19 Sure Signs Your Boyfriend Is Not Sexually Attracted To You

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This is a sticky topic for sure. You don’t want to go around looking for signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you. We get it. That’s why we’ll help you look. However, sexual attraction can mean different things to different people, so it’s important for both of you to lay all your cards on the table before making any hasty decisions.

As one Quora user sums up, “It can be difficult to determine whether your partner is not attracted to you, as attraction can be influenced by a variety of factors and can fluctuate over time.” We asked expert Dhriti Bhavsar, counselor, M.Sc in Clinical Psychology, to weigh in with the signs and the path ahead.

19 Heartbreaking Signs Your Boyfriend Is Not Sexually Attracted To You

If you’re starting to see the signs he doesn’t want you sexually, then maybe what he’s going through is a natural dissolution of limerence. The theory of limerence was coined by psychologist and philosopher Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence. Limerence, in the early stages of falling in love, is characterized by a period of intense emotion and arousal. Dhriti says, “This is not a sustainable state. Eventually, it will fade. However, if the relationship lasts after this state of lowered sexual interest, it will give way to deeper emotional intimacy.

“When you see the signs your man is not sexually attracted to you, apart from the end of limerence, it could also be due to the following factors: work stress, conflicts, and resentment, pregnancy, loss or grief, sickness, financial problems, or even just wear and tear of time. But through it all, the hope is that the two of you are together, working as a team through whatever life throws at you.” Now that we know about some of the possible causes of his disinterest in you, let’s look at the definitive signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you:

Related Reading: 13 Female Physical Features That Attract A Man Immensely

1. No physical touch to express comfort or love

Not surprisingly, one of the most telling signs that a guy is not attracted to you is the lack of physical contact. If the sexual attraction is on the wane, or he doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore, all forms of physical intimacy disappear. And it’s not only about sexual activity.

When you start to date a guy, you get to know what he’s sexually attracted to. But there are also simple gestures of physical affection between two partners. If these, too, are reduced, there may be a problem. So, tell us, does he do any of the following anymore?

  • Playfully pats you on the bottom
  • Holds you around your waist
  • Pecks you on the cheek
  • Holds your hand
  • Hugs you
  • Ruffles your hair
  • Wants to sit close to you
  • Wants to fall asleep next to you

According to Dhriti, when these gestures leave the relationship, “It is one of the saddest signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you. He’s creating physical distance between the two of you to prevent even a whisper of an emotional connection. And why would he do this? The harsh truth is it’s because he’s lost sexual interest.”

2. There is no sex anymore

Several Reddit threads on this topic have a whole lot of conflicting advice. For example, for women asking, “Why won’t my boyfriend have sex with me, or why do I have to beg my boyfriend to sleep with me?”, the consensus is that when a guy is not sexually attracted to you, he won’t initiate sex. In fact, he might go out of his way to avoid sex altogether. He is no longer interested in flirting or foreplay, and the sexual attraction is zero.

There’s also a school of thought that believes, “Some people just don’t have high sex drives. Some people are asexual and have no desire to have sex at all. It is normal for people to feel this way.” So what do you do when the sex has disappeared? One Reddit user suggests digging deeper if you want to: “It sounds like he’s not sexually interested in you. There could be several reasons. Asexual? Low libido, homosexual but hasn’t come to terms with it?” You might need to get to the root of the problem and care for your needs.

when a guy is not sexually attracted to you
Sex has just disappeared from your relationship

3. One of the signs a guy is not attracted to you: The sex is not good!

The question “Why won’t my boyfriend have sex with me?” has changed into “Why is the sex so bad?” It’s because when the sex does happen, it’s either disconnected, awkward or just unpleasant. When he doesn’t want to sleep with you, but you both get intimate anyway, the odds are that he is no longer interested in satisfying you in bed or catering to your sexual desires. When sexual acts become routine and forced, they are the clearest signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you. Things have certainly reached a low point in your relationship.

