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I like casual sex. Yes, I do. And I have no shame in admitting that. People like food, flowers, fashion… then why can’t I like enjoying a good session in bed? Living without it for five long years was one of the hardest life lessons I had to endure.
And I mean complete deprivation. No kiss. No hug. Not even a handshake (ouch…). I was not the kind then to indulge in casual sex although I discovered its virtues later. Hooking up really turned around how I felt about the concept of casual sex.
A Failing Marriage Was The Stepping Stone To Casual Sex
I was in a sexless marriage. It’s not to say that sex was not there initially. There was. But then it fizzled out way too quickly. When the sex stopped, so did the intimacy.
Cheating or the idea of casual sex with others never crossed my mind because I strongly believe in monogamy. In fact, in all my previous relationships before marriage, I had been extremely committed to my partners. And it’s something I pride myself in, up until today.
Coming back to my marriage – it did unfortunately end and I was pretty much left on my own, as a single mom.
I was like a born-again virgin
I was convinced that I’d die a born-again-virgin. Every fun test I took on Facebook, which told you about your ideal profession, turned out to be a debacle. I was convinced that these guys were secretly monitoring my private life. Do you want to know the test results? Well, read on.
“Rashmi, your ideal job is a NUN.” Or better still… “Rashmi, you’re 99% saint and 1% naughty!” The impact of these juvenile tests created by some 20-something-loser was so profound on me that I actually sat up one whole night crying to my girlfriend about how my period of drought is a bottomless pit of unirrigated, coarse, untended dry land!
At the end of our chat, we both had a good laugh at the choice of my words… But it was as good as it lasted. Night after night, morning after morning, my patch was arid!
I kept living a sexless life
This continued for five years. I had begun to accept my sexless life as a sex-diet life. People around me were indulging in casual sex but it never fascinated me then. I had stopped looking in the mirror. I made a public announcement that Whoopi Goldberg offered me the lead in Sister Act 3.
I had forgotten how a man’s lips, or his hands or his hair felt like. My tiny son’s baby arms were the only man’s arms that wrapped around my body to be held or fed or put to bed. And I have been blessed to be a mommy, but I was also something more. I was a woman and I really wanted to feel like one.
And it was at that moment I knew something had to change.
I took things in my hands
Game on. I lost some weight. Spent $800 on hair makeover, another $200 on new clothes, but most importantly, I decided to treat myself well. And the money was all worth it.
I jumped into online dating and that usually is the place where people find a lot of casual sex. I was not looking around to “find the one” but to find MYSELF. I needed to know if I was ready. I needed something to make me feel desirable. In demand. In need.
I was quite flattered to realize that a lot of men did want to date me. And I am not talking about the aging, balding, rounded tummy kinds. I am talking about some seriously hot guys who were also “conventionally” doing well. This reassured me that dating for divorcees is not a lost cause.
Like, one Indo-Brit-Canadian doctor and I were hooking up and we got really funky a few times.
Then there was another Indo-African-Canadian lawyer with whom I spent some steamy moments at the Canadian Rockies. On another occasion, there was this Canadian DJ who’d begun to worship me. On many nights he had dedicated some romantic songs to me while scratching the disc with one hand and holding me with the other.
I realized that this was just the beginning of my casual sex journey. Hooking up was working out well for me and I did truly enjoy it. After a short break from the dating website, when I decided to have another dig at it, I indulged in some exoticism: right from Egyptian to Scottish.
It was casual sex with no emotion
But in spite of all this joie de vivre, my life seemed incomplete. I was facing that same elephant that most, if not all, women face. The beast that we all choose to ignore.
This beast is called the beast of emotions. Love. Fondness. Attachment. Security. Stability. And if you’re reading this and if you’re a woman, you’ll know what I am talking about.
With most of these men, I had great sexcapades, but neither of us was willing to fall in love. While the irony is that somewhere deep down, they and I were shooting for the same stars.
If you think about it deeply, casual sex could not make up for all our needs. We all wanted acceptance. Just one desperate evening to be held. Just one tender kiss on the forehead.
Only sex is also beautiful
And my moment of epiphany kicked in when I realized that I should not necessarily look for LOVE in a man I had SEX with. And like I said, for most women it is obvious, but it is also extremely crucial and beautiful to let sex remain sex.
Why do I say this? Well, because you truly need to know if you’re REALLY in love with the man before you can put your heart out, or is it the release of estrogen that’s making you cry after sex.
Casual sex is powerful
I am an extremely emotional and sensitive woman and I know exactly how it feels when you start checking your phone every hour after that previous night. So don’t get me wrong here. Emotions are important. But so is sex. Especially if you’re one like me who knows what the lack of it means.
So casual sex is powerful. Potent. Magical. Don’t kick it away to fulfill your emotions.
People often think that hooking up is immoral or that casual sex is emotionless but that is hardly the case. Casual sex takes care of our primal needs and if you’re lucky, it can also provide you a decent companionship if not love.
Even after getting the attention, I craved for in years (now from the same sex too. Thanks to Canada!) I haven’t stopped working on myself – physically, emotionally, creatively and spiritually.
Dos And Don’ts Of Hooking Up Casually
| Dos | Don’ts |
| Clear communication: When you hook up casually, keep communication extremely clear. This helps avoid any confusion regarding your intentions or where you want to take the relationship. You wouldn’t want communication problems to ruin what you share. | Disrespect: Even though casual sex is your end goal, you must not in any way demean or disrespect your hook up partner. If they share something that is important to them, don’t turn them away. Listen, be kind and be present. |
| Set boundaries: Casual sex requires understanding the sexual boundaries of your partner well. Since most of your exchange is sexual, you must pay attention to the sexual needs of the other person to make it a beautiful experience for both of you. | Go overboard with experimentation: During casual sex, you must not try to go overboard with the things you want to try out. This kind of sexual relationship is a place to practice things you already enjoy and not specifically an arena to experiment. |
| Respect partner’s choices: Always be aware of your partner’s comforts and choices. During casual sex you must be able to read a room well. If they don’t want to have sex, they are not obligated to do so. It is not necessary to indulge in sex every time that you are together. | Compromise on safety: Practicing safety is active sex life 101. This becomes even more critical when you’re hooking up casually. Not using protection can expose both you and your partner to risk of an unwanted pregnancy as well as STDs. So, no matter what the circumstances, don’t compromise on safety. |
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