On our last phone call, my husband yelled at me, “You are the most absurd creature on earth!” I go for movies alone. I’m often seen at cafes and bars with a book in my hand. Work, for me, is not just a profession. If not for some over-enthusiastic friends, I would have been alone on my birthdays too, as I usually am on most festive nights.
I drink a little. My friends say it’s not a little, but a little too much. They think I am illogical, bizarre and that I’m ruining myself. All I’m doing is trying to find a speck of happiness and just BE. I want to be loved…I just want to be loved. You could even go so far as to say that I am starved for love and affection.
Here’s the crux of the matter – I still love my husband, but I know that he doesn’t love me. He’s in Mumbai and I’m in Kolkata – we talk once in two months and even that conversation is toxic. To be honest, I am contemplating legal separation. Each time I consider it, I remember that I still love him. And I crave affection from him.
I Just Want To Be Loved And I Crave Affection
I wonder how long it will take for him to realize that I forgive him for all his flaws. And that he too, needs to forgive me for mine. We made a commitment after all…and we need to do is work on it. Why should we shy away, or run and hide? Relationships get challenging – that’s inevitable. But giving up is not an option.
My relationship with my husband hangs on me like an albatross and will probably lead me to my end. I should realize (and accept) that maybe it’s over. But I have hope. A tiny little bit of hope. This four-letter word stops me from moving on. I still want to hold his hand and say, “I want you to love me…I am starved for love and affection.”
But my decision to not move on hinders people from falling in love with me. This is ironic, as I want to be loved. If someone did fall in love with my absurdities, maybe I’d have been able to come out of this state of limbo. People friendzone me. My femininity is ignored. I’m a friend to everyone, and even the ‘bro’ too. Each time I want to be loved and seen as a potential lover, I somehow end up becoming the friend.
Related Reading: How To Deal With A Partner Who Makes You Feel Insecure
A Diwali spent alone
I have counselled many. Given many company. But when it comes to me, no one takes that extra effort to check in. I was alone this Diwali. I cleaned my house, cooked, lit diyas, and shooed away ‘Awelokhhi’. But I’ve never felt so alone, or realized more acutely that I want to be loved The next day, deciding to not be a loner, I made uttejona plans with a friend and successfully managed to coax another into it.
That evening was stranger than the previous one emotionally. With so much physical exhaustion, I fell asleep. When I did wake up, it was in the early hours of the morning. There were some missed calls on my phone. Some called to check up on me. Others were inviting me to parties.
But my inner voice couldn’t but help scream out and ask, “It’s a night party! You will probably not let your girlfriends and wives step out of the house alone at that time. Don’t you think I’m a girl too? Why do you ask me to come? Why won’t you take the effort of coming to pick me up?”
All I want is love…Is that too much to ask for?
Why am I the one going to meet people? Why don’t they come to meet me? But perhaps this too, is too much. I’m quiet, I don’t say a word. There was a man I fell in love with. He used to come to our house and hang around with my husband and I. Meeting him made me realize how much I crave love and affection.
We had a deep connection and he could make me laugh and dance. He understood that I just need to be loved. But now that my husband is not here, he avoids me as if I have some sort of disease. Now I’m suddenly the friend’s wife. I wonder what happened to the gazes we shared.
I find myself questioning if a man will ever stand by me. Simply stand up for me and speak when I am silent in a world that is becoming increasingly selfish and insensibly insensitive. All I want is love.
Related Reading: Feeling Lonely In A Relationship – 15 Tips To Cope
I want to be loved, but what does the future hold?
I often see friends with children and love seeing them grow up. It fills my heart with glee as their gurgles begin to make sense and they form their first words. I have often thought of adopting a child, but agencies are not always pro-single mothers.
My work and hectic lifestyle aren’t exactly compatible with a baby. I live alone too. Who will take care of my child? I wonder if I will ever have one, a child of my own. I want to be loved but I have so much to give too.
I’m accused of becoming bitter. I feel like telling everyone who judges me, “How often do you think of me?” What am I, if not just a girl, standing in front of the world, just simply asking to be honestly and wholeheartedly loved?
(As told to Joie Bose)
Everyone needs to feel loved and validated in their lives. If you just want to be loved, there’s nothing wrong with it. Provided your craving is healthy. If you are bordering on dependency and clinginess, you should work on building your self-esteem. Work on your relationship with yourself, and become self-sufficient emotionally.
You can convey your feelings and emotional needs to your partner honestly. Sit down with them and have a good talk. Tell them that, “I crave love and affection.” Open communication is vital in any relationship. Moreover, you can work on becoming a little more independent (emotionally) by spending time with yourself. Derive satisfaction from your achievements, social connections, and life.