge ex yakhe

Ukuthandana nendoda edlula esehlukaniso akuwona umqondo omuhle uma ikhombisa ubutha noma ukungamthandi owayeyintombi yakhe. Ukumbiza ngokuthi “ umfazi ohlanyayo ” noma ukubeka wonke umthwalo wesehlukaniso kuye, ukusho izinto ezinjengokuthi wayelawula, wayengumuntu ozikhukhumezayo, noma ukumbiza ngamagama kubonisa ukungavuthwa ngokomzwelo kanye nemizwa eminingi engaxazululiwe.

Ukumuzwa ekhuluma kabi ngomkakhe kungase kukwenze ucabange ukuthi usedlulele kwi-ex yakhe kodwa kungabi kude neqiniso. Uma esakhipha intukuthelo, kungenzeka ukuthi akakanyakazi ngokomzwelo futhi angase aboshwe ngokomzwelo nowayeshade naye ngenxa yokucasuka. Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDkt. Mark McCarthy sithi: “Uma ehlala egxeka owayekade eshade naye, lokho kungase kubonise intukuthelo noma intukuthelo engaxazululeki, “Lokhu kubi kungase kungene ebuhlotsheni benu.”

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3. Uyakufihla ngokuhlukana kwakhe

Njengoba sibonile endabeni kaJulie, ukungafuni komlingani wakhe ukukhuluma ngesehlukaniso kanye nokuhlukana kwaba umthombo wokukhathazeka nokungazethembi. Yilokho okwenziwa ukuntuleka kokubonakala obala ebudlelwaneni . Kuyisibonakaliso esibomvu impela ngoba kubonisa ukuthi indoda othandana nayo ingase ibe nokuthile ekufihlayo mayelana nobunzima bokuhlukana kwayo. Uma igwema ukuxoxa ngokuhlukana kwayo noma ingacaci ngemininingwane, kungasho ukuthi ifihla izinkinga ezingakaxazululwa noma ayiqiniseki ngokuqhubeka nawe.

4. Uphuthuma ebudlelwaneni

Nakuba kungase kuzwakale kujabulisa lapho othile ekwenza ube yisikhungo somhlaba wakhe futhi ekunaka, ukugijimela ebudlelwaneni kungaba yindlela yokubhekana nobunzima bokuhlukana. UDkt. Summers uxwayisa, “Uma ephoqa ukuzibophezela kusenesikhathi, kungaba uphawu lokuthi usebenzisa ubuhlobo ukuze aziphazamise ebuhlungwini bokuhlukana kwakhe.” Lokho kungenxa yokuthi ubuhlobo obuhle budinga isikhathi ukuze bukhule.

Uma umlingani wakho ecwebezela ngaleyo nqubo futhi eqhubekisela phambili izinto ngesivinini esizizwa sinekhanda kakhulu, kufanelekile ukuthatha isikhashana ucabange ukuthi imizwa yakhe iyiqiniso yini noma uma usebenzisa ubuhlobo njengendlela yokudonsa imizwa. USarah, owahlala nomngane wakhe ababehlukene naye izinyanga ezimbili nje bephola, wakubona kabuhlungu lapho eqala ukuqaphela ukuthi wayesakhumbula i-ex yakhe nomshado wakhe. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi isiphi isihloko sengxoxo, wayehlala ekhuluma nge-ex yakhe, futhi u-Sarah waqala ukuzizwa sengathi wayengamxakile ngendlela ayemholele ngayo ukuba akholwe. 

5. Akatholakali ngokomzwelo

Esinye sezibonakaliso owesilisa ohlukanisiwe ulungele ukuphola ukuthi uyatholakala ngokomzwelo futhi usengozini nomlingani wakhe wamanje, osebenza njengesisekelo sobuhlobo obuqinile. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ubunzima bokuvula, ukugwema izingxoxo ezijulile, noma ukuba kude phakathi nezikhathi zomzwelo kuyizimpawu ezibomvu lapho ujola nendoda ehlukene. 

Lezi yizinkomba ezicacile zokuntuleka kwemizwa , okubangelwa ukungakayilungisi ngokugcwele indaba yokuhlukana komshado wakhe. “Ukungakwazi kwemizwa kuvamile kubantu abasanda kuhlukana,” kusho uDkt. McCarthy. “Bangase badinge isikhathi sokululama ngaphambi kokuba bavuleke ngokuphelele.”