4. He avoids spending time with you

Before physical intimacy occurs, it is completely normal for two people to want to spend time with each other. As Dhriti explains, “In the early days of your relationship, it must have been easy to see the signs he is sexually attracted to you. Spending time with each other would have been high on each other’s priority lists. But now, you find your boyfriend making all sorts of excuses to avoid being alone with you.” If he’s no longer attracted to you, he might:

  • Spend more time by himself
  • Make excuses to avoid date nights and quality time with you
  • Stop making eye contact
  • Act self-conscious around you
  • Avoid terms of endearment

Related Reading: When Your Partner Finds Someone Else Attractive

5. He is vocal about your physical appearance

We don’t mean this in a positive way. When sexual desire is non-existent, he will likely distance himself from you. A friend of mine often complained, “My boyfriend loves me but is not sexually attracted to me. He keeps giving me advice on how to improve myself and change. Why is he even with me?” If this resonates with you, let’s see the top signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you:

  • He criticizes your looks and physical appearance. He makes negative comments
  • He does not compliment you anymore and you don’t remember the last time he told you how good you look
  • His body language indicates his disinterest in your looks
  • You regularly make excuses like, “My boyfriend is not attracted to me because of my weight, and can you really blame him?” or “He still loves me but doesn’t seem like he’s sexually attracted to me.”

6. He’s silent about sex in general

A few signs a guy is not attracted to you: Maybe he doesn’t like your body. Maybe he’s going through something. Maybe he’s losing romantic feelings for you. Whatever it is, he probably won’t indulge in any sexy talk or risque double entendres. Even the neighbor’s sex life is off-limits in your gossip sessions now.

Sadly, when he’s no longer sexually attracted to you, he wouldn’t want to spend time talking about your (or anyone’s) sex life. He may even avoid referring to anything vaguely sexual in case it leads to a difficult conversation. Because let’s face it, he knows, and you know, there are relationship problems. But both of you are doing everything you can to avoid an open and honest conversation about it.

7. He starts treating you like a buddy

Instead of his romantic partner or love interest, you notice he has started calling you names like “dude” or “pal.” It’s understandable that in a long-term relationship, it is not possible to keep up the cutesy names and love language every day, but being referred to as “bro” out of the blue and then consistently called such things is a clear sign that he’s just not sexually attracted anymore. Also, if you find yourself asking others, “Why do I have to beg my boyfriend to sleep with me?”, things look dire already.

8. He’s ignoring his appearance

According to a report by the CDC, “If you have noticed your partner putting on the pounds and not caring about it, it may be one reason why your sex life is stalling.” What are the other top signs that a man is into you? Let’s see:

  • He looks his best around you
  • He puts an effort into his grooming
  • He dresses up when he’s with you
  • He pays attention to what you like him to wear and how you like him to look

“But if he no longer tries to be clean, groomed, and well-dressed when he’s with you, it’s a sign he’s losing interest and does not find you attractive anymore,” says Dhriti. If you want to give him the benefit of doubt, poor hygiene can also be a sign of other issues, such as poor mental health. So, it’s up to you to read the signs right and tackle these relationship problems at the root.

Related Reading: 21 Kinky Foreplay Games To Turn Up The Heat

9. One of the signs he doesn’t want you sexually: He’s always picking a fight

When a guy is not sexually attracted to you anymore, it may seem like he’s constantly irritated with you. Suddenly, every little thing annoys him, and the negative comments keep coming. His patience is at an all-time low; he’s ready to argue about anything, and he uses sarcasm and snide comments to push you away.

Yes, it is normal to feel hurt about this and want to fight back. However, it’s high time you both have that much-needed open and honest conversation about the real cause of conflicts — one of them being his lack of sexual desire.

More on spice it up

10. He’s going out of his way to put distance between you both

If he wants to avoid all forms of physical intimacy, he’s probably making every effort to stay as far away from you as possible. It could look like this:

  • He goes to bed at a different time than you
  • He leaves for work early or comes back very late
  • He makes excuses and begs off plans with friends
  • He sits far away from you while watching television or at the table
  • He avoids sex or any type of sexual encounters

These are all pretty clear signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you.

Related Reading: How To Make Him Miss You And Commit To You

11. He has difficulty with his sexual performance

When it comes to the sensitive topic of sexual interest and your dwindling sex life, try to recall this: Has your boyfriend initiated sex even though he has trouble maintaining his erection? Does he complain of a disappearing sex drive? If yes, then it might be a physiological problem.

