Courting vs dating: what exactly is the difference between the two? After all, everyone is familiar with the term ‘dating’ but the word ‘courting’ sounds like something that belongs in the Shakespearan age. However, courting isn’t as obsolete a concept as it is made out to be. But how exactly are the two different? And is progressing from dating to courting a rite of passage for a relationship to evolve?
To put the courting vs dating differences in perspective, consider this: Have you ever gone on a first date and instantly imagined yourself getting married to that person? Or, ever gotten yourself in a situation where you just wanted to ‘hang out’ but the other person got way too serious, way too soon?
Yes, this happens often. This is why it’s very important to be on the same page as your partner. The last thing you want is to be offered an engagement ring in your champagne, when all you wanted to do was “Netflix n Chill, bro!”
Ever heard your mother saying “Kid, the courtship period is the most important” ? Or are your friends constantly pushing you to get back into the ‘dating scene’? Courting vs dating? What’s your vibe? Which one of these are you looking for? And how are they different from each other? Here are the answers to all your questions regarding courtship vs relationship.
What Does It Mean To Court Someone?
Courtship vs relationship: which one is closer to marriage? William Congreve had rightly said, “Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.” As he described it, it’s basically the cherry on top of the cake, the cake being marriage.
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So, what is courting? The dictionary defines ‘courting someone’ as being “involved with (someone) romantically, with the intention of marrying.” This implies that courting someone involves a level of seriousness and future commitment. It is a clear intention to settle down and work towards the direction of spending your life with someone.
Have your parents told you about the couple of months preceding their marriage where your dad would write love letters to your mom or sneak her out to get to know her more? Yes, that was their courtship period.
What does it mean to court someone? Or what are the courting stages? Traditionally, it meant that if a guy liked a girl, he went and asked her father for her hand. Only after her father’s consent could they conduct their relationship. The main idea, in the religious sense, was that the relationship should be granted sanctity and conducted under an authoritative eye – whether it was the family or the church.
Remember what happens at the end of Pride and Prejudice, when Mr. Darcy goes to Elizabeth’s father to ask for his permission, immediately after he confesses his love to her? After receiving his blessings, they were free to court. These are the courting stages.
However, research shows that courtship rules have changed over time. The role of parents and family elders as matchmakers has been weakening. In fact, the never-married population over the age of 40 is increasing in Asian countries. Also, dating apps have literally changed the world of courting and dating.
What Is Dating?
To fully understand the courtship vs dating differences, you also need clarity on what exactly it means to date someone. Dating is a more modern approach. As the movement for Feminism and Women’s Rights grew, it was reiterated that the daughter was not her father’s ‘property’ and therefore did not need his permission for falling in love with a guy.
Dating, in the modern era, is a term used for everything from casual to serious relationships. When someone says “We are dating”, it means that they are figuring it out, as they go. Dating may or may not lead to marriage, depending on how serious and compatible the two people are with each other.
What is dating? As the name suggests, a couple goes out on ‘dates’ with each other and does fun activities together like watching movies, shopping, going on drives, etc. The families may or may not know, but the interaction of couples’ families comes at a very later stage or may not even come at all, depending on where the relationship goes.
Dating, hence, is a very broad term, encompassing a wide variety of equations. Can dating be casual? Can it be non-exclusive? Can it be serious? It can be anything. It all depends on what you and your partner have agreed upon and dating is basically an opportunity for a person to understand what they are looking for in a partner. It can be an experimentation where lessons are learnt or it might even lead you to finding the love of your life.
Moira Weigel, in her book Labour of Love: The Invention of Dating, aptly says, “If marriage is the long-term contract that many daters still hope to land, dating itself often feels like the worst, most precarious form of contemporary labor: an unpaid internship.”
This book also talks about how dating itself has evolved from, “I’ll pick you up at 6?” to, “You still up?” because people don’t have fixed jobs with fixed hours anymore; it’s an age of contract work and flexi time. We are all “sexual freelancers” now, as Moira describes it. Now, we know the meaning of dating too. But what is the difference between courting and dating? Let’s find out.
Courting Vs Dating: Difference Between Courting And Dating?
As Carolyn See once put it, “Life is a matter of courtship and wooing, flirting and chatting.” Romance has distinct ways of manifesting itself, be it courting someone or dating them. Courting vs dating – are they alike or not? Here are some of the differences between courting and dating.
1. Courting vs dating- courting is more serious
Is courting and dating the same? No. One of the major differences between courting and dating is that courting is definitely more serious than dating. What does it mean to court someone? A sociological chapter describes courting as the traditional dating period before engagement and marriage. This means that during this time, two people go out on dates (even virtual ones) and get to know each other. After some time passes, they then decide if they want to get married or not.
