When women don’t initiate sex, it can end up confusing men
Sex is a form of non-verbal communication in a relationship. But if you’re the only one who keeps initiating it, it can soon begin to feel like you’re talking to a wall. It’s like talking to yourself in this case, and it can make you feel rejected and lonely. Sometimes in a relationship, the guy feels like he’s the one who’s initiating intimacy all the time, and this can lead to a host of confusing feelings.
Before we go on to question whether this is true, let’s look at the data. Research has shown that on average, man tends to initiate sex twice as many times as women do in a relationship. We all might have heard the jokes and blanket statements about how ‘that’s all that the guys want!’ or ‘men can’t get their mind off sex’, and yet research tells us that men and women tend to like sex equally.
We asked six guys about this, anonymously, of course, and got the following responses:
1. I feel unsure
I just wish sometimes she threw me on the bed and had her way with me, you know? I feel like I’m doing all the heavy lifting here. Not that I mind initiating, but it feels like I’m trying all the time and almost as if she does it because I want her to and not because she wants to. I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to, including me. So I just, I feel unsure.
Related reading: Why both men and women must be generous in sex
2. I don’t want to use my privilege
Look, I get it. Before we woke up to the idea that all genders are equal, men were dominating women for thousands of years. And it was unfair, and it’s evident that equal rights are the best thing for everyone. But when it comes to sex, I feel like if I keep initiating, I’m playing into the idea of the powerful man. I don’t want it to be an unequal experience. I want both of us to be equally into it. So I fear to initiate it all the time. I don’t want her to be subservient even in a symbolic way. I might be overthinking, but the politics of this bothers me and freaks me out sometimes.
Related reading: One desperate housewife’s search for love
3. Talking didn’t help
I have mentioned it to her. It didn’t go well. She got pissed and said I was being unfair. I was so confused. I didn’t mean to hurt her but it’s like I’m asking her for too much after a while. She’s so tired most of the days and when we do it it’s great but even then I feel like I’m kind of expecting something that I shouldn’t be. I thought talking about it might help. Maybe if I word it well? I wonder…
4. I don’t mind it
I don’t mind it to be honest. I think it’s okay? I never urge her or beg. I just suggest and if it happens it happens. We have really tense jobs and sometimes it takes a toll on other parts of our lives. I feel, that if I feel like having sex and my partner is not busy and present there, being honest and asking is a part of the relationship. I never thought of it as if it’s only me initiating. Had it been odd for me to expect her to read my mind and initiate, you know?
5. I take it as a challenge to pay more attention to us
It gets odd sometimes. You start doubting yourself. Am I not attractive? Is something wrong? I usually take it as a challenge. I start working out more and pay her compliments and arrange surprises. She says she loves them. I feel like sometimes some people do certain things in a relationship and it’s like their designated responsibility. She always drives, makes sure that we both are taking our medicines on time. I do the shopping for the house and I initiate the sex. It’s that normal. I don’t think sex has to be this over the top event all the time. It’s an essential part of a relationship, and I don’t mind being the person who’s in charge of making sure we pay attention to it.
6. I think it is a mutual effort
Well, I feel like the whole myth that men are always horny needs to go if we’re having this conversation. I think the ways of initiation are different for men and women. Women can be direct too, but they are more subtle. Men might just be missing the hints. I think we all initiate sex but only in a different way. I feel as more and more conversations about gender happen, we’ll realise this. This seems like a non-issue to me. I don’t want to belittle someone else’s feelings, but I feel like the way my girlfriend looks at me, or a subtle touch to my arm, or the response that I get in the form of excitement, isn’t that initiation too? I don’t think it’s a job only one of you can do, it’s mutual.
Whether you’re happy or not, it’s great to initiate more open conversations about gender, for that’s the only way we’ll have more insight into this subject.