6. Uyakugwema ukukhuluma ngekusasa

Uma enqikaza ukuxoxa ngekusasa nawe noma ukukhuluma ngokuthi ubudlelwano buya kuphi, kungasho ukuthi akakakulungeli ukuzibophezela noma mhlawumbe, akakayivali ngokuphelele indlela yokubuyisana nomkakhe. Uma njalo lapho ukhuluma ngendaba yokuya eholidini, ukushintshana ngokhiye bezindlu zomunye nomunye, noma ukuhlangana nabangani noma umndeni, umlingani wakho ephambuka, ngokuqinisekile kusho ukuthi akaqiniseki noma uyanqikaza ukuqhubekela phambili. “Indoda ephambuka ezinhlelweni zesikhathi esizayo ingase ingakuboni njengomlingani wesikhathi eside,” kuxwayisa u-Ava Torres.

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7. Usaboshelwe ngokwezimali ne-ex yakhe

Izibopho zezimali ezifana nama-akhawunti ahlanganyelwe, izikweletu ezihlanganyelwe, noma izingxabano eziqhubekayo ze-alipony zingaba umthombo wengxabano ngoba zidala ingcindezi futhi zinciphise ikhono lakhe lokugxila ekwakheni okuthile okusha nawe. Ngaphandle kwalokho, lapho uthola umlingani wakho ehlukanisa izikweletu noma elawula izikweletu ezihlanganyelwe nowayeshade naye, kungase kukushiye uzibuza, “Ingabe usashadile naye engqondweni yakhe?” 

Lokhu kungaletha ezinye izinkinga eziningi ebudlelwaneni . Nakuba izinkinga ezinjalo zezimali zingagwemeki ngaso sonke isikhathi ekuqedweni komshado, udinga ukucaciselwa ukuthi umlingani wakho unecebo kanye nesikhathi sokuxazulula lezi zinkinga. Uma kungenjalo, kuyisibonakaliso esibalulekile esizothinta ubuhlobo benu ngokushesha noma kamuva.

8. Izingane zakhe azinakile ngawe 

Uma senihlale ndawonye isikhathi eside futhi yena ubekhuluma ngokuzibophezela kanye nokungakhethi kodwa engabaza ukunethula ezinganeni zakhe noma ukugcina ubudlelwano benu buyimfihlo , kuyisibonakaliso esibomvu ukuthi angase angakulungeli ukubeka imali yakhe lapho umlomo wakhe ukhona.

UDkt. McCarthy uthi: “Ukukufihlela izingane zakhe kungase kubonise ukuthi akaqiniseki ngobuqotho bobuhlobo bakhe. Nakuba ukuthatha isikhathi sokwethula umlingani omusha ezinganeni kuwukuhlakanipha, imfihlo ephelele ingase ibonise ukuthi akakakulungeli ukuhlanganisa impilo yakhe endala nentsha.

9. Ukufanisa ne ex yakhe

Ekhuluma ngamafulegi abomvu lapho ejola nendoda ehlukanisiwe, lona uthatha ikhekhe ngenxa yokuthi lingase libe buhlungu noma lingasebenzi. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kuhle noma kubi, ukuqhathanisa nomuntu owayeyi ex kuwuphawu lokuthi usematasa ngokwengqondo ngobuhlobo bakhe bangaphambili futhi kungakwenza uzizwe sengathi uqhudelana nomuntu ongekho ngisho nokuba khona.

Izinkulumo ezinjengokuthi “Uyaqonda kakhulu kunowayengumngane wami wangaphambili” noma “Angikaze ngikwazi ukuvulela isifuba sami ngendlela engingayenza nawe” zingabonakala zijabulisa ekuqaleni, kodwa uma ucabanga ngakho ngempela, kusho ukuthi akakwazanga ukwenza ukuthula nesikhathi esidlule futhi ingxenye yakhe ihlala icabanga ngowayengumngane wayo wangaphambili. Mhlawumbe, usebenzisa lobu buhlobo nawe ukuqinisekisa ukukhetha kwakhe ukuhamba emshadweni wakhe.

10. Uyakugwema ukukwazisa kubangani nomndeni wakhe

Nakuba kuqondakala ngendoda eqomisana ngenkathi ihlukene nomkayo ukuze ithathe izinto kancane ebudlelwaneni bayo obusha, uma seninezinyanga ezimbalwa nindawonye noma ngisho unyaka noma ngaphezulu futhi ingakakwazisi emndenini wayo noma ikulethe embuthanweni wayo wokuxhumana nabantu, kuyifulegi elibomvu ukuthi ayinaso isiqiniseko ngobuhlobo noma iyazisola ngesinqumo sayo sokuqala ukuphola ngaphambi kokuba isehlukaniso siphothulwe. 

