Every new relationship begins with a promise of love, intimacy and affection. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors – new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy shuns the idea of making love?
If you’re living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters in your hand to rejuvenate your relationship.
Is Your Wife Not Interested In Intimacy?
‘My wife avoids intimacy’ – a vast majority of married men live with this nagging feeling, sometimes for years on end. So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to ‘get them in the mood‘, others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere.
However, whenever one spouse withdraws from the other, there is always a risk of a marriage hitting rock bottom. This can be a disheartening situation to cope with. But, you must remember that this rejection of your sexual advances is often triggered by some underlying reasons.
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Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. If your wife avoids intimacy and this lack of intimacy is beginning to take a toll on your marital bliss, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse. Explore solutions that work in the interest of your individual needs as well as salvage your relationship.
15 Reasons Your Wife Avoids Intimacy
The first step toward addressing this oft tricky issue is to understand why your wife is acting distant and avoiding being intimate with you. Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wife’s lack of interest in intimacy.
1. The emotional connect is missing
For most women, sexual desire is fuelled by their romantic feelings for their partner. If your wife avoids intimacy constantly, paying attention to the emotional bond you share with your wife may be a good start point.
It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex.
A lack of emotional connection can make it hard for women to establish physical intimacy, even with their own life partner. Therefore, building and maintaining an emotional rapport is extremely essential not just for robust sex life but also the overall health of the relationship.
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2. Sex is routine and monotonous
This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. We received a relationship query from a man who wanted to spice things up with his wife of 29 years but was struggling to make headway because of the spouse’s inhibitions. He wanted to break the monotony in the relationship but she simply wouldn’t open up. You can read our expert’s advice on the matter here.
It’s no secret that sex after marriage tends to become monotonous, especially if both the partners do not make efforts to keep the fire of passion burning. If your sex life is devoid for experimenting with new positions, role play, dressing up, creating a sensual ambience, there’s a chance that same sexual routine has become boring and tiresome for your wife has and she has started avoiding all physical contact.
3. You have lost her trust
A woman who feels that she’s living with a man who’s betraying her trust will most certainly have problems connecting with him on an emotional as well as physical level. If your wife seems distant, take a step back to analyse where you may have gone wrong or make her feel like she cannot trust you again.
“My wife avoids spending time with me.” If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself- was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesn’t know about?
Maybe, she knew all along but didn’t confront you because the stakes were too high. This distance could be her way of punishing you and teaching you a lesson.
If that’s the case, make amends from your end, own up to your mistakes, have a heart-to-heart conversation with her, and assure her that it’s all in the past now.
4. She is genuinely exhausted
Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. Juggling household and professional responsibilities single-handedly is no easy feat. This could be a reason why your wife avoids sex.
From work deadlines to meet, bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run, and a billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex.
In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making her feel special by going the extra mile to reduce her burden.
You can clearly see that she is overworked and avoids intimacy. It might be time for you to be more responsible and let your wife have some me-time. Pamper her with a spa day or take her out to a nice vacation for two to break the monotony and give her the relaxation she truly needs and deserves.
5. Could infidelity be involved?
If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another. It is one of the classic signs of a cheating wife, and if your gut tells you something is amiss and your wife may have become sexually or emotionally invested in another person or relationship, it’s best to confront her and address the elephant in the room.
The aftermath of an affair is never easy for a marriage, but if life has thrown you this curveball, you’ve got to learn to deal with it. There is simply no point in brushing the problem under the carpet.
Or could it be that your wife suspects you of infidelity? If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. In case you have nothing to hide, communicate this to her. But if you do, it is best to come clean and hope for forgiveness.
6. Your wife has become conscious of her body
Marriage, pregnancies, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses. This could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact.
She doesn’t like the image she sees in the mirror, and that quells any sexual desire within. Your wife avoids intimacy because she feels neither desirable nor sexy. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must support her through this transition and ensure that she feels confident, no matter what changes her body has gone through.
Be her rock and convincer her that you still think she’s as beautiful as the day when you first met her.
7. Family problems may be troubling her
Women’s inherent nesting instinct naturally shift their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationship with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex.
You can help by mediating in such issues or chalking a way out of the problem together, to restore her peace of mind and bring back the passion in your bedroom.
8. She is unhappy with your lack of hygiene
Think back to the time when you were dating. In all likelihood, you went the extra mile to dress up for her, look good, smell good and stay groomed in anticipating of getting some action.
If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn off for your wife and the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. And you can’t really blame her, can you?
So get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her, and most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there.
9. Depression or mental health issues
In such cases, it is imperative to get the right kind of help and hold your wife’s hand through this extremely challenging journey. The sexual spark will return when she emerges out of it, stronger and healthier.
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10. Underlying medical problems
Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. An undiagnosed, underlying medical condition can also be the reason for a decreased sex drive.
Take, for instance, this query we received from a 28-year-old woman who wanted to enjoy a flourishing sex life with her husband but the pain and discomfort caused due to vaginal dryness were making it difficult for her to keep up.
Gynaecological conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, PCOD, uterine fibroids, pelvic pain can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. If you think your wife avoids intimacy because of an underlying condition, it’s best to seek medical help at the earliest.
11. The kids have become a priority
Your wife may have become so involved in raising the kids that her relationship with you takes a backseat. This can lead to her becoming physically and emotionally distant in the marriage.
If that’s the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps she’d understand the need to maintain a balance between the roles as a mother and a wife.
12. She may be a sex addict
A sex addict who doesn’t want to indulge in sex can sound paradoxical. But such an addiction may not be for the act itself but its manifestation in the form of pornography, masturbation or casual sex. In such cases, a person can withdraw from physical intimacy with their partner out of feelings of guilt or shame.
If you do happen to discover this hidden side of your wife’s life, try to be there to support her. Get her necessary help to break free from the addiction.
13. You are not catering to her sexual needs
If sex is all about you, it’s no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. Remember it’s never too late to start. Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay and stop being selfish!
Sex is not just giving what you get, it’s about an experience that both the partners should enjoy equally.
Take time to learn about the secrets of sex all women wish men know of, learn your way around her body, and plan a special evening together that’s all about blowing her mind away with one wave of pleasure after another. Soon, you’ll find her reciprocating like never before.
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14. You are unable to give her time
You may have become so engrossed in your work or friends that you just don’t spend quality time with your wife. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too.
You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things.
15. She may be coping with baby blues
Childbirth is a life-altering experience that’s not just hard on a woman’s body but also her mind. Almost all new moms experience what is medically described as baby blues – a sudden feeling of sadness after giving birth, coupled with mood swings, irritability, among other symptoms.
In some cases, this can escalate into postpartum depression, which is a common reason why many women experience a lack of sexual desire after childbirth. Try to be supportive of her and give her time to open up to you again.
A woman’s lack of interest in physical intimacy can be quite an intriguing puzzle to solve. While some of the underlying factors can be weeded out with the right approach and mindset, others can be more damaging to the entire relationship.
Whatever the case, do you best, and work with your wife to restore that spark in your marriage. Don’t hold it against her. Talk to her about the lack of intimacy and work through your issues together, as a team.