A study indicates that almost 150 million men globally have ED or erectile dysfunction. It is also attributed as one of the main causes of lack of sexual interest. It is a big deal for men, no matter how much you try to convince them otherwise. It is important to understand how to handle the strong feelings associated with erectile dysfunction. An in-depth study on the impact of ED on men shows an increase in:

“It’s no surprise, then, that a man’s sexual prowess and drive will suffer as a result. That said, if he is physically healthy and has no mental health issues, the lack of erections could be an indicator of low sexual attraction,” adds Dhriti.

12. He prefers masturbation over sex

In a study on the impact of masturbation on relationships, a connection between masturbation and pornography use was discovered. A higher frequency of self-pleasuring in heterosexual males often led to low relationship intimacy. “Why do I have to beg my boyfriend to sleep with me, especially when I know he still masturbates? He clearly has the required desire, just not for me,” Marion, a 26-year-old bartender, writes to us in despair.

One of the signs a guy is not attracted to you is when he ‘always’ prefers to pleasure himself over spending sexy time with you. It’s a definite indicator that all is not right. And if he’s rejecting your advances of physical intimacy and choosing to masturbate, there’s no hiding from the harsh truth that he’s just not sexually attracted to you anymore.

Related Reading: Vanilla Relationship – Everything You Need To Know About

13. He only wants sex when he’s drunk or high

If your partner regularly abuses alcohol or drugs or uses these intoxicants as fuel to initiate sex with you, it’s time to take note. Don’t just feel bad; rather, ask yourself the hard questions:

  • Is he an addict?
  • Is he struggling with his mental health?
  • Is this a problem that needs intervention?
  • Does he need to be “out of himself” to be with me?
  • Does the sex make me happy?

This checklist can offer you valuable insights. And then, take the necessary steps, whether it’s reaching out to a mental health practitioner or doctor, or asking a loved one for support and guidance.

14. Signs your man is not sexually attracted to you: He flirts with other women

This might be a controversial opinion, but if a man is truly into you, he won’t spend his time looking at other women at all. And we are not talking about some innocent, admiring glances here. If your man openly flirts with other women (in front of you or otherwise), it’s a sign to stand up — and walk out. This is one of the most infuriating signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you and it should be addressed at the earliest.

15. He constantly talks about other women

In much the same way, if he constantly talks about other women and is vocal about how they turn him on, how good they look, or how different they are from you — it’s pretty evident that he’s not happy with what he has. This, in turn, translates into a lack of physical intimacy and sexual interest for you. Clearly, he has no regard for your feelings either.

Related Reading: Why Do Guys Distance Themselves After Intimacy?

16. He seems embarrassed to be seen with you

You find yourself proclaiming quite often, “My boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually anymore.” In that case, he might already be telling the world he’s not into you, especially if he does any of the following:

  • He avoids going out with you
  • He keeps canceling dates or plans to go to nice places
  • He walks apart from you
  • He never holds your hand in public
  • He’s always on his phone when he’s out with you

These are some of the basic signs your man is not sexually attracted to you. He’s indicating that he’d rather be anywhere else and with anyone else but you.

why wont my boyfriend have sex with me
He tries to avoid being in your presence let alone having physical intimacy

17. You suspect he’s cheating on you

“What to do if my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually anymore?” — We ask Dhriti to address this query. First, tell us: Have you experienced any of the following during this sexless relationship phase?

  • He spends too much time with another person
  • He mentions them all the time
  • He’s always on the phone and keeps his phone away from you
  • He works late or on the weekends
  • He’s suddenly paying attention to his appearance but doesn’t care for your compliments
  • He’s dressing differently
  • He’s lying about his actions
  • He’s into pornography

These might point to the signs he doesn’t want you sexually. “Please know that it’s not about you but all about him. Whether you suspect infidelity or have the proof, just remember his lack of sexual attraction has nothing to do with the person you are. Rather, it’s all about him and his new sexual interest,” our expert advises.

Related Reading: 5 Reasons Why Intimacy Among Couples Fades And How You Can Prevent It

18. You’ve done everything, and still nothing

Let’s discuss some of the signs your boyfriend is not sexually attracted to you: He may have been passing subtle hints or not-so-subtle negative comments about your physical appearance, behavior, habits, and lifestyle. As a result, you have done everything to change. You are bending over backward to please this man and it has not resulted in any change on his part. It’s probably too late to save the relationship, so please take some proactive steps to regain self-confidence.