Noma ngabe yikuphi, lokhu kungabaza kusho ukuthi akakakulungeli ukukufaka empilweni yakhe ngokugcwele. “Lokhu kungasho ukuthi akakakulungeli ukwenza ubudlelwano bube semthethweni noma akaqiniseki ngobude balo,” kuxwayisa uDkt. Summers. Izizathu zingase zihluke kodwa iphuzu elibalulekile ukuthi uma edonsa izinyawo zakhe ekwamukeleni eqenjini lakhe elingaphakathi labantu, unokungabaza kwakhe ngalobu budlelwano futhi kungaba ukuhlakanipha ngawe ukungabeki ithemba lakho kubo kuze kube sekupheleni kwesikhathi eside.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Asikwazanga Ukuqeda Ubudlelwano Bethu Futhi Asiboni Ikusasa Ndawonye

11. Usabambe iqhaza kakhulu empilweni ye-ex yakhe

Nakuba ukukhulisana ngokubambisana noma imithwalo yemfanelo ehlanganyelwe kungadinga ukuxhumana okulinganiselwe nowayengumlingani wakhe, ukuxhumana ngokweqile kungabonisa ubudlelwano obuqhubekayo ngokomzwelo. Uma eqaphela ukuthi owayengumlingani wakhe uyathandana noma cha nokuthi ubani, uma ehlola ukuthi uphilile yini, uyazama ukumsekela uma engaphilile kahle noma ephansi ngokomzwelo, le mingcele engemihle nowayengumlingani wakhe iyisibonakaliso esicacile sokuthi angase abe nemizwa ngaye. Lokhu kunamathelana okuhlala isikhathi eside kungaphazamisa ikhono lakho lokwakha ubuhlobo ngokwemigomo yakho.

Amathiphu angu-9 Wokuzulazula Ukuthandana Nendoda Ehlukene

Uma ubona noma yimaphi amafulege abomvu acwazimulayo lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe, isincomo sami kungaba ukuthi usike ukulahlekelwa kwakho bese uhamba. Umuntu ongazange azinike isikhathi sokuvala isahluko esibalulekile sempilo, alilele ukulahlekelwa kwaso, abhekane nosizi, futhi azindle ngokuthi ungakhula kanjani kusukela kokuhlangenwe nakho akakwazi neze ukuba uzakwethu omfanele. Ngaphandle kwalokho, yonke leyo drama ivela ebudlelwaneni obungaxazululiwe kanye nokushayisana kwemizwa akufanelekile. 

Ngisho noma esekwenzile okudingekayo futhi abonise zonke izimpawu zendoda ehlukanisiwe isilungele ukuphola, kungase kube nezinkinga ezingokomzwelo nezokusebenza ezingathinta ubuhlobo bakho naye. Yingakho ukuthandana nendoda ehlukene kudinga ukuzulazula ngokucophelela. Nawa amanye amathiphu asekelwe uchwepheshe ukuze akusize ulawule lokhu okuguquguqukayo ngempumelelo.

1. Qonda isimo sakhe sokuhlukana

Kubalulekile ukucacisa ukuthi umi kuphi enqubweni yokwehlukana. Ingabe usanda kuhlukana, noma sekunesikhathi? Ingabe isehlukaniso sesiqediwe? Le mininingwane ingakhombisa ukuthi usekulungele kangakanani ubudlelwano obusha. UDkt. Summers uyachaza, “Umugqa wesikhathi wokuhlukana ubalulekile ngoba indoda esanda kuhlukana ingase isacubungula imizwelo enjengosizi, umuzwa wecala, noma intukuthelo.” Ukuze uqonde ngempela ukuthi umi kuphi ngokuphathelene nokwehlukana, akumele ungabaze ukubuza imibuzo efana nokuthi, 

• Sekunjani lokhu kuhlukana kwakho kuze kube manje?
• Ingabe uzizwa ukulungele ukuqhubeka?
• Kukho konke okwenzekayo empilweni yakho, ucabanga ukuthi ungazenzela isikhala? ubudlelwano obusha?
• Ingabe uqinisekile ukuthi ukwehlukana kungunaphakade noma ucabanga ukuthi sikhona indawo yokubuyisana?

