The Pressure to Perform, When Intimacy Becomes a Chore

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(As said to Joie Bose)

Intimacy should be a sanctuary of connection and pleasure, a shared space where two souls intertwine in a dance of vulnerability and desire. But what happens when the pressure to perform overshadows the joy of simply being together? When the bedroom transforms from a haven of love into a stage for scrutiny and anxiety?

I Was Attracted To Her Body

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What do women want? I genuinely fail to fathom. For heaven’s sake. Really. They are insatiable.

When I first saw Archana on the matrimonial site, I was blown away by her waistline. She was wearing a saree, the kind that clings to your body like curtains and her curves showed beautifully. Her face was not the ones where you could stare for hours and nor were her eyes very alluring (she had a little cockeye), but her navel would never let you lift your eyes to her face. And even if you had the guts to go above, her breasts would stop your eyes from going further up. She had a gorgeous body.

My parents were choosing women by their background, and even the prettiest had unattractive bodies. When you are in love, I guess looks don’t matter, but when you’re going for an arrangement where you know that the woman you marry, you will have to commit to a lifetime of sexual loyalty, you want some initial physical attraction to be there. But nowadays you cannot trust photographs, for they are mostly edited on Photoshop. So I went ahead to meet her.

Related reading: 18 Mutual Attraction Signs That Can’t Be Ignored

She seemed to be shy when we met

My parents were impressed by her education – MA in home science and BEd. She was a home science and physical education teacher who had degrees in yoga. She worked in one of the best schools in the city, where her mother was the principal. Her father was a retired central bank officer. She has stated that apart from cooking, she liked reading. This match was perfect for me, for I too am working in a bank. My father and mother are both state government officials.

So, when we went to see the girl for the first time, and she was asked to show me the verandah in her house, I asked her to break the ice, “You like reading?” She seemed shy. She was merely nodding and giving one-word answers when my parents asked her anything. Books being her passion, I thought, might engage her. But even that didn’t bring out any word. She said, “Yes.”

Now let me ask her something subjective I thought, she will surely have to speak more. So, I asked, “What are you reading now? I love reading too. I’m reading this book on mythology.” She was quiet for a second and then with a deadpan face said, “I’m getting ready for marriage. I’m reading this ancient Indian book called Kamasutra.”

She was quiet for a second and then with a deadpan face said, “I’m getting ready for marriage. I’m reading this ancient Indian book called Kamasutra.”

Now I didn’t have a thing to say. Wow. She was something. I couldn’t wait to marry her now. Little was I to know that she was not smart or funny, but it was severe.

Related reading: Ancient Indian Heritage: Connecting with our sensual past

She couldn’t have enough of sex

Yes, she was serious. On our wedding night, she was the one to touch me. I found out after marriage that she was not at all shy. She just spoke less because she didn’t have anything to say, and she spoke only when there was a purpose. And every night she would explain to me some position or the other and would ask me to do it. Initially, I adored it. I came before I could enter her. Then she would masturbate, and I was allowed to watch.

This might seem like a dream or a porn story, but it was my tragedy unfurling. Once she did the chakrasan and asked me to enter her. I was sceptical and scared, and I fell and hurt my back. Sex was out of the question. This angered her. She started being cold with me. She started fighting. At the drop of a hat, she would call me impotent. Then she would laugh this horrible laugh.

I can’t seem to make her happy

I’m better now. It’s been eight months since marriage. Archana is still sexy, but instead of being aroused, I am scared. My back injury is excellent now, but she puts so much pressure on me to perform in bed that I have lost interest in sex. Now I can’t even satiate myself when I’m alone. I can’t seem ever to make her happy.

I bought her a bag, but she put it away. Then I bought her a saree, but she was not too fascinated by it. Kamasutra is the only thing that intrigues her. And I can never satisfy her. She always pities me and laughs. I don’t know how my beautiful life transformed into a tragedy from being a romantic comedy. Every day I spend time trying to connect with her, but my body freezes. I’m scared of disappointing her.

Related reading: 5 signs that you’re satisfying your woman in bed

Every day I spend time trying to connect with her, but my body totally freezes. I’m scared of disappointing her.

It plagues me how we don’t have sex any more, but how can I, know that her wants are way beyond my capacity? I’m just tired of this. I hope to make her happy one day. But I am not satisfied enough to bring happiness to someone else.

Why does intimacy sometimes feel like a chore?

Several factors can contribute to this feeling:

Mismatched libidos: Partners may have different levels of desire for sex, leading to one feeling pressured while the other feels neglected.
Stress and fatigue: Life’s demands can sap energy and desire, making intimacy seem like another task on a to-do list.
Relationship issues: Unresolved conflicts, poor communication, or a lack of emotional connection can diminish sexual desire.
Performance anxiety: Worrying about “performing well” can create stress and interfere with pleasure.
Body image concerns: Feeling insecure about one’s appearance can make intimacy uncomfortable.
Changes in life stages: Pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, or aging can impact sexual desire and functioning.

FAQs

1. How can mismatched libidos be addressed in a relationship?

It’s essential to have open and compassionate conversations about differing levels of sexual desire. Partners can explore ways to bridge the gap, such as scheduling intimate time, engaging in non-sexual intimacy, and understanding each other’s love languages. Sometimes, professional help may be needed to navigate this delicate issue and find solutions that satisfy both individuals.

2. How can couples maintain a healthy intimate life despite busy schedules and external stressors?

Prioritizing quality time and intentional connection is key. Even amidst busy schedules, small gestures like cuddling, holding hands, and expressing appreciation can go a long way. Planning date nights, even if infrequent, can provide dedicated time for intimacy and reconnection. It’s also important to address stressors directly and find healthy coping mechanisms, as unmanaged stress can significantly dampen sexual desire.

Final Thoughts

It’s natural for sexual desire to ebb and flow in any relationship. However, when intimacy consistently feels like a chore, it’s important to address the underlying issues. Open communication, prioritization of emotional connection, and addressing stress and relationship challenges are crucial steps towards rekindling a fulfilling and enjoyable intimate life.

Intimacy is about more than just sex; it’s about connecting with your partner on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. By nurturing this connection and addressing any obstacles that arise, you can maintain a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. We provide professional medical or therapeutic advice. If you are experiencing concerns about your intimate life, please consult a qualified professional.

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