(As told to Joie Bose)
I was attracted to her body
What do women want? I truly fail to fathom. For heaven’s sake. Really. They are absolutely insatiable.
When I first saw Archana on the matrimonial site, I was blown away by her waistline. She was wearing a saree, the kind that clings to your body like curtains and her curves showed beautifully. Her face was not the ones where you could stare for hours and nor were her eyes very alluring (she had a little cockeye) but her navel would never let you lift your eyes to her face. And even if you had the guts to go above, her breasts would stop your eyes from going further up. She had a gorgeous body.
My parents were choosing women by their background and even the prettiest had unattractive bodies. When you are in love, I guess looks don’t matter, but when you’re going for an arrangement where you know that the woman you marry, you will have to commit to a lifetime of sexual loyalty, you want some initial physical attraction to be there. But nowadays you cannot trust photographs, for they are mostly edited on Photoshop. So I went ahead to meet her.
Related reading: Questions to ask him during the arranged marriage meeting
She seemed to be shy when we met
My parents were impressed by her education – MA in home science and BEd. She was a home science and physical education teacher who had degrees in yoga. She worked in one of the best schools of the city, where her mother was the principal. Her father was a retired central bank officer. She has stated that apart from cooking she liked reading. This match was perfect for me, for I too am working in a bank. My father and mother are both state government officials.
So, when we went to see the girl for the first time, and she was asked to show me the verandah in her house, I asked her to break the ice, “You like reading?” She seemed shy. She was merely nodding and giving one-word answers when my parents asked her anything. Books being her passion, I thought, might engage her. But even that didn’t bring out any word. She said, “Yes.”
Now let me ask her something subjective I thought, she will surely have to speak more. So, I asked, “What are you reading now? I love reading too. I’m reading this book on mythology.” She was quiet for a second and then with a deadpan face said, “I’m getting ready for marriage. I’m reading this ancient Indian book called Kamasutra.”
She was quiet for a second and then with a deadpan face said, “I’m getting ready for marriage. I’m reading this ancient Indian book called Kamasutra.”
Now I didn’t have a thing to say. Wow. She was something. I couldn’t wait to marry her now. Little was I to know that she was not being smart or funny but was serious.
She couldn’t have enough of sex
Yes, she was serious. On our wedding night she was the one to touch me. In fact I found out after marriage that she was not at all shy. She just spoke less because she didn’t have anything to say and she spoke only when there was a purpose. And every night she would explain to me some position or the other and would ask me to do it. Initially I adored it. I came before I could enter her. Then she would masturbate and I was allowed to watch.
This might seem like a dream, or a porn story, but it was my tragedy unfurling. Once she did the chakrasan and asked me to enter her. I was sceptical and scared and I fell down and hurt my back. Sex was out of the question. This angered her. She started being cold with me. She started fighting. At the drop of a hat she would call me impotent. Then she would laugh this horrible laugh.
Related reading: A novice at sex, how do I know if I am satisfying my girlfriend?
I can’t seem to make her happy
I’m better now. It’s been 8 months since marriage. Archana is still sexy, but instead of being aroused I am scared. My back injury is fine now but she puts so much pressure on me to perform in bed that I have lost interest in sex. Now I can’t even satiate myself when I’m alone. I can’t seem to ever make her happy.
I bought her a bag but she put it away. Then I bought her a saree, but she was not too fascinated by it. The Kamasutra is the only thing that intrigues her. And I can never satisfy her. She always pities me and laughs. I don’t know how my beautiful life transformed into a tragedy from being a romantic comedy. Every day I spend time trying to connect with her, but my body totally freezes. I’m scared of disappointing her.
Every day I spend time trying to connect with her, but my body totally freezes. I’m scared of disappointing her.
It plagues me how we don’t have sex any more, but how can I, knowing that her wants are way beyond my capacity? I’m just tired of this. I hope to make her happy one day. But I am not happy enough to bring happiness to someone else.