 Lokhu kuzomnikeza ithuba lokwabelana ngesimo sakhe somzwelo kanye nezinqubo ezihilelekile.

2. Beka imingcele ecacile

Ukubeka imingcele ecacile kubalulekile lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukene ukuze uchaze ubudlelwano futhi uqinisekise ukuthi awudonseleki ezindabeni ezingaxazululiwe njengokuxhumana kwayo nowayengumlingani wayo noma imithwalo yemfanelo yokukhulisa izingane. “Imingcele ibalulekile ekuqinisekiseni ukuthi uzizwa uhlonishwa futhi uvikelekile ngenkathi iqhubeka nokuhlukana kwayo,” kusho u-Ava Torres.

Ngokwesibonelo, uma owayekade eshade naye efona noma ethumela imiyalezo nganoma isiphi isikhathi lapho edinga ukuxoxa ngokuthile ngezingane futhi kukukhathaza ukuthi kudla isikhathi esihle senu ndawonye, ​​xoxani ngokubeka kuqala isikhathi senu ndawonye. Ungabeka iphuzu lakho ngobumnene ngokusho into efana nokuthi, "Ngiyaqonda ukuthi unezibopho, kodwa ngingathanda ukuthi sidale isikhathi esingaphazamiseki somunye nomunye."

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izibonelo Eziyi-9 Zemingcele Yemizwa Ebudlelwaneni

3. Thatha kancane

Njengoba sesixoxile, ukushesha ebudlelwaneni kungase kusho ukuthi indoda ehlukene nomuntu izama ukugwema ukubhekana nobuhlungu obungokomzwelo noma ikusebenzisa njengethuluzi lokubhekana nesikhathi esinzima empilweni yayo. Yingakho, uma uzizwa sengathi iqhubekisela phambili izinto ngesivinini ongakhululekile ngaso, phikelela ekunciphiseni ijubane lobudlelwano.

UDkt. McCarthy uyeluleka, “Sheshisa ubuhlobo ngendlela ezwakalayo futhi evumela isikhala sokuba nobabili nikhulume ngemizwelo yenu ngokwethembeka.” Lokhu kuzokuvumela ukuthi wakhe ukwethembana nokulinganisa ukuhambisana. Ungakwenza lokhu ngokusetha izigigaba ezincane njengokuhlangana nabangane bakhe abaseduze noma ukuba nengxoxo mayelana nokuhluka kuphela lapho nobabili ninethezekile.

4. Hlola ukutholakala kwakhe ngokomzwelo

Indoda ehlukene nomkakhe ingase isaphatheke kabi futhi ingakakulungeli ukutshala imali ebuhlotsheni obusha. Ngaphambi kokuba utshale kakhulu ngokomzwelo, funa izimpawu zokuthi indoda ehlukene isilungele ukuthandana njengekhono layo lokukhulumisana ngokukhululekile nokusingatha izingxabano ngendlela evuthiwe.

Phawula indlela asabela ngayo ezingxoxweni ezithinta inhliziyo. Uma ezigwema noma evala, kungase kubonise ukuthi akakakulungeli ngokugcwele. Lokho kuwuphawu lwakho lokuhlola kabusha ukuthi ufuna ukutshala malini kulobu budlelwano. 

5. Gwema ukuba yi-rebound

Uma eqomisana ukuze aziphazamise ebuhlungu noma enesizungu, usengozini yokuba yisizungu. Ubudlelwano obubuyela emuva bungase buzizwe bushubile ekuqaleni kodwa ngokuvamile buntula ukuzinza kwesikhathi eside. UDkt. Summers uyaxwayisa, “Qaphela ubuhlobo obuhamba ngokushesha noma obunomuzwa wokuthi busekelwe kuphela ekuncikeni ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo.” Ukuze wenze isiqiniseko sokuthi awehli kulo mgodi onogwaja wobuhlungu bemizwa: 

• Bheka ukujula ngale i-chemistry yokuqala
• Bheka ukuthi usekulungele yini ukutshala imali ebudlelwaneni
• Buza ngezinhloso zakhe zokuthandana 
• Qinisekisa ukuthi zihambisana nezakho

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ingabe Ubudlelwano Obubuyela Emuva Buyasebenza?

6. Zilungiselele umthwalo

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uchithe isikhathi esingakanani nomzamo ekubhekaneni nezinkinga zakhe ezingokomzwelo kanye nokuphulukiswa ekulahlekelweni komshado ongasebenzi, nakanjani kuzoba khona umthwalo. Ngaphandle kwemithwalo engokomzwelo , kukhona futhi umthwalo wezokuthutha ohilela izindaba zomthetho eziqhubekayo, ukukhulisa izingane ngokubambisana, noma izibopho zezimali.