19. One of the most important signs he doesn’t want you sexually: You just feel things are off

Never underestimate your instinct. Gut feelings are more often than not accurate when it comes to “just knowing” that things are not ok. Take a long, hard look at your relationship and be brutally honest with yourself before taking the next step toward reconciliation or walking out.

Eliza, a medical intern from Philadelphia, says, “My boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually anymore. He’s starting to show signs of disinterest and even seems disgusted around me. When I ask him about it, he denies it all. But I just know the truth. I’m in hell.” If you can relate to her, take stock of your situation immediately.

It’s time to stop living in denial. If any (or all) of the above signs are occurring in your relationship, we urge you to take the necessary steps to either remedy the issues or move on.

Related Reading: 7 Reasons Showering Together Is Great For Intimacy And How To Do It Right

What To Do When A Guy Is Not Sexually Attracted To You

If your common refrain is “My boyfriend doesn’t seem sexually interested in me anymore,” and you recognize a majority of the signs mentioned above, it’s time to process the problems and work through them — one way or the other. Some of the ways you can do this include:

  • Sit down and have a brutally honest conversation with him
  • Make an effort to try something new
  • Try and bring back the spark with sexy lingerie, date nights, or even adventure-filled erotic roleplays to get those hormones pumping again
  • Look into any legitimate reasons behind his sexual disinterest, like a lingering conflict or disrespectful attitude on your end
  • Depression, anxiety, impotence, drug or alcohol abuse, past trauma, and even medicines can affect a person’s sex drive. Find out what’s going on
  • Couple’s counseling is always a good option
  • When your self-esteem and mental health are affected, it’s time to weigh the pros and cons and protect your happiness. Seek support and don’t isolate yourself
  • Decide when it’s time to cut your losses and leave

Dhriti also suggests:

  • Redefining sex and relationships, and what they mean to both of you
  • Using alternatives to meet your sexual needs such as intimate gadgets
  • Looking outside the traditional ideas of what sex is and how one gets pleasure
  • Communicating your needs openly, no matter how awkward it gets
  • Meeting each other halfway and compromising on expectations
  • Empathizing versus judging
  • Scheduling sex and alone time
  • Reaching out to an expert to help you through any blocks

Key Pointers

  • If “my boyfriend loves me but is not sexually attracted to me” is a common complaint in your life, you need to read the signs closely before you take any step
  • Signs he doesn’t want you sexually: Lack of physical touch, no conversation around sex, he treats you more like a friend than lover, and he is more interested in other women
  • If this sounds familiar, there are remedial steps you can take — such as having an honest discussion, opting for therapy or, if all else fails, leaving the relationship
  • While every long-term relationship goes through ups and downs, a complete avoidance of intimacy is not normal
  • Sometimes, relationships may need extra help getting back on track. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth the effort or not

Dhriti reminds us, “Not everyone experiences sexual attraction in the same way. You may need to look out for subtle signs he IS sexually attracted to you if he’s just different from most of the people you’ve dated before. But also, please take into consideration factors such as current stressors, emotional and mental well-being, age, substance abuse, feelings of anger, resentment, depression, or anxiety. All of these can affect and cause phases of sexual attraction.”

If your relationship is meant to survive, your only recourse is to face the problem head-on by communicating with each other and then dealing with the situation at hand. It doesn’t pay to imagine reasons or make excuses for behaviors that are not fulfilling for either of you.

FAQs

1. Can a man be in love with you but not sexually attracted to you?

According to Dhriti, the simple answer is yes. Sexuality is a flexible spectrum. Not every relationship starts off with all guns a-blazing. For sexual attraction to build, other factors, such as emotional intimacy and time, need to be in place as well. Dhriti urges couples to give things time. Remember that every person has different needs and past romantic relationships may affect the present. It is best not to give undue importance to only sexual attraction. 

2. How can I make my boyfriend sexually attracted to me again?

First, decide whether it’s worth the effort. If the relationship is still worth saving, there are steps you can take — such as making an effort to be more ‘attractive,’ buying sexy lingerie, learning new tricks in bed, and making couple time and date nights non-negotiable. But at the end of the day, we also urge you to take care of your needs. If your man is making you feel bad about yourself and you spend all your time questioning his motives and actions, it may be better just to move on.

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