On the other hand, dating is more of a trial period that may or may not lead to serious commitment. What is dating? A term sometimes used to describe people who are romantically involved with various people. It’s actually a phase where one explores one’s sexuality and the type of person that one wants to commit to.
2. Families are more involved in courting
Courting vs dating: Courting is more concerned with involving families than dating is. Since courting is concerned with a future commitment, it is a more formal arrangement with specific rules. The potential partners are often pitched to a person by the community, family or matchmaker. Reminds me of an episode from Indian Matchmaking on Netflix.
Are you weighing the pros and cons of courtship vs dating? Well, one distinct advantage of dating is that the compatibility of families is not factored in, at least in the beginning. That definitely helps take some pressure off. Introducing a partner you’re dating to your parents comes much later. Courting vs dating focus is markedly different. Dating is all about how to flirt, what to ask on a date, what to wear on a date, what not to say on a date, and so on…It’s lighter and breezier as compared to courting.
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3. Courting vs dating: the fights are different
Is courting and dating the same? No, and you’re probably catching that drift already. One of the reasons why that is lies in the way couples air and resolve their differences in these connections.
A classic difference between courting and dating is that couples argue about very different things. When you are dating someone, the initial fights are more about, “Why were you checking that girl out?” or, “Can’t you just reply on time instead of seenzoning?”
But courting someone may involve arguments on fundamental and bigger questions, such as, “Do you want to have kids? Will your parents stay with us after marriage? How will we figure out our finances?” etc. etc.
4. Dating is more confusing
When it comes to courting vs dating, the fear of the outcome is far less in courting. Since one knows where the relationship is going, the constant frustration and overthinking, “Where are we at?” or “Where is this going?”, that accompanies dating, is absent in courting. When comparing courting and dating, the former can seem like a far less daunting prospect, especially for those who feel ready to settle down.
Courting has one thing that dating does not – both people are on the same page, at least regarding the fact that they are looking for something serious. But dating often starts with “Hey, I am not looking for anything serious at the moment” and without even realizing, lands at “Hey, I think I am catching feelings for you.” Dating vs Relationship- the differences are so subtle that it often becomes difficult to distinguish. This is why dating is a lot more confusing than courting.
5. Approach towards intimacy differs
What is courting? Pursuing a romantic interest with an explicit intention of spending your life with them. So, lust often becomes a part of the equation and not its defining force. If you’ve been wondering what is the difference between courting and dating, the difference in kind of sexual chemistry is definitely noteworthy.
Sexual intimacy is important in both relationships, but in a courtship, you are not obsessed with it. When dating, sometimes the entire connection is centered on sex. As a person in their late teens or early twenties, exploring the dating world, you are more intrigued by the idea of sex, as compared to someone who is looking to settle down.
So, when it comes to courting vs dating, the way couples approach the subject of intimacy is different. Dating is more of a phase of exploration and therefore, emotional intimacy is accompanied by a lot of physical intimacy. This is also probably because dating can be for a longer duration; a couple can date for five years, but rarely does courtship last longer than a year or two.
Let’s bring the courting vs dating differences home with a quote by Seth MacFarlane, “I’m wide open to getting married, but actors are not easy people to date. You end up sharing that person with this other mistress that is their career. I very much like the traditional courtship method of making a date. That’s what they do in normal places, but Hollywood’s not normal.” When it comes to courting vs dating, even a popular actor prefers the former. What about you?
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There are no hard and fast courtship rules. But typically, this is what happens. You initially meet the person, that’s the first stage. Then, you are infatuated by them and interested to know more about them – the second stage. The third stage is you falling for them and getting engaged to them. The last stage is final and permanent commitment, i.e. marriage. These are the stages when courting someone.
Both are very different things since courting often leads to marriage and dating may or may not lead to marriage. Let’s put it this way, courting might involve dating but the reverse is not true. This is because, during courtship, couples do activities like going on dates (watching movies, having lunch together, visiting museums, etc.).
When discussing courting vs dating, it is not a question of one being better than the other. It’s a question of where you’re at. If you are ready for something serious, then courting is for you. But if you just got your heart broken or have been betrayed, dating might be a better starting point.
It may last for a few months to even a year or two, depending on the couple and their families. As Nargis Fakhri has rightly said, “Courtship is like simmering mutton. You cook for hours and hours to taste the soft meat. It doesn’t happen in two seconds!” Even Joseph Addison had emphasized, “Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy, that are preceded by a long courtship.”
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