Kufanele ukhumbule ukuthi lezi zici zingaba nomthelela ebudlelwaneni bakho futhi ulungele ukweseka umlingani wakho. “Akudingeki ulungise izinkinga zakhe, kodwa kufanele ukulungele ukubhekana nobunzima obuhambisana nesimo sakhe,” kusho u-Ava Torres. Ngokwesibonelo, uma ebhekene namalungiselelo okugcinwa kwengane, sekela kodwa futhi ugomele ngokuthi kungakanani ukubandakanyeka ozizwa ukhululekile ngawe.

7. Hlonipha izibopho zakhe zokuba umzali ohlanganyela naye

Uma enezingane, ngokuqondakalayo zizoba yinto eza kuqala. Kodwa-ke, lokhu akusho ukuthi izidingo zakho kufanele zibekwe eceleni. Ngenxa yalokho, udinga ukuxoxa ngezikhathi ezithile bese ubeka okulindelwe ebudlelwaneni kusenesikhathi, ngokwethembeka nangokuvuthiwe. Isibonelo, khuluma ngokuthi,

• Nizosiphatha kanjani isikhathi sobabili uma sekuyithuba lakhe lokuba nezingane 
• Lapho ezizwa ekhululekile ukukwazisa ezinganeni 
• Hlobo luni lwendima ongase uyidlale ezimpilweni zabo 
• Indlela yokusingatha izinguquko zomzuzu wokugcina ngenxa yezidingo zezingane zakhe ngaphandle kokudala ukucasuka

8. Ungawazibi amafulegi abomvu

Ngisho noma izinto ziqala kahle (njengoba zivame ukwenza), qiniseka ukuthi unaka amafulege abomvu lapho uthandana nendoda ehlukanisiwe njengoba futhi lapho zivela-kungaba ukuhileleka ngokweqile nowayeshade naye, ukugwema izingxoxo ezingathi sína, ukungatholakali ngokomzwelo, noma ukuntuleka kwemingcele ne-ex. Futhi ukhulume nabo ngaphandle kokulibala. 

Ngokwesibonelo, uma ubona ukuthi umngane wakho womshado usehileleke kakhulu ekuphileni kowayeshade naye, yithi, “Ngiye ngaqaphela ukuthi ukhuluma futhi uchitha isikhathi esiningi nomuntu owake wathandana naye, futhi ngingathanda ukuqonda ukuthi kwenzakalani. Singaxoxa ngakho?”

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Ukukhukhuleka Kwemizwa: Kusho Ukuthini Ebudlelwaneni?

9. Beka kuqala inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo

Ngaphezu kwakho konke, beka phambili ukuzigcina nokuvikela inhlalakahle yakho engokomzwelo. Kulula ukubhajwa ezinseleleni zomunye umuntu, kodwa ungavumeli ukuthi zidlule injabulo yakho nempilo yakho engokomzwelo. “ Ubuhlobo obuhle buqala ngabantu ababili abaphelele. Ungazilahli ngenkathi uzama ukusekela omunye umuntu,” kusho u-Ava Torres. Beka imingcele ukuqinisekisa ukuthi unesikhathi namandla okutshala imali kuwe futhi ubeke phambili:

• Izindlela zokuzinakekela
• Ukuzilibazisa
• ubungane
• Izifiso kanye nemigomo

Imicabango Final 

Ukuqomisana nendoda ehlukene kungasebenza uma nobabili nisondela ebuhlotsheni ngokwethembeka, ukubekezela, nokulungela ngokomzwelo. Ngokubeka imingcele, ukuthatha kancane, futhi ubeke phambili ukuxhumana okuvulekile, ungakha uxhumano oluhlonipha kokubili isimo sakhe nezidingo zakho. Ngaphezu kwakho konke, themba imizwelo yakho engokwemvelo—inhlalakahle yakho ibaluleke njengeyakhe.

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Izizathu Ezingu-15 Ezivamile Zesehlukaniso

Umnikelo wakho awuyona iminikelo yokusiza . Kuzovumela i-Bonobology ukuthi iqhubeke nokukulethela ulwazi olusha nolusesikhathini njengoba sifuna ukusiza noma ubani emhlabeni ukuthi afunde ukwenza noma yini.

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